To take his word for this?

[olivetreelane]

DH has form of lying and has previously been caught out messaging other women etc.. and a previous emotional affair. We have had counselling and talked at length about boundaries and things that trigger my suspicions (that have on occasion been incorrect) but of course I am not at peace as yet on this road to recovery...

He's been away on a training course for three days this week in his relatively new job. I knew he was in a group of men and women and he said they are at the pub each night etc.. all fine.

I mentioned something regarding COVID19 this evening and he said ah yes I know about that; I was sent some pics by someone. I thought 'someone' and asked who... he said a woman on his course. He seemed quite coy and I thought rather than jumping to any crazy conclusions I simply said ah can I read them (meaning the messages regarding the topic but also I found it strange he's swapped numbers with a woman from somewhere else in the UK who he will never see again and bearing in mind the fragile road we are on).. but guess what; the messages have been deleted! No number, no messages. The photos she sent (albeit covid related and innocent ) are still in his photo stream but it is strange that he has deleted the thread when he never deletes anyone else's messages!

Thoughts wise mumsnetters?

He says he didn't need them. Usual bullshit! I feel it's the same as all the previous times; if nothing to hide then why delete- then I can decide for myself? I can't cope with this level of uncertainly and mistrust. I just needed to write it down I think.

So, how many times are you going to repeat this pattern?

I questioned that myself. He says it wasn't anything other than the photos of the Coronavirus and NO actual messages.

But of course I can't make that judgment as there is nothing to see at all.

He also argues that he could have just lied and said those pictures were screenshots from twitter/ internet if he really wanted to lie.

Maybe he's telling the truth but he doesn't seem to understand that if he deletes things I can only assume the worst!

But it makes no difference if you assume the worst or not, to him.

He keeps doing it. You kick off and he feeds you some crap you don't really believe, but accept anyway. Until you catch him again.

Oh god why does it matter, you have lost the ability to see the woods from the trees here....whatever the truth is in this particular situation why are you putting yourself through this? He is a liar, you don't, and shouldn't, trust him. Surely you can find a better way to live your life, all the unnecessary drama must be exhausting

The trust, respect and care seem to have gone from your relationship. Can you really continue?

I totally agree with you all. No I don't think I can and it's so painful to live a life so unsettled and wondering what the next surprise will be.

I think it's because he feels I am being unreasonable this time but I don't think I can get him to understand whilst he may be telling the truth (for once) he's almost made himself guilty simply by deleting all evidence! Which doesn't sit comfortably to me. He did not need to share his number with her when he's never going to see her again and was it worth it?

Urgh. Been here a million times. Actions speak louder than words. Deleted messages: actions
Words: ‘I deleted them because I didn’t need them’
Absolute fucking bullcrap. Sorry. I’m angry with him and at myself for taking this shit and at all the people who keep doing it and at those of us who keep allowing it by repeatedly falling for their utter bollocking crap.

I couldn't live my life like that. Once the trust is gone the relationship is over IMO. He's already lied to you before, once a liar always a liar.

He won’t change. He doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you.

You either learn to live with it, or you leave him. There are no other viable outcomes. Sorry OP.

Op, you’re not leaving, you know it, he knows it. He’s not changing his behaviour. You know it he knows it. Would life not be easier if you just stopped asking him? Since you both know he won’t stop and you both know you’re not leaving anyway.

Why are you living like this? There is no trust in this relationship and there never will be. What a sad way to waste your life.

What if he is genuine this time and it simply was a picture being shared that he then deleted (even though I did find them quite easily myself via google) as he maintains?

Or should he not be putting me in this scenario anyway, despite the context? It's the fact I have no way to check for myself as I do not believe him. Why should I now, he's often told me things that have turned out to be something else.

Doesn’t matter if he’s genuine this time. He wasn’t last time and he won’t be next time. And he deleted them for a reason. He didn’t want you to see the actual messages. Cmon you know this op.

You feel you have to check his messages. He cheats so casually that you attempt to deter him by checking messages. Your relationship is fucked.

Why do you keep trying to convince yourself to stay in such a dead end relationship? Do you really think this is the best you can do?

My pov -

You've been to counselling with a chronic liar, where you've painstakingly explained each of his red flag behaviours to him...

And he doesnt even have the decency of getting better at lying. You've literally spent money teaching him all the ways he could lie more smoothly, to save your sanity and dignity - but nope!

I couldn't cope with this kind of thing OP.

I know, I know! I totally believe you all. I just needed to hear it again! I feel like a constant mug. I do believe he loves me but it's his constant need for female affirmation and attention that has killed our relationship and my self worth!

Honestly, I am a confident and outgoing person but I'm now constantly on edge and feeling sick all of the time. He told me I have a fucked up little brain last night; but that's all because of this shit!!

Christ alive, he said you have a fucked up little brain last night when he has just shown he's probably at it again, and you still want him? He knows he can shit on your pillow and you will take it. Stop talking to him and just get rid asap.

ive been there OP, and I assure you it doesn’t get easier. It’s not just about counselling to address what’s gone on. Your dp needs deep therapy to address why he needed to do all this in the first place. My ex still hasn’t addressed anything to this day. I had years of lies upon lies and excuses. If ever he volunteered the truth it would only ever be partial to mislead me and to look like a ‘good boy’ Looking back now I just cringe at how pathetic it all was, including myself for putting up with it.
I still have to tolerate his disgusting self ref kids, but in between those visits, I’m one very happy, confident, secure lady.

The mistake you're making is thinking his love means anything/is worth anything. He wants to keep you. He also wants to fuck around. He'll lie, gaslight and crazy-make, and tell you it's your problem in order to keep you and fuck around on you.

Sorry if I’ve missed it being asked already but has he explained why he had her number in the first place ? I was in a relationship like this for 6 years he was messaging other women in the first 4 months of the relationship and he convinced me to stay I never trusted him again and drove myself crazy. He did it again and again and again until I finally left , he probably won’t change and even if he did you would never trust him or be happy. Just leave x

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Unless he has a solid gold cock, a vibrating tongue, looks like Brad Pitt and is a millionaire, I can officialy say you can do better, much better.

Kick his lying sorry ass out and don't look back. He won't change

What she said ^^

The one thing you know for sure is that he has exchanged phone numbers with a woman he's only known for 3 days - he has absolutely no reason to need her phone number, given that you've said she is from another part of the UK and he will supposedly never see her again.

You say you've talked at length in counselling about your boundaries - but clearly you have none, as surely you've explained to him in words of one syllable, that him exchanging numbers with other women is something he should not do.

I think the time has come to accept that this is how he is. His behaviour won't change. He doesn't care about your boundaries, your suspicions, or your road to recovery.

There is no road to recovery whilst you remain in a relationship with this man.

He doesn't have her number saved. He apparently gave it to her to send the photos and then deleted the messages. He didn't save her number.

He maintains he has been honest in telling me that those photos in his stream were sent like this and he could have lied and said he saved them from the internet etc.. so he feels he can't do right for doing wrong.

My argument is that in his/ our scenario he should not be putting me through this anguish and concern anymore.

But today he feels hard done by and victimised!