My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

[Showmethecake]

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

"He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us."

I mean, he may well be suffering from depression. However! My response would be -

"Oh ok - so when are you and the kids moving out?"

Or

"I'll be the one to move out. You and the kids can stay here".

I wouldn't mean either of those if course. Could never leave my kids. I'm just making the point that he is assuming he gets to leave due majority of the child care to you.

If you are a single parent you don't have the luxury of opting for part time parenting if you are suffering from depression. And this, I'm afraid, almost always to the woman.

He is assuming that you will do the majority of the child care while he gets to demote himself to part time child care.

Ace.

Well obviously it's tough for whoever moves out double exposure, just the OP's thread so I was referring to her in particular.
What worries me is if he is suffering from depression he might stop working, not see the kids, generally go downhill and then everyones a terrific financial mess.
It seems from what you say OP that he was a good husband before and you don't just totally fall out of love with someone overnight.
This third baby and not being able to buy the house after all seems to be the catalyst for all this.
I've read so many articles about the third child destroying the marriage over the years. If both parents are not fully invested in having a large family it can be a disaster.
Surely you don't get married for one to chuck the other out at the first disaster. Why not at least see how it goes for a few years, could all settle down then the kids will at least be older and more manageable.

RUOKHon thats a weird kind of feminism.

You have a good marriage that you are committed to and your husband is a good dad then the first time in 15 years one of them is suffering from depression and says things he probably doesn't mean you give him the boot. That's not feminism that us just cruelty, feminism has nothing to do with it.

My husband left me the very second I was admitted to hospital with spinal collapse as he didn't want to be arsed looking after a cripple and I said a few things to him that I didn't mean as I was in so much pain. Is he a feminist now?

We talked again.

He doesn’t know if he can get past how he feels about me at the moment. He feels that I’ve forced him to stay in a house where he isn’t happy. That I’ve ignored his needs and what he wanted.

He doesn’t know if he wants to try or if he sees a future.

I should have listened to him and we should have moved sooner. We live near my family and he feels smothered by them. He doesn’t think we can fix things unless we move away but doesn’t want to buy the house and have the pressure while I’m on mat leave and in case it doesn’t work.

He’s leaving now but wants to come to the scan tomorrow.

I’ve told him I won’t be second best. I need him to sort himself out and figure out if he wants to try. Then I’ll decide what I want.

He’s going to take time off work, see the GP and try and get in with the counsellor again sooner.

He said he will always love me but can’t move past how he feels at the moment. He thinks I knew I would get pregnant again.

I feel so angry with him for doing this now and not talking to me sooner. He should’ve been able to open up to me. He should’ve made me listen and he should’ve used his fucking voice and made decisions.

Sorry at the latest update but pleased he’s accessing GP, counselling and time off work. Depression can make it very difficult to access help )especially for me) - so that is a positive

The thing is if you are depressed (or in general really) there is a difference between your personal truth and absolute truth.

So even if he feels that things would be a lot better if you had moved 6 months or a year ago. That might be truly what he feels/believes now.

But! If you could time travel back 6 months or a year. His truth then could be very different from what he thinks it is from the perspective of today.

But he is blaming you a lot. Rather than taking ownership of his own issues.
And you are totally correct this is unfair. He should have spoken to you.

I would get him to go and sort his own head out. And don't do the "pick me dance".

so sorry OP - I know I & several ppl have said it now but it really is classic Script

He’s a grown man who I’m sure has no problems voicing his views at work for example but suddenly you’re a terrifying ogre of a person who’s been oppressing him fir years? Come on

I do get the thing about not wanting a third child BUT he could have used a condom, he could have said no sex without contraception, he could have told you how he felt the moment you told him you were pregnant

He is taking no responsibility here at all

I’m glad he’s going to GP & counselling but unless he accepts he is responsible for the situation too, I’m not sure it will help. I expect from experience he’ll want affirmation of his view that it’s all your fault, and if he doesn’t get it, will disengage

OK so depressed about a situation which is of his own making then?

He shagged you without any kind of contraception. Why is it your fault that you are pregnant?

He feels smothered by your family and didn't want to move where you are now. Why didn't he say something at the time?

He wants to move away but doesn't want the pressure of a mortgage in case things don't work out? What is proposing that you all do then?

To be perfectly honest he sounds manipulative and lazy. He wants to sit there and have his say, but not actually do anything or take any responsibility for anything. He should have used contraception or had a vasectomy. He should have said he didn't want to be so close to your family. He did neither of those things and he's now having a bloody good whinge about the fact that he's dealing with the consequences.

