4 weeks pregnant. Am I being demanding or are these red flags

[Zarazara88]

I’m having lots of mixed emotions about whether I’m over reacting tonight over my OHs behaviour.

We’ve been together a short 6 months but have discussed starting a family at length. He said he would feel comfortable even if an accident happened. After a Valentine’s Day 4 day break, I unexpectedly discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

At the end of our little break on the final day I’d seen a side of OH I hadn’t seen before.

We’d been walking for an hour and couldn’t find a shop that was only meant to be ten minutes away. I told him I was hungry and feeling a bit dizzy. At which stage he said we should go back to the hotel and stormed off in front of me. He didn’t talk to me when we got back and sat there ignoring me. I told him I was going for a walk and he didn’t even look up. The cab ride to the airport and all through security he ignored me and I thought ok it’s over I can’t be with someone like this and left him to it.

He tracked me down in departures, bought me some crepe and ice cream with him that I ended up sobbing into as he apologised saying he needed some space and was apparently angry at me storming off for a walk, drawing attention to myself. I said I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that and we smoothed it over and he promised not to behave like that again.

We both live separately and we’ve barely seen each other since we’ve been back. He’s been working hard at his new job, going in on days off to honour client meetings to secure sales.

Sunday I told him and he took the days off. We went for a drive and to eat to talk and clear our heads. I ended up sobbing telling him even though we both feel it’s too soon for our careers, finances etc that I’m not sure I can go through with a termination. After a few hours he told me to stop crying and I ended up getting annoyed and pointed out how big this is, how could I just stop crying. He said he hated seeing me cry.

On Monday I booked a clinic appointment for Saturday and told him. We’ve spoke mostly by message all week due to him working til 8 and then me conking out by half 9. We’ve spoke at length about how conflicted I am and he seemed understanding. On Thursday he said he doubted he could get Saturday off. Which long story short I conveyed how upsetting that was.

Friday night he turns up, we barely talk about it, both shattered from work mostly. Do the deed, cuddle up. Much to my surprise he goes home and says he has work tomorrow but he would be back after work. I was in a bit of shock.

We’ve messaged at intervals today. Told him there’s no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else. Also if I had to, then I think it would finish us. I’d be embarrassed to tell a family or friend my alleged partner couldn’t even get a day off for the biggest decision of my life. He said he didn’t want me to go alone and booked next weekend off for my rescheduled appointment.

We discussed over text how even though I’m scared of all the career and financial obstacles like he is, I don’t feel like I can end the pregnancy as I love him and we’ve talked about this so much already. Told him how scared I am to regret it and it’s going to effect my mental health.

He has continuously told me I’m not alone, he supports my decisions, that He’s just as gutted as me about everything and that he wishes it was the right time. He says he never wanted to be in this financial situation with kids and wants to look after us. But I can’t help but be scared that this mans behaviour and words aren’t going to match up to what I need and what he promises.

He finished work at 5pm, I expect him to drive home and do whatever but from 6:40 until 9:30 he ignored my call to ask if he was coming because I wanted to eat. He ignored texts.

I keep trying to be level headed and think that this is a surprise for him and it’s also a lot to get his head around. But he’s not said he needs time to think, or that he’s not coming tonight. He’s just ignored me and then sent this

“Yeah sorry I should of said from early that I wasn’t going to be about.. I needed to be out, I couldn’t come tonight with the thoughts on my mind, wouldn’t be fair to you or me”

I just feel like I’m about to grieve my child and my relationship. I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys. This situation feels like heartache no matter which path I take.

@GilbertMarkham the “tricky” procedure you’re offered at 6 weeks is an induced miscarriage my friend

OP most of the women on here who have had an abortion are years down the line and are now parents.

I think at your age this is very different to being 22 and with an unplanned pregnancy.

If I was you, I'd google pregnant in early relationship and see there are lots of positive outcomes of unplanned pregnancy both in terms of single mums who don't regret the pregnancy and those who are with their now spouse.

