Can't cope with DH and depression

[SpiltMilk100]

Just for a bit of background, DH and I are both 30, have been together for 10 years. We have 1 DS who is 3.5 and I am due DC2 in May. I've always suspected he had some sort of MH issues due to his anger and other behaviours. Possibly has ADHD but his mother never bothered to get him diagnosed as a child and he doesn't see the point now. He is NC with his entire family due to DV between his parents and towards him as a child and general lack of effort on their part to maintain a relationship with DS. He has a good job now, however has job hopped for a couple of years as he's never been happy. He seems happy where he is now. We have been under a bit of financial pressure for the past year or so due to him job hopping and taking out loans behind my back to cover any shortfall when we wasn't earning much. However, this is looking better now he is on a good wage.

So he was diagnosed with anxiety over a year ago, started talking therapy but stopped going after a few weeks because he thought it was useless and he refused anti depressants. He seemed to feel better for a bit but now thinks he is depressed aswell and has been back to the doctor who has referred him back to therapy and advised to start antidepressants. He's said he will think about it and has to go back in 2 weeks if he wants the prescription.

In the meantime he is absolutely vile. Horrible to be around. He's snappy, shouty, angry, detached, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to play with DS, doesn't want to do anything really and I just can't cope with it. I hate being around him. And I know I don't sound very supportive but I'm pregnant and tired myself and having to look after and entertain a 3 year old. I've been supportive for the past 10 years. I just don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm drained. He's exhausting. And I know it's the depression and he can't help it and he can't think about how its effecting me and DS (all his words) but I'm just fed up and I shouldn't be feeling like this when we're having another baby. I'm turning into someone shouty and angry because of him. I'm scared. I'm worried about how he will be when he's sleep deprived. I'm worried he just won't be interested at all and I will have to cope alone (had this a bit when DS was born). I'm also worried about how its effecting DS...I haven't told DH this but DS has been saying things like "daddy's not my best friend because he always shouts at me" or "why does Daddy keep being horrible to Mommy?" and he's been extra cuddly and loving towards me which is unusual because daddy is normally the favourite and doesn't normally want me when he's upset etc. He's also started waking up crying in the night the past few days and I'm concerned it's because of DHs behaviour because he's never done it before.

Either give me a good talking to and tell me I'm being ridiculous and unsupportive or just some advice on how to approach this because I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself.

He did start writing things down before but stopped after a bit. I will suggest it again. The previous therapist used to send him home with almost like what I can only describe as work sheets we used to get at school for homework and he would put it down somewhere and forget about it. I will make sure he does them this time.

Your DH is a wanker, OP.

Stop making excuses for why he is like he is.

I had a crap childhood, and was left deeply scarred by my parents and their behaviours.

Do I abuse my DH and my DC as a result? Do I hell. I appreciate my life every day for having broken the toxic cycle that my parents created.

You're very naive if you think your DC will thank you for their lives with him in it. Very naive. They may end up hating you just as much as they hate him.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt is a mistake and likely a behaviour you have already done before now for your own reasons. Why are you doing this, is it because it is somehow easier for you to still think all this from him is due to his ongoing supposed depression?.

The person he was is a mirage, an act designed to draw you in. I have no doubt at all that you were targeted deliberately by him because he sensed you also felt sorry for him. You perhaps thought at the time that you could love him better.

What toria70 wrote.

Your children will not thank you or say thanks mum for staying with him if you choose to do so and your relationship with them as adults could become very much non existent. They could call you daft for staying with him for what are really your own reasons and they could also go on to accuse you of putting this man before them.

In the gentlest way OP you need to start putting yourself first.

Already you are talking about making sure he does the worksheets. You will have two dc to take care of, you shouldnt have to make a grown man do his therapy work.

If he will not do a simple worksheet, then everything he said in that letter is meaningless.

I understand why you said that, you have a mental habit to support him no matter what. It is a habit you have to break. CBT can be very good for this.

he will still be damaging your DS
whilst you keep giving him chances/helping write stuff down...
thats alls well and good for him but it is still damaging your child at the expense of you standing up for him? i'm not saying its easy but that is the nub of it you are sacrificing DS ...and newborn too...
how far is your sisters? is it really too far to commute..when do you start matleave ?
his issues are likely to be so ingrained that it will take time for his treatment/if when that happens to actually make him a fit parent ...

I will make sure he does them this time
If he only does them because you make him then it has already failed.

