DH told me I’m not allowed to Emotionally dump on him any more.

[absopugginglutely]

He spat this into my ear at 1am, “If our relationship is going to continue you have to stop “emotionally dumping on me about the people that bother you throughout your day for me to lick up like sewage”

I said I can’t be happy all the time, sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.
He called it emotional dumping and that he just tunes out because he can’t cope with it he wants me to talk to friends about things rather than him.

This all came on the back of an argument that we had been having about his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace. I was talking to him about how I now have a physical response when she’s nearby (heart palpitations) and asking him to text her and see if she could just send DSD round without coming round herself.

He just put the news on and completely ignored me and then I got cross because he won’t communicate with me about things he just gives me the silent treatment.

Later on he asked if I wanted a hug and I said so want us to communicate more and that when he came out with all the hateful bile about how from now on I’m not to speak to him about anything bad that’s happened to me in any of my interactions that day because he thinks it harms our relationship.

I cried and slept in the spare room
and don’t m is where to go from here. I feel confused. Who is right/ wrong should we just split up?

It would break my heart for DD to live in a single parent family.

@EKGEMS

I do when people can't be arsed to read the full thread so type some bullshit response. HTH.

You sound v frustrated and dissatisfied with most of the relationships in your life.

You need to take personal responsibility for improving this situation - either binning toxic friends, moving jobs, putting in boundaries, only hanging out with positive people.

The “venting” is just keeping you trapped in a loop.

An interaction upsets you, so you “off-load” the issue by venting but you don’t find a solution to the issue. Venting is just angry energy that fires you up to go back to the same dynamic with more capacity because you have off loaded rather than addressed the issue. Rinse and repeat.

There is nothing constructive going on. You are not making any progress - apart from a negative spiral of circling the drain. Your MH is at risk, your RS is at risk and your DD emotional development is being compromised because if you are so strung out it is not possible to be as emotionally attentive to her as you need to be.

You have a lot on your plate - but you need to interrupt this psychodrama, develop some emotional insights, coping strategies, (either through 1;1 professional support, or research online) - so that you can have new behaviours that allow you to reflect, change and grow.

I think it is wimpy to be married and have an ex around at the house. It shows the husband can’t be bothered to put down firm boundaries.

I think having an ex so involved is bad. The child is better off for seeing mum but what is it doing to this marriage? There’s another way of mum and daughter being close without it interfering with this relationship. The fact hubby can only tell the poster about this bad behaviour at 1 am when he’s really mad tells me he’s scared of any kind of emotional discussion.

I have to say I do wonder why the mum has to stay in the house.
Yes the dsd has some behavioural issues. But then she is able to deal with them in her own. So why is it that that her father (OP’s DH) can’t?
There shouldn’t be any need for her to go in the house, let alone everyday.

Regular meetings to talk about their Dd care yes. Being at the OP’s house everyday no.

I doubt that the op here is either totally blameless or an awful person (as some pp have painted her). Same with her DH.

It's not ok to vent like this, you need to grow up a bit OP. He isn't your sounding board. If other people in your life are irritating you that much then create better boundaries for yourself. Stop whining at people. I do it too, and the people I whine at have started to tell me to stop. And finally, after having a massive teenage style strop about it I understand why. I also agree that a problem shared is a problem halved is bollocks. If you are needing to vent on a daily basis you are not dealing with your own emotional load well enough and you need therapy. Stop taking it out on him.

Men don’t like drama the way women do

That's honestly such bollocks. Anyone who has worked in a pub or a male dominated environment, or had builders working on their house for a length of time, knows that it's bollocks. Men love to gossip.

Men are also capable of plenty of drama. And way too many women are aware of that.

sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.

The thing is though, some folk don't "process" things, or "vent" very much at all. And they don't think of it as other people "affecting" them. They realize that they have power to change things, and therefore to reduce the affect on them.

