He told me he’d lost his child in an accident

[myredcardiganbob]

I posted a thread the other week asking for advice about how to ‘get over’ the embarrassment of making a mistake. The jist of it was that I sent a message to a fairly new date after not hearing from him since the day before which was unusual (more than 24 hours), he sent an angry response saying his parents had been involved in a car accident and he’d been busy with that (sorry, I don’t know how to link the thread). We spoke on the phone the following night, all seemed to be okay, he apologised for snapping in his message reply and I apologised for thinking he had perhaps changed his mind about me. We then messaged normally for the next few days and made an arrangement to meet the following weekend. On the day, I didn’t hear from him with his train time and have heard nothing since (and don’t expect to!).

On our very first date, he told me that his elder daughter had been killed by running out in front of a car at the age of 4. He and his wife went on to have another daughter, who is now coming up for 2, but that their marriage just couldn’t survive their grief and that was the reason for their separation. His first daughter was mentioned very naturally through all of our dates, how different she was in temperament to their other daughter; what the months felt like following her death and so on; how his parents felt etc.

Last weekend, knowing that I wasn’t going to hear from him, I had a social media nosy (I hadn’t done anything like that while we were seeing each other). He has no fb profile which he’d already told me, but his wife does. They are definitely not together... but there is no sign of there ever being an older daughter. None at all. Not that I expected a death announcement or anything like that but there was simply nothing and the dates of all of their photos didn’t give an opportunity for there to have been a child, if that makes sense (holiday pics, family parties, weddings etc). In Scotland, records of all births, marriages, divorces and deaths have to be in the public domain, you can search for them via the national records website. So I looked there. There was no birth or death record of this wee girl.

I cannot fathom why someone would tell such a despicable lie, I’ve made peace with the fact I’m no longer seeing this person but as the days go on, I feel more and more upset about being so conned, in fact I feel really funny about it. What kind of person makes up a story like that and what does it say about me that he ‘needed’ to make something like this up? I know people can tell untruths and exaggerate in dating but this story was bloody awful.

Can the above posters not see the bit about BMDs in Scotland being in the public domain? The OP checked. There was no such child.

The OP sounds like a stalker. The child wasn't necessarily born in Scotland, they could easily have been born overseas, died overseas. Anybody searching BMDs in this country wouldn't find two of my children and they'd probably think that was odd because they wouldn't have any clue that they needed to look elsewhere.

i cant understand why you did so much snooping
but its done now.

basically you dont want or need to see him anymore
you have no trust
chalk it down to experience

She does not sound like a stalker. Get a grip.

So what are you going to do @redcardiganbob?

How will you finish this?

Block him.

Even if it’s true (which it seems it’s not) who talks about bereavement in such detail on a first date? Then his parents have a car crash which he snaps at you about.

I think he’s a fantasist and should be avoided.

Of course the OP doesn’t sound like a stalker. Has no-one ever looked up someone else because they’re curious about them?

Quite aside from the lies, the fact that the man ghosted the OP would make me want to go and find out whether his ex really was his ex, and that would open up the whole can of worms re the child.

To the posters saying the story would be in local / national papers...

This really isn't true !

Pictures / albums on facebook, can be private / friends only. Just because you cant see, i wouldn't presume nothing was on there

The older I get the more the more I realise that there are more fantasists and pathological liars out there than you would believe. I have come across people who've lied about their profession, having been on TV, child abuse, a murdered daughter, cancer of themselves and even their child, being related to famous person. As well as 2 men who lived double lives- with 2 families - who were constantly lying to cover up. Dead relatives were always the favourite when they found themselves in a corner.
Each time it seems sort of plausible and even if it doesn't the stories get more and more elaborate and they stick to them. If they are caught out there are more stories on top of those.
I'd doubt the car accident as well. He just tells huge whoppers.

It is true. I worked as a police press officer and in newspapers for years. A young child being knocked down and killed is a massive story for local papers.

The OP does not sound like a stalker FFS. And please people READ. Yes yes, not everyone puts everything on SM but if the SM shows laughing and joyful family holidays, group social events etc at the time of the apparent death, then it does suggest something is not right.

Of course it would be in the papers. But even if it wasn’t the B&D records don’t lie.

The OP sounds like a stalker

Anybody who doesn't do an Internet check of people they date is a fool.

Of course the OP doesn’t sound like a stalker. Has no-one ever looked up someone else because they’re curious about them?

Not on birth, marriage and death records no - that's stalker territory. I once searched an old boyfriend on FB once but that's it.

My EXH Son died, by looking at his Facebook you'd never know but by looking at his EXW Facebook (mum of the boy) you would def know

Your spidey senses were going, OP, and you followed up on it. That is a good thing. Really hope you try reading 'The Gift of Fear', everyone should. I read it with my kids. It's not at all stalkerish or private investigator territory. The relationships board would be a lot quieter if women listened to their guts instead of leaned into their social conditioning to ignore their own trust in themselves to be kind/give benefit of the doubt/tell themselves they are overreacting or sensitive or any other nonsense/become the Simone Biles of mental gymnastics to talk themselves into not listening to their guts.

I'm glad you will not contact him again. I'd block as well.

Not on birth, marriage and death records no - that's stalker territory.

That's being clever territory. How I found out my lying ex was still bloody married.

I’m Scottish and when out of curiosity one day decided to look up my own birth, there’s no record of me! My younger sister and older brothers records were there, so maybe he is not lying.

I find it fascinating how desperate some posters here are to conjure a way that this obvious red flag flapping, fantasist, potential abuser isn't lying. When it's so obvious, in the Occam's Razor sense, that he is.

Aside from the OP, there are 2 posters, one direct victim, the other a friend, who have seen this happen. I can remember another poster from thread a while back who couldn't check records (most have been England), but did quite convincingly discover the same lie.

Anyone remember this lady?
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alicia_Esteve_Head

She claimed to be a 9/11 survivor and that her fiance died in the attacks. Entirely made up. She formed a support organisation for the bereaved and was a central figure in survivor/family advocacy until the truth emerged.

These people are more common that normal people might suppose.

That's being clever territory. How I found out my lying ex was still bloody married.

I didn't know marriage records included divorces - the name isn't a clue.

But looking up details of people's children - that's not on.

I guarantee that if OP had continued with this association (I’m not going to say relationship) and had got far enough in that was seriously questionable behaviour and it had all gone to shit and she’d needed to extricate herself, all the people currently crying ‘stalker’ would be the first ones saying ‘why on earth didn’t you check all this stuff before you moved in with him? You know all these records are online, right? You could have saved yourself so much trauma upfront if you’d just been sensible and protected yourself instead of blindly trusting the word of a man you didn’t know from Adam’.

Exactly BiscuitBarrels. Some people are just contrary bastards.

Not every child getting run over and killed is going to be in the press.
As i know one, and it wasnt mentioned anywhere at all

It’s not stalking to do some checking when alarm bells go off in response to things not seeming right, and then to do some additional checking when those initial concerns seem to be born out. E.g. Clare’s Law exists specifically to help women protect themselves when entering into new relationships. That’s not stalking.

Stalking is an entirely different thing, and to cry ‘stalker’ when a woman responds to reasonable concerns does an enormous disservice to the thousands of (primarily) women who have suffered at the hands of actual stalkers.