DH told me I’m not allowed to Emotionally dump on him any more.

[absopugginglutely]

He spat this into my ear at 1am, “If our relationship is going to continue you have to stop “emotionally dumping on me about the people that bother you throughout your day for me to lick up like sewage”

I said I can’t be happy all the time, sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.
He called it emotional dumping and that he just tunes out because he can’t cope with it he wants me to talk to friends about things rather than him.

This all came on the back of an argument that we had been having about his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace. I was talking to him about how I now have a physical response when she’s nearby (heart palpitations) and asking him to text her and see if she could just send DSD round without coming round herself.

He just put the news on and completely ignored me and then I got cross because he won’t communicate with me about things he just gives me the silent treatment.

Later on he asked if I wanted a hug and I said so want us to communicate more and that when he came out with all the hateful bile about how from now on I’m not to speak to him about anything bad that’s happened to me in any of my interactions that day because he thinks it harms our relationship.

I cried and slept in the spare room
and don’t m is where to go from here. I feel confused. Who is right/ wrong should we just split up?

It would break my heart for DD to live in a single parent family.

I have this with my partner. As in, he has anxiety and no one to talk to about it, so he I end up being his therapist. I fucking hate it and I've started asking him not to talk to me about some of this stuff and asking him to speak to a professional.

If you're regularly complaining about other people, it can create a negative atmosphere at home.

But why is his ex coming around every day?

Also as a child from a single parent family, it's honestly not the worse thing in the world. What is worse is having parents who don't seem to love or respect each other

Stop moaning. Start taking charge of your own life by working out what you will accept from other people and what you won’t, and put that into action. In particular with respect to your DSD’s mother. Your DH hasn’t handled this well but neither have you.

My husband does this. It’s really annoying. I tune it out because I know it’s good for him to get it out but even then I find it really annoying. I also have to remember to say positive things to keep his self esteem up etc. It actually really detracts from what is usually a pleasant thing to do (I mean listening to your loved ones problems, telling them how much you admire them etc) by making it a chore. Obviously you expect to do a degree of emotional support in a relationship (particularly in times of crisis) but no one should be responsible for the day to day management of their partner’s feelings. It’s exhausting and frustrating (because adults should know how to manage normal day to day emotions themselves) and I’m not surprised that he feels resentful.

What he said was nasty and aggressive.

But I’ve had friends and family moan relentlessly about things at me and it’s exhausting and makes me want to get away from them. And I’m someone people go to for support in difficult times. Daily moans about so and so did this or shouldn’t do this or that are very draining. Sounds like he was full already and then you started about another situation close to his heart that pushed him into aggression.
I don’t think you should make his ex stand outside at all, it’s always best for separated parents to stay amicable and show that to their child.

It might help to talk about how you both communicate and listen in couples counselling?

He sounds horrible and having his ex in your house every day does sound excessive but...

I have a friend who just moans relentlessly about every aspect of her life, finding negativity in everything, and it's exhausting. If this is what you're doing your dh has my sympathies.

Maybe you vent too often and are becoming an emotional vampire? You shouldn't let your need to vent be at the expense of your partner's mental well-being. He is telling you your venting is too much for him to cope with. Listen to him.

It's understandable at times for you to need more support (such as if you are bereaved, diagnosed with serious illness) but look closely in case you are just spreading negativity.

Can you not go to counselling or therapy to increase your own resilience?

I wouldn't put up with his ex coming around daily though. Why does she need to do that?

His ex should not be coming into your house if you don't want her to do so. There is no need. Child rings doorbell, or has key to let herself in. It's YOUR house, not hers. she has no automatic right of entry: put a stop to it. Stand up for yourself.

I try not to be too negative with my DH, he tells me about his day, I tell him about mine, then we stop. I certainly wouldn't be going on to him at 1am, sorry if you weren't, but omg! 1am!!

How long does ex stay?

"I certainly wouldn't be going on to him at 1am, sorry if you weren't, but omg! 1am!!"

She did not do that, he did this at 1.00am.

It sounds like you have serious issues and he is struggling to cope with them TBH. Have you considered counselling for yourself? It is not normal to have a physical response at the thought of his child's mother. It is not normal for it to be a routine occurrence for people to annoy you to the point you need to vent about it. Nobody likes a whinger and living with one must be soul destroying.

Also, you said to him you want to communicate more. What you really mean is you want him to engage in your constant moaning and accept that you are always right. That is not communicating.

I have a few people in my life that seem to regard me as a bin for all their mental shit and it does get you down. You are left reeling from it I have had to speak to DP about it as he would come in dump at me whilst I was making dinner then be on his merry way for the evening light as a feather whilst I was left with all these negative feelings that weren't mine iyswim.

I don't know if i would chuck in the towel just yet but you both sound unhappy I agree with the idea of counselling both couples and individually so you can process your day without having to vent at him.

You sound like an emotional drain and he sounds nasty, but maybe he wouldn't be if you weren't dumping on him all the time.
Sounds like a hard work relationship.
The ex shouldn't be round so often, either.

I think it depends what you are offloading about. If it was just a reaction to you being unhappy about ex in your house then it seems like he’s using this to deflect and not do anything.
If you are constantly moaning and offloading then he may have a point.
Yanbu to not want his ex in your house everyday. She has no need to come in! I wouldn’t be going in my exs house especially if he had a new partner!

