Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

276 replies

Showmethecake · 29/02/2020 04:57

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 02/03/2020 10:36

Oh OP ☹️ I’m sorry he’s being such a cunt.

Congratulations on your lovely boy. I remember finding out I was having a boy and I was just on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

You husband needs to leave the house and leave you alone. The way he is treating you, the mother of his children and unborn child, is totally unacceptable.

Toria70 · 02/03/2020 10:46

What he's doing to you is unspeakably cruel.

I'm so sorry Flowers

BearimyJeremy · 02/03/2020 11:11

Many congratulations on your scan! What a cock your H is, and very cruel. I think I'd be telling him to fuck off and go, with his miserable disrespectful attitude.

RUOKHon · 02/03/2020 11:17

He swears on the children there isn’t anyone else

Swearing on the children’s lives is also a classic from the affair script.

Tell him to prove it then. If he’s got nothing to hide then he hands over his phone to you immediately, unlocked.

StSaulOfSnacks · 02/03/2020 11:26

^^

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 02/03/2020 11:34

What prick uses his children to 'swear on'? Christ.

I'm really sorry OP. He is being shit, depression or not. And I'm afraid I agree, there's an OW. He needs to leave.

I'm glad your scan went well and congratulations on your new boy. DOn't enable him. Disengage, let him sort himself. Concentrate on you.

DeadButDelicious · 02/03/2020 11:34

Congratulations on the healthy scan OP. I'm so sorry he's being such an arse. However he may feel about you, that's his child, you'd think he could crack a smile at finding they are healthy and well. I would be asking him to leave permanently at this point. He doesn't get to do this and play house as well. If he's life is so terrible then surely he should go and sort it out. So he can set a better example than he currently is to his sons.

Womenwotlunch · 02/03/2020 11:36

I have said it already, but I am even more convinced that he is having an affair.
When posters were saying he was depressed, I didn’t doubt them , but I believed that he was ‘depressed’ for a reason. He is probably depressed because he’s going to have to explain why he has left you with two ( nearly three kids) to move in with the OW.
Cheating men always swear on their children’s lives so don’t be swayed by that nonsense

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 12:57

Swearing on the children’s lives is also a classic from the affair script.

THIS ^^

I cannot begin to imagine the desperate state you must be in.

Can you summon up every ounce of strength you have left and see a solicitor?

If anything will shake his resolve it's a divorce petition. Either way, if it doesn't, you are better off knowing and having the wherewithall to end this and plan your future without him.

Whatever you do, don't plead, don't be a doormat, don't do the pick me dance.

Kit19 · 02/03/2020 13:00

Congratulations on your son xx

Agree with @FlowerArranger see a solicitor so you at least know where you stand if you divorce & definitely don’t do the pick me dance

When does his counselling start?

AuntyMcAoife · 02/03/2020 13:09

I think it's time you decide what it is you want.

This screams of an affair.

Atla · 02/03/2020 13:13

Congratulations on your healthy scan! A lovely boy.

Im sorry your husband is being such a shit. Treating you this way is inexcusable, no matter what.
Do you feel strong enough to tell him that he needs to leave so you can have some space? It must be impossible to clear your head with him there.

damnthatanxiety · 02/03/2020 17:09

He needs to seek help. He is clearly suffering with some mental health issues. Have we really not moved on from attacking the mentally ill? Mental illness can make us narcissistic, selfish and a whole lot of other awful things. Please help him get the help he needs

AnotherEmma · 02/03/2020 17:17

RTFT

RUOKHon · 02/03/2020 17:17

Not so mentally ill that he can’t get himself a new social life and start going out drinking and staying out all night though eh?

elizalovelace · 02/03/2020 17:47

Aww a baby boy, congratulations OP, wonderful news.

bubblesforlife · 02/03/2020 18:08

Congrats on a little boy, how beautiful he will be.

I actually think your DH is telling the truth about not having an affair.
I think he's depressed, overwhelmed and he has basically shut down, and you're the person he has shut down on primarily.

I know this because I a long time ago went through something similar and it was my own DH that i withdrew from. I was in such a haze I didn't know the good from bad, everything was gloomy. Buy it wasn't him, it was me, and I went to a therapist to sort out my head. I had doubts too about DH, but I'm feeling much better now and adore my DH. It was just a form of depression. Insist he seeks help, put you and you DC first and support him after them. Give him time. Mental health can be scary sometimes and make you think crazy thoughts.

If therapy doesn't help him realise, then, consider your options

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/03/2020 18:56

I was on the fence about an affair until you said about the new social life. My ex also swore on the children's lives, he was a lying bastard

Whatever's going on with him he needs to leave and give you some space. He's being cruel and also gaslighting you.

BaolFan · 02/03/2020 19:02

He swears on the children there isn’t anyone else.

I can't tell you how many men I've known who have sworn on their kids' lives about something, and still been lying.

OP I would seriously take a big step back from him and tell him to go and stay with his parents. I would also be honest with his parents and yours that he is blaming you for being pregnant despite not using contraception and that he's told you he doesn't love you anymore.

Menora · 02/03/2020 19:06

I was also on the fence till you said he had a new social life. Sorry Op I hope it’s a clean break for you to be honest and not dragged back and forth

billy1966 · 02/03/2020 19:45

No decent man or women would EVER swear on their children's lives.

It's an obscene thing to reference their lives to make a point.

Only a lying prick would do it.

I agree, it screams affair.

Please seek all the support IRL that you can access and disgrace him by telling everyone he is having an affair and blaming you for accidentally pregnant.

He needs to be shamed. Believe me, men like this do not like the light being shone on their awful behaviour, that's why he's so desperate to re-write history.

Take the wind out of his nasty little sail by telling everyone that he's having an affair and abandoning his family.

It won't change his behaviour but it will make things a lot less comfortable for him.
Flowers

Bigblue1970 · 02/03/2020 20:08

Yep, mine also swore on our son's life that there wasn't another woman (and yes there was!). I still can't believe he did that.

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 20:13

congratulations on the scan! he’s being a total dick

WinterSunglasses · 02/03/2020 20:21

This has the vibe of not a full on affair but him 'having his head turned' by someone. Explains why he's able to swear on the kids' lives and all that, because technically he's not lying. Be strong, you can manage all this, you're tougher then he is. And he will feel that and realise it eventually. Though you may not want him anymore by then.

lborgia · 02/03/2020 20:39

I'm absolutely not blaming you OP, but that is the biggest drip feed in the history of MN, and to me confirms that there's someone else.

As many others have said, rewriting history is entirely the area of cheaters. They will say whatever helps them get past their guilt at behaving like a monster.

You have your work cut out for you, but it will be a hell of a lot easier if you just focus on all the children and act as if he's already gone. He'll be angry, but it will save you weeks of wailing and gnashing teeth, and you'll feel stronger more quickly.

You can ask for proof if you want, but you don't need it.

Anyone who treats their spouse like this (and talks about his children like that), doesn't deserve another moment of your time.

Good luck, you can do this.