4 weeks pregnant. Am I being demanding or are these red flags

[Zarazara88]

I’m having lots of mixed emotions about whether I’m over reacting tonight over my OHs behaviour.

We’ve been together a short 6 months but have discussed starting a family at length. He said he would feel comfortable even if an accident happened. After a Valentine’s Day 4 day break, I unexpectedly discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

At the end of our little break on the final day I’d seen a side of OH I hadn’t seen before.

We’d been walking for an hour and couldn’t find a shop that was only meant to be ten minutes away. I told him I was hungry and feeling a bit dizzy. At which stage he said we should go back to the hotel and stormed off in front of me. He didn’t talk to me when we got back and sat there ignoring me. I told him I was going for a walk and he didn’t even look up. The cab ride to the airport and all through security he ignored me and I thought ok it’s over I can’t be with someone like this and left him to it.

He tracked me down in departures, bought me some crepe and ice cream with him that I ended up sobbing into as he apologised saying he needed some space and was apparently angry at me storming off for a walk, drawing attention to myself. I said I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that and we smoothed it over and he promised not to behave like that again.

We both live separately and we’ve barely seen each other since we’ve been back. He’s been working hard at his new job, going in on days off to honour client meetings to secure sales.

Sunday I told him and he took the days off. We went for a drive and to eat to talk and clear our heads. I ended up sobbing telling him even though we both feel it’s too soon for our careers, finances etc that I’m not sure I can go through with a termination. After a few hours he told me to stop crying and I ended up getting annoyed and pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.

On Monday I booked a clinic appointment for Saturday and told him. We’ve spoke mostly by message all week due to him working til 8 and then me conking out by half 9. We’ve spoke at length about how conflicted I am and he seemed understanding. On Thursday he said he doubted he could get Saturday off. Which long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was.

Friday night he turns up, we barely talk about it, both shattered from work mostly. Do the deed, cuddle up. Much to my surprise he goes home and says he has work tomorrow but he would be back after work. I was in a bit of shock.

We’ve messaged at intervals today. Told him there’s no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. Also if I had to, then I think it would finish us. I’d be embarrassed to tell a family or friend my alleged partner couldn’t even get a day off for the biggest decision of my life. He said he didn’t want me to go alone and booked next weekend off for my rescheduled appointment.

We discussed over text how even though I’m scared of all the career and financial obstacles like he is, I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him and we’ve talked about this so much already. Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to effect my mental health.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. But I can’t help but be scared that this mans behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

He finished work at 5pm, I expect him to drive home and do whatever but from 6:40 until 9:30 he ignored my call to ask if he was coming because I wanted to eat. He ignored texts.

I keep trying to be level headed and think that this is a surprise for him and it’s also a lot to get his head around. But he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me and then sent this

“Yeah sorry I should of said from early that I wasn’t going to be about.. I needed to be out, I couldn’t come tonight with the thoughts on my mind, wouldn’t be fair to you or me”

I just feel like I’m about to grieve my child and my relationship. I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys. This situation feels like heartache no matter which path I take.

Im actually now 5 weeks pregnant and will be 6 by next Saturday when my scheduled appointment is.

To me, the relationship sounds like it is over. So really the question you need to ask yourself is how do you feel about going ahead with your pregnancy and being a single parent?

Yeah, it doesn't sound like the relationship has legs, unfortunately. I am sorry. Do you think you'll be able to do this alone? Ultimately, I think that's what you're looking at.

This is not a man who wants a baby with you.

This is not a man you can rely on.

What are you going to do about it? Are you going to have the baby and spend the next 18 years hating this man? I wouldn't. I'm sorry but I'd book myself in for an appointment asap and would dump this man even faster than asap.

Sweetheart, turn your phone off. Sleep. He isn’t the man you want to start a family with.

The only question now is do you want the baby. Look and think - do YOU want to keep the baby. That decision is yours alone. I would keep your phone off. You’ve got some time to think and breathe. Think about what you want. Make your decision based on what you want alone. Don’t rely on him.

Wow that was long Op.

I don't know how old you are but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet.

All this back and forth with a guy who doesn't care and just says what he needs to when he wants something isn't good for you at all.

You can have a termination on your own, or have the baby on you own. Expecting him to be there when he's showing you he doesn't want to is dragging this out.

Also all this crying in front of him, I understand he upsets you but he doesn't care, there Isn't anything worse then opening up to someone for them to still hurt you.

It's very early day and takes up to 18 months to really know someone.

Do what's best for you and only you.

Be grateful he has shown his true colours early. Don’t keep stressing about him and start looking after yourself. That starts with what you need and want to do about the baby.

I swear we could have the same baby daddy!
The evasiveness will only get worse as things progress. You need to think about you and the baby. I'm now 28 weeks and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that someone couldn't be interested enough to attend gender scans etc. However, he will always say the correct thing so as not to lose face in public.
You are being strung along the quicker you realise it the easier it gets.

So you repeatedly had unprotected sex and your pregnancy was "unexpected"?

Assuming that do actually know how babies are made, why did you intentionally have unprotected sex with someone you've only been dating for 6 months?

I'm not going to bother analysing the relationship and his behaviour in great depth because the fact is that you naively rushed into pregnancy without really knowing him properly and it's clearly not a stable or good relationship.

