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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He didn't mean it when he proposed.

118 replies

Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 14:50

I've been 'engaged' for 3 years 2 kids later a house so a lot has been going on after but he's never talked about actually getting married or setting a date.

I don't want a big wedding but I want the same name as my kids and to have the legal protection that I don't have right now.
I thought because we had children close together that that was why but he confessed that he didn't think we would have to actually get married anytime soon and the whole thing stresses him out whilst I go through this cycle of being happy then really insecure that I've put myself in this situation and if things ever went wrong one day I'd have no where or any money to do anything. Scares me I was stupid I trusted him and there's always something happening which makes me look selfish for wanting to get married.

He said I was sad at the time and that's why he proposed and that he wants to spend rest of his life with me but I can't even talk about setting a date in year or so time. He says stuff like fine you arrange it and I'll turn up or can't you see I've got enough on.

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
Modestandatinybitsexy · 13/03/2020 16:04

I agree about training yourself up. CIMA (accounts) or a HR CIPD (Human Resources) would get you into a good entry level job. Some places just need you to be willing to train and they'll fund the course.

As for marrying him or not... if you're going to stay with him I'd take him at his word and book a registry office, say you're going for dinner and stop to get married on the way. Then you have all the security you need and if he doesn't improve you'll have the legal system behind you when it comes to splitting assets in the future.

flowerflies · 13/03/2020 16:08

I wouldn't even want to marry him - each update shows him to be less and less appealing!

user14366425683113 · 13/03/2020 16:09

A loving relationship doesn't look like this does it.

No, it doesn't.

Original poster
Needadviceplz · 13/03/2020 16:12

With housing can I really get back on the register when I've moved far away and have somewhere to live? Do I have to go back to that area?

OP posts:
AnneTwackie · 13/03/2020 16:13

He says you can only see your children at weekends if you leave.
He says you can’t work.
He wouldn’t get you help when you were in pain then gave you silent treatment.
He shows you how easy it is to clean- suggesting he’s telling you you’re not pulling your weight.
If your best friend, sister or daughter told you this was happening, what would your advice be? Take that advice yourself. If you were you my friend I would beg you please to get help. Someone has posted about the freedom programme above, start there.

AnneTwackie · 13/03/2020 16:17

Also I don’t think you’ve been foolish as atilla said. Having two kids in quick succession is bloody hard work and you’ve no time to analyse how your relationship has changed, you should have been able to trust him, this is not your fault.

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/03/2020 16:21

OP I keep reading about men saying they will go for custody if the woman leaves . In reality a huge % of men drop regular contact with their DC within 2 years of separation .
As others have said , he is being controlling. You really need to get ready to work if you stay with him or apply for UC if you leave.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/03/2020 16:23

OP, is there anyone you can tell about all this, and ask them to help you? If not family, then a friend? There may well be someone who sees what he does and is worried about you, but who doesn't want to risk losing you by telling you outright that you should leave.

Claire926 · 13/03/2020 16:27

@Needadviceplz With housing can I really get back on the register when I've moved far away and have somewhere to live? Do I have to go back to that area?

No, you can register if you are in a different area as long as you have a local connection e.g. the children's school or family/support network. If you have mental health issues they will consider this. In the application put that you are splitting with your partner. Apply to councils or housing associations and make sure their waiting lists are open. Go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau for further advice.

DianaT1969 · 13/03/2020 16:36

Is there a job you'd like to do OP, that you could do online training for now? Get a vocational qualification in something while the DC are young. Get on the housing list wherever you have family/friends/support. Your exit plan will be in place once they can go to nursery. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. You'll have no career, no home of your own and no pension. He doesn't care about your future.

Tistheseason17 · 13/03/2020 16:44

Op, please start taking cash from the JOINT account and put aside for an escape fund which I think you will need at some point. Just £20-30 here and there - take as cashback for small purchases so it shows as spent in a supermarket. And don't feel bad about this - you are the childcare provider and homermaker in this relationship. Control comes i different guises and you need to be prepared. Great advice above about online learning.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2020 16:53

I gave up my council house ... house in his name I look after the kids ... no will done

Oh dear Hmm

Whatever happens here, he'll be responsible for the DCs - though good luck getting him to pay - but unfortunately not for you. Even in the unlikely event you get him to the register office marriage wouldn't entitle you to much in its early days, and of course there's no guarantee he won't simply choose to leave at any point

He'll know all this of course, so as Bluntness correctly said the only sensible thing is to get good advice and above all to get yourself back into work as soon as you can

JudyCoolibar · 13/03/2020 16:55

What's stressing him, the fact of being married, or the hassle involved? Obviously if it's the latter that's easily remedied by having a very minimal wedding. If it's the former, much more difficult.

