DH told me I’m not allowed to Emotionally dump on him any more.

[absopugginglutely]

He spat this into my ear at 1am, “If our relationship is going to continue you have to stop “emotionally dumping on me about the people that bother you throughout your day for me to lick up like sewage”

I said I can’t be happy all the time, sometimes people at work or in my family affect me and my way of processing it is to vent and tell the story.
He called it emotional dumping and that he just tunes out because he can’t cope with it he wants me to talk to friends about things rather than him.

This all came on the back of an argument that we had been having about his ex partner and mother of his daughter coming into our house regularly almost daily and destroying the peace. I was talking to him about how I now have a physical response when she’s nearby (heart palpitations) and asking him to text her and see if she could just send DSD round without coming round herself.

He just put the news on and completely ignored me and then I got cross because he won’t communicate with me about things he just gives me the silent treatment.

Later on he asked if I wanted a hug and I said so want us to communicate more and that when he came out with all the hateful bile about how from now on I’m not to speak to him about anything bad that’s happened to me in any of my interactions that day because he thinks it harms our relationship.

I cried and slept in the spare room
and don’t m is where to go from here. I feel confused. Who is right/ wrong should we just split up?

It would break my heart for DD to live in a single parent family.

Sounds like he doesn't want to emotionally support you, and you just have to suck up the situation with his ex.
Neither of those things are healthy.
His DD isn't actually your responsibility, even if you do feel sorry for her - but your responsibility is to yourself.

In all honesty I'd ship out now. He's not "there" for you, he's told you he's not going to be there for you - why hang onto him?

The ex coming in daily is odd though. Why is that happening?

This whole situation is just a nightmare.
I don't know if you are dumping on him too much but I do know that if you are in a relationship and your partner isn't prepared to listen when you have a bad day, it's not pleasant. I had an ex like this and he went on about his problems all the time but as soon as I had an issue he wouldn't listen, went out drinking and/or threatened to leave.
It's indicative of a bad relationship. You should be able to talk to your partner about worries (but obviously without going on about them constantly).

The ex coming round is obviously affecting your MH a great deal if you are now having physical symptoms. If she has to come round to support DSD as other posters are suggesting, then you have two options. You either develop strategies to cope with it or you leave DH.

I honestly think you would be better off out of the relationship. You will feel better about yourself. The anxiety relating to the ex will be removed. You won't have someone talking to you like shit and refusing to listen to you.
It will take a while for you to feel better but it will happen.

You need to honestly think about how much/often you’re offloading and what type of things.

Constantly being a pessimist and complaining about things (I’m guessing his ex is one of them) can be draining. It’s like Groundhog Day.

Some people complain more than others and although I don’t agree with how your DH told you the fact is he’s sick of it.

How you move forward is up to you.

So the situation is your step daughter has severe autism and challenging behaviour? Her mother comes over with her a lot to your house, almost every day.
Your DH, the girl's Dad, loves her to bits. Because of the nature of her issues she takes up a lot of his 'bandwidth'.
You knew all this before you got married and had your own child together.
Your DH will always be this girl's Dad. He will always have 2 'families' because is daughter will always need high levels of care it seems like - it's not a competition in your DH's eyes over who 'owns' him.
I would seek couples counselling to see can you find a forum where you can clearly express to your DH what your issues are and establish the boundaries.
Whinging about his beloved daughter and her mother are only coming across as you rejecting a part of him that he loves - his daughter and the woman who shares cares for her the majority of the time. He is experiencing this as an attack by you on his other family.
A bit like if your DH was giving out non stop about your sister or mother because he was jealous of the attention you gave her, you probably wouldn't appreciate hearing that all day long.

It would break my heart for DD to live in a single parent family.

OP listen, me & ex had a deeply unhappy relationship - crying, arguing, complaining all the time. Him coming in at 3/4am drunk, throwing up.

