What would you think of this message?

[GirlOnIt]

No messages because A has my phone. You should be ok to message at the weekend. Don't reply to this.

OP you missed my point. It's your response that's wrong. It's not your fault or your doing that has caused him to wander - it's his own doing. My point is that perhaps if he had hit you you would recognise that you can't take the blame but because he has just cheated (even if he hasn't had sex with her) you are giving yourself some of the blame and letting him off the hook to an extent.

As pp have said you are in denial. Accept that his behaviour is rubbish and move on.

Exactly. Look you need to accept he's a dick and however "needy" he was is having an affair or sex with someone else acceptable??

Stop trying to let him off the hook.

No it's me accepting that even when we've both been 'trying' we can't make it work. What's the point in blaming just him? What does it change? We've still got two very young children who we need to co-parent and a house and finances to sort out.
So I get angry and blame it all on him and he does the same back, who actually benefits from that? Certainly not our children.

I think I'm going to give him the option to stay in the house and us carry on as we have been with the children. With us both just accepting that it's short term until the children are older. He can message who he likes, as can I.

That sounds like an awful way to live you both deserve to be happy and neither of you will be if you carry on.
You'll both be denying yourselves and each other the opportunity to find love and have it reciprocated.
I also worry that you'll be forever living in hope that things will have a happy ever after giving him the opportunity to keep you hanging in there while he has his cake and eats it and your poor heart ends up in pieces.

I think you need to give your head a good wobble.

Live together but he can message who he likes, so can you. So an open relationship then?

You're a braver women than me. Sounds bloody awful.

Why not just leave him...and find a man who wants YOU (just you) and who you'll be happy with?? Cant understand this at all but good luck

Op by carry on do you mean you will be in a relationship or that has ended and you live together and co-parent. I'm worried that this will be hurtful for you to see him playing around and you become some martyr to his happiness/dick. Not sure this is a real solution to be honest.

Until the children are how old? 3? 5? 15? 18?

You need to accept your marriage is over and work our what you really want from your life. I'm a hoping and assuming its not loving with a man who doesn't respect you.

Until the children are old enough to stay overnight with him on a more 50/50 basis or as close as possible to that, what works for us. Not just me getting a few hours off on Saturdays.

He's a good dad and he's hands on with them, more so Ds at the moment as he's older, but he's good with the baby too. He doesn't want to leave, he's begging to stay.
We'd obviously have to discuss boundaries, but honestly I don't see me being happier without him right now. Being tired as I'm up 3/4 a night with the baby, having hardly any free time and doing all the housework etc on my own. At the moment he's very good at helping with all that stuff. And we get on in that regard and with the children, have things in common and actually have a lot of fun together.
We just can't for som reason make a actual relationship work.

Oh @GirlOnIt I can see myself in your last post :(:(
I had the same sort of comments running in my head. Feeling I had to take on half of the blame for the situation.
Feeling I had nothing else to give and the little bit he was giving me was enough forme to carry fur a bit longer.
We are now 12 years on. I haven’t left but nothing is good. I lost my self esteem in the battle. And my health.
If I had to do It again, I would have separated all those years ago.

You’ve said it yourself. He doesn’t see the issue because it was never physical (or was it?)
He is OUTWARDLY trying to win your trust back (if he really was he wouldn’t have sent that text!!)
And you are blaming yourself that you hold half of the problem and you’ve pushed him away (which means you will want to avoid that and are likely to see all your boundaries crumble).

It’s not going to get better :(

Girlonit, I think you are handling this really really well. You haven’t said he is not responsible for what he has done as others seem to think. But you have enough self realisation to reflect on your role in how the relationship has failed.

You have resilience and strength and it will see you through. Your attitude towards co parenting is laudable in the current circumstances.

He sees the issue @NomDeDieu. But he doesn't think it's cheating as he says it wasn't sexual at all. I'm not actually sure myself, I think it's what constitutes an emotional affair. I definitely believe it wasn't physical.

I'm not blaming myself, I'm not sure it's coming across properly. I think I had good reason to be the way I was after we got back together. But I can also see how he could feel the way he's saying he did because of it.
I don't think I should've had to act differently, but I think we both should've been talking more about how we were feeling. But we were busy with babies and I think we fast forwarded parts that we should have actually been slowing down.

I honestly don't really know where it leaves us, I just know for now that we both agree that the dc are our priority.

Thank you @LemonTT

He's counting on you just forgetting about him secretly messaging other women in time, it being too much hassle to split up and just carrying on with the "relationship". He is counting on just sitting tight and holding on until the trouble passes. Then he'll do it again. Of course hes begging. Hes been caught. They all beg.

It's a tale as old as time. So is the myth that staying together or living together "for the kids" is best for them. It isn't.

This isn't sustainable long term. When he finds a new women he wants to do more than message, then what will you do?

I'm not letting him stay just for the kids @mamato3lads. I'm doing it for me. Honestly it was harder when he wasn't here before. I was basically tied to the kids/house while he had freedom to do what he wanted. Don't really like the idea of going back to that.

This is very sad to read. I think you're saying that it is more hassle to split.

Are you really going to be happy having an intimate relationship with him? Yes you'll have a babysitter but it's not worth your own happiness surely?

Did you take down the number? Add it to your contacts on your phone, and then setup a message to the contact on Whatsapp, you will see her profile picture (you don't even need to write anything).

If I feel I'll be happier with him not here, then he'll be gone @Friendsofmine.

I know who she is @Lovestoned. I'm pretty sure I know the extent of it.

I totally understand why you're doing what you're doing and I think you sound like a thoughtful, rational and caring person. However I also think this situation will damage you, would damage anyone! Keeping your DH around because it"s "easier"? What kind of life is that. Surely you want more....a real relationship? I think you're kidding yourself, telling yourself that this is the plan but in reality, you wont split, you will plod along and slowly the relationship will just carry on. Its limbo land and isn't sustainable.

My question in the other post....what happens when he finds another women, seeing as you two are merely co cohabiting and co parenting, he would be entitled to date who he likes? What happens to your arrangement then, are you ok with him seeing people ?

I hope none of this comes across as an attack OP. It isn't intended as one, I've been thinking about your situation on and off all day. My messages are intended to get you thinking, not to offend. Just want to make that clear

I don't see myself having a 'real' relationship @mamato3lads. Definitely not anytime soon, Dd is only 4 months. But honestly I don't think I'd ever have anyone move in or really spend any great time with my Dc. So no, I don't imagine having a serious long term relationship until my children have grown up and they're only 17mths and 4mths 😂

Regarding dating, I think that's something we'd have to discuss. I think he'd find the prospect of me dating more difficult that I will him.

Sounds like you've decided what's what for now....and I commend you to be honest. What a shit situation to be in, especially with such young babies.

But you're a woman as well as a mum, and you need to enjoy that, in time, but not too much time....

Good luck xxxx

I can understand this approach. Obviously dating will be a challenge but until then, why not? I can’t imagine being alone with two small children (I have two small children) and when they were proper babies it was such hard work. Obviously that’s a very privileged position and millions of women have just had to manage, but it’s a terrifying idea.

Its really not terrifying .... being alone with 2 babies. Or even 3. Come on! It's hard, yeah, very hard at times but not terrifying. Millions do it, every day, and they're fine.

I left with 2 small children and I was fine. Better that than letting them see you collapse as you are deprived of emotional warmth and intimacy. You will not be doing them any favours by staying with this man. Their views of what a healthy relationship looks like will be damaged forever. Is that what you want them to aspire you? A relationship like this?