Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has secretly arranged to meet his ex. Should I say something?

116 replies

Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:25

I don't want to end it so should I keep quiet and see what happens? I don't want to be reactive and blow up a situation if he was going to be honest about it.

I snooped and he's arranged to see her mid march. Hasn't told me yet. We've had issues in the past with amount he saw her. Posted on here about it.

OP posts:
LJenn · 28/02/2020 07:07

Because in my gut I can feel something is wrong

You already have your answer OP. Listen to your gut, it won't lead you astray 👌🏻👌🏻. Also, sorry you're going through this😔.

ScrambledSmegs · 28/02/2020 12:36

Having read MsDogLady's post, I think even talking to him is more than he deserves. Come on OP, stop making excuses to stay! He's treating you like dirt - do yourself a favour and walk away because no one should be the fallback option in their own relationship.

Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 12:39

If the trust has gone there’s really no point hanging on. I’d be mortified if my DH met up with his ex, there’d just be no logical reason for them to do this other than to sleep together. I suspect it’s the same with your DP, he’s doing it because he still wants her. You must know you deserve better than this.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 02/03/2020 21:14

He finally got roundcto telling me they planned to meet up last night, because I've been really down and I think he could tell something was bothering me so I brought up the swimming/lack of trust and my reaction to the fact he'd planned to meet up with her behind my back was very telling to him, he said. So he texted her and said he's prioritising his relationship with me and my feelings. I didn't ask him to do this. Still maintaining he's done nothing wrong, lying about the swimming was just poor judgement. And planning to meet up with her this time 'was waiting for the right time to tell you'.

This morning he said he thinks my mental health has been declining since Christmas and that this is a lot to do with how I'm reacting about his ex. Then he had been moping tonight so I asked him what was the matter and he says he's unhappy with cutting off a 15 year 'thing' Hmm and he's gone to sleep downstairs. I'm done with it. I'm second best and my feelings count for fuck all, clearly.

OP posts:
DBML · 02/03/2020 22:02

In this case the word ‘thing’ is a substitute for ‘relationship’.

He’s still been in a relationship with his ex. Probably not physical...but he couldn’t let her go completely.

He has treated you badly and your mental health isn’t the issue. He is. And that will impact on your MH. You know what you should do. 💐

category12 · 02/03/2020 22:04

I'm glad you're done with this. How dare he tell you it's your mental health and not his behaviour that's the issue. Please dump the twat.

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 02/03/2020 22:04

Eh definitely...yes, say something!

Butterymuffin · 02/03/2020 22:13

Bloody hell, he has to make it your fault, doesn't he? In the morning tell him that you have no intention of keeping him with you against his will and he needs to go right now and live his life as he wants to. I know you'll feel sick about it but do it. It's the way to take back control (sorry) and he'll either go and you know where you stand, or he'll be shellshocked that you're doing it, and will realise that he can't have his cake and eat it, as he has clearly been intending to do.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 02/03/2020 22:25

I'm actually totally bored of it. These men abdctheir weird ex related dramas. It's embarrassing isn't it? Clinging on to something that's not even real anymore. It's really pathetic. What a sad life to live.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/03/2020 22:28

So dumping?

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 02/03/2020 22:32

Definitely. He's walked out in a strop because I've told him the truth, people who need to cultivate this 'ex as friend' drama all have one thing in common. They don't have many friends. I don't need to stay friends with someone just because I've been shagging them. I have plenty of friends who I've connected with because I'm a decent human who doesn't need to have sex with someone to connect with them. I can't believe I haven't seen this before.

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 22:38

"he says he's unhappy with cutting off a 15 year 'thing' aka relationship that is a ghost of what they had at best or an affair at worst.

Either way, he is now grieving for what it meant to him. Arsehole.

nacher · 02/03/2020 22:40

Very insightful OP.

MsDogLady · 03/03/2020 00:20

So he meets up with her several times, lies, secretly makes plans to meet her again, treats you poorly during your anniversary in January, backtracks on prioritizing you—and then he blames your MH for your discomfort. That’s rich.