Without wanting to sound rude, you might be a bit too much for him when it comes to emotional dumping. Men don’t like drama the way women do. Are you one of those women who just goes on and on and on...? You get my drift. I have an acquaintance like this and I am trying to see her as little as possible because she can be fucking draining.

She said he offered her a hug i.e. to make up and she said they needed to communicate more and that's when he came out with this bile - so that must all have happened at 1am. Whether her saying the communication thing is going on at him is probably subjective, because he could take it as her re-opening the can of worms when he wanted to make up and go to sleep, whereas she could have seen it as part of the making up by discussing it more.

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to say she'd be better offloading to friends as often that is the best way as women (not all, obviously) can get more from talking things through at length with friends while men can get frustrated just talking it through as they think we want solutions when we just want to offload and then both parties get frustrated.

He doesn't sound nice, OP, and the relationship is clearly under pressure with the ex situation, but you're also not helping things with the venting and getting cross and crying etc. Something's got to give and no good can come from putting more pressure on each other's apparently drained resources. As others have said, you need to get some help outside of the two of you, talk to others, professionals if necessary, and take the heat out of the situation. Getting into a state where you have heart palpitations isn't good for anyone. Get some perspective and deal with one thing at a time.

Wow. Even if you are “emotionally dumping” on your husband he could have told you in a loving way, not at 1 am with added emotional venom. Many men can’t be bothered with the emotional work of being married, this is because they can’t cope with any emotional work, that’s their issue.

On the other hand are you depending on one person way too much?Modern marriage seems more cloying than an old fashioned marriages where there were cleanly defended roles, men had their world and women have another. While there are awful things about old fashioned relationships having separation in some areas is a good idea.

Why is your ex bothering you? If he’s really your ex why haven’t you put up massive boundaries. Your ex is crashing in on your marriage and family and you’re leading him on by humouring him, leave the relationship properly.

Your last statement was interesting. You mention your daughter but there’s nothing about you missing him. If your husband is abusive you are both showing a terrible example of a relationship. There is no chance of happiness for a child when there’s emotional abuse.

Separate yourself within the relationship, get closer to mates and you may feel you need your husband less. Also you’ll be “dumping “ o; your husband less, it’s a win win.

Look up emotional abuse, it can be more damaging and confusing than physical abuse.

Sorry, I read that post and you need to tell his ex to go. You hubby sounds like a wimp.

Sorry, I read that post and you need to tell his ex to go. You hubby sounds like a wimp.

The ex appears to be there because she is dropping off or picking up their daughter. Isn't it better all round, and especially for the child, if both parents are able to get on, despite having broken up? Why the hell should she be forced to stand at the end of the road just because the OP has issues? I know on MN there is a vocal group who hate all exs (and MILs, and men, and other women, and dogs etc etc etc) but they are not normal or rational. Hubby would be a wimp IMO if he destroyed his relationship with the mother of his child just to pander to the OP's neurosis.

“ Men don’t like drama the way women do”

to that sexist bullshit.

TooTrueToBeGood

I completely agree with your post. What op has failed to mention is her DSD has serious mental health issues and that is the reason why the ex is there a few times a week. This is a child who self harms badly and needs supervision but the op wants her to be sent round 'by herself' just so op doesn't have to see her Mum. No wonder he doesn't wan to listen to You op, he is putting his child first and so he should.

There are big problems in your family. The drip feed here is that your DSD has severe behaviour and MH problems. Which means the earlier conversation wasn’t as simple as implied. Your issue has always been with the dsd and her violence. The only outcome that works for you is not to have her in your home. That doesn’t work for your DH.

You can achieve your outcome but it won’t be with your DH. Whatever you were telling him earlier would have been incredibly significant and placed him in an impossible situation. Probably not even in the same ball park as being told to stop offloading about work.

I don’t really like way you opened with the “he spat in my ear”. That following sentence isn’t something someone spits in your ear. It’s an angry retaliation to something. In reality he wanted to drop the argument but wanted to have things out / communicate. You got what you wanted. He communicated how he feels about you.

Seriously OP, just look back at your threads. You are both obviously deeply unhappy and there are huge problems in your relationship. It would probably be much healthier for you to accept this and move on - and far better for your daughter to grow up with happier parents separately than ones who are constantly arguing and miserable with each other.

You can't dump all your problems onto one person, it's not fair and it certainly isn't healthy.

Can you not talk to your friends or family when you have a bad day?

You're an over-sharer, he's a sulker.

You both need to work on yourselves and work together to communicate better.

You're being completely unfair to say 'my way of processing things is to vent' and just expect him to be willing to be vented at every day, about all sorts of petty details that mean nothing to him, or to you as a couple. Did you ever ask him if he was willing to take on that therapeutic role for you? Sure, you being happy is important to you both but you need to find a different way to deal with your petty frustrations.

You do need to be able to discuss things that matter to you both, like the ex being in your house. His going silent is not ok. But, if he's been worn down by a barrage of chatter about your daily irritations, he might just have had enough already, by the time you get to the important stuff. He might also find it difficult to tell the difference.