I recommend doing absolutely bloody nothing to make life easier for him at your own expense. Tell him you won't be mothering him any more. Behave towards him like he's a mature adult not and idiot pitiable child. See if he steps up or tantrums what about meeeee. This will be the test. Right now he is at peak wanting to change. Excellent. Get of those eggshells and act like a normal person.

Then write him a letter back
Say this has to change
And tell him you are at breaking point
And tell him it’s both Medication and therapy and the cycle needs to break

Good luck OP

Maybe it is time to prioritise your own mental health. How about you get some counselling?

I recommend doing absolutely bloody nothing to make life easier for him at your own expense

You're actually so right about this. It's force of habit. Thinking I have to mother him to get him to do things. He should want to help himself and do whatever it takes without me needing to do anything at all.

I think I would benefit from some counselling myself and will look at how to go about it. I might be able to access some through work. I'm going to speak to my supervisor and might have to go off sick again to take some time to de-stress and look after my own MH.

OP, I certainly don't want to add to your burden and distress with my words.

But, there is too much of your posts about this nasty, vicious, abusive man who is hiding behind being sad and depressed.

I think you should be completely focused on what is best for the little boy who is so distressed he's crying in his sleep.

Utterly heartbreaking.

This is so serious and is so terribly damaging for him.

Your son, this little helpless child knows your husband is a complete prick.

You need to tell you family and friends and get him out of your house.

You are a mother....your children have to come first, ahead of this selfish man who has misled you and taken 10 years of your life.

Get him out.

Protect your little boy who is so distressed he is crying in his sleep.

Wishing you strength.

I could have written your post OP.

DH and I have been together since we were 19. We're both now 46.
He has had anxiety and depression his whole life.
He had a stable and loving home life, horrific bullying at school.
It has affected everything since.

In our early twenties I was genuinely worried that he would have to be sectioned under the mental act. He didn't cope with much despite doing fine in life, setting up his own business etc. All he could see was how much better everyone else we knew was doing (financially, which was what he obsessed about).

He eventually went to the GP who put him on the waiting list to see a psychologist. He waited 3 years. This exacerbated his depression and anger. He developed a physical tic from the anxiety.

He got his 6 NHS sessions with the psychologist and did start to make a little progress. The psychologist referred him back to the GP for anti depressants. He took them for several years. Things definitely improved. We had 3 DC. If he forgot to arrange his prescription in time and there was gap, I definitely knew about it, he was awful.
The GP was keen to meet targets and get DH off anti depressants so basically made him go in and beg for them.

DH decided to wean himself off ADs and find a counsellor and pay for it himself. He has spent many, many years with this counsellor now and worked very hard at changing things. I applaud him for this, it hasn't been easy. However, he spent many years trying to progress but simply was not coping.

Out marriage was absolutely intolerable. Many things said in your op were exactly my experience. It took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I was going to have to leave with the DC and I started to make an exit plan.

Our communication was non-existant. He seemed unable to see my point of view as he was so mired in his own anxiety/depression/mental pain. I closed down as a mental self defence mechanism and tried to get on with protecting the DC and just trying to get through the days.

We made a bit of a breakthrough in communication. DH somehow got the feeling that I was planning to leave (things were very bad at that time). I had done a lot of reading over the years around DH's mental health problems and had thought he needed to go back on ADs if only for the short term to try and level out a bit.
He agreed to go back to the GP who was very supportive at this time and issued a prescription for ADs.
Before DH filled said prescription he went to his counsellor and talked it through. The counsellor was not a fan of ADs and thought that the problems would all still be there and not resolved, that he just had to keep on working on them.
DH threw the prescription away. He continued counselling. Nothing improved. We limped on, I'd lost the momentum to leave in the hope that we could change things. I fucking cursed the counsellor. She didn't have to live with him. I did.

Somewhere in the meantime DH had read an article online about SSRIs being a load of bollocks and the the placebo effect.
I had read differently but what did I know? I'm not a mental health professional. He wouldn't take it from me.

DH eventually stumbled upon an article about persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia). It basically described his whole life. It means that he needs ADs permanently. His brain chemistry doesn't work without them.
I already knew this.

He went back to the GP who had never heard of it but was open to listening and agreed to give ADs another try.

He went to his counsellor who had also never heard of it.
He still works with her on a regular basis. I have no idea how much he has spent over the many years.

The result though is that he is unrecognisable now from the angry depressed arsehole he was at one time.
He is very loving, patient, attentive, tolerant, a great dad. A different person.
This is not only the ADs, he has worked hard on this and does every day.

