Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Can't cope with DH and depression

126 replies

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 09:05

Just for a bit of background, DH and I are both 30, have been together for 10 years. We have 1 DS who is 3.5 and I am due DC2 in May. I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours. Possibly has ADHD but his mother never bothered to get him diagnosed as a child and he doesn't see the point now. He is NC with his entire family due to DV between his parents and towards him as a child and general lack of effort on their part to maintain a relationship with DS. He has a good job now, however has job hopped for a couple of years as he's never been happy. He seems happy where he is now. We have been under a bit of financial pressure for the past year or so due to him job hopping and taking out loans behind my back to cover any shortfall when we wasn't earning much. However, this is looking better now he is on a good wage.

So he was diagnosed with anxiety over a year ago, started talking therapy but stopped going after a few weeks because he thought it was useless and he refused anti depressants. He seemed to feel better for a bit but now thinks he is depressed aswell and has been back to the doctor who has referred him back to therapy and advised to start antidepressants. He's said he will think about it and has to go back in 2 weeks if he wants the prescription.

In the meantime he is absolutely vile. Horrible to be around. He's snappy, shouty, angry, detached, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to play with DS, doesn't want to do anything really and I just can't cope with it. I hate being around him. And I know I don't sound very supportive but I'm pregnant and tired myself and having to look after and entertain a 3 year old. I've been supportive for the past 10 years. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm drained. He's exhausting. And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words) but I'm just fed up and I shouldn't be feeling like this when we're having another baby. I'm turning into someone shouty and angry because of him. I'm scared. I'm worried about how he will be when he's sleep deprived. I'm worried he just won't be interested at all and I will have to cope alone (had this a bit when DS was born). I'm also worried about how its effecting DS...I haven't told DH this but DS has been saying things like "daddy's not my best friend because he always shouts at me" or "why does Daddy keep being horrible to Mommy?" and he's been extra cuddly and loving towards me which is unusual because daddy is normally the favourite and doesn't normally want me when he's upset etc. He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

Either give me a good talking to and tell me I'm being ridiculous and unsupportive or just some advice on how to approach this because I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself.

OP posts:

HampshireMummyof2 · 23/02/2020 15:50

Think about leaving and we have a good spell and I feel guilty for thinking that and what it would do to my DC.

CrazyToast · 23/02/2020 15:57

As someone with long term depression, I can definitely say that while it can make you selfish as you are trying to keep your head above water, it does not make you abusive and it DOES NOT excuse this behaviour. This is abusive and he is using his depression as an excuse. I've often seen it when someone with depression is permitted to behave outrageously because the poor friend or family member thinks they can't help it. But depression doesn't mean you aren't accountable. It doesn't excuse abuse.

maryelizabeth71 · 23/02/2020 15:57

My Dad was/is like this.

He was horrid to me as a child, was horrid to my Mum and still is.

He tries to control her with his moods, makes her feel guilty for going out and refuses to seek any help as unless it involves the simplicity of taking a pill he won’t engage.

Mum says she wishes she had left when I was little...... she has always walked on eggshells and I now do the same in my own relationships.... desperate to keep the peace.

My Dad is in his 70’s

My advice, leave..... he is unlikely to change. Take your children and protect them from a lifetime of flinching when hearing a raised voice.

Sorry you are going though this.

TorkTorkBam · 23/02/2020 15:58

I would demand he moves out for a year, gets whatever help works for him and then you'll see about taking him back. Do not design his therapeutic pathway for him. It has to come from him to work.

You know he won't do it though don't you? He will be all woe is me, never a thought for woe is you because of his choices.

The behaviour you describe is absolutely not depression or similar. It is selfish angry abusive entitled twat. The thing where he mocks you when you are upset or when he has tantrums at the child? Any normal man who did that just the once in a breakdown would remove himself and seek out all the help going. Yours reacts by demanding your total submission to his whims and tantrums.

Your children are learning very bad lessons about their worth, your worth and what behaviour is acceptable from daddies.

averythinline · 23/02/2020 16:44

Your poor ds who has to put up with this man being so shouty and horrible... so much so that you can't even leave the room ... and are glad he's wearing headphones....

If you don't think there's a problem and do something about it he too will be growing up in an abusive household...
And the chances are he too will be abusive ...

I feel for your dh having a crap childhood but he needs to be trying harder to make sure the cycle changes not just replicating his childhood.... having children can be really hard if you have issues from your own childhood.... but

I would suggest you/him leave and if he gets help there maybe a future but otherwise your children will suffer

Embracelife · 23/02/2020 17:02

Look up
Depression fallout
And find some space he moves put for a while
If he takes responsibility pursues treatment you can reconsider

Embracelife · 23/02/2020 17:13

When you have newborn toddler ...well there s little space to look after a grown adult who isnt taking care of his own issues. BTDT ..now ex

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/02/2020 18:05

I’d keep reading here and give him an ultimatum

Start Ad and therapy , or this relationship has no long term legs . This will necessitate a brave and assertive conversation
In the meantime leave the room when he starts on you , remove your child from the room when he starts on him

Get some clarity on legal and finance should it end

I appreciate you are heavily PG so drastic action not feasible , but it’s unacceptable behaviour and will wear you out eventually

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 18:59

So he's come back and given me a letter (because he hates talking) basically explaining the way he's feeling, how he's just really really sad, why he gets so angry, what triggers him, how he feels like his dad sometimes and that makes him even more angry and why he doesn't want to talk about things and burden me because I'm pregnant. He says the new baby is what has triggered this new wave of depression and he keeps going over and over how he's repeatedly let me and DS down with his arseholishness in the past, and how he doesn't want to still be like this when the baby comes. He's said he wants to go back and get the ADs from the doctor.