They might vent once or twice, realize they've got an issue to sort out, and then actually just change their own behaviour, to ensure that they aren't as affected next time.

If you're a person who vents daily to their partner, but doesn't actually do anything to solve her own problems - then, yeah, you are dumping on your partner emotionally. And it isn't sustainable, or kind.

Your DH doesn't sound amazing, but I can also see where he is coming from.

I know that some people believe that if they just "vent" every day, they are doing the right thing to cope with their feelings, and their partners are just supposed to sit there and listen.. but that isn't how mature adults behave.

Grown ups work to solve the problem they have. They don't just allow their emotions to happen to them, like a wave crashing over them day after day... that's not healthy or good for anyone, and it's espeically unfair to force your partner under the wave with you every day as well...

his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace

What is the ex doing that is "destroying the peace"?

Some people are radiators and some people are drains. Some people also get massively affected by people being drains, I certainly do. I have one friend that loans a lot. I don’t think she is actually unhappy but she likes to offload all of life’s irritations. Honestly it used to really really drag me down. Don’t use your husband as a dumping ground for everything annoying you.

Thanks all.
I can’t afford therapy at all. He goes twice a month.
I see myself as quite a breezy, sunny and positive person if anyone is negative it’s him!
I don’t know to be honest this has all come as a bit of a shock to me.
A while back his DD (13) snuck downstairs in the middle of the night and stole a kitchen knife from our kitchen, took it into school and repeatedly cut herself with it. She has since had good meds and therapy etc and an autism diagnosis.
Her behaviours include school refusal so ALL of DH’s annual leave is used on covering the days that her mother has to work. This along with DSD’s constant lie telling and manipulation has made our Homs like a pressure cooker. I walk on eggshells a lot of the time and her mother believes her daughters lies and attacks my husband for not always believing her e.g. if he asks DSD to come off her iPad if she’s already had 7 hours she will run to her mums house crying “because she found a dead toad on the road” her mum takes pity the DSD knows she’ll be able to spend a further 7 hours on her iPad at her mum’s house.
It’s stressful.

DH has regular therapy. I can’t afford it because I work part-time since having our DD.

DSD has regular (very expensive private psych appointments) so I feel that everyone has their mental health addressed and taken care of except me.

I really don’t dump on him very regularly at all!

I can’t afford therapy at all. He goes twice a month

Ah.

I bet he had learned this aversion to you apparently dumping in him in therapy.

Money is family money if you have swapped earning for child care. Things are very imbalanced if he has support and you do not.

I think you should tell him that you need to be able to deal with the difficulties in your household as a team and for that you need to be able to communicate better... so could he swap his therapy for couples counselling for a couple of months?

It sounds as if he is using YOU to dump on!

I have an aunt that drains me complains about every aspect of her day or about people, I hate it, I feel she is bitching and a few times I've told her I dont want to hear it anymore. When you complain about people you may be coming across bitchy, that would drain the life out of me and hearing all that negativity .
He does sound nasty. Heart palpitations over his ex? Why?

Sorry I didnt see your last comment. That's sounds like alot 😔

I don’t think he sounds abusive at all, I honestly can’t see where some posters are coming from sometimes. It’s like a man makes one tiny misdemeanour and half of MN jumps to abuse! Thankfully, there are some sane responses too.

You may think you’re a breezy, sunny, positive person, but you’re contradicting that by saying you feel you’d also benefit from therapy. It doesn’t sound like you come across positively, and that’s probably what your do is feeling. It’s easy for us to have general rant/chat about our day and not actually feel too stressed about it, but when we’re talking about it it can come across as worse than it is. I know I can be guilty of doing that sometimes, I’ve even had someone assume that I hate my job from the way I talk about it, but in reality, I absolutely love it. That’s when I realised that I wasn’t being as positive as I thought I was, so I made an effort to think about what I was saying before I said it. It’s not fair to expect our partners to just take our brain dump every day, it’s draining.