It has taken a long time to settle into this new way of life. For a long time I was waiting for the regression and to have to prepare for flight again.
We are now happier than we've ever been.

OP, I don't know what to advise really. This is just how it turned out for me. If I had ever posted any of this on MN before then it would have been a resounding LTB from every responder (I've been on MN for more than 15 years now, I know well enough how this is viewed). Perhaps if I'd had the courage and got my shit together sooner I'd have gone.

If your DH is willing to get the appropriate help and support, perhaps there is a way through.

I wish you all the best OP.

Sorry that was so long.

Hi OP, sorry to hear of your difficulties. I have my own thread going on this board - some of the ways you describe your husband sounds similar to my own.

My H does take antidepressants - he wouldn't be able to cope without them. He won't bother with talking therapies though, which I would really like him to consider. Like your husband, he finds it difficult (and annoying) to discuss feelings. Emotions make him feel angry.

As wives, we get used to smoothing things over, dealing with everything, trying to have a normal family life. It becomes our normal. But at what cost to ourselves?

I'm a bit older than you are, you really do have time on your side.

Sorry, hit send too soon.

The difference between my situation and yours is that there's a clearcut boundary that's been crossed - and that is that your H's behaviour is not just impacting on you, it's visibly affecting your son.

I have said to my own H in the past when he's snapped at our child - you can shout at me, I can stick up for myself. But not at him - he's just a child.

You are a very capable and brave person and your eggshelling around this nitwit has allowed your relationship to totter on but now you need support he is unwilling to help himself or you.

Please plan your exit and dont stay with him for another 10 years enabling his behaviour.

Please listen to what PP have said and stop making this about your H. He's an adult – your DS is not. Your DS needs you to protect him – he is already being damaged by your H's behavior and he can't protect himself – he needs you to do it. It can only get worse when your baby is born.

Your H's behaviour absolutely is abusive – it may have been what he learnt growing up but he is choosing to repeat it. It's not an inevitability either because of his history or his MH issues. The fact that awareness of MH issues is becoming so prominent now is great but from the number of threads I read on MN describing abusive partners who claim to be depressed, I think that a lot of abusers are using MH issues as an excuse to behave like b*stards towards their families. My DH went through a period of deep depression and he withdrew into himself – he didn't use it as an excuse for treating everyone around him like utter sh1t.

Your DH has refused all offers of help up till now because it suits him to throw his weight around and bully everyone else in the household into doing what he wants and letting him behave how he wants rather than take any responsibility for sorting himself out and behave like a proper spouse and father. It's keeping you fixated on him rather than looking after your toddler DS and yourself. Your 3 yr old DS has clearly already been quite badly damaged by your H's behaviour. It's got to stop. Please get your H or your DS and yourself out of the house. As for the letter – so what: he may sense he's losing his grip on you and he's casting around for ways to keep you ensnared. In itself, it's nowhere near enough.

Frankly, from what you have described, I think you may well have grounds for a non-molestation order which, if granted, would require your DH to keep a certain distance away from you and the house for a certain period of time. If you speak to the NCDV (www.ncdv.org.uk/), they can explain the process to you and perhaps refer you to a law firm to help you with drafting the papers, free of charge.

Perhaps your H would leave the family home for now without a court order. It should of course be him who goes. It doesn't necessarily have to be permanent but he needs to spend a serious period of time getting himself sorted before he is able to live with you again – if that ever happens. Ultimately, you're not helping your H by letting him get away with this sh1tty behavior. You're enabling him at great cost to you and your DS.

Please talk to your family and friends IRL – you will need RL support and I'm sure your family would far rather be given the chance to support you with this rather than not. Your H may become violent if he realises you’re not going to back down: it may make sense to have another adult around for the impending tricky discussions.

Also, if you have the chance, you may find it helpful to read 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood and 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.

What BlaBlaBlahBlah has described, is someone who was willing to work at their mental health issues. Even though it was a long, hard road.

OP, now that your DH is acknowledged he's being an arsehole, the proof of the pudding is whether he's really willing to put the work in to change. And it has to come from him (not from you reminding him to do his homework).

If he doesn't go to the GP for pills, and if he doesn't do his therapists' homework, and if he doesn't really try at home... well, that's your answer.

