4 weeks pregnant. Am I being demanding or are these red flags

[Zarazara88]

I’m having lots of mixed emotions about whether I’m over reacting tonight over my OHs behaviour.

We’ve been together a short 6 months but have discussed starting a family at length. He said he would feel comfortable even if an accident happened. After a Valentine’s Day 4 day break, I unexpectedly discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

At the end of our little break on the final day I’d seen a side of OH I hadn’t seen before.

We’d been walking for an hour and couldn’t find a shop that was only meant to be ten minutes away. I told him I was hungry and feeling a bit dizzy. At which stage he said we should go back to the hotel and stormed off in front of me. He didn’t talk to me when we got back and sat there ignoring me. I told him I was going for a walk and he didn’t even look up. The cab ride to the airport and all through security he ignored me and I thought ok it’s over I can’t be with someone like this and left him to it.

He tracked me down in departures, bought me some crepe and ice cream with him that I ended up sobbing into as he apologised saying he needed some space and was apparently angry at me storming off for a walk, drawing attention to myself. I said I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that and we smoothed it over and he promised not to behave like that again.

We both live separately and we’ve barely seen each other since we’ve been back. He’s been working hard at his new job, going in on days off to honour client meetings to secure sales.

Sunday I told him and he took the days off. We went for a drive and to eat to talk and clear our heads. I ended up sobbing telling him even though we both feel it’s too soon for our careers, finances etc that I’m not sure I can go through with a termination. After a few hours he told me to stop crying and I ended up getting annoyed and pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.

On Monday I booked a clinic appointment for Saturday and told him. We’ve spoke mostly by message all week due to him working til 8 and then me conking out by half 9. We’ve spoke at length about how conflicted I am and he seemed understanding. On Thursday he said he doubted he could get Saturday off. Which long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was.

Friday night he turns up, we barely talk about it, both shattered from work mostly. Do the deed, cuddle up. Much to my surprise he goes home and says he has work tomorrow but he would be back after work. I was in a bit of shock.

We’ve messaged at intervals today. Told him there’s no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. Also if I had to, then I think it would finish us. I’d be embarrassed to tell a family or friend my alleged partner couldn’t even get a day off for the biggest decision of my life. He said he didn’t want me to go alone and booked next weekend off for my rescheduled appointment.

We discussed over text how even though I’m scared of all the career and financial obstacles like he is, I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him and we’ve talked about this so much already. Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to effect my mental health.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. But I can’t help but be scared that this mans behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

He finished work at 5pm, I expect him to drive home and do whatever but from 6:40 until 9:30 he ignored my call to ask if he was coming because I wanted to eat. He ignored texts.

I keep trying to be level headed and think that this is a surprise for him and it’s also a lot to get his head around. But he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me and then sent this

“Yeah sorry I should of said from early that I wasn’t going to be about.. I needed to be out, I couldn’t come tonight with the thoughts on my mind, wouldn’t be fair to you or me”

I just feel like I’m about to grieve my child and my relationship. I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys. This situation feels like heartache no matter which path I take.

I don't understand how people decide to create a new life when they have known each other for such a short time.

It was a bad decision on both sides, because you can now see the true person.

These are stressful times and perhaps you need to think whether you, on your own can raise the baby.

Your BF has shown you who he is...accept it and be prepared to go it alone whatever you decide.

Have had a termination and can confirm that though it was really difficult at the time it was the right decision for me and hasn’t prevented me having children when the time was right.

The relationship doesn’t sound as though it would last the pregnancy never mind the strains of new parenthood.

Proceed if you want to be a single parent from the word go or terminate if you don’t. It’s your decision but those are your choices.

I'm sorry to be blunt but the relationship is over anyway.

Do you want to have his baby by yourself? Or terminate? Because those are your realistic options.

He is telling you who he is an what he wants/doesn't want. He is telling you that he doesn't want a baby with you and he is not behaving like someone who wants a relationship with you.

