4 weeks pregnant. Am I being demanding or are these red flags

[Zarazara88]

I’m having lots of mixed emotions about whether I’m over reacting tonight over my OHs behaviour.

We’ve been together a short 6 months but have discussed starting a family at length. He said he would feel comfortable even if an accident happened. After a Valentine’s Day 4 day break, I unexpectedly discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

At the end of our little break on the final day I’d seen a side of OH I hadn’t seen before.

We’d been walking for an hour and couldn’t find a shop that was only meant to be ten minutes away. I told him I was hungry and feeling a bit dizzy. At which stage he said we should go back to the hotel and stormed off in front of me. He didn’t talk to me when we got back and sat there ignoring me. I told him I was going for a walk and he didn’t even look up. The cab ride to the airport and all through security he ignored me and I thought ok it’s over I can’t be with someone like this and left him to it.

He tracked me down in departures, bought me some crepe and ice cream with him that I ended up sobbing into as he apologised saying he needed some space and was apparently angry at me storming off for a walk, drawing attention to myself. I said I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that and we smoothed it over and he promised not to behave like that again.

We both live separately and we’ve barely seen each other since we’ve been back. He’s been working hard at his new job, going in on days off to honour client meetings to secure sales.

Sunday I told him and he took the days off. We went for a drive and to eat to talk and clear our heads. I ended up sobbing telling him even though we both feel it’s too soon for our careers, finances etc that I’m not sure I can go through with a termination. After a few hours he told me to stop crying and I ended up getting annoyed and pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.

On Monday I booked a clinic appointment for Saturday and told him. We’ve spoke mostly by message all week due to him working til 8 and then me conking out by half 9. We’ve spoke at length about how conflicted I am and he seemed understanding. On Thursday he said he doubted he could get Saturday off. Which long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was.

Friday night he turns up, we barely talk about it, both shattered from work mostly. Do the deed, cuddle up. Much to my surprise he goes home and says he has work tomorrow but he would be back after work. I was in a bit of shock.

We’ve messaged at intervals today. Told him there’s no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. Also if I had to, then I think it would finish us. I’d be embarrassed to tell a family or friend my alleged partner couldn’t even get a day off for the biggest decision of my life. He said he didn’t want me to go alone and booked next weekend off for my rescheduled appointment.

We discussed over text how even though I’m scared of all the career and financial obstacles like he is, I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him and we’ve talked about this so much already. Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to effect my mental health.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. But I can’t help but be scared that this mans behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

He finished work at 5pm, I expect him to drive home and do whatever but from 6:40 until 9:30 he ignored my call to ask if he was coming because I wanted to eat. He ignored texts.

I keep trying to be level headed and think that this is a surprise for him and it’s also a lot to get his head around. But he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me and then sent this

“Yeah sorry I should of said from early that I wasn’t going to be about.. I needed to be out, I couldn’t come tonight with the thoughts on my mind, wouldn’t be fair to you or me”

I just feel like I’m about to grieve my child and my relationship. I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys. This situation feels like heartache no matter which path I take.

After 5 minutes together you decided to have a baby? What incredibly stupid and irresponsible decision on your part. What were you thinking.

Wow.

Some of you make up your own facts and then go in like vultures. Jesus. The one thing I know I don’t want it to become so bitter I offend strangers on internet chat for fun.

Where @AnotherEmma did I say that we had repeated unprotected sex

For the record this wasn’t planned. We were in Italy for 4 days shagging protected. Clearly it wasn’t a successful protection. Hence the unexpected pregnancy.

The being a sulky ignorant prick on the last day of the trip was the first ever red flag in the entire relationship so far.

Yes I’ve been sobbing the past week, I’m pregnant way before I expected to be. I’m 32 years old and I thought the first time I was ever pregnant I would be excited rather than making a decision whether to have a child. It’s emotional. On top of that I’m teaching other people’s 4 years and for some reason they bring them to school with illnesses, including full on chickenpox, child looking like it has the plague with the excuse “they’ve had paracetamol” because they want to fuck off to work. So yes I have been sobbing a lot about being pregnant, not because of him.

I’d love to know how exactly discussing options and my feelings about them with someone I’m expecting a child with makes me blackmailer or too needy. @TheStuffedPenguin @FlowerArranger

You will always get varied opinions when you post on a public forum, done will of course be judgemental.

I agree with a previous poster who said that right now he is showing all the signs of bot supporting you or wanting to continue in a relationship so the decision is yours and yours alone.
Your decision should be on the basis of whether you would manage as a single parent with possibly no real help either physical or financial from the father.

