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Original poster

DP has secretly arranged to meet his ex. Should I say something?

116 replies

Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:25

I don't want to end it so should I keep quiet and see what happens? I don't want to be reactive and blow up a situation if he was going to be honest about it.

I snooped and he's arranged to see her mid march. Hasn't told me yet. We've had issues in the past with amount he saw her. Posted on here about it.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 27/02/2020 01:58

There's is something you can do about your insecurities op

Get rid of the thing that's causing them ie him

One of our biggest and most important senses and the one that goes ignored far too much, is the one that's been keeping man safe since the caveman days.

Our gut feeling, is the equivalent of having lots of little aerials all over our bodies that pick up signals that you can neither see nor hear.
It's that someone walking over your grave, or the hair on the back of, your neck standing up moment.

You know somethings off kilter, but you know if you confront it you will find out it's true. It becomes easier to be convinced your mad, than have to go down the harder path of dealing with the truth.

Your suffering now, your mental health is taking a pounding, and he's treats you with no respect. You need to find your self worth, and take back control, whether he's seeing her or not, is now a mute subject.

Calling you paranoid and basically stupid isnt showing love to you, so show yourself some love and leave.

MsDogLady · 27/02/2020 05:19

Your Partner has been creating emotional distance between you. He has been lying and minimizing about his Ex while keeping up an inappropriate level of contact with her. He dismisses your feelings and deflects the blame to you.

In your September thread, you wrote that he had recently met up with his Ex more than a few times. He had plans to meet her again that Saturday and then go for the aforementioned ‘walk,’ which you later discovered to be a lie. Why was his lying not a dealbreaker?

In your January thread, you said he had been distant since Christmas. He had been acting weird for several days and this culminated in an argument. He was very disrespectful, and you feared he would break up with you on your upcoming 2nd Anniversary trip. In addition to his contemptuous behavior that night, all the next day he would barely look at you, froze you out, and repeatedly went into the bedroom while on his phone. You assumed that he was talking to his Ex, and indeed when he later got on WhatsApp near you, you saw that her name was at the top of his list.

Although you ended up canceling the trip because of his disrespect, you did give him his gifts and the card you had collaged with fun photos of you two. He gave you nothing.

I wonder if he treated you with contempt hoping you would cancel the trip.

Now he is secretly planning to meet up with his Ex again, lying by omission, and telling you to sort your insecurity. Honestly, you deserve better than this untrustworthy, manipulative man who is rebuilding intimacy with another woman and making a fool of you.

missperegrinespeculiar · 27/02/2020 05:39

Why is swimming together an issue? am I missing something?

I often go swimming with my ex, I love the water, my DH gets cold early and wants just a short swim preferably in the (heated) pool, my ex is a surfer and strong swimmer, I like going with him because we are good friends, we love the water and I feel safer swimming in the ocean with him, I am not as strong a swimmer as him

Just to say, swimming with an ex can be for totally innocent reasons

I DO NOT lie about it to my DH though, and he is always welcome to join us (he'd rather stick pins in his eyes!)

Robin233 · 27/02/2020 06:25

My son used to go swimming a lot with his platonic female friend.

That aside read Shirley Glass'
Not just friends

Seeing an ex in secret behind your back is not healthy for your relationship.

Dozer · 27/02/2020 06:36

The Split Season 2 features affair partners swimming!

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 27/02/2020 07:09

I honestly don't think he's physically cheating. I feel like he's being emotionally disloyal. I have two ex's who have asked to meet up but I think they still have feelings for me so I haven't because that would be me being disloyal.

My problem is with the lying and secrecy and it isn't like I've had an issue with him seeing her in the past. The swimming is a red herring. It's not the swimming or being friends with an ex I take issue with.

The issue started when he lied about it.

Why would he need to lie? This has made me think that there's more to it, that even if he isn't cheating, his emotional attachment to her isn't resolved.

She ended it with him as she said they were just more like friends and got with someone else very very quickly. That must have hurt him right? So has he got over it? I'm not so sure. He has either archived or deleted the Whatsapp thread as I glanced at his phone when he was showing me a message from his mum and the thread had gone from his ex. That doesn't look great does it?

My plan is to wait and see. If he tells me I'll tell him I'm not comfortable with it due to the above. If he doesn't tell me and lies about where he is going on the day it's over.

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 27/02/2020 07:10

Dump him

FeeFee832 · 27/02/2020 07:10

Snooping isn't wrong when you have a gut feeling - look after yourself

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 27/02/2020 07:11

Sorry, no I've never met her to whoever asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aryaneedle · 27/02/2020 07:14

@MsDogLady

Thank you for your post. You pretty much summed it up and I will be using all your points when I end it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/02/2020 07:16

He was explicit when you raised this before that he had no intention of changing this “friendship” and wanted you to shut up.

