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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

anyone up so angry i can hardly breathe need advice

145 replies

neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 03:03

is anyone up to talk to before i loose the fucking plot ....
bit of background....
my partner and i have a baby he also has an older son ( teenager ) his sons mother is a cocaine addict ( with 3 children ) and an all round nightmare, shes threatened me countless times and he hasnt let me report it incase she gets cross n stops him seeimg his son,
threatened to come smash my face in infront of my kids
she doesnt like me as thier son was vile to my daughter for months n months with me asking them to do something about it and them saying she was lying a crybaby and roxanne pallett!!!
anyway this nastiness culminated in thier son stealing my daughters dirty knickers not once but twice and apparently her calling the police on her own kid ( although i never heard off the police at all )
since then he has been seeing his son away from the house taking him on treat days out but NEVER have any of the other kids been allowed to be included even his own baby brother...
i have kicked off that he never takes the baby anywhere and i mean anywhere while i work and he should be allowed on trips to find out tonight from his mum that the ex has banned our baby from going on any of the days out incase i accuse her son of being a peadophile
WTF!!!!!
how fucking dare he pretty much neglect his own baby on the say so of his ex?
are they actually concerned that the kid might do something to my baby?
he hasnt come home tonight hes at his mums i have sent him a message saying if she has that much control over him to get him to mistreat his own baby then he can decide which one he has in his life now his baby or his ex
just bagging up all his stuff to leave out in the rain...dont think ill sleep tonight so any advice welcome :)

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 23/02/2020 04:59

What's a Roxanne pallet?

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:01

the ex has banned our baby from going on any of the days out incase i accuse her son of being a peadophile

@FieldOfFlameAndHeather this does not sound like "we have decided to keep him away from the other kids". This sounds like "@neverfeltthisdown23 was overreacting by showing concern and can't be trusted not to overreact again"

That isn't good parenting

Original poster
neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 05:02

roxanne pallet was on celeb bb and accused a guy of hurting her when he was only playing .... basically they said my daughter was lying n hid her own dirty knickers in his school bag to frame him

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/02/2020 05:02

OP end it, report the knicker incident to the police and let him take you to court for access.

Original poster
neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 05:03

would an officer have spoken to my daughter if it had been reported?

OP posts:
lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:05

Was she aware of it?

If he took them without her knowing then I'm not sure they would have done.
Was this at your house? If you were involved then they would have spoken to you. But she did not ring them.

unicorn79 · 23/02/2020 05:09

You asked about what social services do - there is a link to an independent charity with guides to social services and an advice line. www.frg.org.uk/

They may already be working with your partners ex and her children but your partner hasn’t told you about it. I agree with other posters that the son needs help and it would be good to refer. I’m not sure the police were actually called but it’s very common even if police take no further action for social services to refer the child to a service to help with his behaviour. I didn’t understand whose family have the sex offenders but this makes me really worried for the son and that would be very important info for social services.

You asked about your own daughter - they may want to complete an assessment with your family too. They would talk to all children alone and would probably ask your daughter if she is OK after the incident and if there is anything else going on. They would also talk to you about the whole family and your relationship with your partner which you may find useful. They would talk to him too and may try to support him with going to some fathers groups or other activities with the baby as well as giving advice on how to play with the baby at home.

It must be hard to be at work all day worrying that your baby isn’t getting enough play and stimulation at home. What is the health visitor saying at developmental checks? It could help to explain to him the need for play. The baby buddy app has some good videos on how to talk and play with a baby and why it’s important.

Pippinsqueak · 23/02/2020 05:09

Why don't you ask your daughter if an officer spoke to her ? 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 05:10

yes my daughter was aware as she was tidying up his things n they fell out of his school bag
and yes it was at my house
the 2nd time he took one of her used sanitary towels and my partner found it stuffed down the side of the bed he had slept in
the ex knows about both i informed her about 1st one and he informed her about 2nd i was at work and she told him not to tell me he did tell me though but told me i was not allowed to msg her ie so she still thinks i dont know i guess

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 23/02/2020 05:11

Yes I think it's wise to keep the baby away from that older boy. The father should certainly do things with the baby too, take them to the park etc but baby's don't get much from some days out ie a trip to the zoo would be ok but a theme park would be pointless at that age. I think it's good all round your partner is seeing his teenage son away from the house and the rest of you. He still needs to be a dad to him, but equally he should do things with the baby. Do you think he's not good with babies? Some people can be nervous of doing the wrong thing even if it is his child.