Please speak to a friend or family member in real life for support.

I have supported a few people with terminations, I would never judge them.
I was just there to be a friend and hold their hand.

@Zarazara88 I hear you on the teaching front! I'm 29 weeks' pregnant and some parents are bringing kids into school with coughs and other ailments. And a lot of these parents aren't working parents either!!

I fell pregnant whilst taking the pill religiously so I know it can happen. My circumstances were different in that it was with my fiancé and although a huge shock it made us re-evaluate things. Sadly the pregnancy ended in a mc. We then made the decision together that if we were to have a baby in the future it probably wasn't a great idea to wait as we had planned due to our ages (39 and 44). Fell pregnant first month of trying!

But what I don't really get is...Did you discuss having a baby with this guy? Seems very early on in the relationship.

I once dated a man (turned out to be a complete idiot) who all of a sudden sent me a text saying that if I ever got pregnant he "wouldn't expect me to get an abortion or anything". It was basically code for "I don't want to use a condom or be responsible for contraception." Relationship didn't last long after that!

You need to decide if you want to be a parent or not. It really isn’t a joint decision because ultimately you could be left holding the baby.

Your emotions are all over the place and as scary as that may be, it can’t be fun to witness either. The clinging, hot and cold (bordering on the manipulative) is not helping. It sounds like you’ve confused talk of babies early in a relationship as the same as wanting a baby. He clearly doesn’t want to be a father and doesn’t even want the responsibility of dealing with the decision to terminate, which leaves the decision in your hands.

The relationship doesn’t have legs and you sadly have got carried away with the possibility of a happy ever after. The reality was, you were dating and the relationship was not established enough to support having a child.

The balls in your court, you are doing yourself no favours with the hot and cold behaviour.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament Op. Really, really sorry.

It is indeed an extremely emotional time for you.

Relationshipwise...... it's really not good now is it? With the best will in the world wanting it to be right isn't going to make it right. I don't think you are being needy but I do think this man cannot meet your needs on any level emotionally.

The pregnancy...... this is going to sound so black and white but please don't be offended.
A straightforward pregnancy isn't difficult.
A straightforward birth isn't difficult.
Raising a child (done well) can bring you to your knees. Emotionally, Physically, Financially.

Raising a child alone IS difficult. Relentlessly difficult year after year after year.

I have 3 adult children but I wasn't single.

In your position I'd be going down the termination route. I'd also wash my hands of that man.

@Zarazara88
Don’t take the nasty comments to heart. So many women do not understand that contraception can fail, until it happens to them.

I think it sounds like a really immature relationship from both sides and I agree it has no future. You have some serious decisions to make and I do t think you'll be able to reply on him to help you make them.

At 6 months in, you barely know each other. The first year is when you go from honeymoon period to figuring the quirks of each other out, how you navigate arguments, what each of you are like when stressed, bad habits etc.

You skipped all that to make babies.

Neither of you are at fault.
You're just different personalities.
Which you would have figured out and navigated through / split up over if you'd not gotten pregnant so quickly.

@Zarazara88... you object to being called needy, but read through some of your statements again:

I ended up sobbing ... I pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.... long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was. ... no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. (I told him) I love him ... Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to affect my mental health. ... he ignored my call to ask if he was coming. He ignored texts. ... he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me ... I can’t help but be scared (about) this man's behaviour...

Can you see how you are largely basing crucial decisions about your future on someone other than yourself? Someone who is clearly trying to detach and who I am willing to bet will NOT be there for you - whatever he may end up saying in response to your attempts to discuss. The two of you are clearly not on the same page, and yet you continue to will it to be different. You need it to be different because you don't currently feel strong enough to be in charge of your decision-making.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. I can’t help but be scared that this man's behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

Words, just words. And both your rational brain and your gut are telling you that believing him would be unwise. The only relevant words in the above are this: "He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us." Can you see how his promise to "look after us" is contradicted to the bit I highlighted?

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. If I wasn't I wouldn't have bothered to write this post But now you need to do what you have to do, without longing for his help or his love. I'm sure you can do this, and you'll be glad you did.

He sounds like someone who doesn't want a relationship or a baby.

The decision you need to make is do you want this baby. I think you'll have to accept that if you don't terminate then you'll be a single parent

Clearly discussing in depth procreating with someone you hardly know is going to be met with some disdain on here. However it’s done now. He does not wish a child at this stage op. If you wish to proceed you need to accept it will be alone. The decision needs to be yours.

