To take his word for this?

[olivetreelane]

DH has form of lying and has previously been caught out messaging other women etc.. and a previous emotional affair. We have had counselling and talked at length about boundaries and things that trigger my suspicions (that have on occasion been incorrect) but of course I am not at peace as yet on this road to recovery...

He's been away on a training course for three days this week in his relatively new job. I knew he was in a group of men and women and he said they are at the pub each night etc.. all fine.

I mentioned something regarding COVID19 this evening and he said ah yes I know about that; I was sent some pics by someone. I thought 'someone' and asked who... he said a woman on his course. He seemed quite coy and I thought rather than jumping to any crazy conclusions I simply said ah can I read them (meaning the messages regarding the topic but also I found it strange he's swapped numbers with a woman from somewhere else in the UK who he will never see again and bearing in mind the fragile road we are on).. but guess what; the messages have been deleted! No number, no messages. The photos she sent (albeit covid related and innocent ) are still in his photo stream but it is strange that he has deleted the thread when he never deletes anyone else's messages!

Thoughts wise mumsnetters?

He says he didn't need them. Usual bullshit! I feel it's the same as all the previous times; if nothing to hide then why delete- then I can decide for myself? I can't cope with this level of uncertainly and mistrust. I just needed to write it down I think.

Not ruined. It is like you are sitting in an ice bath asking for the ice to please be less cold because you are being ruined by the coldness. Step out of the ice bath and you will start to warm up. Stay too long and you'll get hypothermia which will be much harder to overcome.

You don't want to leave him because it will be a pita so you make up excuses. He is now at the point of being irritated at you still needing him to make shit up so you can delude yourself about his nature. He has done it enough times. You can surely make up excuses on your own and not bother him by now? He is busy finding totty to perve over.

You really believe he hasn't taken it to a physical level?
Well bless your heart.

She made it clear physical was a hard limit. When she goes into the regular lie to me cycle he knows to avoid it was only sex / it was only a BJ / it meant nothing

If your going to be with someone that DOES this, then you have to prepared for them to DO this.

I would find it easy to walk away if he took it to a physical level. I don't believe he has.

@TorkTorkBam I agree with you about dragging my heels cos of the upheaval and I know he will tell everyone he merely sent the odd text but he minimises it all.

He is irritated by me now, but that's because I'm not taking this shit anymore!

I think you need to explain how you’re not taking his shit any more. I assume you’ve told him you know he’s cheating and has taken it to a physical level and you’re out? That’s not taking his shit.

Believing his lies is indeed taking his shit op.

How do you know he's taken it to a physical level @Bluntness100? I genuinely don't believe he has.

But I have told him no more crossing the line with deleting messages and the like.. which he has gone ahead and done anyway. And is now fucked off that I have had it (as he believes he was innocent and has openly told me the truth this time).

Until you have actively started separating you are taking his shit. Scolding longer and louder is still taking his shit.

Surely it would be odd for a man to have so many flings with younger female work colleagues while away on work trips and never ever get any action? That would be peculiar. If true it would suggest he is a sleazy perv and they wish he'd leave them the fuck alone.

But what does your "no more crossing the line" look like in practice? It looks like "as long as you lie quick and hard enough and hide the evidence, I'll bitch and moan, and do nothing" so essentially it's a meaningless boundary, a worthless ultimatum.

@TorkTorkBam he doesn't usually go away with work. He's in a new job and this was a training course. This was a one off.

@category12 I think, to him, that is exactly what my 'no more crossing the line' looks like'. He keeps pushing that and getting angry that I'm getting louder but until I actually put a stop to the whole thing this is exactly what my marriage would always be like. It's all it's ever been. But it feels really shit to know I have stayed and wasted so many years knowing he hasn't been happy with me.

Sunk cost fallacy. Don't throw away more potentially good years.

The thing is he is almost certainly very happy with you. He gets you and all the totty. He wants both. He successfully maintains cake. He will be quite content.

It is you that is unhappy. You hoped that his idea of a great life would magically change to match yours. It didn't. You have been a bit daft but hey ho you can stop being like that now if you want.

But it feels really shit to know I have stayed and wasted so many years knowing he hasn't been happy with me.

The problem isn't with you, it's him. Him chasing other women doesn't mean you're not a good partner or even that he wants to leave you, it just means he's a feckless horndog shitbag you'd be better off without.

