anyone up so angry i can hardly breathe need advice

[neverfeltthisdown23]

is anyone up to talk to before i loose the fucking plot ....
bit of background....
my partner and i have a baby he also has an older son ( teenager ) his sons mother is a cocaine addict ( with 3 children ) and an all round nightmare, shes threatened me countless times and he hasnt let me report it incase she gets cross n stops him seeimg his son,
threatened to come smash my face in infront of my kids
she doesnt like me as thier son was vile to my daughter for months n months with me asking them to do something about it and them saying she was lying a crybaby and roxanne pallett!!!
anyway this nastiness culminated in thier son stealing my daughters dirty knickers not once but twice and apparently her calling the police on her own kid ( although i never heard off the police at all )
since then he has been seeing his son away from the house taking him on treat days out but NEVER have any of the other kids been allowed to be included even his own baby brother...
i have kicked off that he never takes the baby anywhere and i mean anywhere while i work and he should be allowed on trips to find out tonight from his mum that the ex has banned our baby from going on any of the days out incase i accuse her son of being a peadophile
WTF!!!!!
how fucking dare he pretty much neglect his own baby on the say so of his ex?
are they actually concerned that the kid might do something to my baby?
he hasnt come home tonight hes at his mums i have sent him a message saying if she has that much control over him to get him to mistreat his own baby then he can decide which one he has in his life now his baby or his ex
just bagging up all his stuff to leave out in the rain...dont think ill sleep tonight so any advice welcome :)

You need to call the police and report this clearly deviant boy to them. No way were the police called about this.

Report the knicker theft and also the theft of the used sanitary pad. This is as far from normal as it gets. It is bullying of a horrific, sexual nature against your DD. He was telling her with his actions that she is his prey and that she is not safe even in her own home. The boy is on his way to being a sex offender.

You need to report his mother to social services and include the offences against your daughter in your report. After you report, you need to be prepared to never let the boy anywhere near your DD or your other child again.

You need to go full-on mother bear on behalf of your daughter. What this boy has done to her is serious abuse. Tell her school safeguarding officer what has happened and ask if there is any way for her to get support/counseling in the school to deal with what happened.

Was the playground incident that your DP won't talk to you about something to do with passing a pair or two of used knickers around? Or a used sanitary pad?

Kick your useless DP out. Make him go to court for access to the baby. Demand supervised contact only for the baby if he petitions the court for visitation. Claim child support.

Put the baby in a nursery where he will be properly cared for and supervised.

@01mathanxiety I've tried to say all that way up thread but I fear only deaf ears are listening.
I shouldn't get so emotionally invested I know it's just a thread on Mumsnet. But you know it's hard to read this and not get drawn in.
I'm horrified for the DC's.

im not happy to palm my baby off with drug addicts!!!! the older sons family r drug addicts not my partners and baby has nothing to do with them
i have advised dp to call police ss on many occasions to protect his child not mine amd he says his son will lie to protect her and she will stop him seeing him so hes not gonna rock the boat and his son has asked him not to tell so he wont else he womt tell him anything again
i work in the week he looks after the baby as he has no job so doesnt pay any bills or help out financially .... im not asking him to be my babysitter 5 days a week then take baby out at weekends to give me a break i want to see my baby too i just get so frisyrated that theres so many treat trips for the older child esp if something has just happened ie school meeting but the baby has to sit in the house 5 days a week when im at work not going to even the park n then at weekends he wont come anywhere with the baby as his weekends r spent treating the older kid and saying the babys not allowed to come

Yes, the daughter is so vulnerable here. I can't imagine having to face the world wondering if some boy might be keeping used knickers of mine as trophies to show off to his mates, or god forbid, used pads.

I agree @Monty27 the whole dynamics is a mess, I think SS needs to intervene in both households.

i will be calling the police in the morning to find out if this has ever been reported

You're not even trying to see what the real problem is here, @neverfeltthisdown23.

Your daughter needs YOU to call the police and SS.
Your DP is not going to, and by the way, police and SS will get to the bottom of what is going on regardless of whether the DS lies. Do you seriously think that a 13 year old stupid enough to be caught with a used sanitary pad in his bed is going to outsmart seasoned police and social services officers?

Call the police yourself.
Call social services yourself.

Get your baby into a nursery and pay whatever it takes to keep him there. You are basically willing to throw your daughter under the bus in order to save childcare money.

And tell your daughter's school what happened. She needs help and support.

The gaslighting and rubbish parenting is shocking. I wouldn’t want him looking after your baby anymore even without his older son around. Babies need attention to reach their full potential and create secure attachments. If your partner continues like this, he will end up sticking your baby in front of the tv. As a result, you’ll have an emotionally screwed up child, who doesn’t know how to interact with outer children snd cannot speak properly by school age.

I agree with pps, you need to inform the police about the knickers and sanitary towel. This is really worrying behaviour. I would also contact social services about the mum. Then I’d dump him from childcare and kick him out.

Do you have anyone else to look after your baby? Can you sort a childminder out?