It does sound a bit dramatic when you say you’re having palpitations whenever your dhs ex is around. Your dp probably needs a lot of emotional support from you if his daughter has got so many issues, it must feel awful for him. He probably has quite a lot to talk about whit his co parent as their child is having so much difficulty, and it’s really not fair for you to make that situation harder for them. Being a good co parent means talking to each other, your do didn’t stop having that role for his daughter and his mum just because there is now another child.

It seems to me that your H has a lot on his plate with his DD and ex, and it is understandable that he doesn't want to hear your tale of woe from work on top of that.

I can’t be happy all the time, sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.
You have a recognised, habitual way of processing issues. This isn't the habit of a person who is mostly a sunny individual, who wouldn't know what the best way for her to process upset would be.

You and your H need to get together to approach the case of his DD in a way that will move you all forward. The effect the ex has on you is secondary here and dumping on him about a secondary problem of his ex's effect on you isn't fair when his DD has serious issues that need addressing and his ex won't work with him to present a united front in the best interests of the child.

It strikes me that the main problem you see here is that the drama isn't about you. Don't whinge about the expensive therapy that your H is paying for for his DD.

I suggest that you propose to your H that he and his ex go together to the therapist treating the DD for a conference so they can all get onto the same page and co-operate properly to help her through this very difficult period.

Thanks all.
Sounds unanimous that I’m just a whinge bag. I’m not but I am feeling alone, unhappy, no one to turn to and stressed.
Seems like the advice here is to just have a stuff upper lip and never express anything other than joy and happiness. Quite hard when life’s hard.

It’s obvious that your DSDs health and behaviour problems means home life is incredibly hard. For you, but even more so your husband and his ex, never mind their daughter.

There are ways to vent without firing blame out where it is undeserved. Life is unfair for all of you. Either pull together constructively or admit that you aren’t willing or able to be a step mother to this child. That leaves you with one option. Your husband and his ex don’t have that option. You are the one with choice.

I don’t think you’re a whinger or that you should suck it up. I think your husband sounds unpleasant, the interactions with his ex sound awful and that you’re right that there is an imbalance in your household.

I also think you’ve got too many things going on in this thread to get a useful response now. The issue of whether you dump emotionally on your husband no-one can tell. But if you genuinely feel that you don’t and he tells you that you do then it sounds like gaslighting. He really doesn’t sound very nice either way. The way to tell you he can’t cope is not to hiss it into your ear late at night. The sulking and silence are awful. The issues with your DSD sounds difficult and impossible to face unless you and your husband are united in your approach.

As for the ex coming in your house every day - ugh. I’d suggest you add leaving the marriage as one of your options and take time to think them through carefully to yourself. The fact he has more money than you to spend on himself is also telling.

Good luck.

absopugginglutely

We are all different and some of us need to off load at the end of the day. There is nothing wrong with that. I always need a 5 minute whinge and then get on with it. If your with someone like your OH he sounds like he just isn't interested in anything you have to say. He doesn't care about your opinion or feelings. Your clearly not in a happy place and I think your relationship is the main reason for it. Therefore I would suggest you look to your future and what you want it to look like and it's likely he won't form part of it. Being in a crap relationship is like carrying a heavy weight around with you.....

absopugginglutely no, it hasn’t been unanimous at all.

I also suspect that had the information that your DH spends money in therapy, and gets support that way, but that counselling or couples counselling cannot be afforded for you, been in your OP then a lot of answers would have been different.

I am not surprised you are feeling unhappy and lonely.

How you go forwards and improve communication and mutual support between you and your H is the issue.

And I still want to know why money between you is not shared since you dropped your income to take care of yours and his Dd.

No no I don't think you are a whinge bag. I do think we need to share our dumping out amongst more than one or two people though.

I think the bigger issues are that the family money is being prioritised towards DH MH but you don't get any support.

Also I wouldn't want an ex in my house all the time in these circumstances either. No need for it.