OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

This is Carlton and Diamond all over again.

Actually drmorbuis, if I was in the dating field now and found that out I would avoid. What bigotry does that make me guilty of.

None, Destiny! Nobody has to explain or justify who they fancy or why: it's enough that they do, or don't.

Honestly, it starts to read as if (some) people are expected to have a default setting of being willing to enter intimate relationships with literally anyone and everyone or justify why not!

OP need only say, thanks for telling me, but no thanks. Nobody owes anybody anything just because they're OLD. Do people really think someone is going to have sex with them just to prove they're not a bigot/racist/homophobe? What happened to bodily autonomy?

Or is it that half of us a seen as a commodity rather than as actual people?

DrMorbius

Yes. I would date a man who had had some experiences with another male whilst growing up. That's if it was firmly part of his past and he had fairly soon reached the conclusion that he was as another PP said 'wholeheartedly heterosexual'.

As you say, this kind of experimentation is not uncommon. In fact an ex of mine had done so and I wasn't bothered.

However, this isn't the same as practicing or identifying as a bisexual adult. I think if he had continued to do so well into adulthood (I am in my early 30s) and only recently identified himself as fully heterosexual, I would feel similarly as I do now.

I haven't the slightest problem with men who are gay and are bisexual and whatever sexual activities they choose to get involved in - I've sat on a sofa beside gay male friends cuddling thinking it was sweet, I've discussed/counselled on their sex life when my friend (one half of the couple) wanted to discuss it .. I don't have any bisexual male friends (that I know of) but my attitude would be the same - acceptance and respect. No difference between their relationship and sex life tonne than any hetero couple or any combination.

However - I am heterosexual and I am attracted to heterosexual men. I do not want to date, have sex with or have relationships with men who are not heterosexual. I may have unknowingly fine so, who knows but that would be due to them not disclosing it/hiding it.
I am not attracted to men who have had or have sex of any description with other men. End of fkg story.

*done so

If that makes me "biphobic" in spite of treating a bisexual person exactly the same as I treat anyone else (with civility and respect but I would not be getting into a relationship with or dating or having sex with a person I am not attracted to) then so be it.

I'm not attracted to women either, the thought of sex with a woman turns me cold in the same way the thought I'd sex with a man who had sex with other men does - dies that make me lesbian phobic ... In spite of having lesbian mates.

Personal preference seems to have become a dirty word in the rush to be "inclusive".

It's dangerous ground.

Nobody should be compelled to fancy/sleep with/date anyone else for ANY reason.

But if you find otherwise someone very attractive, have lots in common, they have a great personality etc - should their bisexuality put you off? I dunno! It’s definitely personal choice and whatever you do is the right choice for you!

As i said before, my FWB is bisexual and whilst we have a brilliant sex life, he recently said he missed the taste of cock! I wouldn't be able to deal with that idea if we were in a proper relationship as I couldn't give him what he wants. I think in a relationship, you want to be able to give the other person everything you can.

ceejay there's no should about it. I once went off someone I'd previoysly been very attracted to when he picked the pepperoni off his puzza on our second date. Should that have put me off? Who cares, it just did - I didn't owe him or anyone another date or reflection on my attitude, or a self castigating speech - I just thought nope, gone right off him now, and I made my excuses.

Previously - typos sorry

Honestly someone could not want to have sex with someone simply because there name is Carl (no offense to anyone named Carl it was just the first name I thought of) and there would still be nothing wrong with that, the OP hasn't even said why the thought of a relationship with a bi man turns her off she has don't nothing wrong and hasn't been bi-phobic in asking how to politely turn him down. The problem comes from some other posters suggesting that bi people are unable to have healthy, fulfilling, monogomous relationships or that they are some how corrupt, and then other posters taking offense to the fact that people are allowed to be turned off of sexual relationships by all manner of things and that has no bearing on the type of person they are.

Wow, there is no way I would date a bi sexual man. I don’t care if people say that I’m “biphobic” , I wouldn’t date a man that has fucked other men. That’s my decision.

Anotherotherone that made me laugh. What a monster.

So to some it is small minded to not want to date or have sex with a bisexual man.

For me, small minded is telling a woman that she is a whatever-phobe if she states a preference and that she should put someone else’s wants and desires above their own.

Poppycock. Or Poppyfoof. Don’t want to be called out on that either.

I have my reasons for not wanting to sleep with a bisexual man. That should be enough.

Anotherone why did he order pepperoni in the first place?!

LoveintheTimeofCoronaa the answer is slightly outing, but it was 25 year ago so who cares I guess... We met in Japan, well off the beaten track for foreigners, and neither of us could read the menu ...

That perhaps means its understandable that he got something he hadn't specifically wanted, but we were both in a rural, remore part of Japan and getting pepperoni on your pizza was about the tamest unexpected food ordering mishap! I'd eaten fish eyeballs straight out of a huge boiled fish head, slimey fermented beans, pigs ears and types of sashimi which I definitely wouldn't have chosen (I struggled with gleaming cubes of raw tuna far more than pigs ears) but it was an expensive delicacy) that week - my older male colleagues thought it was amusing to order things they were sure I wouldn't eat, and I was determined not to crack first... so actually not eating the pepperoni that unexpectedly arrived probably was a genuine sign we were incompatible

OP you arent obliged to date anyone you dont want to and pp scolding you is hardly going to make you suddenly change your mind is it?
Just tell him you don’t see it working out.
Men dump women online without a moments thought for lots of reasons so I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty about that. It’s your choice.

Who cares, it just did - I didn't owe him or anyone another date or reflection on my attitude, or a self castigating speech - I just thought nope, gone right off him now, and I made my excuses

Seriously! Agree. I am lol at the poor man posters- men ghost women ALL THE TIME online and don’t feel an ounce of guilt yet we are supposed to date people we don’t feel comfortable dating so as not to upset them? No. Fck right off with that nonsense.

I'm bi, I tell people quite early on and I expect it to be a turn off. It not always is.
It does not mean I find sex life with either sex unsatisfactory , nor does it mean I cheat. Being bi is (for me at least) is not about always missing something - it's getting all you want from either men or women.

another what a fab story!! I agree though, unless he was veggie or from a religion who don't eat pork, I would have found that a bit pathetic after all of your diplomacy eating unusual things!

And yes, yes, he can eat anything he wants but I get it. I caught the ick from one very new guy after I made a lavish breakfast and he made a fuss about the orange juice having bits in.

I am totally unreasonable in that I find vegetarianism quite a turn off. I know there are lots of good reasons for it, it indicates someone who thinks about things, moral conviction, possibly a love for animals, healthy lifestyle etc. etc. etc. but I just can't get away from my gut feel of an inner eyeroll about finicky eaters. I don't feel the same way about meat-eaters who carefully eat only properly raised and cared for animals (when cooking for themselves) so there is no real logic! Totally my issue, but there it is!