He didn't mean it when he proposed.

[Needadviceplz]

I've been 'engaged' for 3 years 2 kids later a house so a lot has been going on after but he's never talked about actually getting married or setting a date.

I don't want a big wedding but I want the same name as my kids and to have the legal protection that I don't have right now.
I thought because we had children close together that that was why but he confessed that he didn't think we would have to actually get married anytime soon and the whole thing stresses him out whilst I go through this cycle of being happy then really insecure that I've put myself in this situation and if things ever went wrong one day I'd have no where or any money to do anything. Scares me I was stupid I trusted him and there's always something happening which makes me look selfish for wanting to get married.

He said I was sad at the time and that's why he proposed and that he wants to spend rest of his life with me but I can't even talk about setting a date in year or so time. He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

"He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends. I can't leave him"

He is not the boss of you and that is not up to him either to decide. Abusive men say that and after all you are these children's primary carer. Indeed he has said that to you as an attempt to exert even more power and control in this relationship.

You can absolutely leave him, you are the boss of you after all. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this the model you want to be showing them, you need to value yourself a lot more here and love your own self for a change.

He is not the boss of you but you have indeed handed over way too much power and control here to him at great cost emotionally and financially to your own self. You have indeed been extremely foolish here and you know that as well.

Go quiet on the subject for a bit and in the meantime book the registry office and a pub lunch, get your docs together to give notice then tell him.

I'm sorry this wouldn't be the romantic wedding you had in mind but protecting yourself needs to be a first priority.

If you're not sure you want to marry him, start looking for a job and gain some financial independence.

I'm surprised your DP is happy for you to have no safety net whilst accruing for himself, very selfish and unfair. Please stand up for yourself or you could really regret it

Tell him he'd be the one not seeing the kids as you are the primary carer.

But yeah, book the registry office. Best to know really. And I say this as someone who has lived with a partner for nearly 30 years. We got engaged a couple of years ago but honestly cant be bothered getting married. Coronavirus has made us think about a lunchtime registry office job.

Personally I’d force his hand by getting a list available dates from the registry office and making him chose one.
If he refuses seek legal advice about your position.
FWIW I wasn’t engaged to my (now) DH when we had DD and we both decided I’d stay at home. The house is/was his and I realised I was vulnerable.
We’d both said no to marriage as we had both been married before. I told him I’d changed my mind, booked the registry office and had a meal after with our parents before my DD had even turned 1.
Good luck OP.

Have you ever considered what your financial position would be if he dropped dead? Who would get his house, for example, his pension/death in service (if appropriate), bereavement payments.........etc?

You can’t just book it and tell him on the day- he’ll need to provide documents and speak to a registrar a few weeks beforehand.

I agree, get yourself back to work and get the children’s names sorted. It doesn’t have to be spiteful, just calmly day that you’re doing it because of recent conversations about marriage. Until the very recent past, the children of ‘unmarried mothers’ were given the mother’s surname anyway.

Book the registry office, go in normal clothes, invite all your relatives and tell him when it's done. 9.99% of all men don't want to look like a dick in front of all their relatives.

Although there is no way I'd marry someone so selfish.

Ive told him that because we aren't married me and the kids are not even untitled to the bereavement benefit.

No will done he said he would get something in writing when he bought the house but never did.

I tell him I'm a lodger and how horrible that feels. He said I can't work til they are in school. I also have only a few gcses and worked low pay jobs with now a big space of nothing I don't even know where to start. I don't drive I'm literally stuck.

He said if we broke up I would only see the kids on weekends. I can't leave him

Would you really want to marry a man that threatens you with your own children? Time to get advice on getting back to work OP and then get the hell away from him. He is wasting your time and best years for employment and future financial building. He has had enough time don't let him steal your future too.

Unmarried SAHM living in her partner's house, name not on mortgage/tenancy. I think you know what a vulnerable position you're in
He sounds controlling so I think you should cut your losses and leave.
If he was a good partner apart from dragging his feet about marriage you could have just booked the registry office and done it, but I think it would be a mistake in this case.

His comment about you only seeing the kids on weekends proves there's more going on here. That's a textbook abuser's comment. You are their primary carer. It would take an awful lot for a court to decide to award him custody over you.

He doesn't want to marry you. He owns the house. He says he'll get primary custody of the DCs if you leave.You have two choices:

Book the registry office. Tell his parents and your's. Then tell him. At this stage, it doesn't matter how 'keen' or enthusiastic he is. It just matters that he turns up and marries you so you have all the legal protections that entails.

Other choice, is to put yourself in a much stable position by getting a job and leaving him. Change the DCs' names once you are away.

Married or not. You are in a financial vulnerable position. This is where my priority would lie tbh. Getting a job.