Omg you are clueless OP banging on about treat trips for your baby yet you have done nothing to protect your vulnerable DD. You have bigger issues to worry about.

Cross post with math. Good point about informing your dd’s school. She must not be allowed to be collateral damage for your decision to have a child with a complete loser.

Your poor poor children. Is this usually the type of people that you get involved with OP? And did you know how troubled they all were before a baby was brought into the situation?

You need to start thinking logically and stop being a doormat and swallowing everyone elses crap. The most important people here are your children and you need to protect them. Otherwise if social services get wind of this utter shitshow then they will be down on you like a ton of bricks. You risk losing your kids if you can't prove that you have the wherewithal to safeguard them and adequately protect them from harm.

Get your ducks in a row. Start saving like mad. Make alternative plans for childcare for when you are at work. Perhaps take a weeks annual leave. Then once you're secure and have everything in order, kick this man out of your house and have nothing more to do with him or his kids. The lot of them sound like comlete scumbags and you and your children would be better off without them in your life.

The sexual abuse thing...alarm bells are going off really loudly in my head. I would be gravely worried about your daughters safety. The fact they they seem to be a family full of sexual predators and abusers and even the fact that the mum has even so much as mentioned the word paedophilia in regards to your step son, combined with the that he is stealing your daughter's knickers and used sanitary towels (WTF) and stuffing them down the side of his bed after doing god knows what with them means that something is not quite right. Protect your daughter.

This actually kicks me in the guts. I waited before even thinking about having a baby till I'd found the right man, had a career, was financially stable and had done everything I wanted to do ie travelling the world, lived and worked abroad, graduated uni etc. Basically I waited till I could give a baby the best start in life. Then after trying for a while, we found out that I more than likely can't have kids due to a medical condition that I have. So to see people bring babies willy nilly into chaotic environments like this without a seconds thought as to what kind of life a baby would have in said environment....heartbreaking. Also makes me bloody angry, I'll be honest.

OP you're the freaking mother here. Now be one. I don't want to scaremonger but you seem very fey about your DCs' welfare. Shocking stuff.
Oh and btw it's Sunday morning now. What are you waiting for? Report your fears to the police. Or are you frightened of something or simply CBA?

So much drama here it hurts my head.

Bottom line is- why on earth are you continuing this relationship?
What is in it for you?

I wouldn't be surprised if SS were already involved, and have told your partner to see his son boy away from your DD and baby.

I think you need to sort alternative childcare for your baby, you know it's not good enough.

Also yes!
after all the drama in this thread, why are you not concerned about the things you should be?

Your main concern is his ex.
It should be your children.

@28Jellybeansincognito have you rtht?

I’ve read about 25% of it.
What have I missed? @Monty27

I make that 75%

Also in regards to the baby. If your partner just sits in the house all day arguing politics on facebook and has his head stuck in the internet all day long, won't even take the baby out for a walk or anything then I have no doubt he is neglecting him while he has him. The poor baby is probably dumped in his cot or on a playmat and has the most basic of his needs met; food/bottle and nappy changed now and again. Your husband will probably be more interested in facebook than giving the baby stimulation and attention.

I had a friend like this - had being the operative word. The most self centred, gormless person you could ever meet. She would sit all day smoking, drinking coffee and watching daytime TV while her little boy was dumped all day in the cot. Everytime he cried, there was no picking up, no cuddles, no playing, she would simply grab a bottle from the kitchen and pass it over the side of the cot to shut him up so she could go back to her cigarette and TV. By the age of three, the kid wasn't talking and didn't even seem to register his surroundings at all due to the neglect of his early years. She would tell everyone that he was just slow. Didn't didn't register that it was neglect. It was only when he went to nursery that they picked up on it. He obviously got socialised at nursery, lots of interaction and attention and they referred him to speech and language therapy. He came on leaps and bounds and within months was at a fairly 'normal level', showing that there was nothing wrong with him in the first place, only neglect.

The point of me telling you this is that your baby is no doubt being neglected by this sorry excuse for a man and could very well end up like my ex friends little boy. If your husband isn't even willing to take him for a little walk now and again then the poor baby is probably just lying there all day and this could have a serious impact on his early development. Please don't give this standard of life to your baby. Do something to help both of your kids.

And yourself OP

Your priorities are messed up op..i would dump the partner and keep my 12 year old safe and find other childcare (universal credit pays for childcare costs). I would also report the mum to social services.

You sound like you're on drugs yourself!
Pack up yourself and your kids and get them out of this shitstorm.

You're certainly not being realistic OP. Do the right thing for your DC's. It's heartbreaking reading your posts. Those poor children deserve so much more. As for you, their mother, that's down to you. Do you realise your dd is probably heartbroken 😭

Yes - I would worry about neglect of the baby too. A nursery would be much better than being dumped without warmth, play and good language input. The only think he is doing right is protecting the baby from his son. He has to be there for you step son - sounds like no one else is. At least he takes his out rather than being him into the home environment with your daughter. That keeps her safe. But your baby may well be neglected.