Original poster
neverfeltthisdown23 · 23/02/2020 05:11

i know an officer didnt speak to my daughter or me hence y i asked IF this had been reported would they have spoken tp either of us as a matter of course?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/02/2020 05:13

Your daughter would have been interviewed. As would your dss.
To say this has been dealt with is utter rubbish.
Get real OP. What's been going on before your very eyes?
Shock Hmm

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:15

she doesnt like me as thier son was vile to my daughter
this nastiness culminated in thier son stealing my daughters dirty knickers

What does 'vile' actually mean?

RhymingRabbit3 · 23/02/2020 05:21

Dump the useless dad.
Get some proper childcare.
Report the son to the police.
Report the mum to social services.

Monty27 · 23/02/2020 05:24

Dump the lot of them and take care of yourself and responsibilities. Even it means unemployment Sad

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:24

Yes you would have been spoken to. I would have expected ss to be involved, except nobody was called.

A sanitary towel down the side of a disturbed boys bed is more than being a PITA 13 yr old.
You know this, but you've been blindsided with bullshit.
Can you insist dp sits down and talks to you about this? Would you want to?

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:25

How long have you been with him?

longtimecomin · 23/02/2020 05:25

It's normal for teenagers to take an interest in the opposite sex at that age, many are regularly watching porn at that age too. He's been an opportunist and stole her knickers for kicks. It's not normal to steal used knickers but it's probably behaviour police have seen before. I would report him to the police yourself.

Monty27 · 23/02/2020 05:29

You would have had child protection quick smart if the police knew any of this. You need to wake up OP before you lose your DC's and a young person's court to deal with. I despair.
Angry

HoppingPavlova · 23/02/2020 05:38

The whole thing seems dysfunctional but you seem to be directing your anger at the wrong person - the ex. It would seem your DH is the issue.

Your DH cares for your DS during the week. You say he doesn’t take him out of the house. That’s to do with your DH, it has nothing to do with the ex. Also, you seem to be confused about what babies need. They don’t need the same outing as a 13yo, they don’t need days out and experiences. Just a walk to park and back or playgroup if an older toddler, babies and younger toddlers don’t get much out of these, a play in the garden at home is fine.

After having your DS all week, you then want him to also have him and take him out on the weekend- is that right? You want him to take him out with his other DS who in all reality should not be around your DS (or DD). I would think your DH and his ex are trying to protect your kids by having DH take the DS out of a weekend as opposed to him being at home with your kids. You are raging about this and want to throw your DH out.

Finally, I don’t understand why your DH doesn’t have a job. Have you agreed between you to have one parent stay at home at this stage with that parent being him? That’s fine but then I don’t understand why you are expecting him to have your DS 7 days or if you don’t have your DS in the week due to work you are keen for DH to then take him out on weekends as well. Maybe I am misunderstanding the work the work situation and who has when with your DS though?

JonnyPocketRocket · 23/02/2020 05:42

OP, you really need to get SS involved. If a teacher, neighbour etc gets wind of this and reports to SS it's not going to look great for you that you knew what was going on and did nothing.

lilmishap · 23/02/2020 05:47

His behaviour might be because of the batshit ex or someone he's seeing there. You should report it because it is the sort of shit kids to when they've been abused.

It could be an adult he's still seeing. It might not be, but you don't give the impression this kid has any responsible adults around. His Dad and his Mum are both lying to you.
Get shot of dp, ring social services,police or even his school. Do it anon and tell them everything.

Then get on with your life away from it

Monty27 · 23/02/2020 05:47

Oh and be prepared for all phones and computers belonging to dss to be taken for forensics. These people don't mess around. Get your house in order.
I am angry OP but I'm trying to be helpful.
Notwithstanding they might take an interest in dss' DM.
You're digging a hole for yourself. This is not a lawless society whether you understand that or not.
No wonder your dd is upset. FFS the poor DC's Sad

OrangeLindt · 23/02/2020 05:51

The whole family are drug addicts yet your quite happy to palm your baby off with them to ease your childcare problems?

Grow up

Monty27 · 23/02/2020 06:01

^^
Exactly that. Sigh.
@51OrangeLindt you're more succinct than me.
I feel so utterly sad at this thread Sad