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Original poster

My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

276 replies

Showmethecake · 29/02/2020 04:57

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 01/03/2020 22:00

your husband is shagging someone else

Atla · 01/03/2020 22:33

I think I would suggest he moves out for a while, asap.
I felt quite angry with him reading your updates - he's a grown adult and he doesn't get to blame you for everything in his life he is unhappy about. He sounds manipulative and passive aggressive.

Whether he is depressed, having a midlife crisis or having an affair doesn't really matter up to a point. He is being an asshole either way.

If he is saying you are forcing him to stay in the house and its making him unhappy tell him to go - if he is going to dither around thinking about what he wants, let him do it somewhere else. You put you and all 3 children first.

Honestly, he sounds like my ex - didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving, but made himself into much more of one by how badly he behaved during the break up. We didn't have kids, it was still awful.

Bigblue1970 · 01/03/2020 23:11

He is laying the guilt onto you as he is weak and pathetic. I had this exact same thing. There will be someone else. His 'falling out of love with you' is code for 'I've fallen for someone else'. 100%. Sorry you are going through this but you will be better off if you just let him get on with it and go. x

Ibizafun · 01/03/2020 23:18

I’m with the posters who say he’s having an affair. You’ve made life more difficult for him by getting pregnant and that’s why he’s angry with you, feels
like he’s trapped. I would love to be wrong but unfortunately I speak from experience.

I am so sorry this is happening op but once you find out for sure, you need to show in no weakness and kick him out. You deserve better and better is what you will one day have.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 05:01

How horrible for you. He is blaming you for his life choices. And he has made choices. Staying within a marriage for example is a choice.

As for the revelation that he knew you’d get pregnant again. Really?? He has just told you he doesn’t even have control over his own sperm when it’s inside his body. This is how much he is blaming you for his life choices and tbh this is the one I’d be most upset about.

Even if he is depressed, he is being manipulative and cruel. Good luck with the scan today.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2020 05:18

Surely you don't get married for one to chuck the other out at the first disaster.

@madcatladyforever
Surely you don't get married and then after 15 years of a relationship, third baby on the way, with plans to buy a house, you turn around and tell your wife that you have been miserable for years, feel trapped by her family and never wanted the baby she is carrying, and that you will miss your children when you leave.

This is what happened here, not your weird version of events.

The OP is renting from family at lower than market rent. She is not in a mouldy, rat infested hole.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2020 05:28

@Showmethecake, when he starts playing the blame game, please put your hand in the air, palm up, and tell him he doesn't have the right to dump on you.

Tell him to sort out his shit with his counselor, because you were not put on this earth to be his garbage can. Don't yell. Say this in a calm voice.

Then get up and walk into another room. Don't slam the door. Don't bang things around in the kitchen. Put on the kettle quietly, or turn on the radio.

chatterbugmegastar · 02/03/2020 05:29

I hope it all works out well, OP Thanks

mathanxiety · 02/03/2020 05:29

And whatever you do, do not leave the house where you are now, close to your family.

Original poster
Showmethecake · 02/03/2020 06:48

Thanks everyone. Obviously haven’t slept well. I keep thinking it’s all a bad dream. DCs were asking where he was last night.

I should be excited about the scan but I just feel so sad that he could treat me like this. Part of me thinks it would be easier if there was something horribly wrong with the baby and the PG couldn’t continue. What an awful thing to say.

He’s never been very sociable, had many friends or hobbies so I’ve always felt like I had to organise things and make plans for us to go out etc. He’s been going out more recently, nights out drinking with colleagues and stayed away. Now I don’t know if that was all a lie and there really is an OW.

He’s always been meek and lazy to a point. I feel like he’s blaming me for him coasting along and not putting some ooomph into his own life.

He’s just got back from his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Showmethecake · 02/03/2020 06:49

I won’t be leaving this house. If anyone is going anywhere it will be him.

OP posts:
Cinderemma · 02/03/2020 07:25

@showmwthecake

If he's recently began to have a social life and has been staying away then it points even more in the direction of there being a OW. Taking pregnancy out of the equation I was once in your situation and my ex was so sad, depressed blah blah blah. There was another woman and that's what was on his mind, that's why he had to get away for weekends.