If you split up, you won’t have any income and the divorce process can be a lengthy one, and unless he’s mega rich for spousal maintenance, it wouldn’t help. Plus even this can come with a limit set by the judge. Ok the benefit system would help, but there’s a delay, and he might not have the funds to provide for 2 households

The house situation. Even marriage isn’t a 100% guarantee that you would be able to live there indefinitely, as it might need to be sold.

I do wish more people would realise that yea marriage does offer protection in terms of assets. But you don’t split today and get divorced and financial agreement tomorrow. Ok you might get the house in 18 months time. But until then? Even claiming maintenance if you have to go down that route takes time.

Why would you even want to marry him? He's controlling you. Get out as soon as you can and start working towards establishing a new life for you and your children. Have you any family you could stay with?

What's he like in other respects towards you? Is he generous financially, do you do things as a couple, are you sexually on the same page, etc?

He can't tell you that you can't go back to work.

How old are the DC?

what chuckle said - he's effectively threatening you with your own children! he's meant to love you and he says that to browbeat you into shutting up? and what is this you cant work until the children are older?? he wants you utterly dependent on him but with no legal protection, well sod that! i would not want to marry him but im not the one who has kids with him

I would book a date at the registry office - if its more about the drama of a wedding rather than being married, he should be fine with a few minutes down the registry office to do the legal formalities

but OP I think its really that he doesnt want to be married and Im sorry to say that

You need to give yourself some time to think and you need to get some proper advice

Women's Aid: 0808 200 247

Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He sounds more and more controlling the more detail you provide, but there are people who can help and support you and ways that in time you can start to get some control over your own life back.

It's not a great situation but you're not as trapped as you feel.

OK OP plan time then, you can't drive, are probably mainly home bound with young DC, not much employment history and not many qualifications so my best advice for you is to look into doing a payroll course online, your can gain a starter qualification very quickly and get into employment that way.

If you need to fund it sell the engagement ring, it will be a better investment than marrying this man. Is there any back to work funding in your area for sahm? It is time for action, sitting here and listing all the things you cannot do will not change anything.Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to consider the future not just for you but for your DC, there is nothing to stop him from turfing all of you out of the home without a thought.

The OP's DC are tiny. Younger than 3 yrs old if I read properly.

He doesn't NEED to get married OP, so why would he want to.

You are financially vulnerable but you don't need to feel trapped. The fact that you only got a few GCSEs doesn't mean that you have no chance of a decent career. In a few posts you have managed to put across your position clearly.

Firstly, why would you only see them on weekends? That’s not how it works. You know this. Come on. You’re a SAHM. You’re primary carer. Where are they going to be for the rest of the week then? He’s talking crap. You need to get your position sorted. He’s told you you can’t work until they start school? That’s not his decision. Find a job and tell him he’s paying the childcare. That or he books the wedding. Is the house owned or rented and do you have access to the bank account?

Both under 2 my last isn't even 3 months old yet. I agree I need to work do up a recent cv and maybe start saving.

He put me on his bank account so he doesn't mind me spending his money he doesn't control things like that.

He let me pick and design everything in the house but these things are important I thought I had some control but now see I really don't.

My last birth wasn't great had to be rushed back to hospital for emergency surgery and I remember him giving me the silent treatment because I shouted at him because he didn't believe me that I was in so much pain and needed help. when I was so scared and I think deep down I know this isn't right.

He does a lot for me and if we were to have an argument he would start cleaning everything to prove how easy it is but with two young kids I can't always get around to everything. I need to leave or have some sort of plan.

A loving relationship doesn't look like this does it.

Aren't *

He does understand how important it is, that's why he does not want to get married. Look at it from his point of view - what he does he gain from being married? He only has things to lose.

He wants a woman at home, making his life easier and providing some happiness, and he wants children. He already has those. If he marries you he loses full possession of his home, his money will also effectively become yours (maybe even much more depending on your circumstances - his business? expensive possessions?).

It also would lock him into a relationship that would be hard to get out of. Maybe he will never want to get out of it? But he's playing it safe.

So basically he's looking out for himself and does not really care about how you feel. He's projecting his selfishness on to you, to make you feel as if you are the one being selfish.

You need to decide whether you accept this situation and want to stay with him or not. If you decide to stay, I would get training and get a job to protect yourself. Also consider building up your own savings. I bet he won't like you finding new independence from him, because he wants to be I control of everything. But that's tough.

With a 3 month old it's unrealistic to find a job.
If I were you I would prioritise applying for social housing - get on the list even if there's a wait - and then gather your mental strength and make practical plans to leave. You will be able to claim Universal Credit and child maintenance. You won't have a lot but it will be worth it to be free of him. Once you're a bit more settled and baby is a bit older you can start worrying about a job.

You could tell that if the OP got a job, the charmer she lives with would say that the childcare is hers to pay.

What an absolute bellend you’re with.