Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DH told me I’m not allowed to Emotionally dump on him any more.

107 replies

absopugginglutely · 05/03/2020 07:25

He spat this into my ear at 1am, “If our relationship is going to continue you have to stop “emotionally dumping on me about the people that bother you throughout your day for me to lick up like sewage”

I said I can’t be happy all the time, sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.
He called it emotional dumping and that he just tunes out because he can’t cope with it he wants me to talk to friends about things rather than him.

This all came on the back of an argument that we had been having about his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace. I was talking to him about how I now have a physical response when she’s nearby (heart palpitations) and asking him to text her and see if she could just send DSD round without coming round herself.

He just put the news on and completely ignored me and then I got cross because he won’t communicate with me about things he just gives me the silent treatment.

Later on he asked if I wanted a hug and I said so want us to communicate more and that when he came out with all the hateful bile about how from now on I’m not to speak to him about anything bad that’s happened to me in any of my interactions that day because he thinks it harms our relationship.

I cried and slept in the spare room
and don’t m is where to go from here. I feel confused. Who is right/ wrong should we just split up?

It would break my heart for DD to live in a single parent family.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 05/03/2020 07:35

I think it depends how much you are emotionally dumping on him.
It can go much too far so that you are doing it all the time everyday, I was guilty of doing that with my ex and quite honestly he didn't want to hear it.
Now people do it with me and sometimes I just don't want to hear it wither, life is hard enough without your partner constantly moaning about other people all the time.
I know people are irritating and do bother us during the day constantly but we can't just go on and on about it, I've learnt that.
I agree the silent treatment is ridiculous and that is my personal pet hate but I can't stand moaning minnies either.
Complaining about other people everyday drags you down and drags your partner down.
Its time to start thinking positively and getting the besy out of life instead of the worst.
You will feel better and everyone else will feel better.

ednatheevilwitch · 05/03/2020 07:35

He sounds vile. Sulking is emotional abuse. He doesn't sound like he wants to change and is happy to blame you for everything. Do his good qualities over come the bad ones or is he an abusive bully all the time. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells you are probably in an abusive relationship.

madcatladyforever · 05/03/2020 07:36

Also you are interfering in his relationship with his daughter and ex. I wouldn't even go there tbh it's a minefield.

JKScot4 · 05/03/2020 07:38

Why is his ex coming in your house every day? Keep the door locked and her on doorstep, he needs to support you and give the ex clear boundaries.

Dozer · 05/03/2020 07:42

Sounds like there are a lot of problems in your relationship.

Your H has some red flags for being emotionally abusive: sulking, minimising your reasonable concerns about his ex, threats to end the relationship, cruel words at 1am when you were in bed.

You can’t rely on someone like that to be your emotional support

On “emotional dumping” specifically, unless there are big problems, IMO it’s important to try to balance negative and lighter topics, and to have reciprocity. Dh would do this after getting a new job where he had some issues, spend 30-40 mins every evening detailing his work woes. And he didn’t return the favour! (I also work FT, had also moved jobs and was having some tricky times). I spoke to him about it as it was getting me down and felt unfair. He didn’t “see it” and initially got pissed off, but did adjust his behaviour thank goodness.

Mayhapitis · 05/03/2020 07:49

If you have a lot going on OP and need to vent and talk things through, would it be worth arranging some weekly therapy sessions where you can do this?

I can see it both ways. I want to know what's going on in my DPs life and want to be supportive, but at one point when he was having a hard time he was unloading on me so much that I started to feel very stressed by it, he felt better for getting it out, but I felt exhausted and drained from having to listen to his daily tirade.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/03/2020 07:49

Whether it's right or wrong, he's explained that he can't handle you offloading on him all the time.
So stop it. If you continue he's 'll tune out completely. You'll be taken more seriously about real problems that affect your relationship if you aren't continually moaning about the details of your day.

SonEtLumiere · 05/03/2020 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 07:54

I think this depends on the level of it. If you’re contstantly contacting him throughout the day, to tell him stuff that’s pissing you off, and it seems you are, I can see why he’d get to the stage of saying enough.

Are you contacting him when he’s at work to offload?

potter5 · 05/03/2020 07:57

Stop offloading onto him every day.

Stop his ex-wife coming into your house.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/03/2020 07:59

How long have you been together? Why does his ex come into your house nearly every day?

TorkTorkBam · 05/03/2020 08:00

You'd rather your daughter lived with parents who openly hate each other than you be a single parent, with him co-parenting? Why is that scenario better for her?

