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How should a FWB situation work?

36 replies

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 15:13

Someone has asked me out. I've known him for quite a few years, and we've been physically interactive on occasion, but I was always reluctant to to take it further for a few reasons and now there are even more reasons that a relationship probably wouldn't suit me.

But I'm wondering if I should go and just see what happens? Whether a casual arrangement would be nice for a while? But how does that work? Is it just a case of going on dates and spending time together etc, but ultimately both being free to do as you please elsewhere?

I'm not sure it would work for me, as I don't fall for people often, but if I do, I really do. While I like this guy, I don't feel as strongly as I have for others, but I don't know if that's because he doesn't seem the type to play games with me.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Eesha · 01/03/2020 15:25

Well in my situation we are exclusive FWB but I guess it could be what you want really? You have to be ok with not getting emotionally attached. I sometimes do then remember why we definitely aren't suited. We see each other fortnightly but don't really go out much like dinners etc because he had no money. It suits me for now.

TigerDater · 01/03/2020 15:32

There’s no should about it OP, every FWB relationship is different just like any other relationship is different because two unique individuals are involved. My experience is that it is a lot more complicated than you would think.

LolaSmiles · 01/03/2020 15:37

Every friends with benefits is different. To me friends with benefit is a friendship where you hang out as friends but with the added benefit of mutually agreed casual sex.

Other people think friends with benefits is just a fuck buddy set up with occasional booty calls.

It's for the two people involved to set their own boundaries, but a non-negotiable is don't go into FWB secretly hoping more will blossom.

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 15:39

Thanks both. @TigerDater that's the way to look at it, I guess.

I'm not sure whether I should just steer clear - that it would be too complicated. He's a friend of my two brothers, for a start.

But I'm curious.

OP posts:
Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 15:39

How does he feel about it? If you're wanting something casual and he's wanting a relationship then it's doomed from the start.

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 15:46

He's just come out of a relationship a couple
of months ago. Says he just wants to date normally, as opposed to OLD (not referring to me, specifically).

OP posts:
AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 20:47

Would appreciate anyone else's insight into the dos and don'ts of FWB, and good/bad experiences.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 01/03/2020 21:16

I sort of have one but we've only met twice. We get on reasonably well and the sex is good. I have to work hard at not allowing myself to get attached which is weird for me. I don't know if it will continue as I'm looking online for a relationship but I do enjoy having the company of a sexy guy for a few hours. Plus cos I'm not trying to impress him I don't have to try too hard which can be nice.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 01/03/2020 21:19

I’ve never managed to make it work. There’s no shortage of men claiming to want it but they forget that the first letter stands for “friends”.

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 21:21

@ThirtyAndASmidgen Do you mean they want to be more than friends, or that they treat you as less than a friend?

OP posts:
notjustamother · 01/03/2020 21:34

I have a fwb. It's a weird situation, we met when we were older teens, it wasn't exclusively just sex, he often invited me out with his mates to gigs and things like that basically as his plus one, he would pick me up from nights out (and nothing would happen), and sometimes we would meet for just sex and a chat. But we were both really open, we both dated other people on and off so it wasn't exclusive but we got on and had fun. I then met my ex and had kids. We split and we got back in contact (he had contacted during relationship with ex and I had told him the situation and he had wished me well with the kids etc) anyway he has been there for me when I've felt utterly shit, given me a guys perspective on things, we talk about everything and I mean everything the nitty gritty etc and it's because I know I will never be with him that I can be that open, there is no trust or jealousy issues. He's helped me get flat pack from Ikea and was the first person I had sex with after ex as I was quite nervous. There is trust, openness and friendship first and foremost I see him like one of my girl mates, but there is also attraction and respect for one another. He will check in on me every once in a while and see I'm okay, we don't speak daily etc like you would if in a relationship.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 01/03/2020 21:45

@AKAFWB I mean that they all treated me abysmally, and a million miles away from how a friend would behave. A few examples: insisting on phone sex at 9am on a weekday and getting angry and abusive when I refused; randomly turning up at my house at midnight demanding sex; forcing me into sex acts I didn’t consent to. Etc.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 01/03/2020 21:50

I should add that those are obviously the most extreme examples, but in every FWB situation I’ve been involved in, the general lack of respect has become apparent very quickly.

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 22:04

@ThirtyAndASmidgen I'm sorry to hear you've been through that.

I like to think this person is nothing like that, but I guess there's no way of knowing til you're in the situation, and if anything is going to bring out the bad side in someone, sex is a big contender.

OP posts:
Eesha · 01/03/2020 22:05

Good points : sex on tap, no inhibitions. Bad points: not boyfriend material and can stop you meeting someone who might suit you better. I find myself thinking do I really want to give up regular good sex for the maybe someone I see online. One is a sure thing with no effort.

