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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

555 replies

LoveintheTimeofCoronaa · 20/03/2020 11:41

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

OP posts:
riotlady · 20/03/2020 20:51

And you then suggested we need to think about it. We don’t. How dare you suggest we do

What’s so offensive about asking someone to think about something? I promise it doesn’t hurt

Lynda07 · 20/03/2020 20:52

It never occurred to me you were a homophobe, Lovein.

There's nothing wrong with not pursuing a relationship with someone whom you know has different sexual preferences to you. In your case, you've never met him so what's the problem? Just cool it.

PicturesOfCats · 20/03/2020 20:54

It does hurt people, that’s the problem.
It hurts many people when they feel coerced into relationships with people they don’t want to be in them with.
Would you tell a lesbian to ‘have a think’ about why she doesn’t want to have sexual with a man?
Would you ask a gay man to have a think about why he doesn’t want to go down on a woman?

WokeOnTheWater · 20/03/2020 20:54

@FooFooFalange

Au contraire, it is directly relevant to whether or not it is reasonable to malign someone because of their discriminating between potential sexual partners on the basis of a given characteristic, in this case protected under equalities legislation.

The point of comparison and analogy in the context of debate or forming one's own opinion is to interrogate one's viewpoint and reasoning in relation to the original issue.

If your conclusions about how to treat someone discriminating on the basis of sex and on the basis of sexual orientation are different, one has to ask oneself on what basis you are treating seemingly similar things differently, why so and if it is reasonable and justified. If not, you acknowledge the need to alter your view.

The reason nobody wants to explain it to me, I suspect, is that there is no good reason for treating them differently in relation to sexual preference.

I suspect what we've come up against is a serious confusion between how people reason and behave in their everyday, civilised life and primal sexual drivers. You are in control of and responsible for the former and can and should be called out of you fall short of the standard of fairness and decency society expects of you. You can amend your logic and behaviour if necessary. You are not in control of the latter - you want what you want and lust after who you lust after; there's no manufacturing that and it doesn't make you any kind of 'ist'. It's primal.

(I am given to understand that not everyone fancies me, which can be for no good reason because I am clearly a treat, but I accept it's not their fault. I'm sure they want to, logically, and would if they could.)

The alternative - that people shouldn't be allowed to discriminate on the basis of sex either, lest they be sexist and homophobic or heterophobic - is itself pretty homophobic in denying people a right to their identity as gay.

There's a longer point to be made, I think, about why people feel comfortable saying "no women in my bed, thanks" and not "no black people in my bed" or "no bisexual people in my bed" based on the histories of different civil rights movements but perhaps I'll save that for my next sermon.

TheYearOfTheDog · 20/03/2020 20:56

@riotlady, are you going to think yourself in to things that go against your gut/inclination/orientation?

You're being an unskilled gas lighter here, trying to insinuate people haven't thought things through.

As @MotheringShites put it, that is not something that necessitates thinking. What would even be the point? Supposing you could think yourself in or out of it. Why..

WaxItLyrical · 20/03/2020 20:58

Can anyone explain WHY they don’t want to date a bisexual without resorting to biphobic stereotypes?

There isn’t an explanation for everything, I wouldn’t want a relationship with a bi person as I find the thought of sex with men unattractive. As a lesbian I don’t get the attraction to men, women who fancy women is the turn on, I don’t think they would cheat or anything, I just wouldn’t be compatible with a bisexual woman, in the same way I wouldn’t be compatible with a vegan or a Tory voter....

Langsdestiny · 20/03/2020 20:58

We have done a lot of thinking on this forum. We have thought a lot about women and how their boundaries are slowly slowly eroded not by people physically pushing boundaries but by people saying that's bigoted, or just think about it for a while, or you need to examine your thinking. We have heard that song so many times.

WokeOnTheWater · 20/03/2020 21:00

I hate it when Mumsnet gets rid of my paragraphs Hmm

itsbetterthanabox · 20/03/2020 21:01

Saying you'd never date any person from a specific race is fine and no one should be forced or coerced into doing anything they don't want to. However this doesn't stop it coming from a place of racism.
No one is trying to get the op to date this man. But if you see all bi people as the same then that is biphobic.
Those things can both be true.

itsbetterthanabox · 20/03/2020 21:03

Comparing this to sexuality is homophobic.
Orientation is different to taste.

WokeOnTheWater · 20/03/2020 21:06

I don't agree that it comes from a place of racism because racism is a belief that your race is superior to another's and I think your actual sexual drivers are above beneath such sophisticated reasoning.

That's not say that there aren't people who are racist and rule out other races for that reason but being racist is not a necessary condition of not generally being attracted to a particular race.

(I've always joked that my apparent liking for men with dark colouring must be based on a desperate primal need of my Scandinavian-ish genes for some damn melanin)

Hirsutefirs · 20/03/2020 21:09

Apparently, you have to sleep with a bisexual, if you can’t provide good enough reasons not to!

WokeOnTheWater · 20/03/2020 21:10

"Sexuality" doesn't only mean sexual orientation re homosexual/heterosexual etc. People have other sexual drivers and it's rather arbitrary to accept that sexual orientation is innate but all other aspects of ones sexuality are mere preferences, surely?

LoveintheTimeofCoronaa · 20/03/2020 21:20

I don't mind a polite request to think about my reaction to anything, including this guy.