BaronessBomburst · 05/03/2020 08:03

Why do you have a physical response and heart palpitations every time his ex drops their daughter off?
It's all very intense and dramatic.
I actually wonder if he is such a bastard, or just at the end of his tether with you?

SoloMummy · 05/03/2020 08:05

Your post is quite dramatic and sounds excessive . If that's the tone of how you manage things, I can see that he may well have been pushed top far and that actually his reaction could be a way of trying to manage the situation if you're someone who goes over every last thing and it feels so draining.

You have quite an exteme response to the ex wife too. How come?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2020 08:06

I seem to recall replying to one of your posts some months back.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it so what is it?.

What you are describing here is a chaotic and dysfunctional household with undercurrents of emotional abuse (his silent treatment towards you is an example of that). How do you think your daughter feels seeing all this going on within her home?. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?.

And why is his ex wife coming into your home every day, who is letting her in for a start?

Salene · 05/03/2020 08:07

Some people can be extremely emotionally draining, sounds like he has had enough

What is the issue with regards to his ex.? Why do you care about her being around in back ground a lot.? They have children together and sounds like the co-parent, which is good for the kids if they get along.

I would maybe have a look at yourself and your behaviour, maybe go and talk things through with a close friend.

Techway · 05/03/2020 08:08

You might need to give more context as you could be in overdrive or he maybe someone who has no empathy. The stonewalling fits with him having no genuine empathy.

mathanxiety · 05/03/2020 08:10

A trouble shared is a trouble doubled...

Don't dump on him. It can be very depressing for the listener and unless you are asking for his advice and acting on it, it is a real downer.

I think the ex coming around is a separate matter and it's a pity it all got mixed up together.

I don't think your relationship is hopeless. You have just overloaded your DP with all the negatives in your life and he doesn't want to hear you gearing up for even one more session, regardless of how justified and despite the fact that your complaint about his ex has nothing to do with your work issues. He has rolled it all into the same category, probably labeled 'O.M.G. What's She whining About Now?'

So find some other outlet for the venting about work. Or stop venting altogether. You don't have the right to dump on him, and actually venting could be holding you back from better ways of coping such as trying to look at the glass half full or trying to find ways of making situations better. Sometimes when we get in the habit of venting we get to the point where we find ourselves stuck in a rut of negativity.

Try to relax when the ex next arrives. Don't contribute to any 'destroying of the peace' when she is there. Bite your tongue and be as pleasant as you can be for the sake of the DSD and your own child. Welcome the DSD warmly. Make no remarks after the ex leaves. Show your DP you can be pleasant and positive. In a couple of weeks, after leaving your DP dump-free in the interim, bring up the topic of the ex again if you still feel strongly. It is possible that this woman is trying to provoke you by intruding in your home - don't let her. Rise above it.

TraumaQ · 05/03/2020 08:10

Maybe you vent and dump on him too much - I've had friends who do that too much and as an empath I hated it because it took so much out of me. They also didn't reciprocate

However the rest of the post reads like he is a controlling bully.

Babybel90 · 05/03/2020 08:11

I think it’s not what he said it’s the way he said it that is a problem.

It can be draining if someone is constantly complaining about everything but he could’ve sat you down and gently explained that you were talking at him and he wants your conversations to be more positive.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 08:17

What he said is fine - do you dump on him too much?

The way he said it isn't fine.

Lllot5 · 05/03/2020 08:19

I guess it depends if you’re moaning at him all the time. It would get very irritating if it was constant.
I think his ex coming round every day is too much it’s your house too.
Might be worth tackling that, not at 1am though.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/03/2020 08:26

*This all came on the back of an argument that we had been having about his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace. I was talking to him about how I now have a physical response when she’s nearby (heart palpitations) and asking him to text her and see if she could just send DSD round without coming round herself.

He just put the news on and completely ignored me and then I got cross because he won’t communicate with me about things he just gives me the silent treatment*

Everyone seems to be missing this. He needs to stop her coming into your space. End of.

Aside from that, I think I know why she left him.

He's a piece of shit.

crochetmonkey74 · 05/03/2020 08:29

physical response like heart palpitations
lick it up like sewage

All TOO DRAMATIC

Calm it down a bit

Verily1 · 05/03/2020 08:31

You need to break up with him.

It’s better for your dd to be in a single parent family than be exposed to this.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5