I don't know what to think of it to be honest. I felt very sad reading it all.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 23/02/2020 19:00

Did he say anything about you in the letter?

TorkTorkBam · 23/02/2020 19:20

Go over the letter. Read each sentence, classify as:

A) poor me (I am so sad)
B) blame elsewhere (triggers, his bad dad, baby blues, pregnancy)
C) promises of trying to not be a dickhead
vs
D) stating concrete actions he has already taken
E) asking what you want
F) suggestions of how he will make things better for you

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 19:34

Yes it's mostly all about how much it's effecting DS and I. Obviously there's still a lot about how he's feeling etc and why he's so sad, but to be honest, that's because he doesn't ever talk to me about his feelings so I don't actually know half of this stuff or why he does the things he does or says the things he says. He says he can change the future and how he acts, and he knows he needs to get help and he will and it's not an option to be like this when the baby comes, . But it's his past behaviour that is really effecting him the most. He says he realises how awful he's been to us and he's sorry. I've read it over and over and I'm just sat here crying. God, I'm so pathetic.

OP posts:

LowcaAndroidow · 23/02/2020 19:42

Would he move out for a few months while he sorts out the ADs and gets on top of things?

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 19:46

I could see if he could go and stay with his best friend but they're short on space and I know his GF doesn't like guests. He genuinely doesn't have anyone else to stay with and we can't afford a hotel or air b&b long term.

OP posts:

LowcaAndroidow · 23/02/2020 19:48

Do you have anywhere else to go? Family?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 19:53

It’s not your problem where he goes ultimately. Do not arrange anything for him.

If he did actually care about either of you he would not have treated you both like he has in the first place.

All his letter is here is an exercise in self pity and is only written because he can perhaps sense that you have finally had enough. I would seriously consider seeking legal advice so you know where you stand, knowledge after all is power.

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 19:54

My parents live round the corner and whilst they could put us up if it was a genuine emergency, DM has recently had a knee replacement and I don't want to stress DF out with us being there (DS is quite full on). I don't think they could manage us for longer than a night or 2. My sister lives further away and whilst she has the space, the distance wouldn't work with DSs nursery and my work hours.

OP posts:

Surfer25 · 23/02/2020 19:54

I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours.

There is your answer.

You have always known he has issues and has always displayed anger and other behaviours.

10 years later and married with children ...no difference

Jeez you were 20. You should have run the other way I did from my nasty selfish bf at that age.

dreamingbohemian · 23/02/2020 19:55

I think you can tell him this is a good start, but now he needs to follow through and go to the doctor.

I would also say if he wants to stop being a dick, that starts now, today. It's not that he gets to keep acting this way for the weeks or months it will take to feel better. From now on there is no shouting, no name calling, no moodiness, etc. If he cannot do that, he needs to move out until he's improved.

Zero tolerance.

Your updates are heartbreaking. I still think you will end up needing to leave but I can understand if you want to give one last chance. But really, do not tolerate any bad behaviour at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 19:58

I think your parents would rather see you and their grandson in their house and thus free from being abused than to remain in this house with your abusive husband.

And if anyone should now leave the family home it is he but he will likely refuse to leave, many abusers do not want to let their chosen targets go that easily.

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 20:00

It was all very low level and quite well hidden for a long time and I didn't know the true extent of his abusive childhood for about 3 or 4 years because he wouldn't talk about it but I knew there was something. It's not the case of he's always been like this if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 23/02/2020 20:00

So now, now when you are at breaking point.

He writes a letter?

Nah. He’s playing you. Skilfully. Push to breaking point. Say what you want to hear. Behave for a few weeks. Slide back to what he wants to do.

Drum2018 · 23/02/2020 20:03

So he has managed to get it out in a letter. That's better than nothing and is fair enough if he feels he cannot speak the words he wrote. How many times have we seen posters make that suggestion to people who's are struggling to communicate.

If he doesn't go to the gp and start taking those pills tomorrow morning then you'll know he's not serious. Tell him to keep writing. Not necessarily to you, but to keep writing down how he is feeling, what is triggering it etc. As this may be something his therapist will ask him to do anyway. And if he is serious about getting help he will go to see one - make that non negotiable. He has to try, for the sake of your family, your marriage, for your sanity and of course for himself.

Original poster

SpiltMilk100 · 23/02/2020 20:05

I'm not going to pin all my hopes on him getting help and magically turning into the person I used to know, I'm not that naive. I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but will basically adopt a "I will believe it when I see it" type attitude.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2020 20:08

His nice/nasty cycle towards both you and your child is a continuous one.

His letter is manipulating you into thinking he will now finally change but this is who he is. He has not changed in all the years you have known him, this is who he has been all the way along. You were only 20 when you met and you had no life experience behind you, he fully used that along with you minimising or simply not recognising his behaviours as abuse here to his full advantage.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6