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Original poster

DP has secretly arranged to meet his ex. Should I say something?

116 replies

Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:25

I don't want to end it so should I keep quiet and see what happens? I don't want to be reactive and blow up a situation if he was going to be honest about it.

I snooped and he's arranged to see her mid march. Hasn't told me yet. We've had issues in the past with amount he saw her. Posted on here about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:26

(Previously I mean, back in Sept)

OP posts:
WinterCat · 26/02/2020 17:26

I mean this kindly but his actions sound very much like you are second best and you are accepting this. Why? Surely you know you deserve to be someone’s priority.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:28

Because he'll say I'm paranoid for snooping and controlling and jealous because they are 'just friends' and he has no feelings for her.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttermouth · 26/02/2020 17:33

Because he'll say I'm paranoid for snooping and controlling and jealous because they are 'just friends' dump for this alone!

PersephoneandHades · 26/02/2020 17:39

Surely wait and see what he says?

To be honest it is controlling to secretly keep tabs on your partner's private messages; but I don't know the full story so won't comment further on that.

If he doesn't say anything I then think you have a right be upset and I would probably end the relationship if my DP was secretly seeing his ex, however, he very well may be planning on telling you.

The question is are you ok with him seeing her, even if he does tell you? Has he agreed in the past to not see her?

NameChangeNugget · 26/02/2020 17:42

You’re the one in the wrong. Snooping like that is disgusting behaviour

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:50

Yes, it is.

I don't know why but I just do not trust him.

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 26/02/2020 17:53

Why would you trust him?
He is meeting up with his ex in secret

Davespecifico · 26/02/2020 17:59

It doesn’t sound good in the long term as the trust isn’t there.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 18:01

It's the first time I've ever looked at his phone. Because in my gut I can feel something is wrong. But I feel terrible for doing it now.

Maybe he didn't tell me because he's worried how I'll react because the last time he met her, (he has met her a few times) he told me they were going for a walk but instead they went for a swim instead and something about that made me feel weird. This is me with the issue. I've just found out his brother has been having an affair and my best friend has been cheated on by the love of her life and I feel fucking terrible.

Like I'm losing the plot. I'd never do this. I'm usually fine.

OP posts:
GrumpyMug2 · 26/02/2020 18:01

You’re the one in the wrong. Snooping like that is disgusting behaviour

Because meeting up with an ex in secret is exemplary behaviour

Delbelleber · 26/02/2020 18:03

If (assume) they don't have kids together why are they meeting up? And keeping it secret from you? If its completely innocent why is he not being open about it.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/02/2020 18:05

Depends on the circumstances.
Maybe it's innocent and he just hasn't got around to telling you yet.
When I make plans it often slips my mind to say something to my partner immediately I've made the arrangements... Although obvs always say something before the actual event.
If on the other hand your DH is planning a secret rendezvous with his ex in a hotel room rather than a coffee and a catch up that's a different matter.
Personally I'd wait and see if he mentions it.
Oh and snooping isn't 'disgusting.'
If you are feeling suspicious about his behaviour it's just human instinct. I never look at my partner's phone but that's because I trust he implicitly.

boopboo · 26/02/2020 18:09

Who cares what he says? He isn’t going to say “yes you’re right I’m an arsehole” is he? Of course he’s going to justify it. Doesn’t mean you have to accept or agree! He’s taking the piss and you know it. Come on! This is an absolute joke and you’re allowing it to happen under your nose! Where’s your goddam self respect woman? I’d go volcanic the first time this happened! You’re behaving like a meek subservient “yes sir, no sir” what are you doing? He’s probably having a right old laugh with her at your expense. Why can’t you say “you see that ex and you then become my ex. Your choice dude” why can’t you state your boundaries? Are you so afraid of being single that you’d let yourself be treated like muck? Imagine what she must be thinking! Jesus. Tell him and tell him straight. This is a no go for me. I’m not being in a relationship with somebody who sees their ex behind my back. It’s my right to decide my own boundaries. You have 24 hours to cancel her and show me the message or we are done. There will be no more second chances.

Queenofheartsnomore · 26/02/2020 18:09

I have been in this situation and it hurt a lot. There were no children involved but they'd been together for 20 years. If he tells you will you be okay with it?

MzHz · 26/02/2020 18:10

I don't know why but I just do not trust him.

Damned right NOT to trust him!

Wait to see if he mentions it if you like, but the day he meets her is the day you bin him.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/02/2020 18:12

Fuck that OP he's using his secretive deceitful behaviour that makes you insecure against you... he's a Prick and he's clearly put great planning into meeting his Ex ...

You need to either accept that your life is with a man who craves someone else... or you drop kick his vile arse to the kerb and leave him...

BeautifulBirds · 26/02/2020 18:15

You don't trust him.

Find someone you do trust. Do you really want to spend however long feeling sick with worry everytime you are apart? Sod that!!

Lozzerbmc · 26/02/2020 18:16

If it was innocent he would tell you

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/02/2020 18:18

You’re the one in the wrong. Snooping like that is disgusting behaviour

Na it's not, it's how most people find out their partner has been cheating on them. That's the the disgusting behavior.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 26/02/2020 18:21

There’s a book called Hiw never to be lied too again, or something similar. I read it when the book people left it at my office about a million years ago.
Just wait until he’s had the meeting. Ask him how his day went.
Judge from him s response. If he doesn’t say he’s met up with his ex, you’re not being paranoid, he’s lying!
Then decide whether to put up with it or split up.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/02/2020 18:21

It's the first time I've ever looked at his phone. Because in my gut I can feel something is wrong. But I feel terrible for doing it now.

Well don't.

cobwebfew · 26/02/2020 18:31

He's messaged his ex to meet up and you've not confronted him yet cause you're afraid of what he will say? OP, confront him, tell him you know. Clearly you don't trust him and sounds like you have every right not to considering he's meeting up with his ex in secret.

SallySun123 · 26/02/2020 18:44

I’d be snooping if my partner went swimming with his ex.

Dozer · 26/02/2020 18:46

You don’t trust him, seemingly with cause, and he is prioritising dates with his ex over you.

What did posters advise when you posted before? Presumably that if you stayed with him you should expect this kind of crap.