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Original poster

9 months, no ‘I love you’

101 replies

Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 08:43

I have been with my partner now for 9 months. I have a 7 year old child, he is childless after being in a 10 year marriage.
He’d been single for a year when I met him but understandably wanted to take things slowly, scared of choosing the wrong person again and was scared of turning my son’s world upside down.
Part of taking it slow meant that I was in doubt about whether he was stringing me along, whether he could adapt to being a step parent or if it would all be too much. From June until December we were only seeing each other 2 nights a week, mostly only once a week for the first couple of months.
Fast forward 9 months, we have a lovely relationship and we communicate really well, we’re great at talking any issue through but the same issue always seems to arise, and that’s his seemingly selfish and thoughtless nature....things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok, not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do, not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then), not wishing me happy birthday until 5pm on the day, and more recently, agreeing to valentines cards but then turning up to my house without one on the day. Although we’ve addressed these things as they’ve happened, and he’s changed, ie he always checks in with me now after a long journey, something new always seems to happen.
He’s not completely thoughtless though, he gave me money so that I could buy a new dress for his Xmas party, and in an attempt to spend more time together, since Xmas he’s treated us to some exciting days out too. That came after we fell out because although we said we’d spend the Saturday together, when I messaged him on the Saturday morning, he said he wouldn’t be around until much later in the day because he had chores to do.
At 9 months, we’ve never said that we love each other, and although I like him, I don’t love him. I know it takes longer for some people to get there but in now have it in my head that that feeling should be there by now and since feeling let down at valentines, I can’t seem to bounce back!
Just need to hear people’s thoughts.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 10:38

@toooldforthis67
Really? What similarities were there?
I’m pleased you’ve found your Mr Right 😊
He doesn’t impact my life too much as I don’t see him enough, but then long distance relationships have the same problem but they’d still miss the other person if they weren’t in their lives anymore

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Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 10:49

@Sunflowernet
Their relationship was very odd, they didn’t really do much together, they took holidays from work separately, spent weekends separately. From that I can see how he is the way he is.

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Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 10:50

@PicsInRed I don’t know if he’s knowingly wasting my time, he’s really genuine and honest

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Notcoolmum · 21/02/2020 10:50

Yes I'm confused why he wouldn't know how to act in a relationship after a 10 year marriage and only a year separated before meeting you. You went to his Xmas do so I assume you have met his friends and family.

What do you want from this relationship? Or a relationship in general?

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 10:59

@Notcoolmum he’s generally amazing and has all the qualities, he’s hard working, sociable, lots of friends, respectful, moral, loves his family (although only in very small stints), we share similar hobbies and the love for the outdoors etc. What’s lacking is just a deeper connection which I feel comes from, for me, the caring words and actions

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Bluntness100 · 21/02/2020 11:07

Do you understand why you’re tolerating conversations with a man about moving in together and having a child, when you don’t love each other? Is it you that wants these things rather than him? The way you describe the relationship would maybe indicate it is, and he’s just placating you?

If he wants to see you he will, if he wishes to prioritise you he will, if he is not doing so, and needs to be effectively made to do so, you know deep down you’ll never be happy. You’re effectively settling.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 21/02/2020 11:12

things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok I'd only expect that from my mother tbh! It sounds suffocating to have someone check up on me! My partner sometimes asks me to let him know when I'm there but I always forget! not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do he still has to live his life, there isn't much time in the week if you work long hours. not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then) What would you need him for? There are never enough seats for ill people in a&e because people have to take multiple people with them! And 5 months in I wouldn't introduce someone to my children, let alone impose them on my child when they're ill.

You sound high maintenance. You need to find someone who matches you.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 11:13

@bluntness100 the conversation about moving in and a child etc wasn’t a plan as such, it was us sitting down after Christmas and me asking him what he wanted from the relationship as as far as I could see he was happy just seeing me twice a week. He said it things continued to go well he thought maybe in a years time he would like to see us moving in together.
It’s just the same as it’s always been, it’s on his terms. As I said in one of my earlier posts though, I’d never take that step unless I’m sure. I don’t want to be wasting anyone’s time if it’s just not going to work

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TooOldForThis67 · 21/02/2020 11:14

Hemsley - I wont bore everyone with my story, lol. I think he likes you enough to keep things as they are but at 9mths I think you should both be feeling it a lot more and moving the relationship on. He isn't meeting your emotional needs.

Notcoolmum · 21/02/2020 11:15

Hmm. I'm not getting the sense he is generally amazing. He sounds like he's the sort of man you think you want to be with. But he's not the one you actually want to be with. And I do understand that. How do we know if it's right. Does everyone get their soulmate. Do we sometimes accept 'good enough'?

Fantasiaa · 21/02/2020 11:22

You don’t sound at all high maintenance. You just sound as if you and him aren’t matched at all.

