Can't cope with DH and depression

[SpiltMilk100]

Just for a bit of background, DH and I are both 30, have been together for 10 years. We have 1 DS who is 3.5 and I am due DC2 in May. I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours. Possibly has ADHD but his mother never bothered to get him diagnosed as a child and he doesn't see the point now. He is NC with his entire family due to DV between his parents and towards him as a child and general lack of effort on their part to maintain a relationship with DS. He has a good job now, however has job hopped for a couple of years as he's never been happy. He seems happy where he is now. We have been under a bit of financial pressure for the past year or so due to him job hopping and taking out loans behind my back to cover any shortfall when we wasn't earning much. However, this is looking better now he is on a good wage.

So he was diagnosed with anxiety over a year ago, started talking therapy but stopped going after a few weeks because he thought it was useless and he refused anti depressants. He seemed to feel better for a bit but now thinks he is depressed aswell and has been back to the doctor who has referred him back to therapy and advised to start antidepressants. He's said he will think about it and has to go back in 2 weeks if he wants the prescription.

In the meantime he is absolutely vile. Horrible to be around. He's snappy, shouty, angry, detached, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to play with DS, doesn't want to do anything really and I just can't cope with it. I hate being around him. And I know I don't sound very supportive but I'm pregnant and tired myself and having to look after and entertain a 3 year old. I've been supportive for the past 10 years. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm drained. He's exhausting. And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words) but I'm just fed up and I shouldn't be feeling like this when we're having another baby. I'm turning into someone shouty and angry because of him. I'm scared. I'm worried about how he will be when he's sleep deprived. I'm worried he just won't be interested at all and I will have to cope alone (had this a bit when DS was born). I'm also worried about how its effecting DS...I haven't told DH this but DS has been saying things like "daddy's not my best friend because he always shouts at me" or "why does Daddy keep being horrible to Mommy?" and he's been extra cuddly and loving towards me which is unusual because daddy is normally the favourite and doesn't normally want me when he's upset etc. He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

Either give me a good talking to and tell me I'm being ridiculous and unsupportive or just some advice on how to approach this because I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself.

Sorry don't know what happened to the paragraphs, they were there when I wrote it all out.

Bump. Anyone?

Depression does not make a person a horrible abusive bastard. Being a horrible abusive bastard does. It seems he is using the depression diagnosis as an excuse to behave as he wants. And he wants to be a horrible vile bastard. He's not willing to accept any of the help offer which suggests he doesn't see anything wrong with treating you and your dc like crap.

He's already got form for being selfish and dumping all responsibility on you - "had this bit when ds was born". You've been making excuses (under the guise of well intended support and being understanding) for his anger and selfishness for 10 years - bad childhood, adhd etc. He's a grownup and father now. He should be trying to sort himself out. He should want to find a way to not have anger issues etc. But he doesn't want to. Help has been offer and he's refused it. He doesn't want to change.

And don't stick your head in the sand about the effect on your ds. Of course his waking up crying is a result of your dh's behaviour- what else has changed? Do you want your son's partners to be making excuses for HIS anger and selfishness? "Oh, but he had a bad childhood. His father was an angry abusive shouter. His mother pretended that it was all fine, but the family was so dysfunctional that he'd wake up crying as a child."

Ultimatum: Stick with therapy AND take the ads or leave. Stop protecting your partner and start protecting your son and yourself!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none don't you?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here from you two?. Is this really the model he should be seeing here?. No it is not and its not good enough for you either.

Do not stay with someone like your H because if you do you will end up feeling a hell of a lot worse than you are feeling already.

Your H is abusive and is also very much a product of his own abusive upbringing. He would have acted the same regardless of whom he married.

I would now plan your exit from this relationship with great care, your child (as well as your unborn child) will also thank you for doing that. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are worth contacting here. You have rights in law here; exercise those to their fullest extent.

So he is recreating for your DC his own experience as a DC. He refuses to take medication which helps and would rather be abusive and vile and hide behind his diagnosis. Sorry but I wouldn't have my DC around him. The cycle needs to be broken and only he can get the help that he needs - protect your DC

Stop blaming his abuse on depression. Of course he can help it. Abusing your partner and child is not a symptom of depression.

This is domestic abuse.

It is going to cause long-term damage to your children if you force them to live with this.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

I think that is quite obvious.

You're neither ridiculous nor unsupportive, however you can't change or reason with someone who is abusive. It is not something he is doing accidentally. He behaves like this because it works for him and there is nothing you can do to change it, no matter how much you contort yourself or what words you use to beg or reason with him.

The only way within your power to change this is to leave him. I'm sorry.

Depression can make people act funny, but you say some of the anger etc has been there from the start. Even f he has MH problems, you have your limits to what you can take. And your DS shouldn't be saying stuff like that. I think it must be pretty blatant for a child of 3 to be so effected by it that he talks about it.

I would leave IMHO. It's effecting both your mental health and that of your DS.

The thing is though he hasn't been like this for the past 10 years. Although I think you are right that there is a small element of abusive behaviour, I do think a big part of this is the depression. It worries me that he won't accept help, and I have told him this morning that he needs to go back and get the antidepressants from the doctor but he got angry and has thrown his wedding ring across the room and been shouting that that tells him everything he needs to know about me. I mean, what the hell? I've asked him to go out but he won't and tells me I should go out. He just keeps saying I'm unsupportive and he has no one. How can he say he has no one when I've been there for 10 years? I'm the only one who has been there for him in 10 years. He's apparently supported me sooo much and when he's supporting me, whose supporting him? When actually it's the other way around. I support him, so who supports me? I had a difficult last month of pregnancy last time and every time we talk about being supportive to each other, he brings it up like he's mother fucking Teresa. 1 period of time in 10 years he's had to hold me up and do almost everything for me (was bedbound) and he throws it in my face. Forget all the times I've been there for him, supported the job changes, helped with managing debt and paying things off, done everything at home when he's working long hours, listen to him complain about work when he's unhappy etc. I've been quite unwell this time too, but not as bad as last time, just sickness and exhaustion but I'm now thinking it's partly due to the stress from him that is making me feel like this.