This man is probably not suddenly going to turn into the man you wanted to be with one day, planning a pregnancy etc. This is him right now, so think about whether you can cope with being tied to him and what you want for yourself. Try to put the love for him to one side as it is clouding your thinking.

Have you really changed your tune in 2 weeks or is this a bait and switch?

@GilbertMarkham the “tricky” procedure you’re offered at 6 weeks is an induced miscarriage my friend hmm

What are you talking about?

No, it's a termination/abortion I was referring to - advice was it could be too difficult/tricky in the very early weeks. I did not phone again to get any further advice.

And don't bother using "my friend" sarcastically.

Sweetheart. This is a forum full of women of childbearing age. Do you really think that most women here haven't had a termination in the past? I certainly have

Bully for you.

In actual fact the majority of women have never had an abortion. I certainly haven’t.

*Jesus Christ. You lot really should all get kickbacks off abortion providers.
Are you lot aware that abortion is not returning a dress you didn’t like back to the shop?
It’s traumatic experience that remains with you for life. It’s not a simple switch.

Anyway I don’t remember if I was asking you all if I should have an abortion.*

Below is the reason I thought yourself and your partner were considering abortion ..
And why I mentioned that you were still early and may have been turned away earlier than six weeks anyway.

I didn't decide to start randomly banging on about abortion because I'm "pro abortion", I'm not. I mentioned it because it was mentioned in your post....

no way I could have a termination alone and that I wouldn’t want to take anyone else.

Changed my tune? hun I’m pregnant. You all suggested I should get my shit together and now because I have I’m being accused of a bait and switch? I can guess what that might be.

I can see MN is a place you can’t win. If you look for support through a shit time your told to have an abortion, if you get pregnant by accident you must’ve trapped him and if you manage to sort your head out because you have to quickly due to it’s rather essential to do so in a timely fashion you’re a liar. Right got it

At 6 weeks I was offered a medical pill abortion. It’s one tablet to end your pregnancy and 4 up your vag to miscarry it my friend. It’s not tricky. It’s a traumatic miscarriage, my friend.

Do piss off

Anyway to reiterate what i and others have said in previous posts; sounds like you might end up a single mum.

(Also loving someone who doesn't love you seems somewhat masochistic especially when you're pregnant with their child).

You're right @PeridotPassion, I thought it was about 1 in 2, turns out it is 1 in 3 women have had an abortion in their lifetime. So it would be a large minority, rather than a majority.

OP you sound furious, I'm sorry that you are hurting. It's not really going to help being furious with MN or the replies you got here - folk try their best but no one is perfect, this is a forum of random internet people.

You don't have to have a baby with someone who doesn't love you and won't support you - just to reassure you, something like 95% of women don't regret an abortion. It's not the end of the world to have one. Equally, you could go ahead with the pregnancy and I'm sure things will work out, somehow. Most people manage to get by. Most people just want the best for you and your situation does sound really complicated and painful.

I wish you the best.

*At 6 weeks I was offered a medical pill abortion. It’s one tablet to end your pregnancy and 4 up your vag to miscarry it my friend. It’s not tricky. It’s a traumatic miscarriage, my friend.

Do piss off*

You have managed to read my previous post and that one ... And completely misunderstand what I'm saying in both.

To reiterate (though I don't know why I'm bothering) ... If you had tried to arrange one earlier, it may have been deemed too tricky so you may have been asked to return/contact again at 6 weeks plus.

I was not saying that it is a tricky procedure at six weeks and not minimising abortion - physically or mentally. Do you understand??

And I reiterate - why on earth are you kicking off at posters discussing abortion when you yourself introduced the subject; mentioning the discussion between yourself and your bf about you having one.

You have been given some really sound advice on here, OP.

What is you want here exactly?
You are being v aggressive

I've read your thread OP and I think you have just got to make a decision.

However in making this decision you HAVE to come to the realisation that the life you will continue to live - with or without the pregnancy.. is entirely on your own.

