4 weeks pregnant. Am I being demanding or are these red flags

[Zarazara88]

I’m having lots of mixed emotions about whether I’m over reacting tonight over my OHs behaviour.

We’ve been together a short 6 months but have discussed starting a family at length. He said he would feel comfortable even if an accident happened. After a Valentine’s Day 4 day break, I unexpectedly discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

At the end of our little break on the final day I’d seen a side of OH I hadn’t seen before.

We’d been walking for an hour and couldn’t find a shop that was only meant to be ten minutes away. I told him I was hungry and feeling a bit dizzy. At which stage he said we should go back to the hotel and stormed off in front of me. He didn’t talk to me when we got back and sat there ignoring me. I told him I was going for a walk and he didn’t even look up. The cab ride to the airport and all through security he ignored me and I thought ok it’s over I can’t be with someone like this and left him to it.

He tracked me down in departures, bought me some crepe and ice cream with him that I ended up sobbing into as he apologised saying he needed some space and was apparently angry at me storming off for a walk, drawing attention to myself. I said I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that and we smoothed it over and he promised not to behave like that again.

We both live separately and we’ve barely seen each other since we’ve been back. He’s been working hard at his new job, going in on days off to honour client meetings to secure sales.

Sunday I told him and he took the days off. We went for a drive and to eat to talk and clear our heads. I ended up sobbing telling him even though we both feel it’s too soon for our careers, finances etc that I’m not sure I can go through with a termination. After a few hours he told me to stop crying and I ended up getting annoyed and pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.

On Monday I booked a clinic appointment for Saturday and told him. We’ve spoke mostly by message all week due to him working til 8 and then me conking out by half 9. We’ve spoke at length about how conflicted I am and he seemed understanding. On Thursday he said he doubted he could get Saturday off. Which long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was.

Friday night he turns up, we barely talk about it, both shattered from work mostly. Do the deed, cuddle up. Much to my surprise he goes home and says he has work tomorrow but he would be back after work. I was in a bit of shock.

We’ve messaged at intervals today. Told him there’s no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. Also if I had to, then I think it would finish us. I’d be embarrassed to tell a family or friend my alleged partner couldn’t even get a day off for the biggest decision of my life. He said he didn’t want me to go alone and booked next weekend off for my rescheduled appointment.

We discussed over text how even though I’m scared of all the career and financial obstacles like he is, I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him and we’ve talked about this so much already. Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to effect my mental health.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. But I can’t help but be scared that this mans behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

He finished work at 5pm, I expect him to drive home and do whatever but from 6:40 until 9:30 he ignored my call to ask if he was coming because I wanted to eat. He ignored texts.

I keep trying to be level headed and think that this is a surprise for him and it’s also a lot to get his head around. But he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me and then sent this

“Yeah sorry I should of said from early that I wasn’t going to be about.. I needed to be out, I couldn’t come tonight with the thoughts on my mind, wouldn’t be fair to you or me”

I just feel like I’m about to grieve my child and my relationship. I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys. This situation feels like heartache no matter which path I take.

She didn't get pregnant on her own.

If you want a baby now then stay pregnant. You will most likely be a mother 8 months from now.

He does not want to be a parent. With luck you will get child maintenance. Expect nothing else.

If you want marriage and multiple babies then end this, change partner, change contraception.

@Neilsfavouritechilli contraception failures do happen but people are raising an eyebrow at the fact it just happened to happen so soon after they discussed having a family at length, less than 6 months in.

I'm sorry but I would not want a child with a man like that. I would leave him and terminate. Find someone kind instead to have your children with. Good luck OP

I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult position. I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with such a weak man who can’t support you at this time. Having his child means you’re tied forever, although he sounds like he would just fuck off regardless.

Why are you still sleeping with him while this is unresolved? Sounds way too hard for a six month relationship and you are unlikely to end up playing happy families.

This sounds like an awful situation. If I were in your situation I would terminate. I don’t think it’s fair on a child to be bought into such a train crash of a relationship. You might be happy being a single Mum but you have no idea what your boyfriend will want to do. He might want shared custody etc. Do you want to tie yourself and your future child to such an uncertain future.

I understand that you worry that your MH might not be ok if you have a termination but surely you must also worry that your MH isn’t up to dealing with a baby AND a shitty ex boyfriend.

