OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

You are entitled to your sexual preference. Anything less is coercive control and the minority of people who scream homophobia are a disgrace. Forcing anyone into sex when they do not want it for fear of being labelled is rape.

Haven't RTFT but you aren't homophobic. You're biphobic.

No judgment. But if this is the sole reason for discounting him then that's what it is.

I'm bisexual and it's so disrespectful to see 'no bisexuals' on dating profiles. We're normal and human like everyone else. Personally I'm as monogamous as the most monogamous heterosexual. I'm not unique in this.

Bet I've missed loads of drip feeds but don't want to read the posts.

Cancel the cheque etc.

Am sick of the stereotypes around bisexuals. One day I'll do something about it. Maybe if I ever get forced to stay at home for a long while I'll write a book/ play/ screenplay about it.

@bitheby

So why don't you date men, if you are a woman and women if you are a man?

My bi colleague wants his ‘main’ relationship to be with a woman but he will not give up his male friend with benefits. He fully admits he could not be monogamous because he would miss his male contact. That is all fine for him. But I will bet he isn’t the only bi man who has that preference for his own needs.

It would not be fine with me. I don’t see why I would have to blur my sexual preferences and ideals of a relationship to accommodate someone else’s preferences.

I know that doesn’t apply to everyone and nor should it. Some folk are monogamous - some are not. Would I be phobic if I chose not to date someone who said they couldn’t be faithful when all I want is a faithful partner? Or refusing to date someone who wanted a certain sex act every night when I know fine I would not like it? Or not want to date someone who does not want children?

I resent that not being accepting of that makes me bi or anything else phobic. It is nothing of the sort.

It is about choice. And what you want in a partner.

And that seems to be taboo these days when we have to be all accepting of everything or else we are labelled phobic.

He has been fabulous for being honest about it so that he could give OP the choice. My colleague does not. And terms it relationship and ‘playing’. Not much choice there.

AwrightDoreen your colleague is a prick plain and simple. That's nothing to do with being bi and everything to do with being as dishonest, cheating bastard with no morals. The fact that pretends it's because of his sexuality is rubbish. Of course you are entitled to want a 100% monogomous relationship but someone being bi really doesn't affect that unless, like your colleague, they are a bit if a twat

What there is no explanation for is why ruling out bisexual men= phobic but ruling out other characteristics = a choice I am entitled to.

That is what most accusatory posts boil down to.

Saying I am entitled to my preferences and boundaries but this particular one is based upon bigotry.

With no explanation from me, which at this stage and following some.thought is deliberate as it is not relevant to the discussion (or particularly contentious, I am certainly not making any assumptions about bisexual men).

Presumably my other prefs- which include no women, at this life stage I would not choose a man with kids, no devout religions, no obsessive hobbyists, nobody much older or younger than me, I do not fancy very short or very slight men- are ok.

Saying 'women can say no to whomever they like but turning down some men makes you a bigot' is I think more dangerous than the remote possibility my choices may have a basis that others do not agree with.

I've mostly skimmed this thread, but some of the comments are making me see red.
Personally, I'd have no problem dating someone who is bi. It wouldn't be bother me at all.
However, I am disturbed by the increasing shaming of women for turning sexual partners down for the 'wrong' reason.
No. No with bloody bells on. It doesn't matter. The only reason she needs is that she doesn't want to. That's it.
And if it's due to stereotypes or misconceptions, so what? It's not discrimination if someone doesn't want to date you.
If you're trying to 'educate' people out of their sexual and dating orientations, you're not promoting tolerance, you're promoting sexual coercion.
Just stop. No one has the right to say someone else's 'no' isn't valid because they disapprove of the reason. No one.

So we are twats if we don’t want to sleep with a bi man?

It isn’t for me.

I’m a great ugly fat munter. I would assume 99% if the population (whatever their orientation) don’t want me as a partner.

What kind of twat does that make them?

No your colleague is a twat if he thinks being bi is an excuse to cheat 🤦🏻‍♀️ nobody is a twat for not wanting to sleep with anyone - but everyone who cheats is a twat.

Anyone should be someone*

Hi @LoveintheTimeofCoronaa! Similar to you, when I was dating - I would have ended a relationship if someone told me they were bisexual. I don’t consider myself biased, but I DO wonder if I have a subconscious bias. I would applaud this guy for being open and honest, as I think a lot of people still have a social fear of less usual lifestyle choices. I think it’s this ‘fear’ that needs to change - and that you made the right choice for you. If I’d been brought up from a young age to feel that bisexuality was as acceptable the ‘norm’ - I may have considered this more when dating. I’d say if I was dating now, I would explore the relationship.