After we split up and me & the boys moved into our new house, and "became a single parent family" the chance in them was unreal. They are SO much happier. They get ALL my attention rather than having to watch TV, go to their room etc whilst me & their dad had another silly argument, or debate about money or something. It's hard work but flicking through the pictures of them on my phone now - all smiles and silly poses. They're like that because of me. It is a much nicer environment for them to grow up in.

Go and grab yourself a healthier life.

My first reaction was that, regardles of whether you are oversharing or not, he is suing that as a way to silence you about something HE has a part to play (his dd coming over to stay at your house).

Now, having read the update that your dsd is n the spectrum, can be violent etc etc, I think you have a bigger issue than that.

• Constantly dumping your feelings about dsd onto him and how miserable it makes you feel can be extremely ard work and could be seen as a way to manipulate the other person ito doing something they arent keen on.
• on the other side, refusing to talk with you about your feelings re his dsd is shutting down the dialogue and is sending the clear message he dost wnat to talk about it anymore. And certainly not about how it makes you feel.
• It is possible that he is stretched out in all directions and is truggling to find a balance between his dsd needs, his needs and yours (for you and you as a family).

Wo knowing why you dint the ex to be present (you dont mention the dsd so I assume its not her you have an issue with?), its very hard to know if you need to give everyone some slack because thats what is working best for the dsd or if the ex just is being a pain in the a*.

I woud start by having a discussion with him, avoiding talking about how you are feeling, and see how you could implement some o=concrete solutions to the ex coming over.
I wouod also go and see your GP/have counselling as the physical reactions you have (palpitations) are a clear sign of yoour high levels of anxiety. And this is something only you can do anything about it.

Try to stop moaning at him. Deal with that days interactions yourself. For example keep the doors locked so no one walks in. When ex wife comes, keep her at the door unless you want her to come in. If you dont want to babysit when the childs father is absent, just say no, sorry I'm busy. Or dont answer the door, jump into the shower. I wouldn't like my husband moaning at me, sometimes he does, and I have to say (if it drags on), "shut up!"

OP your relationship doesn't sound good.

But try something what I do when I feel like I need to talk to someone. I write it all down on a note on my phone. It feels like I've offloaded all of my stress just through writing it down.

It's not nice not having anyone to talk to.

Ahhhhh - the later posts have enlightened me somewhat - so you have your own DD with him as well, and the DSD has ASC - ok.

He may be overwhelmed by everything.
He still sounds like he has no room to emotionally support you but maybe that's because you are too demanding? As well as his ex and your DSD being demanding of his time and energy.

If the ex is in your house because she's looking after her high needs DD then that's more reasonable than it appeared before - but if she's not required for that, then she can back off. He does need to tell her to do so. However, it sounds like you're being - what, paranoid? OTT? with the palpitations and so on - is she bullying you? does she threaten you?

I think quite possibly you DO need to seek outside therapy because you need to work out what is causing you to react this way, and to learn to deal with it.

Whether or not you choose to split with your DH, and create this "heartbreaking" situation of a single parent family for your own DD (NOT the worst outcome, by the way), is up to you - but you need to find out how to manage your issues yourself, with or without professional help (preferably with).

My mum is constantly complaining, about people, about places, about society. A weekend with her is exhausting and brings me down. I can’t imagine living with it.

Counselling would help both of you.

I think there are two separate issues here. The ex coming round daily is not acceptable, and he must address that.

The constant moaning also has to stop, OP. I've been on both ends. It's emotionally draining to hear negativity all the time. When I was in my mid-20s I was going through a lot of stress with a bf and with work. I had 3-4 friends I would routinely call (back before mobile phones when you couldn't see a caller's ID). I literally said the same thing to all of them. After several months, I started to hear literal dread in their voices when they heard it was me. I decided at that moment to see a counsellor bec it just wasn't fair on them.

Your DP needs to take 1. seriously and sort out why ex is coming over so often. But you need to take 2. seriously and look into why you are constantly moaning. It's not a great way to live. Be kind to yourself.

