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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

anyone up so angry i can hardly breathe need advice

145 replies

neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 03:03

is anyone up to talk to before i loose the fucking plot ....
bit of background....
my partner and i have a baby he also has an older son ( teenager ) his sons mother is a cocaine addict ( with 3 children ) and an all round nightmare, shes threatened me countless times and he hasnt let me report it incase she gets cross n stops him seeimg his son,
threatened to come smash my face in infront of my kids
she doesnt like me as thier son was vile to my daughter for months n months with me asking them to do something about it and them saying she was lying a crybaby and roxanne pallett!!!
anyway this nastiness culminated in thier son stealing my daughters dirty knickers not once but twice and apparently her calling the police on her own kid ( although i never heard off the police at all )
since then he has been seeing his son away from the house taking him on treat days out but NEVER have any of the other kids been allowed to be included even his own baby brother...
i have kicked off that he never takes the baby anywhere and i mean anywhere while i work and he should be allowed on trips to find out tonight from his mum that the ex has banned our baby from going on any of the days out incase i accuse her son of being a peadophile
WTF!!!!!
how fucking dare he pretty much neglect his own baby on the say so of his ex?
are they actually concerned that the kid might do something to my baby?
he hasnt come home tonight hes at his mums i have sent him a message saying if she has that much control over him to get him to mistreat his own baby then he can decide which one he has in his life now his baby or his ex
just bagging up all his stuff to leave out in the rain...dont think ill sleep tonight so any advice welcome :)

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 23/02/2020 08:57

Did he work before you had your DC. Was he working to save money for the baby and you decided he would be the sahp.

ScabbyBabby · 23/02/2020 09:05

I don’t think it’s fair to say your partner doesn’t contribute financially when he has the baby all week while you work.

What is your relationship like generally?
Apart from not taking the baby out what would you say he isn’t like as a parent- honestly.

Because I think if you really thought he was neglecting the baby then you wouldn’t be happy to leave baby with him 5 days a week.

I think there are a lot of issues here and perhaps you all need counselling as a family to work through them.

If your partner is with baby all week and his son at the wknd and is attending school meetings then it does sound like he is trying to be a parent.

I’m sorry you’re all going through this.

I hope your daughter and his older son can get the help they now need.

ShineYourLight2 · 23/02/2020 09:50

You totally have all your priorities wrong. The baby not being taken out for trips is the LAST thing you should be concerned about. Report the matter regarding your daughter and start protecting her without relying on others. You are being ridiculous.

HoppingPavlova · 23/02/2020 10:45

The more you go on the simpler it becomes.

You contact the police and Social Services regarding what occurred with your DD.

Tell your DH he needs to get off his bum once a day during the week and take your DS to the local park, out to the back garden or just a walk around the block. Babies don’t need any of the exciting excursions you seem to fear yours is missing out on.

Have your DH take his other DS out alone on the weekends. I’m sure social service advice would be not yo have his DS anywhere near your children for protective reasons and I think this is the strategy your DH and the ex have taken. No idea why you object to it, it’s common sense. Part of your step son being helped now (with police and social services involvement) will be a good bond with his father, being involved in fun things, not being obviously ostracised etc but yet with protection of the other kids. Your step-son needs to be carefully managed to avoid him becoming a predator who acts on his wants in the future and your DH will be key in this.

You work during the week and your DH has your DS full-time. If DH takes step-son away in the weekends it will give your DH a break from caring for a baby and you time with your baby.

Ryantrain · 23/02/2020 11:19

This is so fucked up. You are worried sbout a baby being taken on days out when your daughter might have been assaulted already or worse. For fucks sake you're all as bad as eavh other. Wake up!!!

Lelophants · 23/02/2020 11:25

Please keep your children away. If you don't speak to the police, YOU could be the one who ends up in trouble for not protecting them.