Is it normal for depressed people to make their significant other feel like this. I literally can't cope. I can't stop crying today and think I had a panic attack earlier. I feel like he doesn't care.

Yes your husband is clearly harming your DS, making him anxious, more clingy to you, upset....this is a horrible environment to grow up in and will cause him so much harm. You need to step up and remove him from it.
And sorry but yes it sounds as though things will definitely get worse when the new baby arrives, he will be even more abusive (and this is abusive, not poor him depression if he won’t even bother to get help), and he will make life even more shit for all of you.

Don’t put your soon to be two children through this. I’m sorry you are going through this and it will feel hard, but you need to be the responsible parent here and put your children first.

No it’s not normal for depressed people. Depressed people might FEEL like they want to yell and throw things and hurt the people they love....but they don’t, because they don’t want to. Your husband doesn’t care how this affects you. If he did, he wouldn’t act like this towards you.

By the way, I write this as someone who has had/has depression.

The only person this man cares about is his own self. Such men too hate women, all of them.

You cannot answer what you get out of this relationship so I will assume its nothing. So why are you and he still together now?. Staying for the children here is a particularly bad idea; your son is already profoundly affected by what is happening at home and you cannot protect him fully from what is happening to you here within it. Its no sanctuary for him and the sad fact too is that you are not fully emotionally available to him either because your precious headspace is being taken up by your abusive husband.

He has not changed in the 10 years you have known him. He is also very much a product of his own upbringing; did that in itself not make you think twice before marrying him?.

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression. And if people with depression are capable of controlling behavior, then they are also culpable for it.

If you feel responsible for holding your partner’s life together, it’s because they made you feel that way.
Maybe they say things like “You’re the only good thing in my life.” Maybe they lash out at you when they’re having a bad day and blame you for every little thing until you feel as if you’re responsible for their poor mood.

He is not responsible for his depression; it’s an illness that can happen to anyone.

He is absolutely responsible for how he chooses to behave in response to his feelings. He needs to acknowledge the effect his behaviour has on you and your children, and actively take steps to recover (therapy, medication). If he chooses not to do that, that’s up to him but will come with consequences (eg you choosing to prioritise the well-being of 3 people and removing yourselves from the situation, rather than 1 who is prioritising sustaining an unpleasant situation over taking possibly very challenging and uncomfortable steps to actually get better and be a better partner and father.)

In the nicest way possible, what are you expecting or wanting to hear? I don't think anyone is going to tell you that depression makes people abusive, because it's not true. Even if it were, would that be enough in your mind to justify the effect your domestic situation is having on your child?

You've made an awful lot of of excuses for him in your post. Never been happy? Mother didn't bother getting him diagnosed?

You have the power to change this by walking away and taking your poor child with you. The one thing you can't control is his behaviour/actions.

I understand everything you are saying. It wont get better unless he is willing to try the pills and even then its still a stuggle

Your OH appears to be a narcissist Or has narc tendencies.

OP he’s not going to change - or at the very least he’s not going to change whilst you stick around and allow his abhorrent behaviour to continue.

I think you need to separate yourself and son from this, it’s clearly escalating and affecting your son and you’re about to bring a newborn into this. I’d say you need to make some pretty immediate changes and get away from him as es not going to stop draining you and your children.

It’s not normal.
Depression doesn’t make someone abusive.
He’s harming his DS.
He’s harming you.

Do you have family you can go to?

He can be depressed AND an arsehole, my father was.
I’ve no doubt he was genuinely mentally ill with several conditions but he could largely control it and often used his MH as an excuse for his awful behaviour
The main thing here is to protect your children from him as it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for them, you may need to leave or at least plan to

Depression dosn't make you abusive, OP. You, ds and future DC will be far far better off without him.

And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words)

This is just not true. There are many many treatments for depression these days. He CAN help it.

I was depressed for years, I would never have dreamed of treating my partners this way, and if I had, I would fully expect them to leave me.

Also, when you think about the damage this is doing to your son, it really doesn't matter WHY he's abusive. Just like it doesn't matter why your inlaws were abusive to your dh. Do you think when your son is older he'll thank you for staying with his abusive dad because he had depression and 'couldn't help it?'

I'm shocked that everyone agrees that he is abusive rather than just depressed and that does put everything into perspective for me. So thank you.

He's now gone out thankfully so DS and I are doing some colouring. I feel calmer already now that he's gone and it shouldn't be like that should it.

For the poster who asked what I get out of the relationship, when he's not in one of these angry depressive phases, he is fun to be around and he can be very loving and thoughtful. But that seems to be rare these days.

No it is not normal.

And this is not a "small element of abuse".

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Just wanted to say I know where you are coming from and the complex issues. I am in a similar situation, I'm now looking at ways of leaving as I don't know where the depression stops and the arsehole begins. My husband will takes anti depressants but won't engage with any treatment when he is well so we live in this cycle of depression, OK times, back to depression. My kids are older than yours, I really wish I'd left years ago.