NotSorry · 13/03/2020 16:57

Hey OP sorry to hear this.

Exactly the same happened to me except I didn’t have the two kids already. He proposed, I said yes, we started living together and a couple of years later I said let’s set a date then.

He then said “oh I didn’t mean get married, I meant live together”

I then gave him an ultimatum. We get married or I am off. The thing is I was prepared to walk away, we weren’t so far down the line financially etc., so I would have done it.

His sister-in-law talked sense into him and he came home and we set a date. We are married, have 4 children and are still together 30 years later. In my DHs case I think he was scared because he’d been married before and was worried it would go wrong again. In my case I wasn’t going forward with a relationship without marriage and was prepared to cut my losses.

If you do issue an ultimatum, be prepared that he may choose the one you don’t want - ie. walk away

GinAndNightnurse · 13/03/2020 16:59

I don't know what to do I stopped wanting to be intimate with him now because the whole past few years have been based on a lie and I just feel like everyone must think I'm such a fool I'm actually ashamed of myself.

Well that's ridiculous. If marriage was really so important to you then you should ABSOLUTELY have insisted on it before having children with him.

Tell him you are happy with just going down to the registry office with two witnesses. No fuss. It's the security and commitment of marriage that's important to you, not a wedding. Then you'll know whether it's marriage he's frightened of, or just a wedding.

AnotherEmma · 13/03/2020 17:08

"With housing can I really get back on the register when I've moved far away and have somewhere to live? Do I have to go back to that area?"

You can apply for social housing in areas where you have a local connection - the rules vary slightly by area but as a general rule you need to live there or have immediate family living there for a certain length of time. (Also if you're work there but you don't work atm.) You can be exempt from local connection rules if you're fleeing domestic abuse but you need evidence of the abuse for that - so even though he does sound abusive you would need to be willing to report it which you may not want or feel ready to do.

For now you have somewhere to live but you can apply on the basis of a relationship breakdown. The fact is that you don't have the legal right to stay so if he kicked you out you'd be legally homeless and entitled to assistance from the council.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 13/03/2020 17:20

I would go for a v v basic marriage or civil partnership quickly (like yesterday) then reassess the relationship once I was on a secure footing.

TiredMum10 · 13/03/2020 17:21

He has kids with you but doesnt see that as more than enough reason to marry you? This is the type of man who wouldnt think twice to leave you and screw you over. He should be ashamed of himself.

MrsGrindah · 13/03/2020 17:27

OP you sound very passive. No point going over the wrong decisions made in the past but you can take control of your children’s future . First thing is financial independence. Getting married gives you some security but to be honest this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will last the course. So start taking steps to stand on your own two feet. Get a job..any job you can. Find out about local housing etc. Take action instead of worrying about some fantasy marriage that isn’t going to happen.

Techway · 13/03/2020 17:29

He doesn't get how important this is

He completely knows how important marriage is!

Do you have older children? Did you move to live with him? Are you living rurally?

He will NOT get full residency. Think it through, if he works he will need to either stop working or pay for childcare. He is projecting, which is turning his fears onto you.

The fact that he doesn't want you to work suggests he really knows how difficult & expensive childcare is.

How old are you? No one is ever truly stuck, it just feels like it but with small steps you can change the situation.

SunshineCake · 13/03/2020 17:29

Of God I know who you are now. That cleaning comment told me. Marry the prick then leave him. Honestly.

UYScuti · 13/03/2020 17:30

humour him and make a plan (out of his sight) which puts your best interests first

VegetableMunge · 13/03/2020 17:34

What a massive arsehole.

notangelinajolie · 13/03/2020 17:53

He'll be relieved to know he doesn't have to marry you.
A Civil Partnership will do the trick.

Haworthia · 13/03/2020 17:56

I see red flags waving - he wants to scare you into accepting the status quo because if you leave, you won’t see your children seven days a week?

Also that guff about “if you organise everything, I’ll do it”. No he wouldn’t. I guarantee you that if you organised everything and simply told him he had to turn up at the register office on the day, he would kick off big time.

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