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Original poster

9 months, no ‘I love you’

101 replies

Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 08:43

I have been with my partner now for 9 months. I have a 7 year old child, he is childless after being in a 10 year marriage.
He’d been single for a year when I met him but understandably wanted to take things slowly, scared of choosing the wrong person again and was scared of turning my son’s world upside down.
Part of taking it slow meant that I was in doubt about whether he was stringing me along, whether he could adapt to being a step parent or if it would all be too much. From June until December we were only seeing each other 2 nights a week, mostly only once a week for the first couple of months.
Fast forward 9 months, we have a lovely relationship and we communicate really well, we’re great at talking any issue through but the same issue always seems to arise, and that’s his seemingly selfish and thoughtless nature....things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok, not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do, not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then), not wishing me happy birthday until 5pm on the day, and more recently, agreeing to valentines cards but then turning up to my house without one on the day. Although we’ve addressed these things as they’ve happened, and he’s changed, ie he always checks in with me now after a long journey, something new always seems to happen.
He’s not completely thoughtless though, he gave me money so that I could buy a new dress for his Xmas party, and in an attempt to spend more time together, since Xmas he’s treated us to some exciting days out too. That came after we fell out because although we said we’d spend the Saturday together, when I messaged him on the Saturday morning, he said he wouldn’t be around until much later in the day because he had chores to do.
At 9 months, we’ve never said that we love each other, and although I like him, I don’t love him. I know it takes longer for some people to get there but in now have it in my head that that feeling should be there by now and since feeling let down at valentines, I can’t seem to bounce back!
Just need to hear people’s thoughts.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/02/2020 08:48

It's ok if you don't love him just continue to date him and have a nice time meanwhile maybe start dating others as well they might be more your cup of tea.

RattyTerror · 21/02/2020 08:49

Apart from the birthday message I think you’re being quite high maintenance to be honest. He needs time to do his chores, just because someone isn’t texting every two minutes doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Love doesn’t have a timeline either, I think you’re really overthinking things. If you’re not happy with him, leave. If you are happy, stay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2020 08:49

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would end this because its not working and he is thoughtless to boot.

RattyTerror · 21/02/2020 08:50

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 she’s in a relationship, I bloody hope she doesn’t start dating other people until she’s single! Get some morals!

MarthasGinYard · 21/02/2020 08:52

'things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok, not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do, not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then), not wishing me happy birthday until 5pm on the day, and more recently, agreeing to valentines cards but then turning up to my house without one on the day. Although we’ve addressed these things as they’ve happened, and he’s changed, ie he always checks in with me now after a long journey, something new always seems to happen.'

And they always will

You are having to instruct him to behave in a way you find acceptable. So now he does 'check in with you' after a long journey etc,this is because you've instructed him to....not because he wants to.

Are you happy with that?

I honestly think he doesn't sound ready for a relationship and certainly sounds not that into being in one with you.

The 'love you' wouldn't bother me you admit you 'like him' but the way you are attempting to condition him to be able to be with you doesn't sound natural ITMS.

Blaccat · 21/02/2020 08:55

You need to find someone more on your relationship wavelength.

ravenmum · 21/02/2020 09:05

You don't love him, and you don't want the kind of relationship he has to offer. Let him be with someone who does want that kind of relationship, and who has stronger feelings for him.

Jane1978xx · 21/02/2020 09:07

I don’t think not loving him is the issue here it’s all the other doubts you have.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 09:11

Thanks everyone. I definitely don’t see myself as high maintenance, I had been single through choice for 4 years and had been really happy with that, focussing on my child during that time. I’m really independent and can happily go for a day without hearing from him, and in fact that’s how most days are as we both work long hours etc. At the end of the day he’s not the top of my priorities, my son is.
Everyone is different, some people wouldn’t think to check in after a long journey because perhaps their own family wasn’t that way when growing up etc so I’m not saying he’s a horrible person, I think he’s just thinks very differently from me. I’d do the same for my friends etc

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/02/2020 09:12

For comparison, I've been doing something similar for 3 years - my bf is the one with a child, and I am the one who turns up Saturday evening as I have other stuff to do. I have no plans at all to become the little girl's stepmother. We are both happy with this situation; that is what we both want. It seems that this is what your bf wants.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 09:12

Definitely wouldn’t start dating other people now. I wouldn’t have after the second date either 😊

OP posts:
Sickandscared · 21/02/2020 09:12

I'm a bit on the fence here. It sounds like the relationship is ok but not great for you. I would probably give it a bit more time, maybe three months. If you're still questioning things or having to 'correct' his behaviour then I would call it a day.

Cheeseandwin5 · 21/02/2020 09:14

You sound far to critical and high maintenance to be honest, you don't love him and or even be happy and too be honest I have no idea what he will be getting out of this relationship at all apart from stress and abuse.
Go your separate ways and find someone that is more suited to both of you.

PepePig · 21/02/2020 09:14

You're really high maintenance Hmm. Maybe some time out to be single would do you good. You'd soon learn what's actually important in a relationship and stop nit picking.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 09:15

That’s brilliant that you’ve got something that works for you.
In my case, we are both hitting 40 and he wants us to live together and even have our own child when and if it’s right.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 21/02/2020 09:16

You call him your partner which to me implies sharing a life together. When in reality you are dating? If you don't love him why do you want to carry on seeing him? Where do you see this in a year from now? 5 years? How old are you both?

Notcoolmum · 21/02/2020 09:16

Just seen your update. You want another child with a man you don't love?

MarthasGinYard · 21/02/2020 09:17

'In my case, we are both hitting 40 and he wants us to live together and even have our own child when and if it’s right.'

Are you sure this isn't actually you?

annabell22 · 21/02/2020 09:20

This relationship isn't going anywhere. Time to move on.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 09:20

@notcoolmum I didn’t say that 😊 I said he wants to move in and have a child if and when it’s right. I just meant that in the way that we both want a full relationship and aren’t just dating or messing around. I’d never have a child or move in with someone if I wasn’t 100% sure

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/02/2020 09:21

Are you absolutely sure that is what he wants? My exh made similar claims to his gf - it never came about, and I dont think he ever wanted it either. I suspect that he was doing what he always did to me, and just telling her what she wanted to hear.

And if it is what he wants, do you want it with him? You seem pretty uncertain. I agree with the poster above who pointed out that if you have to train him to act how you want, it's not a hugely healthy dynamic.

MarthasGinYard · 21/02/2020 09:22

'I just meant that in the way that we both want a full relationship and aren’t just dating or messing around.'

But you said yourself you don't love him?Confused

MarthasGinYard · 21/02/2020 09:23

Are you sure you aren't 'instructing' him about what he wants?

Your Op reeked of this

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 09:28

@marthasginyard I’m not instructing him about he wants, he’s strong enough in his own mind to know what he wants, that’s why we went at his pace for so long. In a way I think we’ve both been so independent it’s hard to merge our lives.
We had a chat about 2 months where we both said we were fond of each other but that love wasn’t there yet, but he thought that that wasn’t anything to worry about and it’s good for it to come slowly. At the time I was happy to keep going along and just enjoying the time we spend together.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/02/2020 09:28

Are there any butterflies at all, do you get excited about seeing him?

Dating is not messing around. Dating is getting to know someone. And when you've got to know someone, you find out whether you're suited for a long-term relationship or not. Until then, you are always just dating, however much you might want a serious relationship with someone in the end.