Can't cope with DH and depression

[SpiltMilk100]

Just for a bit of background, DH and I are both 30, have been together for 10 years. We have 1 DS who is 3.5 and I am due DC2 in May. I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours. Possibly has ADHD but his mother never bothered to get him diagnosed as a child and he doesn't see the point now. He is NC with his entire family due to DV between his parents and towards him as a child and general lack of effort on their part to maintain a relationship with DS. He has a good job now, however has job hopped for a couple of years as he's never been happy. He seems happy where he is now. We have been under a bit of financial pressure for the past year or so due to him job hopping and taking out loans behind my back to cover any shortfall when we wasn't earning much. However, this is looking better now he is on a good wage.

So he was diagnosed with anxiety over a year ago, started talking therapy but stopped going after a few weeks because he thought it was useless and he refused anti depressants. He seemed to feel better for a bit but now thinks he is depressed aswell and has been back to the doctor who has referred him back to therapy and advised to start antidepressants. He's said he will think about it and has to go back in 2 weeks if he wants the prescription.

In the meantime he is absolutely vile. Horrible to be around. He's snappy, shouty, angry, detached, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to play with DS, doesn't want to do anything really and I just can't cope with it. I hate being around him. And I know I don't sound very supportive but I'm pregnant and tired myself and having to look after and entertain a 3 year old. I've been supportive for the past 10 years. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm drained. He's exhausting. And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words) but I'm just fed up and I shouldn't be feeling like this when we're having another baby. I'm turning into someone shouty and angry because of him. I'm scared. I'm worried about how he will be when he's sleep deprived. I'm worried he just won't be interested at all and I will have to cope alone (had this a bit when DS was born). I'm also worried about how its effecting DS...I haven't told DH this but DS has been saying things like "daddy's not my best friend because he always shouts at me" or "why does Daddy keep being horrible to Mommy?" and he's been extra cuddly and loving towards me which is unusual because daddy is normally the favourite and doesn't normally want me when he's upset etc. He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

Either give me a good talking to and tell me I'm being ridiculous and unsupportive or just some advice on how to approach this because I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself.

Hey, what? He has been utterly vile recently and you asked him this morning what else you can do to help him? Good god woman. Find your self respect. He should be asking that of you! "I know I've been a pain in the ass spilt what can I do to make things easier for you?"

Get up off the floor. Stop being a doormat.

What did your H learn about relationships when he was growing up?
Your H saw domestic violence between his parents when he was growing up and he has continued to repeat this with you people now. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Abuse as well often ramps up further after pregnancy and or the birth of the first child. His actions are all about power and control. He does not take the anti d's because he feels he does not need them and he is not depressed in the ways you think he is. He sees you as the scapegoat for all his inherent ills and blames you as a female like he blames his mother. He really does hate women, all of them. Please take heed.

How can you be helped yourself into leaving your abuser?. No-one here has advised you to stay with him.

The thing is, depression and anxiety can make you snappy, short tempered and difficult to be around. But if you are struggling with your health to the extent that it’s affecting your child and spouse, you should be doing everything in your power to address it - in this case, taking the meds and not giving up on therapy. He can’t help being depressed but he’s not even trying to sort it out.

Thank you for sharing DaughterOfHekate I hope things start looking better for you.

Op this is the main reason my ex DH is an ex.
He wouldn't get help, wouldn't take his AD's when I finally made him see the GP after 2 years of similar vile behaviour towards me and DD.
He used to throw things, punch walls and spew abuse about people he didn't even know.
It was a huge relief when I finally got rid of him

That's kind of been my view up to now SinkGirl that he can't help having had a shitty childhood and being depressed etc but you're right if that was me I'd be doing everything to try and get better. Up until now I hadn't really considered him to be abusive.

I don't know Attila I haven't really thought about leaving him to be honest (until today) because I've felt sorry for him and obligated (guilted?) to stay and look after him...in sickness and in health n all that bullshit. I think if he can show he's making steps to get better then things might work, if he still refuses or even if he does the ADs and therapy and is still an arsehole, then obviously he was just an arsehole all along and I can leave knowing I gave him a chance.

This post has come at a point in my relationship where I am re evaluating what I need. My partner is self employed on his own and gets very stressed with work. By his own admission he thinks he is depressed and does not want to get help. He shouts, gets angry, feels like the whole world is against him if something does not go right or the way he wants it to be and I feel like he takes it all out on me. I am empty now and just feel like crying all the time.

Sorry to hear you're going through this too Hampshire it's a horrible position to be in isn't it. Are you planning on leaving?

Being depressed doesn’t mean you go around. Stamping and shouting at people or at least not in my experience. It’s an internal battle.
He is being abusive, your child is getting worried and frightened, and you both are stepping on eggshells scared of how he will react, your home isn’t feeling a happy safe place for your child
I think you are making allowances for him that have become a get out clause for him to seek the help he and your family needs if it’s to continue as a unit
Your husband is turning into his dad an abusive bully and you need to stop the cycle for your child
I’m sorry he is depressed but he’s now using it as an excuse for all of his behaviour and that is unhealthy
It’s up to you to stop enabling him, even if that means he has to leave your home

He grew up in an abusive household where there was violence between parents.

At best, this has caused him long term mental health issues.
At worse, this has caused him to replicate the behaviour and become abusive himself.

Either way, your child is already being affected by his behaviour. He's clinging to you, crying, making comments about Daddy not loving him etc etc.

If you don't want your children to grow up and be third generation fuck ups, you need to stop this cycle of abuse and messed up childhoods and protect them before the damage is done.