I’m not really a fan of strangers on the internet telling other strangers to leave a relationship but I will say if you want something more serious / more long- term, this doesn’t sound like it at all.

TooOldForThis67 · 21/02/2020 11:22

I think you should visit the Dating Thread. There you will find lots of people in situations like yours. The 'angst' of new relationships is never ending and I've been there myself! I don't think you are 'high maintenance'. Everyone is different though and you two sound mis-matched. If he's like this now, imagine a few years down the line? Maybe things will pick up, maybe they wont.

Monty27 · 21/02/2020 11:34

Neither of you seem to know what you want. I don't think it's each other though.
No one should settle for anything less than what makes them happy. Don't short change yourselves it will just become miserable. Even more miserable than it is. I don't detect a whiff of happiness from either side from your posts OP.
And please be mindful of DS. You might think he's not aware but he probably is.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 11:41

@monty27
It’s not all doom and gloom at all, we get on really well and there’s a lot of laughter. For me it’s just that deeper connection that is lacking, and then now and again the little knock backs.
I’m just trying to work out whether to invest anymore time in it really

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Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 11:43

@Monty27 and then following on from that, the fact that I’m even questioning it probably says a lot Confused

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Techway · 21/02/2020 11:51

Some people can't have intimate relationships and their partners will always feel as if there is no emotional connection.

I think this could be him and completely understand your confusion as I am sure he ticks lots of boxes.

I stayed with Ex when he showed signs of not knowing how to care (always had to be told how to respond, not just me but others) because everything else was so right, responsible, well mannered, great sex, shared hobbies. However the lack of connection revealed a dark side many years later. What stood out for me in your post was his generosity over a dress for his work function..he was happy to oblige because if you looked good it would reflect well on him.

You mentioned he has said he is selfish, listen to that, as well as the lack of connection as it highlights someone who has no capacity for emotional depth and treats relationships as transactions, giving to get.

I would never ever stay with someone who I had to tell how to respond emotionally as it points to a lack of empathy, which is a very big flag.

MashedSpud · 21/02/2020 11:52

You don’t love each other.

Have you met his family?
Have you met his friends?
Are you physically intimate?

His slow pokeness has denied you a fun, spontaneous first nine months. The start of a relationship is the most exciting as it gets.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 12:09

@mashedspud yes to all 3. Your last sentence is how I feel too, it’s a shame. I mean I get why some people want to go slow, if they’ve been hurt etc but it’s a shame when it impacts something new

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Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 12:11

@Techway I think I know what you mean, I used to say to him I didn’t think he had any emotional space for me, I think that’s the same as what you’re saying.

The dress thing, I didn’t see it that way and I’m not sure if he’s got it in him to be like that either but maybe I’ve got him wrong

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Monty27 · 21/02/2020 12:18

@43Hemsley219 it took me 13 years to work it out once. Don't do that to yourself.
In the final analysis I realised I didn't feel special to him. He spoiled me rotten at times. At other times he would disengage. It hurt to let go but I had to be kind to myself and most of all my 2 DC's.
It's your life Confused Flowers

MartiniDry · 21/02/2020 12:19

You don't love him, you feel the need to tell him how to react/behave/respond and you expect him to check that you, a middle aged woman, managed to get from A to B okay, to somehow manage to carry out his personal responsibilities (chores are for servants and children!) at a time to suit you. Sorry, but honestly you do sound rather needy.

WRT chores, if he's at work during the week the weekend might be the only time he gets to clean up, garden, shop, get the car serviced, keep in touch with family and friends, diy, answer letters and emails, carry out home repairs, make calls to energy companies, do banking, go to the post office and more.

Sometimes it gets to a stage where a person feels that their time is not their own. You might find in him a happier man you can love if you give him some space.

FraglesRock · 21/02/2020 12:27

I think his exw thinks exactly how you do
That he didn't make time for her etc

And that's why he has no idea what went wrong because in his head everything was perfect, as he did what he wanted.

So if you'd be happy with just this, then carry on but I don't think he wants to change.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 12:31

I’m getting a lot of flack for this journey comment....two occasions I’m talking about, first was traveling a 10 hour round trip into London city, I live in the country. Second, I made a journey 3 hours to my grandfathers funeral, full of emotion, probably shouldn’t have been driving. On both occasions I heard nothing from him until 8pm that night, because it was convenient for him to text then

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Original poster
Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 12:34

I also understand the need to have free time at the weekend to catch up with life, do chores, have you time....and even with the best planning things do still pop up and that’s also ok....but when you’ve planned to have Saturday together, and then have your own day for chores etc on Sunday, and then Saturday gets cancelled on Saturday, with no offer to switch to Sunday instead, then I think that’s not ok

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CousinKrispy · 21/02/2020 12:37

Yeah, I don't think you sound high-maintenance, you just want to feel like your partner actually cares about you.

Other people might be happy with a more laid-back style, but what you're wanting isn't way out there.

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