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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He didn't mean it when he proposed.

118 replies

Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 14:50

I've been 'engaged' for 3 years 2 kids later a house so a lot has been going on after but he's never talked about actually getting married or setting a date.

I don't want a big wedding but I want the same name as my kids and to have the legal protection that I don't have right now.
I thought because we had children close together that that was why but he confessed that he didn't think we would have to actually get married anytime soon and the whole thing stresses him out whilst I go through this cycle of being happy then really insecure that I've put myself in this situation and if things ever went wrong one day I'd have no where or any money to do anything. Scares me I was stupid I trusted him and there's always something happening which makes me look selfish for wanting to get married.

He said I was sad at the time and that's why he proposed and that he wants to spend rest of his life with me but I can't even talk about setting a date in year or so time. He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 13/03/2020 14:59

Add your surname to the kids names.

You need to decide if being married is more important than being with someone who doesn't want marry you.

The security of marriage is important to me, so I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't want marriage.

awakewiththebirds · 13/03/2020 15:01

I second everything that @PositiveVibez said

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 13/03/2020 15:02

He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up

So book a date with the registry office and put it in the diary. Get the legal bit done, get your name changed, get yourself protected and then continue as you are.

SunshineCake · 13/03/2020 15:03

He's not the only bloke in the world. Tell him if he is such a shit as to not understand the legal protections you need, you will leave if he won't protect you and his children and mean it.

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2020 15:03

Yeah add your surname to the kids names
Decide if you want to be with him if he never wants to marry you

Splitsunrise · 13/03/2020 15:03

Are you financially insecure without being married? What’s the financial situation?

Claire926 · 13/03/2020 15:04

I don't see the point in forcing him in marriage if he does not want to get married as it will end in divorce years later. I don't know why he lied to make you feel 'happy' when finding out the truth actually makes you angry.

Original poster
Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 15:05

I need the security of marriage I wouldn't of had kids with him if I didn't think we were getting married. House in his name I look after the kids. He works I stay at home and I'm happy doing that but not without security. He doesn't get how important this is.

I feel taking the ring off or changing names will just look spiteful

OP posts:
Tootletum · 13/03/2020 15:06

Book the registry office. Let his parents and your parents know. Tell him that you've arranged a family mealGrin

AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea · 13/03/2020 15:08

Does he not want to marry you or not want to have a marriage? If it's the former then you both want different things and he's a liar but it seems more that it's the second given that he's said that you can arrange it. If being married is the important bit arrange a ceremony for just you two, grab two witnesses off the street and go do it or maybe just ask a couple of close family or friends to do it in a lunch time and then go back about your business! A wedding is only as much of a do as you make it and if it's the marriage that you want then just get it done any way that will allow you both to be content.

Techway · 13/03/2020 15:10

Sadly this is an age old trick he has pulled, it used to be called a Breach of Promise, as it recognised womens vulnerability. You only have 3 choices

  1. Accept it, but get yourself into a less vulnerable position by working and your name on the house and a Will.
  1. Force him to marry you by booking a registry office date.
  1. Say you will leave unless he changes his mind.

I really wouldn't listen to him saying you will be together forever as his lack of commitment is not a good sign. What is the housing situation?

BruceAndNosh · 13/03/2020 15:10

Does he not want to BE married or is it GETTING married that is the problem?
Big difference between a marriage and a wedding. People concentrate far too much on The Wedding when it's the marriage that is important.
How would you feel about a basic Just Do the Legal Stuff Registry office do?
What would he say to that suggestion?

user14366425683113 · 13/03/2020 15:12

Wait, so you're a lodger in his house and the kids have his name not yours? Sad

Original poster
Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 15:12

I'm scared if I actually book it I'll find out he doesn't really want to and to be honest I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to but I have to think of my children. Its really hard I don't have family or any savings.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/03/2020 15:12

You need to cut your losses now. Tell him that unless you get married within the year, you will go.

Original poster
Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 15:14

He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends. I can't leave him

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/03/2020 15:14

He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

Do that. In you precarious position, I would arrange everything for a basic registry office wedding. Decide whether you really want to stay with him when you are financially safe.

Original poster
Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 15:15

I have no where to go. I gave up my council house. I know I'm an idiot

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/03/2020 15:15

He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends. I can't leave him

The abusive ones always say that.

They either don't bother, or lose their court case.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 15:16

You need to get back to work. You’ve put yourself in a terrible position. You do not work, have no home of your own, no savings, are unmarried and have two kids.

Don’t sit and wait for marriage like it’s some form of magic spell that will make everything ok.

You need to go back to work, earn money, be financially responsible, Pay into a pension etc. Child care costs you both split.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2020 15:17

What techway wrote. I sincerely hope he is not of the mindset that you are good enough to live with but not to marry.

Will a visit to a Solicitor focus his mind on just how important marriage is legally not just to you but to his children as well.

You've written that the house too is in his name so I infer from this you are not named on his mortgage. I do not have to further tell you either that your legal position here is not good; I think you know that already. I sincerely hope that he does not die soon because if he did you would be really up shit creek financially speaking (as well as dealing with your own emotional grief) without a paddle.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 13/03/2020 15:17

Why do you believe that?
Come on. You know you've been silly until now so give your head a shake and smarten up.

He won't have the kids because you have been their main parent.
He works full time. You are unemployed. Which you need to change ASAP.

Time to start playing smart.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2020 15:18

He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends

That’s not his decision to make. It’s total bullshit, you will share custody at most and if you can’t agree a fair split then the court will decide for you. You won’t be only seeing your kids at weekend unless that’s what you choose.

Claire926 · 13/03/2020 15:20

I would get your name on a housing register as soon as you can. At least you will be on a waiting list and you can just cancel if you need to.

SunshineCake · 13/03/2020 15:22

Nth is man is horrible. He insults you by proposing when he didn't mean it. He's not man enough to explain. He's now controlling you by saying you'll lose the kids. He is an idiot and not worthy of you.