If roles were reversed would you want to have a child with someone you had only known six months ? I know I wouldn't - but this is literally the PRICE he pays for not taking care of his own fertility. You can force him to be a legal parent if you choose to name him on the birth certificate. He will have to pay - although don't rely on it. It can take years and many many men successfully dodge it. What you cannot force is him to be a kind, loyal, involved father. In fact you can't force fatherhood at all.

You May have played the oldest game in the book ... 'oops I've had an accident' and 'expected' him to do the decent thing. But that would have been a very stupid gamble as society no longer puts that pressure on men - expecting the woman to be the responsible one with contraception as it's freely available and they are left with the consequences.

You may genuinely have had an accident- I think people are doubting this as you admitted to discussing babies with him before the 'accident' ..

However - accident or not. This is a decision you need to make without any thoughts that he will support you.

@Zarazara88

“This is a decision you need to make without any thoughts that he will support you."

This.

You seem to be getting very annoyed at the practical advice that you are being given. No-one underestimates the impact of an abortion or indeed discovering you're pregnant early in a relationship with a partner who seems disinclined to support you. You’re in a difficult and painful position and I’m sorry that things have happened this way.

However, most of us are posting from the position of parents or of people (aunts, uncles, guardians etc) who have other had a hand in raising children. We know just how HUGE an undertaking that is - even when you have a supportive co-parent alongside you.

And we also know that romantic notions have literally no part to play in this decision. At present, you do seem to be romanticising it - saying that you want to have his baby because you love him and that you can't have an abortion unless he comes with you. I get that. I didn't know how to think like a parent before I became one.

BUT if you are contemplating keeping this baby or indeed making any decision in relation to this baby - you have to start thinking like a parent. This man's not likely to be a source of support to you. So - do you think you can raise a child on your own i.e. through to 18 and beyond? Do you have experience of that through e.g. other family members or friends who've done the same? Have you researched it? Have you looked into the cost? How will being a single mother fit in with your work commitments? What mat leave will you get? How will childcare be sourced if and when you return to work? Is there anyone else on hand (grandparents etc) who will be able to help with some of the load (though you will bear by far the bulk of it)? Remember this is a whole new person you're bringing into the world who will need your love and support for the whole of their lives. The rewards are immense but the challenges are huge. You may well be equal to the task. But these are the questions you need to be asking yourself. It's about you and your baby, no-one else.

What we're saying is that you have to start thinking extremely practically, starting with the decision of whether or not to go through with pregnancy.

Good luck.

@Zarazara88 I've not read other's post but IDK what you've said that people could have a go at in terms of the situation you're asking about- I don't think you've said anything in your OP and other posts that suggests you're acting unreasonably.

Though it sounds like some people in the thread haven't been supportive, one good thing about the thread is it's maybe made you more aware of your own feelings about the situation, that he's a dickhead etc.

Perhaps it's also clarified your own feelings for you about how you feel about abortion. Everyone's different and you're as entitled to your feelings about something and they're just as valid as anyone else's.

So, how do you feel about the situation now? Do you feel a bit more clear about the decisions you want to make?

*others' posts.

Why didn't either of you insist on using a condom?

@Zarazara88

Come on Pregnancy choices thread.
You will find people are more friendly.

Some of these posts are harsh.
I can see why the OP is trying to defend herself.
I would listen to the advice of the kinder posts.

I don't understand why people are calling you irresponsible. You had protected sex.

This is not a relationship that should continue so you need to decide if you want to be tied to this man forever or to give your baby a no father life when he inevitably fucks off.

I'm sorry.

So nasty to the people who bothered replying to that OP.
Do you want people to pat your back and tell you everything will be ok ‘hun’? You don’t want anyone’s advice, so what’s this for? JUSt so that people don’t waste their time further.

Your boyfriend is an unreliable man child who really does not want this relationship or the baby. You will have to face this decision on your own. I would also wonder what he would be like as a co-parent if he would ever step up to the plate. If his behaviour now is anything to go by, he wouldn’t be very useful and probably be very difficult.