Can't cope with DH and depression

[SpiltMilk100]

Just for a bit of background, DH and I are both 30, have been together for 10 years. We have 1 DS who is 3.5 and I am due DC2 in May. I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours. Possibly has ADHD but his mother never bothered to get him diagnosed as a child and he doesn't see the point now. He is NC with his entire family due to DV between his parents and towards him as a child and general lack of effort on their part to maintain a relationship with DS. He has a good job now, however has job hopped for a couple of years as he's never been happy. He seems happy where he is now. We have been under a bit of financial pressure for the past year or so due to him job hopping and taking out loans behind my back to cover any shortfall when we wasn't earning much. However, this is looking better now he is on a good wage.

So he was diagnosed with anxiety over a year ago, started talking therapy but stopped going after a few weeks because he thought it was useless and he refused anti depressants. He seemed to feel better for a bit but now thinks he is depressed aswell and has been back to the doctor who has referred him back to therapy and advised to start antidepressants. He's said he will think about it and has to go back in 2 weeks if he wants the prescription.

In the meantime he is absolutely vile. Horrible to be around. He's snappy, shouty, angry, detached, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to play with DS, doesn't want to do anything really and I just can't cope with it. I hate being around him. And I know I don't sound very supportive but I'm pregnant and tired myself and having to look after and entertain a 3 year old. I've been supportive for the past 10 years. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm drained. He's exhausting. And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words) but I'm just fed up and I shouldn't be feeling like this when we're having another baby. I'm turning into someone shouty and angry because of him. I'm scared. I'm worried about how he will be when he's sleep deprived. I'm worried he just won't be interested at all and I will have to cope alone (had this a bit when DS was born). I'm also worried about how its effecting DS...I haven't told DH this but DS has been saying things like "daddy's not my best friend because he always shouts at me" or "why does Daddy keep being horrible to Mommy?" and he's been extra cuddly and loving towards me which is unusual because daddy is normally the favourite and doesn't normally want me when he's upset etc. He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

Either give me a good talking to and tell me I'm being ridiculous and unsupportive or just some advice on how to approach this because I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself.

And yes I do have family I can go to, my parents live just round the corner. I would ask him to leave but whenever I have done in the past he just gets all woe is me about it because he has no family to go to.

The funny thing is that not too long ago we were discussing his friend who is depressed (but is actually accepting help) and some of the things he was saying we're quite horrible and now I just think, how can you mock your friend for being depressed and doing something about it when you won't? He was laughing about how his friend won't cope with another baby (has a DC same age as ours and his DW has not long found out she is expecting again) and now I just think that must be how he feels, that he won't cope but won't admit it. And he's been quite uninterested so far, which had upset me.

I struggle with the fact that he wants support but won't talk to me about how he's feeling or why, so how can I support him?

With everyone saying he's abusive, does anyone think it's even giving him a chance to take the antidepressants and go to therapy and see if things get better or should I just call it's quits now?

You ds is growing up thinking that this is what a family is, that this is how we treat the people we love. Men shout and frighten people, women are shouted at, scared and helpless. Growing up in a house with dv, your DH witnessed the same thing, which is why now, when things have got tough, he's reverted to that kind of behaviour, because to him it's acceptable, he learnt in childhood that this is how you treat the people you love.

You need to protect yourself and your child, not just in the short term, but you need to make sure your Ds isn't going to grow up thinking this is normal.

I stayed and I regret it, he has to want to get better himself and tbh I think we are at fault a bit as we enable them to continue behaving how they do, someone said to me why should he change, he does exactly as he wants and knows that I will be there to pick up the pieces.

I don't think anyone would blame you for walking away now. If you want to give it one last try and tell him its ADs and treatment or the marriage is over, you can try I guess.

Do your family know what he's like?

Call it quits and make plans asap to leave him. There is really no other option here.

Do not go into any form of joint counselling with an abusive man; no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you anyway together due to the abuse he metes out.

He is not open to therapy, he really does think he is doing nothing wrong with regards to you or your son.

What do your parents think of your situation or have you not told them the full extent to which you are all being abused by him?.

He does not want your help or support; besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him here. All this man wants is someone to blame like his mother before you. This man hates women, all of them.

Counselling for your own self and without him present is a must do.
Did you envisage this for your own self when you were growing up; just how did you arrive at this low point in your life?.

My family don't know the true extent of what he can be like, however they are aware of his childhood (his DM used to cut my DMs hair so they used to talk) and that he has some anger issues and can be quite moody. He doesn't like to spend much time with them anymore. I think he resents me having such a supportive family and that I have had a good upbringing (no abuse, no financial difficulty, SAHM, DF with a good job etc) and he tries to pick fault with them.

Did you envisage this for your own self when you were growing up
I think this is why I couldn't stop crying earlier. This is not what I imagined my life to be like. I feel like I am being a bit me me me about this but I really feel overwhelmed and stressed to the eyeballs. I've already had 7 separate periods of sickness off work and I have a meeting tomorrow morning about it (more about wellbeing not about managing my sickness or anything), but I really feel like going off sick again, as I just can't face it with all this going on at home, even though I've just had a week off to half term. I have quite a stressful job that if I'm not concentrating properly, someone could me killed and I don't need that shit in my life on top of all of this.

Then for a start, I think you should tell your family everything and let them support you. Then you can decide what to do.

You only get one life. You've already given this man your twenties, don't give him your thirties.

Your son is only 3 years old and is already showing how badly he is being damaged by his vile abusive father. You need to protect him and either move out or kick your so called "D"H out. You need to protect yourself too. You both deserve better than this.

