He didn't mean it when he proposed.

[Needadviceplz]

I've been 'engaged' for 3 years 2 kids later a house so a lot has been going on after but he's never talked about actually getting married or setting a date.

I don't want a big wedding but I want the same name as my kids and to have the legal protection that I don't have right now.
I thought because we had children close together that that was why but he confessed that he didn't think we would have to actually get married anytime soon and the whole thing stresses him out whilst I go through this cycle of being happy then really insecure that I've put myself in this situation and if things ever went wrong one day I'd have no where or any money to do anything. Scares me I was stupid I trusted him and there's always something happening which makes me look selfish for wanting to get married.

He said I was sad at the time and that's why he proposed and that he wants to spend rest of his life with me but I can't even talk about setting a date in year or so time. He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

Why not just book a registry office wedding for the legal paperwork. Just you two and two witnesses. Then you'll know if he'll do it or not. If he goes ahead then you're fine, if not at least you know.

Anyone who says they don't want to get married, don't agree with it, don't want the big fuss etc... luckily there is now a low-key option called Civil Partnership which provides many of, possibly all of the protections of marriage (check). Any man who then goes on to refuse a Civil Partnership is very clearly showing all sorts of red flags, because if you've kids together there is no reason to refuse the CP except for bad reasons.

I'd marry or CP this idiot, then reassess... and then possibly divorce him. With joint children, even with a short marriage you'd still be in a better position in court than you are now, by far.

''He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends. I can't leave him''

Ha!

Leave. Leave the kids with him. He will be begging you to marry him.

If he doesn't care about how much money you spend, open a secret bank account - online only, no paperwork coming to the house - and start to gradually build up savings, even if it's only £20 a week.

Does the idea of a big wedding stress him out? Tell him it's not what you want. Suggest a simple registry office do with both sets of parents/a few friends. No cake, no party, no special outfits. If security is what you need - and if you want to stay it is what you need - just get the wedding done, fast and cheap.

But if you want to leave him, there's no way you would only get weekend access to your dc's. You are the primary carer. Courts care about dc's having consistency (no matter how little some of their fathers care). And babies won't be expect to leave you for overnight access anyway. Only if you agreed to it.

If the house is in his name and you aren't in work, you are making yourself incredibly vulnerable. If he doesn't understand this I would really question what sort of man he is.

If he doesn't want to marry you what does that say about how much he values you?

Make a start and get him to put the house in joint names, as soon as possible. Make a will. Make sure everything is left to you in event of his death. Also make sure he has life insurance with you as a beneficiary.

I wouldn't force him to marry you, but you need to read him the riot act about your security.
He doesn't't sound like he really prioritises you or loves you to be honest.

Leave. Leave the kids with him.

I expect this is a joke - but if you did leave the dc's with him, he becomes the default primary carer. Don't do that.

No, it is not a joke.

It is the one thing all women in this situation will not do and it is the one thing that will solve the problem very quickly.

I should have done it. Instead I ended up with 100% of the responsibility, 0% of the assets. Because i bought in to his bullshit that he would win residency etc.. Such a load of shit. He wouldn't even change a nappy. These types are all the same.

You can apply in the area you currently live on the basis that you are leaving an abusive relationship. You will need support from a domestic abuse service to do this. You'll probably be placed in emergency or temporary accommodation.
You must leave him though. He's controlling your life and you have to take it back.

Could you both sit down and just talk about where you'd like to see yourselves in the next five, ten years?

As PP's have said, weddings don't have to be a big, stressful events. You could arrange a small do with a few family members/ friends (or just witnesses) and it wouldn't be a big deal.

Re. Long-term planning. Explain to him that you do need to think about career options and how you can financially contribute to the family (when the children are older if that works best). Planning now and getting some qualifications would be a good route.

I don't know whether he's controlling or overwhelmed and burying his head in the sand . You both sound a bit overwhelmed, tbh, which isn't uncommon when you have v. young children. Keep things simple and see whether you can find a way through together. If he won't listen, you'll need to make plans without him.

I agree with those who advise you to book a basic register-office wedding. No need for guests, just your two adult witnesses. While you are unmarried, you are in a very weak position.

Also good advice about doing online learning, and starting to save money in an account of your own. But if you're doing online banking, make sure he can't find out by tracing your history.

He's lying when he says you'd only see the children at weekends if you left him. You are their primary carer and there's no way he would get them. But I think you're still safer married.

Well this is the perfect opportunity to get an education. Maybe a school assistant, something that allows you to have the same schedule of your kids. Learn to drive. Get a low paid job little money is better than no money at all. If you don't do it know when?
Get yourself sorted by educating yourself and work. That's going to get your confidence up.

Yes, do the registry office. If he won't then you know and can plan accordingly.

I wonder if you can sue him for breach of (verbal) contract?

For everyone saying to book the registry office- are y'all nuts?

Force a jerk into marriage? Like, why?

Bonkers

Sue him for breach of contract?! Are you kidding?

MrsGrindah yes I was mostly

Thank God! Thought you’d suggest logging it with 101 next....

Call me dense, but why are so many insisting "get married", "put the house in both names", "make wills" or anything else, when they're all clearly impossible unless he agrees?
Further, where's the motivation for him to agree when he's already lied about the "proposal", has exactly what he wants without any ties, and probably realises very well what any of these suggestions could cost him?

There's no harm in asking of course, but surely the only realistic course is for OP to learn from what's happened and look to her own future rather than hoping for something which may never happen?

Why does he think you'll only see the children at the weekend if you break up?

I'd really think twice about marrying this man. Although the upside is greater security, the downside is it's harder to leave and he may feel he has even more control over you. And he's very controlling already.

Please get some advice before you do anything. Legal, and relationship, from Women's Aid.

After hearing what an abusive prick he is, people are STILL suggesting she marry him. Why?
If OP feels she can't leave him now (and she can) what do you thing marriage is going to do other than ensure she never does?
Not the example you want to set for children, surely?

“He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends

That’s not his decision to make. It’s total bullshit, you will share custody at most and if you can’t agree a fair split then the court will decide for you. You won’t be only seeing your kids at weekend unless that’s what you choose.”

This.

Don’t believe what this man tells you about matters like who will have the children. He’s wrong. You’re their primary carer so the starting point is that they will stay with you. He’s trying to scare you into submission which is a bad sign. He’s told you to book the wedding - as others have said: you could just have a small register office do - it will cost hardly anything. It would mean you don’t get your big day but that’s not the priority now that there are children in the mix.

You may decide you can live with this. You may not. Just to be clear, though - you mustn’t leave without the children - it would make it easier for him to argue abandonment - if you decide to leave him over this, you must take your children with you.

Right list time. Write a list of what you'd like to achieve like learning to drive. Doing the freedom program. What job you'd like to do. Learning to touch type. Skill up, little by little.

Use this time while the baby is small to make yourself more employable. If you choose to stay aim to be properly ready to leave by the time baby 2 is 3yo.

I think the first thing to do is call Womens Aid as this is an abusive relationship.
They will have information and support you need.
Getting a job right at this minute is unrealistic but that can come in time once your self esteem has been built up and you are away from him. There is support out there, you're not alone.
You and your kids are the most important, not him and not marriage. Cos then you will be trapped in an abusive marriage which will add more stress.
One thing at a time, small steps and it will get better.

I’m still saying marriage (or better civil partnership) because if she leaves now she leaves with nothing. I know it’s unbelievably practical but better to leave in 6months with assets and a plan.