Abusive men abuse their partners. If he set up home with coronavirus picture girl he would abuse her in the exact same way. He will only get worse as he gets older. He thinks he can get away with swapping numbers and deleting texts from a woman he has met when away from home. I would end that marriage if it was me. But only you know if you are going to choose to allow him to continue to abuse you. I suggest you don't

Because op why else would he delete the texts. He’s done it because he doesn’t wish you to read the messages. They incriminate him. He clearly wasn’t giving this woman his number because he wanted her to update him on corona virus , it’s the most ludicrous excuse going. They have been texting about other things, regularly.

Men don’t text younger women just for the fun of it and validation, nor do they do it for corona virus updates and then delete the messages. They do it because they want to get physical.

Thank you ladies. Whilst some of the comments have been difficult to read I needed it. Some of the things you have said were said to me by our counsellor during my individual sessions; he said to me that until I stop allowing this he will continue to behave this way. He was right. You are all right.

I feel I may have the upper hand in some ways because I'm quite used to thinking of him chatting and luring over other women whereas he has always been quite the jealous one (projection no doubt). I'm also the bread winner and he gets us into debt. Quite a catch hey?

I have been a twat and I stupidity believed he would one day wake up and smell the coco but I also agree that he's going to get worse as he ages.. I can just tell!

Ahhh this is going to be so hard! 😥

Men don’t text younger women just for the fun of it and validation, nor do they do it for corona virus updates and then delete the messages. They do it because they want to get physical.

@Bluntness100 in all of the messages I've ever stumbled across (and even read at the time) they have never been along the lines of getting physical. The counsellor believes he is one for ego stroking, attention etc.. but I guess there is a chance he could/ would take it further one day.

He only met this woman last week so I doubt he was messaging regularly but of course I can not be sure messages weren't exchanged because there was nothing left to see.

I started a relationship 6 years ago. There were many ups and downs (mainly downs). We were off and on. It couldn't continue and I ended it. Due to the fact he is all alone (maybe not because he doesn't tell me much),he says he doesn't do anything or see anybody, I kept in touch as a friend. I have had to remind him that I am just there as a friend. Wouldn't see him very often but it has become less often. He was quite I'll at one point but seemed much better of late.

He has a heart problem, COPD, doesn't exercise, doesn't eat well and drinks too much.
The last time I saw him he'd invited me for dinner but when I got there he hadn't prepared anything. He did do a bacon and egg bap.
I haven't heard off him since. I have texted if he is OK and if he needed to go shopping. I was taking him shopping since he lost his licence for drink driving.
He is 65.

To be honest I find him difficult and annoying (why the relationship didn't work).

Although I am happy not too see him I find it difficult to abandon someone who doesn't appear to have anyone else.
He may have found someone else. He may just not want to be in n contact with me any more or my worry is he got n such a bad way and needs help. How on earth do I approach this?

Woops I've tagged onto another post instead of new post. Sorry

OP you surely cannot honestly believe that he hasn't been sticking his dick in anything possible for years?

He knows to delete messages before you see them. If he hadn't accidentally slipped up and said "oh yeah a girl on the course was talking about COVID" you would have no evidence at all that he'd even exchanged numbers with this woman. As it is, he deleted the incriminating evidence before you knew to look. Which suggests he's in the habit of deep-cleaning his messages on a regular, probably daily, basis. (Or uses a burner phone.)

My guess is he exchanged numbers with her, tried to fuck her and got the brush off. That's why he's feeling all pissed off - because he didn't even get his leg over and you're STILL moaning about it! The picture of outraged innocence!

WHY don't you want to leave? You have all the evidence that he doesn't respect you or give a shit about your feelings. He will continue acting like this until you leave. He will not change. Ever. He won't change on his next relationship either, although he may get smarter about hiding his tracks.

Show yourself some respect. Stop lying to yourself and start taking action. You are in a far better position than many women who want to leave a toxic relationship. You have a good job, skills, and hopefully some support.

I would suggest asking your counsellor to explore with you the damaging lessons you may have learned since childhood with regard to monogamy, boundaries and respect. This may have been by example in your family of origin, or simply exposure to soap opera storylines in which cheating partners are forgiven again and again because "but it's twoo luv!"

He isn't getting you into debt flashing the cash to impress the fillies is he?

"But I have told him no more crossing the line with deleting messages and the like.. which he has gone ahead and done anyway. And is now fucked off that I have had it"

WTF???
What do you even mean?
You told him no more...
You say you've had it...

Does any of this mean anything to you? Seriously?

@flowerarranger I think she means that she had set that down previously as a rule which he has now in this instance ignored and deleted texts, so now she is going to leave him (I hope!) and she feels he's 'irritated' (seems an odd reaction) by her stance.