MMmomDD · 01/03/2020 22:09

OP - you are massively overthinking.

A guy has asked you out. He is jsut out of a relationship and the two of you have met before. So - you are familiar and safe in a way. And he just wants to date and start getting out there.
He isn’t trying to get you to be in a relationship any time soon. And it’s possible to just hang out, and be friends, and even date in a low key way. It doesn’t need to be defined as FWB or anything else before you even got to go out on the first date.

Relax. Have your date and see how it goes.

nickname302 · 01/03/2020 22:12

There are no set rules, which can be an issue - with a relationship you know what's expected of you and how you should be treated, whereas an FWB can get away with treating you pretty poorly under the guise of "but we aren't serious".

Also, "friends" is a pretty broad term and so I think you have to find your own dynamic. If you're booty calling each other every few weeks then that's more of a fuck buddy. If you're genuinely friends and not every interaction results in sex, you're chatting via text etc, that's more of an FWB but more awkward when one of you decides they want more and either gets too involved or starts secretly seeing other people.

Livandme · 01/03/2020 22:13

I had an offer of a fwb situation. I really liked him, he made me laugh etc. I seriously considered it but i decided against it at the time as I felt he got the better part of the deal. Not blowing my trumpet there, but he had a set day and time that he could offer and it wasn't guaranteed but I knew the friendship part of it he was going to struggle with as he's very much a man's man and being seen with me too much (we have a mutual hobby) would be uncomfortable for him and if I didn't have the friendship part, I wouldnt have been happy as I enjoy his company for the hobby.
So we agreed not to.

Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 22:14

Personally I think the family connection of being a friend of your DBs might put me off? Would it be a cloak and dagger type arrangement where 'no one must know?!', in which case it could prove extremely awkward if it all goes pear shaped. Or if it became a bit common knowledge would there be the added pressure of them being pleased about it? 'Oh, blossoming relationship between DS and our great mate Dan!' kind of thing. Which I'd frankly be a bit urgh about if it was me.

ShesCurly · 01/03/2020 22:32

Aren't you more considering casually dating him rather than FWB? I don't really get why you're seeing it as the latter?

Lalala205 · 01/03/2020 22:39

I agree with PP tbh! I know you stated FWB in your post, but it really doesn't sound like thats what you're thinking? A FWB would IMHO mean more meeting up specifically for a shag, vs casually dating someone and just seeing what happens? If neither of you are in the market for a full on relationship right now then it's fine to just state that. However you don't have to make it all about the sex without the dating side. Just go out for a drink and see if it clicks or not? Nobody's saying there needs to be marriage plans in place within 3mths 😁

Skierrdery · 01/03/2020 22:48

I can only speak for myself.

My FWB I've known for 2 years now. I had been stood up on a date so was all dolled up with nowhere to go, so went to the local pub where there was music. I was dancing away and ended up chatting to a guy who kept telling me 'that guy over there won't stop staring at you'. Brazen as you go, I invited him to join us (I was on the vodka and red bull).

Anyway, we shagged as you do, never exchanged numbers and that was that. However my Salsa class was in the same pub on a Tuesday night, so two weeks later I bumped into him.

Somehow we became FWB. I was online dating, so would bring my dates to the pub as it was my local.

He never seemed perturbed but would tease me about men draped all over me whenever I'd be at salsa class. I'm a smoker as is he, so we'd usually meet outside the pub smoking and he'd end up coming home with me.

He made it clear from the very start that he didn't want a relationship. Fine. So if a date went wrong, I'd just text him 'fancy coming over'.

Nothing romantic in our relationship whatsoever. It was literally me wanting a hug/whatever and him wanting the same.

He is not someone who I would depend on as a friend. He knows little bits about me. Mostly though, he'll come over, have a drink and a chat, we'll do the deed and fall asleep. He's convenient for when I've nobody else on the go so to speak. He's never rude, very kind and gentle, but it is what it is and it will never be anything else. He doesn't let me in remotely and I know little about him. Quid pro quo, I don't tell him my deepest darkest secrets.

I'm fond of him and people would never know that we had this 'arrangement' running into us.

It's ok if you're not attached. He never minded me having dates. He never speaks about his own private life. I don't think I'd particularly be concerned if he was dating all the time.

Recently we're more text buddies than anything else, so I haven't seen him for a while. But he usually responds a day or two later to any text.

Skierrdery · 01/03/2020 22:52

If you can imagine, he's the fallback guy. And he's happy to entertain during the week (he has his son on weekends).

AKAFWB · 01/03/2020 22:56

I actually don't know what he wants. He said he's always like me and actually suggested going for dinner and drinks and maybe having a snog 😂

Maybe I'm telling myself it needs to be FWB because I don't want to let myself get too involved.

OP posts:
Skierrdery · 01/03/2020 22:59

A FWB wouldn't ask you out for dinner. Jus sayin

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