And no having mental health issues does not turn you into an arsehole.

I will do dreaming I guess I just didn't want to burden them with what's going on. My DM has recently had knee replacement surgery and my DGF has been in and out of hospital too so my DF is stressed enough himself trying look after DM and juggle work and making sure that DGF is looked after, and stress is not good for him (like he could actually die if he gets too stressed) so don't want to add more. But I will definitely talk to my parents and my sister.

He sounds like an utter prick OP

DS and the baby are my main concern in all of this. And you are right it is not a good environment. I never really considered him to be abusive and out most of his behaviour down to being depressed/anxious. That's probably really naive but I have no experience whatsoever of depression or anxiety.

You have to give yourself a reality check.

does anyone think it's even giving him a chance to take the antidepressants and go to therapy and see if things get better

Your posts above say he's had offers of this a few times. You say you have encouraged him to do it. He gets angry and refuses. He does not want the chance to get better. He mocks people who do want to change. He's OK with things as they are.

Look at your life since you first got pregnant. Look at all the actions, all the things that were done with a physical effect, from dinner being made, sitting watching tv, playing with a child. Imagine you had to write a dispassionate description of your home life so robots could re-enact it. Leave out all emotions and excuses. What do you see?

He sounds to me like a selfish entitled twat who is depressed after having children because they detract from you pandering to his every need and he is expected to do stuff. He's not in the slightest bit interested in reducing depression so he can do more. He wants you to "treat" his depresssion by letting him be more selfish. It seems like he gets angry when you challenge that concept. Bog standard selfish entitled bully man aka abusive.

@TorkTorkBam you've just described my husband 😔 I've made excuses for him for years.

Maybe talk to your sister first then? I think it will help a lot.

I don't think you've been naive. There's been a lot of progress in making people more understanding of mental illness, but unfortunately there is this very pervasive idea in society today that depression excuses really vile behaviour. It doesn't. It might explain it, but nothing justifies abusing your wife and child. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

To be fair Tork today is the first time I've actually pushed regarding the antidepressants and said I think he should take them. I've known he's been reluctant to take them since the doctor first suggested them so I haven't pressed him on it further when he's said he doesn't want to.

But I think you are right about him being a selfish twat who is depressed since having a child. That's definitely when things took a downward spiral and I don't remember things being as bad before DS.

I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself

Have you noticed that you repeatedly rank his mental health problems above yours. You give, he takes. Him feeling bad means he gets therapy, he is allowed to be aggressive, he is allowed to be awful to his children. You feeling bad means, er, what? You have to swallow it down to make space for him to use up all the oxygen. Not OK. His behaviour has made you anxious, angry and depressed. Cut yourself the same slack as you cut him. Be a lot more selfish.

I had one like that too, OP.

Years of recurrent depression, never saw GP or had treatment. Didn't tell me before I moved in.

Years of me living with someone disengaged, not pulling their weight, who was snappy, irritable & I was walking on eggshells. Me supporting him through lengthy periods of time when he was off sick, not working.

Having to literally parent him as he couldn't function as an adult with normal responsibilities.

In the end, it was the boiling frog analogy & I'd had enough.

We're in the process of splitting up & it's a huge relief. Shit for the kids, but I couldn't continue on through life doing all the adulting.

Him not wanting treatment says it all to me.

From what you've written he wants you to give him the easy life, pandering to his every need without a hint of complaint, children shall have no negative impact upon his life. Then he'll feel better. That's his game plan. Being more equal is not his goal - well from what you've written there is no indication he wants equality.

OP depression does not give the right to bully you. Typical attitude when you ask him to leave, making it all about his issues not making a change.
Does he smoke weed OP. He patterns of behaviour sound like it, I wouldn't blame his DM for not getting him assessed if he is 30, back then only the severe got assessed.
Thing's won't get better unless he makes a change.

Having to literally parent him as he couldn't function as an adult with normal responsibilities

This strikes a cord with me. I always say I feel like his mom, especially when it comes to money etc. I've literally had to take control of everything to ensure bills and debts are paid otherswise they snowball.
When I asked him this morning how I can help him he said "forget it I will sort it myself". I said HA! Because that's always worked out well for you hasn't it. And the look on his face was as if to say "I literally have no idea what you're talking about". He clearly doesn't see it.

No he doesn't smoke weed Emerald.

If his behaviour got worse after your DS was born then it’s only going to be even worse after you have a second child to cater for.. He will be even more put out that no one is taking care of him..

I'm sorry you're going through this @spiltmilk100 there were so many similarities to your story but recognised myself in the description of your DH 😢

I too have depression and anger issues stemming from childhood trauma and find it really hard to regulate my emotions and reactions.

Like your husband I've been VERY reluctant to go down the AD route as this is just a band aid over a festering wound but it's taking AAAAaages to get to talking therapy via NHS and I'm in such a deep hole the self help CBT hasn't really worked

It was the realisation that my behaviour is severely impacting on my child that's finally prompted me to go down the medication route while I'm on the wait list for therapy.

The side effects have been grueling and feel even more suicidal than before but my DC is the only thing keeping me here

Oh and I also ended the relationship recently as could see DH was miserable and couldn't bear inflicting more pain on him plus needed my own space to heal without the added pressure of being in a relationship

psychcentral.com/blog/why-so-angry-irritable-it-might-be-depression/

I know Babooshkar which is why I really want him to address this now. I want to be able to enjoy the newborn baby stage unlike last time.