I don't think these are MH issues. I think it's a passive aggressive and controlling way of making you feel like shit for everything that he's miserable about.

In your shoes I'd tell him to pack his stuff and go to his parents. I would not move away from your family as you will need their support. I would also tell him to get to fuck if he thinks he's going to the scan tomorrow. It's a medical procedure where you are the patient and have a right to privacy. He doesn't get to make you feel like shit and then go and coo over the screen tomorrow when he's just told you that it's all your fault he's miserable.

My husband left me the very second I was admitted to hospital with spinal collapse as he didn't want to be arsed looking after a cripple and I said a few things to him that I didn't mean as I was in so much pain. Is he a feminist now?

What are you on about? That’s not even remotely the same. If your husband left you after a spinal collapse and called you a cripple, that doesn’t make him a feminist, it makes him a cunt.

OP’s DH has told her he doesn’t love her, doesn’t want their unborn child and feels like he was forced into their life together against his will. he’s taking no responsibility for his feelings and is blaming OP for everything. Depression is not an excuse for him saying such cruel things. OP’s only reasonable available response is a resounding, ‘off you fuck then’.

Everything RUOKhon just said!

OP, your pain and anger are palpable in your last post I hope you are not considering relocating away from your family, based on the things he's been saying you absolutely must stay where you are to be near them for support.

He’s changing history to conveniently blame you for everything he doesn’t like about his life.

OP, don't move anywhere, you are going to need your family.

It very much reads as if he is conveniently blaming you for everything AND he has his mind made up.

I wouldn't trust him.

I think the tears could be nervousness at exactly what IS going on in the background.

Protect yourself OP.

Another man bailing on his family because things are challenging with a yourn family.
🙄😏

OP stay near your family for support.

I think you should assume the worst and plan for it unfortunately.

I would also take someone else to the scan tomorrow. You need support and he's not providing it. It may concentrate his mind a bit. The health professionals will support your choice.

So sorry this is happening.

He thinks I knew I would get pregnant again.

Is he a bit thick? Neither of you used contraceptives, the world and their dog would hazard a guess that pregnancy would happen as an outcome.

Having read your updates (I wish the posters still absolutely insisting it's depression would read your updates too) he couldn't follow the script more if he tried.

Also re: breadwinner = more stress, sorry but that doesn't wash with me personally, OP is also in the same situation, she works too, her contribution is equally important - he couldn't work ft without the OP proving childcare unless they both work ft and he sticks his hand in his pocket.

You're doing the right thing by telling him to move out, you have enough on your plate and someone needs to actually carry on looking after your DC, depression or not.

Read your update, OP. He’s an absolute cunt. And if he isn’t already ducking someone else, there is someone he’s planning to.

Get on with things independently of him.

He’s cheating. Mark my words
Sorry Op

I can see how being the breadwinnner, having an unexpected third child, two other children, paying debts, stress at work & a new house can cause anyone to become quite withdrawn and question their current situation.

I’m glad you are both talking. Keep talking it out.

He sounds like a genuine guy. If you do end up separating, it sounds as if he will step up and maintains his relationship with his DC which is good.

Best of luck to you both

OP is also in the same situation, she works too, her contribution is equally important -

But she isn't in the same situation. Maybe his mental health was on a knife edge and he was hanging onto the hope that they would be moving and op maybe could go back to full time work to help financially. That's all come crashing down now and maybe he can't cope?

I don’t want to make any rash decisions.

He needs to sort his head out and then we need to decide what’s next. I do feel a bit like he’s already made his mind up but I’m not sure he understands how much he would lose.

We’ll see what he’s like tomorrow. I know it’s not going to be a quick change but I’m glad he sees how important it is and is making moves to sort himself out quicker.

I'm really really sorry but I also think he's having an affair.

Cake,

now you are on hyper alert, you aren't going to sleep much.

Wait until he is asleep and then access his phone.

So sorry, too many of us have lived through this and all the signs are there

(and yes, Hooves, WE KNOW he is depressed... it isn't a binary thing)

Ahhhhh diddums. Poor little soul, had no say anything n his life. At all.
I’d be telling him to do one OP. He doesn’t get to blame all his woes on you.
He’s rewriting history. Screams of someone in the wings to me.

He's been very selfish in his ways OP. I would ask yourself though, if you haven't already, do you really want a 3rd child by him? If yes then fuck him, he knew what he was doing and will have to pay up. But if not you do have other options.

If I were you I couldn't personally move on from this. I would constantly be wondering 'Does he really love me?'

get his phone OP (i read to page 8)

hes having an affair

Sorry to hear this but it does sound like he’s having an affair. Could you do some investigating? Look in his phone?