What would you think of this message?

[GirlOnIt]

No messages because A has my phone. You should be ok to message at the weekend. Don't reply to this.

I care very much and we've been really happy since we got back together

But you can't make this work on your own, GirlOnIt - you may feel committed to the relationship but he's anything but, and that's clearly not going to change now his disdain for you has reached the point where he can't even be bothered to think of good excuses

At this rate it may not remain your decision to make anyway; if he suckers in some woman with a really comfortable lifestyle he can leech off, you probably won't see him for dust.
Horrible though this is, wouldn't it be better to take control yourself before it gets any worse?

That's the thing @Puzzledandpissedoff. I think he really was and now I'm not quite as angry, I think I need to admit to myself that I've contributed to it. He's tried so hard and I've pushed him away and made it so hard on him.
He said nothing physical has happened and I do believe him. And I'm not saying what he's done is ok, I don't actually think I can move past it regardless of it it's physical or not. But I don't think he's the only one to blame.

I think he really was

What - committed to the relationship? It's not what any of your threads have indicated, but of course only you can make this decision

When doing so, though, you might want to reflect on the total job he's done on you, and that brushing things under the carpet yet again can only result in further pain

But why were you pushing him away? In a relationship that was healthy for you, you wouldn't do this. If you're feeling the need to self analyse, ask yourself 'Why have I stayed with someone when I was instinctively pushing him away?'

Low self esteem makes you question and fault yourself, so you end up having feelings which you respond to (pushing him away, for example), but then your insecure mind steps in and tells you you were wrong to do that, since you 'know' the fault must actually be yours.

How would a really ballsy, no-shit person handle your situation?

I really don't have low self esteem @Eckhart.

I think he's always been slightly more committed than me @Puzzledandpissedoff. I think that's contributed to the problems we've had. I'm not excusing his behaviour, I'm just admitting that mine probably hasn't always helped.

I wanted to try again, but I felt like I had prove to myself that he wasn't getting to come back easily. I'm not saying I wasn't right to be cautious, but I know I was difficult sometimes just for the sake of it.

@GirlOnIt I'm so sorry, I read your post but thought I was on a different thread, my comment was re a different thread.

You haven’t caused his infidelity. If he had issues with you, he could have dealt with them ethically in an adult manner. He chose instead to lie, sneak and cheat.

No problem @Eckhart

You know what @MsDogLady, I do think he's been trying to.

I know I haven't caused it though, it doesn't excuse it. I don't believe it's been physical though and I think that makes him feel he hasn't cheated.

Oh dear @GirlOnIt he has really done a number on you and you're starting to blame yourself.

Try and remember you behaved the way you did because he betrayed you, he cheated on you and you're analysing your own behaviour to excuse what he did?? Come on.

This is why they get away with this shit time and again.

I'm not excusing what he's done. I'm just acknowledging that our relationship failing is on me too.

He won't be any different in his next relationship, he's a cheat that's who he is.

You may have had struggles and ups and downs so do most marriages but they don't cheat they stick together as a team, he runs away from his problems and didn't even stand and fight for you when you found out.

You really are better off without him.

Maybe it is on you too. Probably. It's rare that its 100% just one persons fault.

However, did you go and shag a few men, message a few others, to help resolve the issues in your relationship? No, you didnt. He chose that route. The cowards route. The bullshit, lying route. There is NO excuse for that. You may both be to blame but what he did is disgusting and what you did was a reaction to that behaviour.

I doubt you'll leave him and of course it's your life but you're lining yourself up.for a world of pain. Cant you see that there are lovely, honest men out there?? A relationship shouldn't be like yours is, it's not fair and it's not healthy

Sending you strength

@Girlonit, you don’t have low esteem and I believe you do have a better understanding of your life than any of us. You have loved him for a long time and that doesn’t change overnight. But it’s fairly clear you aren’t right for each other. . Love doesn’t conquer all.

I agree with your assessment that you have struggled to assert yourself in this relationship in a constructive way. I don’t think this is because he is domineering. If anything he sounds like someone who goes along with things even when secretly harbouring resentment. Of course it’s not right to be treated this way. But it is inevitable if you try to stay together knowing you don’t work.

As couple you should be making things better for each other, even in the face of adversity. But you two just don’t do this. You are sort of bringing out the worse in each other.

Ask him to give you some space. Then you need to think about the practicality of your situation. I appreciate you are vulnerable financially and still very dependent on him. But it is no reason to stay together. Your children deserve better.

He's either fucking around or fucking with your head. Do you seriously want a lifetime of a man who fucks around or fucks with your head OP? That's a grim existence right there.

That's what I find difficult though @LemonTT. Because when we are good, we're really good. And we've both supported each other through some very difficult things.
He's an amazing dad too and I really can't see how us not being together is going to be better for the Dc.

I'm not particularly vulnerable or dependent on him financially though. Yes, it's easier with two incomes of course. But I work (on mat leave but get decent maternity pay) I've got savings and he was more than fair with his contribution before so I've no reason to think he wouldn't also be this time.

I don't think he's been shagging anyone @mamato3lads. But no I don't think it excuses him, but I do understand why it happened.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, I'm just admitting that mine probably hasn't always helped.

I don't think it excuses him, but I do understand why it happened

These two sentences sound like you are excusing him. If we slightly changed them alarm bells would ring. If he had hit you and you said I'm not excusing him but I know why it happened perhaps you would see it? It feels to me like you're saying it's because of your behaviour he did it. That would be like saying yes he hit me but it's because I wasn't very nice. Can you see how really that is absolutely excusing him?

Like saying you deserved it.

You're being very mature and fair OP. You sound like a great person.x

I think you're in denial OP.
I remember your old threads and lots about not coming home on time etc.
Can you really not work out where he was?
Perhaps not with this particular woman but with another one.
This has nothing to do with your recent development of standards with him. He's been doing it for ages

Also he's also head-fucking with this other woman too by saying you'll have the phone.

He's maybe not had sex with her but was that choice it lack of opportunity.

They are really not the same thing @MyOtherProfile. For one thing hitting someone is a actual crime.
I'm not excusing him, because again he's shown me that when he's having issues in our relationship he's not being open in dealing with them with me. Which was our whole issue before when we really got down to it.
He could have told me exactly how he felt, he could have admitted he'd been talking to someone and that he was enjoying the attention and ego boost. He hasn't until I've found stuff and he's had no choice but to confess.
So again we're left with him only telling me the whole story, once he's been chucked out and I've ended things.

I feel bad, because looking back at it. I do think he was trying at times to get more reassurance from me. Which I read as him being needy and pushing me to move things along quicker than I was happy with at the time.
But he could have spoken to me, he could have been honest.