Ah - got you Cinderella

Personally I think he is an arse for lying. Not for being bi. Or indeed not being monogamous. But for the latter that should mean being honest so that all parties know where they are.

Hi Ceejay ! To be honest, I wouldn't say he was open about this to the point of deserving commendation.

He did wait until I had spoken to him for over a week to let me know he was bisexual. There is an option on the app to say whether you like men and women and come to look at it, he did just say 'women'.

Foofoofalangee I'm sorry that you find my posts patronising, emotive and inflammatory. None of those were my intention and I would dispute all of those descriptions but there we go. As for who has maligned the OP, I would say that calling someone bi- or homophobic is very much to malign them (accurately or not) so that's pretty simply answered and that is the entire basis of my objection. I appreciate that you were not one of those posters and you'll notice that my enquiries were not originally directed at you.

I take your point that the original question was about how to let someone down nicely but the discussion moved on from that to the wider related topic of whether someone is biphobic for rejecting a potential sexual partner based on that attribute and I engaged with it.

I don't agreed that the point of debate (as opposed to the point of a formal debate) is for someone to 'win'. I like to debate things with people because it challenges my thinking with perspectives I hadn't considered and hopefully vice versa. I find that what you actually tend to end up with (aiming both people approach the discussion openly) is more of a convergence of opinion or at least each side's positions becoming more nuanced in response to the other. I personally think that's a really good, important thing. It doesn't mean that I think everyone's thinking should be homogenised but I definitely do think that everyone should interrogate why they hold the views that they do and test them against other ideas. Even those views you hold that we would currently consider to be laudable, self-evident truths bear this sort of scrutiny because some day sometime convincing-sounding will come along and challenge it and you'll need to be able to defend it.

If you don't want to discuss any topic here or anywhere else, however, that is of course your prerogative. However, pleading the purity of the thread when it moved on in the first few posts to whether the OP was entitled to define a date on the basis that she wished to do so without being accused of phobia (and which the OP has engaged with in a thoughtful manner) seems like bolting the stable door after the horse has galloped into the sunset.

Incidentally, leaving people to their own sexual proclivities (amongst consenting adults) is precisely what I advocate; just without accusations of 'isms' for doing so which reads as an attempt to stop people following those proclivities or at least stop them from mentioning them. So it sounds like we largely agree.

For the record, I would never describe myself as 'woke' for various reasons (not least that I think it would make me sound like more of a bit of a tit), I just like vaguely amusing Mumsnet names!

LoveInTheTimeOfCorona Well, that was much more articulate than me and using far fewer words!

@Loveinthetimeofcoronaa Hmm no thats not ideal. But preferable to to completely hiding his sexuality - 10 years later, you’re married with kids and find him on Grindr! I don’t think race is really comparible here - but again, I don’t consider myself racist - however I’ve only ever dated white males. Am I subconsciously racist?

I wouldn’t date a man who is bi and honestly I don’t think I need to give anyone more explanation about my reasons for that than for my preference to not date men who wear ugly shoes. It’s not my cup of tea and I can refuse sex with anyone at any given moment for no other reason then it’s my body, my choice’. So if the OP doesn’t want to have a relationship with a bi man, it’s her right and nobody else’s business.

Op you don’t owe him any explanation.
Simply send him a message that you’re no longer interested and wish him all the best. I wouldn’t even blame you for ghosting him after he kept this very important information hidden from you for such a long time.

@WokeOnTheWater agree that people should feel completely free to explore their own sexual paths - but there needs to be a great deal less social fear blocking these pathways.

ceejay54321 would you date a man who used to be bi years ago? Would you date a man who had had some sexual episode with another man this is common when growing up?

Same question to anyone who would not date a bisexual

@drmorbius - in my twenties no, in my thirties I would have considered it - now I absolutely would (but I’m not dating). So I have become less biased with age??

Although IS it a bias? I think the OP has done the right thing! I’m not suggesting she is biased - maybe my sexual preferences have changed??

I married such a man. And would fight for the right for any women to say no to that situation without any accusations of biphobia. I find it vaguely tedious that those who shout bigotry think none of us have experienced this.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man who shoved his dick up another’s mans arse and it’s perfectly ok to say this - politely off course.

Mary and yet you may have had sex with a man who shoved his dick up another womans arse. Quite a lot on here would have, you know.