He didn't mean it when he proposed.

[Needadviceplz]

I've been 'engaged' for 3 years 2 kids later a house so a lot has been going on after but he's never talked about actually getting married or setting a date.

I don't want a big wedding but I want the same name as my kids and to have the legal protection that I don't have right now.
I thought because we had children close together that that was why but he confessed that he didn't think we would have to actually get married anytime soon and the whole thing stresses him out whilst I go through this cycle of being happy then really insecure that I've put myself in this situation and if things ever went wrong one day I'd have no where or any money to do anything. Scares me I was stupid I trusted him and there's always something happening which makes me look selfish for wanting to get married.

He said I was sad at the time and that's why he proposed and that he wants to spend rest of his life with me but I can't even talk about setting a date in year or so time. He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

I dont think this relationship is right OP. He's threatened you with not seeing your kids if you break up? He wouldnt listen to you when you were in terrible pain, and then played the victim when you raised your voice in desperation. He has said you can't work? He criticises the amount of housework you do? It sounds like he said he wanted marriage to trick you into kids, and then forced you to stop work and is doing his best to keep you in a vulnerable position, refusing marriage, not making a will, not putting you on the deeds, taking your confidence etc etc. Its difficult with a 3 month old child though. Longer term do you think you could retrain? Is there anyone else you can speak to - family or citizens advice?

Can't believe people are still advising marrying into more abuse.
Awful advice. It could prob increase and it will be harder to escape.
Assets? What assets? The house? If she contacts womens aid and says she needs to escape abuse, they will advise on housing issues. Her safety is much more important. Her kids are much more important

^indeed

Women's aid can advise, but they cannot house. Council assets are very stretched and private rental is a difficult proposition for the single mother.

A solicitor will tell her that she is entitled to nothing but stat min child maintenance as an unmarried partner. She walks away without any of the family assets.

A nasty piece will be a nasty piece whether you leave as his partner or his wife. Leave as his wife, though, and you may get the house, pension assets and/other financial settlement. That's what's at stake here - and that does matter. The OP and her ability to house and provide for her children matters.

He will be abusive whether she marries him or not. She only gets a settlement and access to what are morally her own family assets if she's married.

Oh my god, and what if the abuse gets worse????
Women's aid can't house no but speaking got them is a start.
This is domestic abuse/violence. It is crazy to suggest she stays 1 minute longer or even marries him.
She can start over. It wi be damn hard but so is her life now.
Money is nothing compared to safety.

If you have evidence of domestic abuse you can apply to the council as homeless and will be housed, they have a legal duty to house applicants who meet certain criteria.

@Haworthia
Exactly. The whole 'marriage talk ' is control.

I think mumsnetters frequently overestimate by a long way what kind of provision there is for women in abusive relationships. Women being violently attacked are not always able to get refuge places. If you do get a refuge place it’s time limited, far from family and overcrowded. Then housing is usually in temporary in a hostel. Sometimes these hostels have rules about needing to be there every night (so not able to visit family) and being out of the hostel during the day. Long term council housing is a possibility but by no means guaranteed as there is a real shortage.

It’s absolutely the right thing for women in many circumstances. I never would want to put someone off going to a refuge if they need to. It could save your life. No material thing is ever worth your life or health. But ringing women’s aid is not a panacea for all abusive relationships. Sometimes women have to play smart. Playing smart would be ensuring she gets legal rights to the house before leaving.

I wouldnt think of marrying him he sounds controlling. As others have said i’d squirrel away some money (after all you are looking after his children allowing him to work to earn it). Then when baby is old enough get a job asap. Older child will hopefully go to nursery. Then plan to leave if things no better. Good luck

I have no where to go. I gave up my council house. I know I'm an idiot

Unless you have a time machine, there's no sense worrying about what you did. Yes, it was stupid but it was based on what you believed then.

Now, do everything you can to help yourself. Save money, update your resume, see what he will do about the house and names, do some night classes to become more employable. Whatever you can do to get your life back.

A further thought - check out your legal rights. There is such thing as ‘ home rights’ given you have children with him meaning he cant force you out just because its his house. Try and see citizens advice or get a free solicitor consultation if you can

It's not a magic wand, but it's a start.
Getting advice is a start.
This is not a 'normal ' dynamics of a relationship. Marrying him is only go On got make it worse. The only playing smart is to get away from him.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You are in an extremely vulnerable position. When you do the shopping you can get cash back at the till which doesn't show up separately on the bank statement. Start by putting some cash away each week so you have something to fall back on if you have to leave. Try and get enough for a deposit and a couple of months rent put to one side where he has no access to it. You need to have a fallback fund because as things stand right now he could throw you out at any time and you would have nothing.

I was under the impression that home rights however, apply to only spouses and civil partners (not cohabitants) and on a property that has been the matrimonial or civil partnership home.

A further thought - check out your legal rights. There is such thing as ‘ home rights’ given you have children with him meaning he cant force you out just because its his house.

If OP is in Britain, this is not accurate.

It is possible sometimes for an unmarried partner to make a claim under TOLATA provisions, but it's complex, usually expensive and the onus would be on OP to prove her case. It's simply not true to say you can't be forced out of a home when you have children with someone.

A further thought - check out your legal rights. There is such thing as ‘ home rights’ given you have children with him meaning he cant force you out just because its his house

If this was the case then people wouldn’t need to get married for the added protection.

And why are people suggesting the op stays in an abusive relationship? What is wrong you? Or what she marries him, and takes him for everything he’s got? Pathetic.

You should be ashamed of yourselfs. She will be still at risk. Once he realises what she’s planning you think he’s going to laugh and say no problem I deserve it. Of course not. Things will escalate.

Yes she can call for help. But not like she can click her fingers and help is there.

And since when in a civilised society has a forced marriage been endorsed?

What the op can do now is look at getting away and working on herself. No one else is going to change you, other than you. Just like she cannot change him.

It’s not easy. I left school with few GCSE’s, had children when I was a teen. Abusive relationship, mental health, various disorders, single parent etc. I’m your potential future. I didn’t even think about payroll or hr courses, I went through OU and got a degree. Worked crappy jobs. I have no family around so that was an issue. I found solutions.

It was hard. Omfg homelessness is a joke. Spent months in a homeless place. Me and 3 kids 5 and under in a room. Shared kitchen and bathroom that weren’t usable. It nearly broke me. It’s not been an easy ride I’m not going to lie. Not just that first year but beyond.

I’m now free, independent and extremely happy on the other side. Apart from sex I have no need for a partner, so I have no need for a partner 🤣 I’m self employed now, and I’m very successful at it.

I do look back and wonder why I stayed so long. But in a way I’m glad I did, because it made me realise that all I need is me. If someone wants to tag along for a “ride” fine.