You are very wise to realize that you deserve much better than this emotionally stunted and unavailable man.

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 03/03/2020 01:14

PP, Friendsofmine, suggested a book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I also highly recommend it to everyone! I listened to the audiobook version with my husband after I caught him lying to me about a night out with coworkers. It helped him see things he was in denial of.
He fabricated a story about going out for drinks with a group of people from work. My toddler got a hold of his work phone (password protected but he placed it down without locking it) and it was opened to text messages from a woman who sent a text that night. "Are you home safe?" He never mentioned her in our conversation about his evening out. Before I told him that I had seen the text, I asked him to tell me who he had gone out with again. He gave 5 names, none of which was the name of the woman who texted him. "We're just friends" was all he kept saying. It took 6 weeks of interrogating him to finally tell me there was never a big group. It was him and 2 single females from work. (He never mentioned 2nd woman's name either). If there's nothing wrong happening, then there's nothing to hide. In your case, your DP said he was waiting for the right time. (BS You called him out on it, so he couldn't hide it.) When someone says they're waiting for the right time it's because they have delicate news.
He's gaslighting you with the whole Mental Health crap. Dump him. You deserve better.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 03/03/2020 12:31

Her reaction to his message cutting things off was pathetic too. She said 'she'd go as far as to say she still loved him but she had to let him go' and that she was upset that they had to 'bow to convention'. This is a 50 year odd woman (he's 33). They've both got partners. Why would you even say that? Drama everywhere.

OP posts:
LJenn · 03/03/2020 13:03

(Not directed at you) .. Oh god Gods sake woman grow TF up it's someone's relationship. How ridiculous is she?

Let him go, you deserve so much better than this💕. Their relationship is so obviously inappropriate end of, and they shouldn't NEED you to tell them.

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 03/03/2020 13:05

They both know it's inappropriate too. And it's affecting their subsequent relationships, so why do they need to do it?

My first thought when I read it was grow up too. And I'm a lot younger than her!

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/03/2020 13:33

This morning he said he thinks my mental health has been declining since Christmas and that this is a lot to do with how I'm reacting about his ex. Then he had been moping tonight so I asked him what was the matter and he says he's unhappy with cutting off a 15 year 'thing' hmm and he's gone to sleep downstairs

You need to end this. Now.

avocadoincident · 05/03/2020 07:11

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 05/03/2020 07:37

I am okay thanks for asking avocado. He is currently looking at other places to live and I will never ever be in another relationship again, that is for sure.

We keep having circular conversations about my MH being a factor versus his behaviour being a factor, but we are and will remain in opposing positions.

OP posts:
SophieSong · 05/03/2020 08:42

Sorry this has happened but you’ve got great insight. They both sound ridiculous and him trying to make you think it’s your mental health is actually really low of him. How dare he behave like this and then try to get you to take blame or doubt yourself via talking about your mental health?

Sounds like you’re not letting him play that game and good for you.

nacher · 05/03/2020 08:55

OP, you're being very definite about no future relationships, not sure if you're serious at 33, but that's worrying.

ChuckleBuckles · 05/03/2020 08:55

@Aryaneedle Is he actually looking for a place to live or is he just waiting for you to back down and come around to his point of view that you are the problem? If he keeps going on about your MH I would be inclined to tell him he is right, your MH is at breaking point and can be improved by him moving out, right now, today.

If the house is in your name only I would give him until Sunday to move out, he can go to friends/parents or his ex if she is so great.

MzHz · 05/03/2020 09:07

What a wanker! It’s HIs duplicity and demeanour that’s causing the atmosphere of unease that your MH is REACTING to.

HE is causing this.

I promise and guarantee you, if you’re in a relationship with an honest, truthful and trustworthy man, you don’t feel like you do now. You just don’t.

Let him leave, spend some time processing this and then build yourself back up by reminding yourself of all the good things you are, set your boundaries and your hopes and aspirations for the future and keep going until you achieve them.

Do NOT blame yourself. He may not have cheated ON you, but he certainly cheated you out of a relationship.

Emotionally disloyal was the term you used, that’s very accurate