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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has secretly arranged to meet his ex. Should I say something?

116 replies

Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 17:25

I don't want to end it so should I keep quiet and see what happens? I don't want to be reactive and blow up a situation if he was going to be honest about it.

I snooped and he's arranged to see her mid march. Hasn't told me yet. We've had issues in the past with amount he saw her. Posted on here about it.

OP posts:
fastliving · 26/02/2020 18:48

I wouldn't trust him either.
Especially because you seem surrounded by people who think affairs are ok.
Not sure what you can do about it other than break up with him though?

HappyHammy · 26/02/2020 18:49

This will eat away at you, is he really worth this amount of pain.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/02/2020 18:52

There is no trust and he lies to you. He is, possibly, emotionally over-invested in his ex.
In your position, I wouldn't feel guilty about looking at his phone (providing it's a one off). I would, however, end the relationship.
A relationship should enrich you--not the opposite.

mamato3lads · 26/02/2020 19:02

Hate all this shit about "how dare you snoop" etc. @NameChangeNugget

What bollocks. Utter utter bollocks. You get what you give. OP , as is so often the case, knew in her gut something was up. And surprise surprise she was right.

I just don't get it all this separate life...privacy stuff. In my book if you're doing something you need to hide from your partner then something is wrong. Surely a marriage or committed relationship equals honesty?? Nothing to hide... an intimate, honest, trusting relationship. Fuck snooping. Follow your gut.

OP. Give him time to tell you. Perhaps initiate a conversation around her or something closely linked to open up his chance to speak up. Or say you want to book tickets for you two to something mid March, does he have any plans ?

Dont jump the gun . If he doesnt tell you and meets her in secret you've got problems then x

Username109876 · 26/02/2020 19:04

Please confont him and don't let him gaslight and try to blame you. If there was nothing wrong, he wouldn't have to do it in secret. You deserve better.

damnthatanxiety · 26/02/2020 19:14

NameChangeNugget some people seem to thing 'snooping' is the worst action in the universe. 'He hit me when I looked on his phone'...well you are the one in the wrong for looking on his phone.....'I found out he has been sending indecent images of dc when I checked his computer...' ....well you are evil for looking on his computer....

sheesh

FabbyChix · 26/02/2020 20:06

If it’s that innocent why hasn’t he told you simple it’s him making it out to be more by being so secretive

ChuckleBuckles · 26/02/2020 20:24

I don't know why but I just do not trust him

Because he has form for meeting her and lying about it, that is why you don't trust him.

Sorry to say OP but from here he seems to be keeping in contact with her hoping for another chance with her but keeping you in the background until he has another bed to jump into. You know this is not right, you know deep down that it is not innocent, that is why he is lying, you deserve better. Don't let him bullshit you with "you are so paranoid, that is why I lie" how could you not be paranoid with a liar.

Emmelina · 26/02/2020 20:24

Do they have kids?

Careersytype · 26/02/2020 20:25

So, when you discussed it before, what was happening? Was he keeping it a secret then?

Original poster
Aryaneedle · 26/02/2020 20:28

No, they don't have dcs.

They were together for 14 years. I brought it up in a roundabout way about my insecurities around her but haven't told him I know they are planning to meet. He hasn't said they are. He called the last time they met up and he lied about the walk/swim thing as 'ill-judged'. He says I need to do something about my insecurity.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/02/2020 20:30

Have you got MUG tattoed on your forehead ?

Mary1935 · 26/02/2020 21:09

Swimming is an unusual activity to do with an ex I would have thought?
I wouldn’t say anything, but ask him how his day went and see what he says.

Careersytype · 26/02/2020 21:38

He lied about the last time they went out, and said it was ill judged?

And he's saying you need to sort out your insecurities?

Have you met her?

FlaskMaster · 26/02/2020 21:42

You'd be an absolute idiot to trust him. He's proved himself untrustworthy multiple times now. It's not ok to secretly meet up with your ex numerous times and lie about it. What do you think they're meeting for, swapping cupcake recipes? Ditch his cheating arse. And get a sexual health check.

HeartWreckage · 26/02/2020 21:46

i snooped

Sorry, but it’s already over if you’re doing this. Not because snooping on someone who is a cheat is such a terrible awful thing to do, but because it clearly demonstrates that you don’t trust him. No trust= no point.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/02/2020 23:08

ignore the posts about ... your relationship bring over because you snooped .. your relationship is over because you fact checked that your Prick of a partner is arrangements with an Ex behind you back... you deserve credit OP..

Winterlife · 26/02/2020 23:15

He’s gaslighting you with the insecurity talk. A partner who loves and cherishes you wouldn’t lie, and would respect your wishes about not seeing an ex.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/02/2020 00:22

Well you're not 'paranoid' are you OP, you're just accurately gauging that he is deceptively meeting up with his ex, and know he is a proven liar. There isn't really paranoia involved if you're correct.

Swimming with his ex- sounds bloody weird if not made up entirely. He's a liar OP you know this from experience so yes I'd directly ask him why he is lying again and meeting her and having to hide it again when last time was 'ill judged'

He doesn't sound worth the fuss and no doubt he will gaslight you and turn it all around on you. The best advice you can possible get OP is to not listen to his shit and tell him to jog on. Tell him you know he's lying again, are embarrassed for him, and don't want a relationship with a liar.

thickwoollytights · 27/02/2020 00:32

but haven't told him I know they are planning to meet. He hasn't said they are.

So he's (again) lying by omission

And if you tell him you know he's meeting his ex, he will say you're insecure and paranoid

I think you know that your relationship is over don't you?

porple · 27/02/2020 00:35

you deserve better than him

liverpool1981 · 27/02/2020 00:52

Hi I am sorry this is happening to you. You deserve no much better, you have to follow him and catch him out plain and simple he is a scum bag doing this on you again

Friendsofmine · 27/02/2020 00:56

Not just friends is a book all about how affairs work.

Most people find out after snooping due to a gut feeling! You already know he has been deceitful in the past. I'm sorry OP. I think I would probably give it a couple of days then I'd talk to him. If he was defensive and focused on how you found out, rather than what to do about his issues, I would be rethinking the whole relationship.

Fizzlestix · 27/02/2020 00:58

He’s gaslighting

They went swimming!!?!?!

That is literally not a thing two grown adults of the opposite sex that are purely platonic, just go and do together spur of the moment. Even planned, unless they’re training for something together, it’s weird.

When did they break up? 14 years is a long time. Has he introduced you?
If they were just best friends, before you got together, after a break up years ago
And it’s an open invitation to you, that’s fine.
If it’s anything else I’d bepissed.

Coyoacan · 27/02/2020 01:40

I personally don't think he is cheating, I believe he wants to meet up with someone that he shares a lot of memories with and who is now a friend. Lots of us in this world keep up friendships with exes.

And the lying is not good, but what happens normally OP when he wants to see her? Do you get very upset?

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