So end it with him and decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy and be a single mother or end the pregnancy and move on with your life.

He doesn't sound like somebody to be in a relationship with. He sounds selfish and spiteful and manipulative. He makes you sob a lot.

As others say, yoyr decision is simply whether to be a single mother or have a termination.

The man doesn't enhance your life. Any relationship which is so fraught during the first year should be binned. The first year of a good relationship is like walking on air - bumps in the road come later but the first year shouldn't be hard work or painful.

He was nasty before you knew you were pregnant so its not the strain of a pregnancy so early on - the comment about being angry with you for drawing attention to yourself is really weird and very unpleasant.

You’ve been together 6 months, repeatedly spoken about having a baby, and low and behold, an ‘accident’ occurs.
He’s practically told you he does not want this baby. He’s made it clear, without actually saying ‘I don’t want you to have this baby’.
It’s your choice. He will have to pay CM, but you can’t force him to be involved and a good dad. Are you able to bring this baby up alone? Because that is what is going to happen.

Oh, and also, he is a bit of a prick too. You could do better

6 months and you have been sobbing because of his behaviour. Please know that isn't normal.

How old are you? Could you manage being a single mum as it seems likely you will be. What family support do you have?

You barely know him.
Realise that you will either have a termination alone or give birth and bring up a child alone - somehow I doubt he will be any support emotionally, physically or financially. But I'm sure he will sniff around for access to your bedroom. If you remain pregnant you will be tied to him for decades. Is that whet you want?
Please get contraception sorted, and I'd advise you don't get pregnant until you really know someone for a lot longer than 6 months.

Hes a stranger op. 6 months is barely enough time to know someone.

You're alone with this now. Stop trying to get him to be the person you hope he is - hes not that person. Tell your best mate, mum, sister, and go to the clinic with someone who actually loves you.

Or, stay pregnant but please dont do that thing where you continue to try to manipulate a totally uninterested man into acting like a responsible father.

In future, Please dont have unprotected sex with men you don't know very well. You're only going to hurt yourself. Xx

You poor thing.

In relationships, there are usually glimpses of each others what I'll call 'bad traits' anything up to a year or 2 in (longer if not in regular contact)-and these glimpses are very real and show the other persons true colours.

From what you've said I would seriously have the termination and finish with him as he sounds vile. Friday night he obviously wanted to get his leg over which he did then fucked off!!!!!!

I was with an ex early 20's and had to have a termination. The hardest decision ever. Blamed myself so much, felt so guilty etc.
My head ruled my heart thankfully. My first termination date he couldn't attend as he was at a social gathering that had been arranged a while before. From that moment I knew we wouldn't last.
He didn't need to be there but wanted to enjoy himself. Second time he took me. We split for other reasons about 4/5 years later and I'm so relieved I was not/ am not tied to him with a child.
I'm very maternal but I was able to make a sensible, right for me decision. I worked out my due date and (not so much now) think about how old he/ she would be etc. But I wouldn't be where I am now 14 years later with a dh and dc.

I've heard he's basically now in the gutter so I'm glad there was no child to have to deal with parents who didn't even choose this situation or have an 'ideal' relationship.

Try and look at the facts and leave your feelings out of it and see what you come up with.

Everyone is different though and you know how you feel.

Good luck.

When taking your decision about the pregnancy, assume that the relationship will end, and that he will do v little to help you, since that’s probable.

You hardly know him and he has shown you negative things.

He's using you for sex. Have a termination, forget him and enjoy your life. He doesn't want a baby or relationship with you, I'm sorry.

You sound as if you are trying to blackmail him into staying with you . It will affect your mental health ? He's taken by surprise ?....You are still having sex with him ? He doesn't want to be a father - its very clear. Face the facts . You barely know him.

You've said it yourself, "6 short months". That isn't enough time to know anyone, let alone have a child with them? Sounds like he's already checked out if the relationship so you have to decide if you want to be a single parent or not?

Accept that the relationship is over.

Realise that you are not ready to be a mother.

Next time be more careful and less needy.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP. Imagine how unpleasant this man would be if you have a baby with him. Best case scenario is he fades out of the picture and you’re able to be a single parent without his interference. Worst case scenario is he flounces and sulks at any minor inconvenience like he did on holiday. Imagine if the child was grizzly because they were tired or grizzly? He just does not sound like father material to me.

You're heartbroken and wounded right now, so I hope you've fallen asleep to let your body and mind rest a while.

This man is telling you who he is so please listen to him. Whether or not you continue with your pregnancy, I don't think you should continue with the relationship. Let him go. He wants to go. Do yourself a favour and don't let him back.

Think about whether you want to carry on with this pregnancy. The timing isn't ideal, but hey, most of us are the result of less than ideally timed pregnancies! There are lots of reasons why "it'll never work" but if you decide it's what you want, every single one of those reasons will pale into insignificance.

It's your choice, nobody else's.

Christ
A baby that early in a relationship?
Can’t end well

He's got some huge red flags, red flags that you will have to out up with first the rest of your life if you decide to keep the child - you'll never be rid of him. If he can storm off now etc in the honeymoon period, I dread to think what it'll be like once the novelty has worn off!