Please now focus on what you want from the options available.

@Zarazara88 I'm sorry you've had to go through this and that you've received so many nasty comments on here.

I have also in the past posted on here looking for support and relationship advice in early pregnancy and all I received was rude replies telling me to get an abortion (like it's as easy as popping to the shops) or ridiculing me about my contraception methods.

I'm now 15 weeks and I backed out of my abortion at literally the last minute and it's the best decision I've ever made. Although everyone is different and everyone should do what they need to do when it comes to terminations. You'll know in your heart if you want to do this and it's your decision, you sound very strong.

Whatever you decide you'll be making the right choice for yourself and that's what matters. This man sounds like he's been awful through this and I'm sorry you've had to go through that. And don't for one second feel bad for showing emotions or crying infront of him or anyone else for that matter, you're a human being you're allowed emotions and you're also pregnant!! You're also very reasonable to ask for company to the appointment, anyone who says otherwise has obviously never been in that daunting situation and has no authority to comment on the matter.

Best wishes to you

It’s traumatic experience that remains with you for life

I'm sorry but I disagree. At the time it was a relief and I never even think about it anymore. More a case of thank fuck I dodged THAT bullet!

Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

I’m not normally one to disparage a short redlationship. I was pregnant within a year. 25 years later and we still love each other very very deeply, and have total respect for each other alongside loads of laughs. Your partner sounds like a cunt. I could not have a baby in that situation. 5 weeks is nothing, you have choices.

Read your post back op
Their is clearly no relationship and to discuss planning a family so early on baffles me. You should be enjoying it and going on dates etc not trying to fast forward a few years
Think you need to come to terms with the relationship ending and maybe get support from a close friend in regards to a termination
I know it doesnt compare but a lot of women go alone - sometimes for different reasons I.e childcare so DP can't go etc but I think you need to sit back and look at it on a whole. The guy doesn't want a baby with you and looks as though he doesn't want a relationship either the way he's acting and ignoring you.

Hope your ok x

I'm sorry for the difficult position you have found yourself in. I can understand why you have been crying. From what you've said about this man he really doesn't sound like someone you want to be in a relationship with. Certainly give yourself plenty of space away from him right now while you have a good think, and make your own decision. If you decide to go ahead with the baby then do so knowing that you like many mothers before you are strong and can do it. Best wishes.

OP
I think everyone is being overly harsh and critical.
Early pregnancy is stressful and like you, i was an emotional wreck. Breaking down crying in public over the sheer fear of everything- pregnancy, motherhood, the logistics of caring for a new human. It can be overwhelming.
Similarly, many men are very stressed thinking about impending fatherhood.
Just like you are acting out of character due to hormones and stress, so might he be as well. It’s tough because you expect men to be unaffected and solid as rocks when the reality is that impending parenthood just means clinging to each other and doing your best to be ready when the baby is born.

I don’t think your partner is so bad to be honest. It’s one thing to say you would be comfortable with a baby on the way and a completely different thing altogether to face the reality of pregnancy and parenthood a definite event in the horizon. The idea of a baby is more fun and easier to accept than the stark reality of having one. I agree he needs to snap out of his zoning out habit where he ignores you or tries to switch off reality. If he can’t, the relationship is in danger.

I do think that your relationship is very young and that is why Is struggling due to the stress of the pregnancy on both of you. It is probably the first stressful event you two have ever had to face together. Am I right? That’s why most couples wait longer before having a baby, they rightly want a solid foundation before taking that leap of faith.

But I don’t think the relationship is doomed to fail. There is something worth keeping. Yes he zones out, but he has always chosen to come back to you and has said the right things...things he’s obviously thought through carefully on his own before approaching you. Whether he can live up to his promises is a valid fear but every mother has the same fear when she chooses to have a baby with a partner. I don’t know any woman who has been 100% convinced her man would stick around the next eighteen years to raise a child. All of us have had the fear and doubt. Sometimes you just have to see how things will turn out.