Sorry you are going through this, but you hooked up with somebody else's ex. Why do you think he's a good catch when he'd failed one marriage already?
You had a child with him, and he is still putting the ex before you.
He has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever, a good man would encourage his wife to speak, not try to shut her up.
Your child deserves better than this, and you need to open your eyes as to why you didn't see what he was like, this can't be the first sign he's incapable of holding down relationships.

*when you COULD see a caller's ID

What he said was nasty and aggressive

If I lived with someone's constant moaning about other people and/or situations over which I have no influence then I think I would get nasty and aggressive eventually!

@Devlesko

RTFT it is not as simple as that.

@devlesko
You have no idea the reasons why her DH first marriage broke up, but seem to be happy to put all the blame on him.
I assume you can see the irony that if she took your advice and split up she would be in the same boat as he is now ( and which your are castigating him for ie having one failed marriage.
Or is that punishment for one gender?

You need to find a healthier way to deal with your anger and frustration about people that bother you throughout the day, and I think, along with several other posters, some kind of therapy would help you. Constant negativity from someone is exhausting and emotionally draining, and you are being unfair to your husband. Obviously, his response at 1am was ill-considered, but I can see his side.

Regarding your stepdaughter and her mother, that's something you are going to have to learn to accept. The woman is never not going to be in your life. Again, therapy would help you with this, and enable you to interact with her without the palpitations.

The OP sounds like an absolute horror story. She has simplified her OP, to allow herself to be seen as the victim and her DH as the aggressor (all though for some that would have been the case whatever the facts) but other posters have revealed much more about the situation. Your DSD has behavioral problems which means that she cant be just left to wander home. The reason the Ex comes is to pick her up and drop her off and not just to annoy you. Your DH has a responsibility to your DSD and than has to listen to you complaining about your day- No wonder he is at the end of his tether. I have no doubt that he has try to tell you and show you that he doesnt want to hear it anymore and you have just continued, until he finally exploded.
The worse thing is I don't hear anything in your post about you asking how his day was or supporting him or thinking about his well being. It really is all about you.

Marrying and having a child with a man who already has a high needs child whom he has made it clear he (rightly) prioritises, was probably not the greatest decision you ever made. Compounding it by being determined to make yourself and everyone else in the situation miserable is just ridiculous.

If you’re so unhappy at work that you need to “process” every bloody day, then leave and get another job. Why would you want to waste your life with a load of people who piss you off?

Sorry you are going through this, but you hooked up with somebody else's ex. Why do you think he's a good catch when he'd failed one marriage already?

The man in question is actively parenting his child from his previous relationship, a child who clearly needs lots of support. Maybe have a think about that before you blindly play your "all men are bastards" card.

You sound like an over dramatic emotional vampire - heart palpitations indeed. Even your language/descriptions are very over the top and petulant. Exactly what is the ex doing to cause your palpitations ?

The drip feed about your DSD and your issues with her also suggests that you don’t want her in your house but your DH is quite rightly looking to maintain his relationship with her and support her. I’d expect a significant degree of contact with the ex if they are facing these problems.

To be honest I think your post, and the accompanying drip feeds, make it sound like the fault is yours. Your DH has enough on his plate with his DD without listening to you constantly whinging about his ex (and other stuff). He needs to maintain a good coparenting relationship there to help his daughter. You sound like you need to grow up.

I don't know anyone who responds well to being used as an emotional dumping ground. Sharing every little moan and complaint isn't a sign of a healthy relationship. It's a sign of someone trying to dominate the emotional landscape of the relationship. imo people who are constantly moaning and constantly negative are a real drain, and have no respect for the MH of the people around them.

As for the issues with his ex, you'd need to clarify if your DSD has additional needs that mean her DM needs to bring her round. If so, then you either suck it up or decide this isn't the relationship for you.

There's a vast majority of batshit advice here-it sounds like you don't want his ex in your house and he's being emotionally and verbally abusive to you OP for verbalizing your feelings about it! Maybe you now now why their relationship broke down