Hi there SpiltMilk, I am sorry for what you're going through.I can totally relate to you as I'm in a very similar situation.My partner and I have been together for 5 years,and he was diagnosed with depression soon after we met.He tried many different things including talking therapy,hypnotherapy ,diet and supplements and he is on medication.He improved a lot and last year was a very good year,his symptoms almost disappeared and he was a completely different person.In the past he behaved very similarly to your husbabd- shouting,angry outbursts,blaming me for everything,horrible to be around,and he could not tolerate any stress.Our daughter was born 3 months ago,and his depression flared up soon after she was born...it's been a nightmare,especially recently.He is a caring,loving and devoted father though,but I feel he can't deal with the stresses and changes with a baby.Her crying and colic makes it worse,and I simply can't deal with his mood swings with my sleep deprivation and postnatal recovery...I am also worried his shouting affects our baby,and I firmly refuse to discuss anything in front of her now.I get the blame for everything,and as I have read several books about depression and have met a few people whose partner suffered,I can confirm these symptoms can definitely be caused by depression.Depression comes in many different forms,and you can't say:'this is not depression'.We know better,as we live with them.I know that when he is not in this state,he is a completely different person,and he is often ashamed and embarrassed after he behaved badly.He is trying to help it and control it,but I feel it will take a long time,as our baby is only tiny,and there is no proper routine yet...I am also worried about our future but I'd like it to work as a family and the solution should not always be:'just leave him'. It is really hard,and I feel it's important we stick together.I can't tell friends and my family is far away,I have no help.He only has a brother but he's not telling him about his problems,so I feel really stuck...if you'd like to talk private,don't hesitate to message me! Take care,K.

kitty are you on glue? How on earth can you describe that as the behaviour of a caring,loving and devoted father?

You are deep in denial and compartmentalisation. You say he is a good man if you exclude all the massively bad stuff he does.

Um, no, that is not how you decide whether someone is good for you or not.

Have you heard of codependency?

You sound like a very caring person, and like you’ve been caring for him for a long time, and sacrificing your own needs because of that. I was in a nine year relationship with my 3.5 year old’s father, and this all sounds so familiar. We split up in September because he had a series of paranoid delusional breakdowns over the summer. Life is difficult, but so much better than living with that relationship. He never even raised his voice at our son, but I can see that DS is happier and healthier out of that relationship, because I’m happier and more able to be present.

Please look at the Freedom Programme, and also at the book Women who Love too Much. It’s about the need we can feel to ‘rescue’ damaged men.

Depression is not an excuse for abuse. In my ex’s case, he isn’t even aware he has MH problems, and it’s still not ok. Your DH knows he needs treatment and is not getting it. Unless he does so, and potentially even once he has, you need to seriously look at getting out of this relationship. Sending you love and strength x

BlaBlaBlahBlah

I liked your post . I have also started SSRI as I knew in my heart that therapy wouldn’t help
Me (this time) and whilst it has a very useful
Role its so hit and miss getting the right one

Anyway I salute you and your DH for
Working at it , I think it’s laudable that he persisted and never gave up

I wish you ongoing peace

And , my ex was depressed and had addiction issues. I LTB last year

He wouldn’t even consider he had issues , all was me , the world , me
ME

Fuck that shit

Kitty sorry you are going through similar.
And Blah thank you for sharing your story.

DH and I had a chat last night about everything he'd written in the letter (was just too emotional the night before). I don't know if things will get better but he seems very determined to try. I know some of you think it's all just talk and he senses he's losing his grip and is just telling me what I want to hear. But I know him. He seems different. He's booked an appointment at the doctors to get the antidepressants and has dug out his book he used to write in (with no prompting from me). I feel I have to allow him to try and fix this. But, he knows if he gives up trying that I will be done.

I had a bit of a breakdown at work yesterday after being up all night and my sister texting me all morning about our DGF being unwell again. I spoke to a close colleague and my manager about everything and felt so much better after just getting it all out. My manager has authorised short notice leave for this week so I don't have to go sick (as that stresses me out too) and I have details for a councelling service through work and am waiting for someone to call me back this week. I've literally done nothing for 2 days, no housework etc, DS has been in nursery and I have had chance to have a nice hot bath, and sit in front of the TV with a tea and a pack of biscuits all to myself. It's been lovely to just have a bit of breathing space. DS hasn't woken up the past 2 nights and had been so good at nursery. I slept well last night and might even have a cheeky nap before DH gets home with DS.

I'm still not pining all my hopes on things getting better and am aware of what might actually be abusive behaviour thanks to you lot, so thank you and please don't judge me for my decision.

@Kittykitty76 - I know plenty of people who are depressed & not abusive, shouting at babies etc.

Please protect your baby daughter from this man.