Your first priority should be your future child.
I’d prefer to have a child with an anonymous one-night- stand rather than someone I knew had ‘red flags’

Sorry you are in this position OP. He sounds like he wants out of the entire relationship, and even if he doesn't, he's not committed. He's not a keeper and I doubt you'll be able to sustain a long-term relationship with him.
Assuming he's a similar age to you, neither of you are young. He should be able to take more responsibility than he has, so yes, massive red flags. I think you need to end things.

Re: the baby. If I knew, that early on in a pregnancy, that I'd be a single mother, I'd terminate. I love my kids, but it's hard work, even with my DH doing his fair share. Unless you have some truly dependable family, it will be a slog. On top of that, you will no doubt want to meet someone else and possibly have more children afterwards. Obviously, it happens all the time, but it is much harder for single mums than childless women.

My mother raised 3 of us on her own from very young. My dad happily moved on and started a new family, but my mum struggled to juggle childcare and work. Struggled financially and had no opportunity to socialise. She's been on her own for nearly 30 years now. She would never admit it, but I know that being a single mother ruined her mental health, had a knock-on affect on her physical health, and to an extent, ruined her life. We'd already been born so it was a burden she was happy to bear. Had we not been, and had she known how tough life could be, I don't think she'd have gone ahead with a pregnancy.
That said, deciding to terminate is a massive decision and not one to take likely. I'd personally really struggle, but life is full of touch choices, and as a PP said, sometimes you have to listen to your head and not your heart.

@TorkTorkBam has hit the nail on the head.
On one hand you say you imagined having a dc(emotionally differently) on the other hand you actively used contraception.
You cannot predict what life will give you. Is this your chance for a dc?(the planets aligned, the Gods smiled, the Universe threw dice and you conceived...)

If you have had chicken pox in the past then being exposed to it won’t harm your baby. If you haven’t had it I suggest you get vaccinated as a primary school teacher, it’s always a lot more serious in adults than in children. Also going to school with a cough is fine, it’s most likely just a seasonal cold rather than covid. People are just being hypochondriacs atm.

That aside, I don’t think this man wants to have a child with you. He may not have said it but sometimes actions speak louder, he isn’t acting like someone who wants to have a serious relationship involving children. If you choose to keep the baby, you should go forward as though you will be a single Mother.

This man is staying around just enough to ensure he can pressure you into an abortion that you don’t really want. Wait and see how he becomes more direct about what he wants you to do as the day gets closer.

After that? You won’t see him for dust.

Personally I would cut contact with him for now and decide if I could be a single parent or not. This decision is only about you now.

OP, if you’re feeling sensitive it might be best if you skip my comment as I’m not going to sugar coat this. Not because I want to be mean or upset you, but because you sound like you need a little kick up the arse!

I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him

I’m sorry, but grow up. Love does not magically make a relationship work, you need a hell of a lot more than love, frankly love is overrated, respect, empathy, compromise, kindness, compassion....etc, they’re all needed in a happy relationship. And love certainly doesn’t make having a baby a wise choice. So what if you love him? You should not base all your life choices around that, and this is one of the biggest you will make.

You have been with him a very short time, he doesn’t seem all that keen right now, and you want to bring a baby into it, something that will change YOUR life forever. He can walk away if he wants and never look back, so loving him won’t help you if that happens.

I’m also sorry to say, but you do sound desperate, desperate to be loved, to have a family and I understand that, but this isn’t how to get those things, it really isn’t.

You need to think about raising this baby on your own with him completely out of the picture, don’t even count on him paying maintenance (4 billion is owed in unpaid child support, so plenty of men get away without paying), can you do it on your own? Do you want to?

Totally agree with every word @AngelsSins has said re: love..this is spot on:

Love does not magically make a relationship work, you need a hell of a lot more than love, frankly love is overrated, respect, empathy, compromise, kindness, compassion....etc, they’re all needed in a happy relationship. And love certainly doesn’t make having a baby a wise choice. So what if you love him? You should not base all your life choices around that, and this is one of the biggest you will make.

Another one of the PP has also made a point. He will just be coasting through this in the hope you have a termination and then he will be off. He is clearly not being supportive despite saying he will be.

The bottom line is you have 2 choices because he sure as hell won't be around for long:

1. have the baby on your own - it is FUCKING hard being a single parent. I've been there and I honestly would die inside if my DD became a pregnant in these circumstances as I would know what is looming ahead. Don't get me wrong, I love my DC, but it really is a lonely road sometimes. However, if you've got a good support network, finances etc then do it. People seem to forget about the actual endgame of having children...yes they want a baby, but this is another human who you will be responsible for and care for, for the rest of your life (I don't come from the abandon them at 18 school of thought).