He doesn’t need to physically cheat to cheat, damage your relationship and seek to keep his options open.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 27/02/2020 07:25

I was going to ask you what your relationship with him actually is like but I’m not going to and here’s why;

It sounds like he probably got together with you too quick after splitting from her, boo-hooed about it all to you and planted the seed of suspicion and concern in your head he’s not over her.

He’s gone off on jollies with her before and now he’s making arrangements to meet her behind your back.

OP feeling you have to snoop is a bad sign but having suspicions confirmed is worse, this is a situation no good can come from and your relationship sounds like it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

Life is honestly too short for this lame crap.

MzHz · 27/02/2020 07:40

As a swimmer myself I find it odd that someone would arrange to for a walk - which requires little more than putting one foot in front of another- and instead apparently decides to go swimming.

Swimming requires preparation and something to swim in.

DID he actually swim? Did you see proof? Trunks etc? Can he even swim well enough to decide to go swimming with somebody?

I’d find it more believable if he considered swimming but went for a walk instead

I wonder if he just forgot the story he told you.

If the other threads are representative of what’s going on, this isn’t a good relationship and you need to extricate yourself for your own wellbeing as soon as possible

BumbleBeee69 · 27/02/2020 11:44

So he knows he can freely see exes... because you don't actually mind... you don't see it as cheating on your relationship... so no problem then ... right

magoria · 27/02/2020 11:58

Seriously he doesn't give a shit about you from the sounds of it.

He lies and as a result you can't trust him.

Don't waste another month. End the relationship now so in a month you will be 4 weeks down the path to healing.

Butterymuffin · 27/02/2020 12:01

He says I need to do something about my insecurity.

I think ending it with him will solve that problem.

category12 · 27/02/2020 12:52

Don't you think his emotional disloyalty and lying are enough reason to quit? I think I would, these days. Don't you think you deserve his loyalty?

What's magic about him fucking her?

eenymeenyminyme · 27/02/2020 13:01

I haven't read any of your previous posts I don't think, but in this case are you sure he's lying and it's not that he just hasn't got round to telling you?

If you know what date they're meeting up, suggest doing something together on that day. If he says 'sorry I'm meeting ex' then at least you know he's being honest about it and you then just have to decide whether this is something you can live with.

WaggleWiggle · 27/02/2020 14:33

I totally disagree with the person who said that your behaviour is disgusting. There’s a world of difference between routinely rooting through someone’s private things without their knowledge even though they’ve done nothing to make you doubt them and acting on a strong feeling that something isn’t right. What are you supposed to do when you suspect you’re being lied to - just ignore it and bury your head in the sand because as long as there’s no evidence there’s no infidelity?! Ridiculous.

Whether or not anything dodgy is going on between them, the fact that he’s deleting messages to her and had already lied about one meet up means that he’s taking risks because he knows he knows the truth would upset you. If the truth is that he’s still keen on her, then obviously it’s over for you two. If the truth is that he wants to maintain lots of contact with her as a friend but isn’t willing to cut that back to a level that you’d find acceptable, then that’s pretty much a deal breaker for the paid of you, too. The most innocent explanation here and the only one that seems workable is that he genuinely just wants to be her mate but doesn’t want to have to explain to you why he’s keen to see her because he really doesn’t have eyes for her anymore. Only you can know if your gut tells you that that is plausible.

WaggleWiggle · 27/02/2020 14:34

Pair, not paid

Friendsofmine · 27/02/2020 20:20

I agree Waggle.

The reality is cheaters lie so people have to act on their gut at times and unconditional trust just isn't sensible to someone who has form for lying!

yellowkangaroo · 27/02/2020 21:29

You know, you can break up with people just because it's not working for you anymore. You don't need to confront him with the ultimate proof of his infidelity. @msdoglady summarises it well but you don't need to land all that on him, you already know it and he will not accept it and try to gaslight you. It's doubtful you will get much satisfaction from confronting him.

You know who he is and how he is treating you. Why not just end it yourself? You might get more satisfaction from denting his ego by suggesting that he wasn't floating your boat anymore, you can literally just say 'I'm not happy anymore, the relationship doesn't work for me, we're breaking up'.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/02/2020 06:34

Wake up and see what’s going on! Dump him. You’re second best. You’re the fall back. Go find someone who loves you. Don’t stay in a shitty relationship.

forumdonkey · 28/02/2020 06:47

I also thought swimming was a little strange, unless it was on a spa day.

Do you always want to feel like you do now? Staying with him, you will always feel like this, whether he meets her or not because you know what he's done and you'll never trust him again.

CalleighDoodle · 28/02/2020 06:58

Chriat op. He has already been treating you like shit. Time to end it. Dont waste another month.

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