OP I'm sorry you're going thru this. A lot of posters on here will say get rid of him of the baby etc but I know it's not as easy as that.

I would say be cautious of the red flags. He shouldn't be ignoring you and shouldn't be doing his own thing until he is ready to speak to you. You're pregnant with his child and he should be there to look after you just like how you're looking after his unborn baby. If he does anything else, it's unacceptable.

Have a serious discussion with him and say if you both plan to have a successful relationship and successful parenthood there are things that need to change. Starting with the ability to not ignore you when you need him. And consider moving in together, you will get to know what he is really like.

Drawing attention to yourself... imagine what it will be like with a baby and all that need with nothing for him. This relationship is over and you need to think seriously whether you want a child with a man who is this selfish now.

He shows all the signs of someone who will not provide for his own child.

Please think very carefully before you decide. Make the decision with yourself in mind. He is already thinking of himself first so no guilt.

Men who treat their partners badly when they are pregnant do not get any better after a child arrives.

Six months in you barely know each other and I’d find it very intense to be discussing children at length.

You then announce a pregnancy and he’s very clearly running for the hills and the relationship is at an end. It sounds like you want very different things.

It sounds to me like the pregnancy was fully intentional as you thought he was committed, whereas he just kept saying the 'right' things about starting a family to keep you on side.

I agree that you need to decide whether you'd rather terminate alone or bring up a baby alone. He still keeps saying the right things but doesn't follow through. If he can't do that now, he won't ever. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

If you have been exposed to chicken pox you should very seriously consider having an abortion.

Were you both taking responsibility for contraception? Which method were you using? I’d also wonder if if was you if he thinks you did this on purpose and doesn’t wish to articulate it. Who raised the conversation of having a child together? You say he said he would be comfortable if it happened , which makes it sound like you raised it and he played lip service, never dreaming it would happen. Clearly a mistake.

Who was taking responsibility for contraception is important here. I know a lot of people seem to think no man should ever trust a woman and if he doesn’t wish kids he should use condoms, but in many relationships one person takes contraceptive responsibility and the other trusts them.

If it was you owning it and you who raised an intense discussion on having kids, there could be an issue here where he feels he’s in some way been tricked into this. If it was him and he raised it, then the reality is something very different to the idea for him.

Who pushed the conversations "at length" about having babies? Even so it's happened now and you're both equally responsible but as the woman it is your decision (and rightly so). I'd make that decision based on assuming he won't be there for you. You will be the one left literally holding the baby.

To save yourself cringing when you look back I'd stop the crying etc in front of him. It won't make him care. You do sound quite needy which you will need to look at if you're going to become a single parent.

@Redshoeblueshoe It's only an issue if she hasn't had it before and then gets it herself. I am a teacher and was exposed to it at around 22 weeks' pregnant but I've had it before (as have my two kids) so have immunity.

First things first, take some time to decide if you want this baby or not. There are no rights or wrongs here, you must try and work out what feels right for you at this point in your life. Make this decision with the assumption that you will be a single parent. Think about practicalities - what support do you have, do any family live locally? Where do you live? How would you balance work and childcare? How is your financial situation? Bearing in mind that these are questions that many of us worry about even if we are in a stable relationship, and that there is rarely a "perfect" time to have a child.

Once you have made the decision as to whether to continue with the pregnancy, then look at the relationship. It doesn't sound like he really cares about you TBH. Keep your contact with him minimal over the next few days and waste as little headspace as possible over him.

Rain at 22 weeks you would have been fine regardless. It's the first trimester when it's an issue. I expect the OP will know if she's had it or not.

I'm always amazed at the amount of contraception failures to women who wouldn't mind having the baby. Most contraception is in the high 90s % wise yet it fails for so many.

I was always cynical about contraception failures until I had a genuine one of my own and found out at a routine doctors appointment that I was 3 months pregnant. It can happen. The OP is pregnant, confused, has a shitty boyfriend and is seeking advice and support. Let's all try and be a bit nicer please.

I don’t think anyone hasn’t been nice. But taking an intense discussion on having a child with a relatively new partner is a red flag, irrelevant of which gender raises it. They must have been together three or four months max when they started discussing it, none of us know why.

Then co incidentally there is a surprise pregnancy. There is a chance based on who was responsible for the contraception, and who raised the topic, that he might think she’s done this on purpose, which is of course always going to end a relationship. No one wants to be with someone who would do this on purpose. It’s a game over card immediately.

The fact he might think she has is not the same as she did. It could be part of why he’s reacting as he is.