AnotherEmma · 02/03/2020 07:47

"He’s been going out more recently, nights out drinking with colleagues and stayed away."

Bingo. If you'd said that earlier in the thread, even more people would have said affair, and fewer people would be going on about depression.

Depressed people don't tend to be in the mood for lots of socialising.

Whyareyouallcallingmemum · 02/03/2020 07:49

Yes I'll say it again.
He's having an affair.
All the signs are there. All of them.. everything he is saying...it all points to an affair
So many of us have heard those exact words, and had the exact emotions from our husbands.
He is gaslighting you. Making everything your fault.
It's not your fault.
What the hell did he think married life with children would be like? Honestly! These men!
Selfish cowards.

AnotherEmma · 02/03/2020 07:57

www.chumplady.com/2012/05/what-not-to-do/

BearimyJeremy · 02/03/2020 07:59

I agree with an earlier poster and say you'll make it easy for him and you'll leave. And by the way the kids will be staying put with him.

Obv you wouldn't do that really but it highlights how fucking arrogant he is to muse about leaving just presuming that you'll carry the shit can for three children in his absence.

Divorce will not treat him kindly. He has no idea how much more complex his life will get. If there is an OW lets hope she's up for some sleepless nights for a few years. He is treating you appallingly. All this guilt tripping and huffing and going out to clear his head when he should be apologising, supporting you, parenting etc even if he's asking for a split. The nerve!

Namechange32H · 02/03/2020 08:02

Sorry OP, really does sound like the script. Rewriting history (blaming you) to absolve himself of the guilt of an ow, whether it’s emotional or physical at this stage, who knows.
I’d start doing some digging.

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 08:07

Good luck today for the scan.

I urge you to google Chump lady.

The men truly having times of depression and life crisis DO NOT rewrite the past, they remember if fondly and are confused about where is has gone and want to get it back but struggle to see how or feel motivated to do so.

People who rewrite the past and say negative things about it as he are almost always trying to justify their affair and inner turmoil as they prepare to leave for the affair person.

Kit19 · 02/03/2020 08:17

Handhold @Showmethecake

Until your last post I wasn’t sure I f it was an OW thing or not but reading about the sudden social life & staying away, I’d say it’s a huge red flag :(

And also don’t feel bad for how you feel about the pregnancy. He’s whipped the rug from under your feet & it’s normal to have all kinds of conflicting feelings x

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 08:21

Oh yes, it's the classic script. I can hear my Ex ranting how everone had been pissing on him and now it was time for HIM.

I know it's a cliche, but cliches are cliches for a reason. This story of men toodling along until they've lined up another comfy bed elsewhere, at which point they discover how unhappy they've been all these years...

I add to the recommendations of Chumplady. This is not the time to fall apart or be reasonable so we can sort this out amicably and stay friends. I'm not saying you should come out with all guns blazing, but you want to be in control and take no shit.

Emmapeeler1 · 02/03/2020 08:23

The sudden social life is a huge red flag for me OP. It feels like he wants this to be your fault not his. I really feel for you Flowers

Embracelife · 02/03/2020 08:25

Tell him to go see a therapist where he can indulge in me me me
If genuine MLc it will help
And hopefully see sense

DeadButDelicious · 02/03/2020 09:28

Oh OP I'm so sorry but this is screaming affair to me. Especially with your latest update.

He's trying to make this your fault and retcon his life with you so he doesn't look like such a worthless arsewipe for bailing on his 2, soon to be 3 children. It's easier to be the man who leaves his pregnant wife when it's all her fault. What an absolute prick.

Don't leave that house. Stay near your family. Insist that he does his share of the childcare and pays his fair share in support, he doesn't get to walk away, he has responsibilities.

Thanks For you OP.

PinkiOcelot · 02/03/2020 09:54

Ahhh, OP, following your last post, I’d bet my house he’s having an affair.
He’s following the script- hasn’t been happy for years, this is your fault, that’s your fault blah blah. What a prick.
Hope your scan goes on k x

Original poster
Showmethecake · 02/03/2020 10:16

Scan was all perfect. Baby boy!

He was emotionless. Didn’t hold my hand. Didn’t smile. Didn’t say anything.

He swears on the children there isn’t anyone else.

This is totally shit.

OP posts:
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