2. Terminate - I'm pro-choice. You are very early in and there really is still time for you to have a termination, get this arsehole out of your life (he will go anyway...you watch!) and find a partner who will do all of the above as outlined "compromise, kindness, respect etc."...none of which this man sounds like he has.

I do feel for you and know it must be a very difficult decision to make. But you must make this decision based on what YOU want. He's out of the equation now because he's playing lip service to you. Don't base it on loving him...please don't make that mistake.

I agree that the relationship needs to be over either way so the decision is really about whether you want to keep the baby. Bear in mind that there’s no ‘perfect time’ to have a child. You just need to decide if you personally are willing to make the sacrifices that having a child will bring... or similarly give up the joys that having a child can bring. Only you can make that decision. But I think he’s shown that he needs to not be a part of it.

As for 6 months being too early to have a baby, my now DH and I met, were engaged, then pregnant within three months of meeting! Still happily married with more children many years later! I had this MN snobbery about short relationships.

And this is what happens when you have a baby with someone you hardly know...

I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him

Does he love you though?

Even if he does (perhaps) it sounds like he doesn't want a child with you at this time (and if you have a termination you may break up sooner or later anyway.. some relationships survive that, some don't).

It's an interesting coincidence that him being incredibly busy in work and so unavailable aligns with this pregnancy "crisis". Perhaps he'd intermittently this busy and I'm assuming wrongly, but it sounds like he's avoiding the situation (and you) to.sone extent.

He really really does not sound prepared to have a child at this time and if you proceed with the pregnancy, it is far from unlikely that you'll end up a single mum.

You're only 6 weeks. If you went along at four weeks they might ask you to return in a week or two because the procefure is so tricky/harder at such an early stage.

*anyway

As for 6 months being too early to have a baby, my now DH and I met, were engaged, then pregnant within three months of meeting! Still happily married with more children many years later! I had this MN snobbery about short relationships.

You've been fortunate.

Not getting to know someone past honeymoon phase before major commitment often results in less happy circumstances.

Abortion. Asap.

Jesus Christ. You lot really should all get kickbacks off abortion providers.
Are you lot aware that abortion is not returning a dress you didn’t like back to the shop?
It’s traumatic experience that remains with you for life. It’s not a simple switch.

Anyway I don’t remember if I was asking you all if I should have an abortion. And actually loving someone is relevant irregardless of whether he loves me. To me it’s our child. He’s turned out to be an utter dickhead who likes to gaslight with “I do care, how can you say I don’t show you I care” but ignore calls for a week. But nevertheless it’s a child to me. Not a quick fuck it in the bin thing.

As for the suggestions that I duped a man into pregnancy. You’re wrong. I’m pretty sure he was responsible for the condoms he opened up and put on his own dick. He was also fully aware ive not been on the pill for years as I was taken off it for developing angina like symptoms.

My initial post was a moment of weakness where I needed support. I wasn’t ready to talk to loved ones because I was willing to give the man a chance before they all found out he was a prick. I’ve accustomed myself to the fact he revealed his true self. Hey ho

Zarazara88 I haven't read all the replies just a couple of your posts... Sorry if I've missed anything. If you want the baby but he's not the man, then go for it! You sound like a sensible woman with your head screwed on x

Also, don't worry about the chicken pox thing.... Have you had it as a child? I hadn't and am currently pregnant also working in a nursery, when there was a case at work I had to stay off and get immunoglobulin injections (about as fun as it sounds lol) fwiw I had my 1st baby at 21, there's no set age for when we're "ready".... You just gotta imagine your life either way, see which you'd rather picture as your future?

Are you lot aware that abortion is not returning a dress you didn’t like back to the shop?

Sweetheart. This is a forum full of women of childbearing age. Do you really think that most women here haven't had a termination in the past? I certainly have. We know what we are talking about - not only have most of us been pregnant - we have also most of us had children.

And a significant proportion of us have had children with shit men, who have treated us badly and let us down. Myself included.

It sounds like you've moved towards acceptance of this man's true character. That must have hurt and I'm sorry about it.

If you decide to have an abortion, you'll get support and love here. If you decide to go ahead, equally, you'll be supported here. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not fair, and it's devastating.