However, I really think my reason for not wanting to be with a bisexual man is not the pertinent point here.

Yes, everyone is entitled to fair treatment and the same freedoms in life but nobody is ever, ever entitled to a relationship or sex with someone else.

Those with certain characteristics may have a smaller pool of interest which is a bit of a raw deal as everybody wants to be loved.

However, that is never the problem or the responsibility of those who do not opt to be with or sleep with them. All I feel we owe somebody we are not interested in is the same level of decency and compassion they show us when we turn them down. So, this guy was nice to me, I was nice to him.

Interesting that so many people here jumped to the conclusion that my lack of interest must be based on some misperception of bisexuality and wrongdoing on my part, rather than simply accepting that I owe this guy nothing.

OP posts:
riotlady · 20/03/2020 21:29

There isn’t an explanation for everything, I wouldn’t want a relationship with a bi person as I find the thought of sex with men unattractive. As a lesbian I don’t get the attraction to men, women who fancy women is the turn on, I don’t think they would cheat or anything, I just wouldn’t be compatible with a bisexual woman, in the same way I wouldn’t be compatible with a vegan or a Tory voter....

I actually think that’s quite an interesting explanation! More so than “because I do” anyway.

riotlady, are you going to think yourself in to things that go against your gut/inclination/orientation?

I can think ABOUT them, sure. Sometimes you change your mind, sometimes you don’t, such is life.

For example, I like tall men but don’t really care about women’s height. The reason I care is that when I’m with a man, I want to feel small and taken care of. That’s based on sexist, patriarchal lessons that I’ve absorbed my whole life- that women need to be protected, that men are physically superior, that women should take up space, that small women are more desirable than big ones. Now that doesn’t mean I now need to go out and fuck a short guy, or that anyone is obliged to fuck short men, but I think it’s interesting and valuable to examine where these inclinations come from.

LoveintheTimeofCoronaa · 20/03/2020 21:31

Wokeonthewater that is really interesting, thanks

OP posts:
FooFooFalangee · 20/03/2020 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GilbertMarkham · 20/03/2020 22:40

I like tall men but don’t really care about women’s height. The reason I care is that when I’m with a man, I want to feel small and taken care of. That’s based on sexist, patriarchal lessons that I’ve absorbed my whole life- that women need to be protected, that men are physically superior, that women should take up space, that small women are more desirable than big ones.

Or it could be evolutionary instinct to cleave to the man more likely to survive and help you survive.

CinderellasSecrets · 20/03/2020 22:52

@GreySuede wooooww nice personal insults there 😂 I am neither dim, naive nor 'trying to prove my PCness'. I am bi I fully understand that not everyone is comfortable being in a relationship with a bi person and there is nothing wrong with that. I asked a polite question there was no need for the personal attack.

As someone else mentioned about anal sex I just think that in an exclusive relationship so long as the person you are with has tested clear of STDs then you have nothing to worry about. (Again, I do NOT think the OP or anyone should do ANYTHING they are not comfortable with Hmm)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/03/2020 23:00

how is it self protection not wanting to be in a relationship with a bi-sexual person?

www.poz.com/article/bisexual-STIs-25837-6322

(Link to scientific article at bottom of the piece)

AlternativePerspective · 20/03/2020 23:41

As someone else mentioned about anal sex I just think that in an exclusive relationship so long as the person you are with has tested clear of STDs then you have nothing to worry about. (Again, I do NOT think the OP or anyone should do ANYTHING they are not comfortable with I wouldn’t want to have sex with a heterosexual man who was into anal sex. In terms of his own life he is entitled to do and be with whoever he wants in whatever way that person consents to.
And by the same token I am entitled to not be with whoever I want to for whatever reasons I want.

Nobody questions why someone doesn’t want a relationship with an older man, or with a short person, or someone who was previously into BDSM on the basis that (as long as they don’t want that from you it’s ok,”.

Not wanting to be with a non heterosexual person is equally my choice and not for anyone else to question.

Incidentally, I note that the people on here who are atually bisexual seem to get the point and in some instances share the view themselves, so I can only assume that those objecting are professionally offended virtue signallers and therefore their opinion is irrelevant.

greytiger · 20/03/2020 23:44

So if a heterosexual woman who doesn't want to have sex with a bisexual man is called biphobic, what do you call a bisexual person who doesn't want to have sex with a straight person - straightphobic?

Funny how nobody ever gets called that, isn't it? Hmm

NoMoreDickheads · 21/03/2020 01:07

Hi OP, I can see both points really. You could just say you don't want to date at the moment due to Corona? None of us are supposed to be having unnecessary social contact, anyway, so not supposed to be dating.

OLD is such that he hopefully won't msg you again in several months' time.

RantyAnty · 21/03/2020 01:51

Here we go the extra special woke wokes offended by women deciding what they want and don't want.

I'm immune to the bullying guilt tripping misogynistic hate from them too.

Any woman is free to date or not date anyone. I don't have to give anyone a chance. F that.

So how about no no no
Let all the no s echo!

call me whatever name
homophobic
biophobic
heterophobic
transphobic
hydraphobic

Answer is the same, I don't care!
It's about time women say no to this nonsense.

Greenkit · 21/03/2020 02:41

Just wow

We can date or not who ever we wish.

I personally would not be attracted to a man who dated other men, I'm not attracted to other women either.

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