You are right that he cannot help having a shitty childhood. But he CAN control how he deals with that as an adult.

A number of my close friends had truly shitty childhoods, with violence and abandonment and all sorts, but they have still managed to overcome that and be decent people. It is hard and they are not perfect, but they are nothing like your husband. A shitty childhood is not a get out of jail free card, allowing you to be a prick for the rest of your life.

I can imagine that if you had a good family and upbringing, it is natural to feel sorry for him and think he can't really help it. But plenty of us come from difficult families and are not abusive. He is actually making a choice here.

The most likely explanation is that he is used to being the centre of things and the main focus of your attention and support, and resents the changes since DC was born.

you both are stepping on eggshells scared of how he will react

You're so right. It's got to the point that I don't really like going out with him incase something sets him off. And the way he speaks to me or DS is horrible and embarrassing when he's on one. Even the way he speaks to random people he doesn't even know can be very rude and abrupt. It's highly embarrassing. He never used to be like this. I feel like I'm grieving for the person he used to be.

I think because he doesn't hit me or DS he doesn't think that he is abusive or like his dad at all and I think if I told him his behaviour was abusive he would literally laugh in my face and tell me not to be so ridiculous.

Another thing he also can't handle and will get angry about is when I get upset. If we argue and I cry because he's said something hurtful, he will repeatedly ask why I'm crying and call me a baby. This morning when I was crying he kept saying what are you doing, go upstairs if you're going to cry like a baby. The truth is I didn't get want to leave him alone with DS (who was wearing headphones so didn't really hear what was going on) because I knew he'd end up shouting at him for something minor like interrupting a stupid game on his phone to ask him to play with him.

"I think if he can show he's making steps to get better then things might work, if he still refuses or even if he does the ADs and therapy and is still an arsehole, then obviously he was just an arsehole all along and I can leave knowing I gave him a chance".

Your marriage has not worked for the last decade and it will not either because at heart he remains abusive towards you and in turn your child. A child who is also picking up all too clearly on what is happening at home, poor child. You are not able to protect him fully from your H's abuses of you and in turn him.

He has already refused ADs and therapy (not that he would ever willingly attend that in any case) on more than one occasion now. Please do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy either; what you are forgetting here is that the damage has already been done. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He will not have an epiphany of any sort.

He has had more than enough opportunity over the years and he keeps on throwing it all back at you by making you his personal scapegoat for all his inherent ills. THIS is who he is; he is an abusive man who also saw abuse in his own childhood. He likely blames his mother more than his dad here for all that. You are now in that position too; he blames you for what he saw.

What did you learn about relationships here when you were growing up?. You're probably codependent (his needs however, are not more important than yours) and a people pleaser when it comes to relationships and both states really do you no favours at all. Examine through counselling exactly how it is you ended up with this man in the first place and unlearn the crap and damaging stuff you have learn about relationships along the way.

You have a choice re this man ultimately; your children do not and they will have to follow your lead. What do you want them to remember about their childhoods?. This?.

What do you want your children to think of you as their mother? If you really do love your kids and want to put them first, then you and he will have to be apart permanently. There is no other option. Your own recovery from his abuses of you has in no way started yet because you are still together and it could well take a long time, years even now, for you to recover from his abuses of you.

What he presented to you was an act and one he could never hope to at all maintain. What you are seeing in he now is who he really is.

Abuse is not just physical; there are many types of abuse and your H is emotionally abusive towards you. Abuse is about power and control; this man wants absolute over you and your child. Your as yet unborn child will be treated the same as his/her sibling already is. Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear; you are certainly in a fearful state around him and modify your own behaviours so as to try not to set him off.

What did you learn about relationships here when you were growing up?

Well my DM and DF have been together for 35 years. And although not without their own faults, I think they have set a good example to me and my sister. They stick together and support each other like a married couple should.

What do you want them to remember about their childhoods? This? What do you want your children to think of you as their mother?

When you put it like that, I guess I want them to feel like I protected them and did everything with their best interests at heart. Being with an abusive arsehole is not doing that and not what I want them to remember of their childhoods.

I would tell him to deal with it properly and consistently for a year or I would leave

As a therapist I would never go out with anyone who didn't treat their mental health issues

Pretty much the same as living with someone with a gangrenous infected cock who didn't get it treated

Pretty much the same as living with someone with a gangrenous infected cock who didn't get it treated

Thanks for that lively image Laurie 😂

In you opinion as a therapist, does it sound like he's just an arsehole or could it actually be the depression?

I'm questioning everything now.

It doesn't matter which 🤷‍♀️

What matters is YOU. Why should you live with someone who refuses to treat their issues (imagined or real).

The longer you stay with the arsehole the more damage it will do to your child. He deserves better than that.

I have been a mental health nurse for 34 years. You are not describing severe depression, you are describing emotional dysregulation with persistent low mood. He is in control of his actions and choices and could choose to address his issues with therapy. His behaviour will impact on your dc and their emotional development.

I'm living with a DH with depression and it can be hard BUT he seeks help (medication/therapy) and knows how to maintain his mental health e.g. Exercise

One bad episode DH was really verbally abusive - not like him - he went straight to Dr and got his medication changed & was very apologetic

I knew he wasn't himself - thinking how i could leave after the w/end - hiwever, he took responsibility for himself and has never done that again

If we argue and I cry because he's said something hurtful, he will repeatedly ask why I'm crying and call me a baby.

This is just nasty and hypocritical. What do you think would be his reaction if you said the same to him? Find your anger OP. How dare he treat you and your little boy like this?