Original poster

neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 12:03

im not ignoring messages or the situation im waiting for my kids to be picked up so i can call police/ss without them having to hear all the gory details as my daughter is unaware it happened the 2nd time
his phone is still off but i have told him im pretty sure him and his ex have lied re this and today it will be reported
his mum has called me threatening me not to report her grandson flies in the face of that it had already been reported! that she will make my life a misery make sure he doesnt watch the baby so i loose my job and the ex will apparently def attack me if i report her son as she doesnt want ss sniffing around obv as shes a cokehead

OP posts:

LittleWing80 · 23/02/2020 12:15

Just block anyone that threatens you from calling. I would still allow texts just to get evidence of the threats but do not engage in it. Best if your DD is with her dad today. Can you go to a friend’s or a family member? You absolutely must report this. You are your little girl’s only voice. As a PP said, you will be the one is trouble.
Don’t get bullied, you must extract yourself and the children from these people. Good luck OP. Keep posting here for support x

Candymay · 23/02/2020 12:15

You’re the mother of two children. Look after them. Never mind about free childcare and day trips! Look after your children by being protective. If not you are being neglectful. Report what you need to if others need protection.

Candymay · 23/02/2020 12:17

Read your last update. You will need to separate from this family and remove your children from this chaos and drama. Really the day trips are the very least of your worries. It sounds like you could do with some support from a social worker.

Pippinsqueak · 23/02/2020 12:26

Stop telling these people what you are going to do and just do it. You re giving them more time/ammunition to make the situation worse for you or even worse talk you out of it. Keep record of the threats as previous people have said do not engage/reply just leave them on your phone.

TacoLover · 23/02/2020 12:30

yeah all the male members of the family r in prison for sex offences

And you thought it would be a good idea to have a baby with this man

BIWI · 23/02/2020 12:34

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 12:37

Read that last post back.

It is concerning that all this kids adults seem to be convinced if it's reported something bad will happen...threats being made to you...none of them care that he is living a shitty life right now, so long as they are being left alone.

Nobody wants to live amongst these arseholes. They have kept you on your toes, why? The insistence that getting help is bad and secrets and lies is good. Why?

You're being slaughtered on here despite you saying you had his stuff packed, which seems unfair.

AgentJohnson · 23/02/2020 12:47

Of FFS! His Ex isn’t stopping your partner from spending quality time with your son. He has your son all week and doesn’t do anything with him.

You’re connecting two separate issues, the troubled older son of your partner and your partner being a lazy parent to your son. Rather than call your partner out you’ve chosen to point the finger at his Ex because it’s easier in accepting that you’ve lumbered yourself with a lazy partner.

AgentJohnson · 23/02/2020 12:49

This man Ex sounds like a piece of work but come on OP, blaming her for his lazy parenting of your son is one hell of a reach and you should be embarrassed for trying.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/02/2020 14:36

Report the threats to the police too while you're at it.

Would you even want him to look after your son when this is the kind of family he'd be around?

Good riddance to the lot of them.

Ryantrain · 24/02/2020 02:53

Why are you discissing it with them? Don't take their calls and ignore their messages. Just friggin do it call ss and police.

mathanxiety · 24/02/2020 04:35

You should report their threats to the police.

You should stop talking to them about all of this too. You don't need to keep any of them in the loop, and in fact all you will get as a result of talking to them about this is grief. Every single one of them is trying to protect their own arse and meanwhile this boy is getting closer and closer to the sort of deviancy that will land him in jail.

Just do the right thing by your daughter, quietly and with determination. Let the police and SS deal with the lot of them.

Lillygolightly · 24/02/2020 12:00

First and foremost is reporting this issues at hand to social services and the police. You do not need his or anyone else’s permission to do this. Reporting is what you should have done the first time to protect your DD and as a by product hopefully that very troubled boy get the help he clearly needs.

As for the issues surrounding your baby I am completely and utterly confused as to why you would want your baby spending time with this troubled young boy who stole your DD underwear. I get that you are perhaps upset at the seemingly special 1 on 1 time your DP is having with his son, but the fact is that he has your baby all day every week. If I were in your DP’s sons shoes I’d be very upset that my contact time with my Dad was being gatecrashed by a baby who gets to see him all the time. The fact that DP is what you perceive as lazy with your baby through the week and not taking baby out is not this poor boys fault, and frankly asking him to share his contact time with his dad is massively unreasonable.

As for the ex/boys mother she sounds unstable from what you have mentioned. If she is making all these threats of violence you need again to be recording them and reporting them to the police. In your position I would be having as little to do with her as humanly possible.

Your Dp or ex as he might be now, whilst I can understand him not wanting to risk rocking the boat on contact with his son he should have also wanted to protect you and your 2 children. Him expecting you to just put up with serious threats made by his ex is absolutely not on

All in all your best off single and out of this relationship for good.

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