9 months, no ‘I love you’

[Hemsley219]

I have been with my partner now for 9 months. I have a 7 year old child, he is childless after being in a 10 year marriage.
He’d been single for a year when I met him but understandably wanted to take things slowly, scared of choosing the wrong person again and was scared of turning my son’s world upside down.
Part of taking it slow meant that I was in doubt about whether he was stringing me along, whether he could adapt to being a step parent or if it would all be too much. From June until December we were only seeing each other 2 nights a week, mostly only once a week for the first couple of months.
Fast forward 9 months, we have a lovely relationship and we communicate really well, we’re great at talking any issue through but the same issue always seems to arise, and that’s his seemingly selfish and thoughtless nature....things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok, not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do, not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then), not wishing me happy birthday until 5pm on the day, and more recently, agreeing to valentines cards but then turning up to my house without one on the day. Although we’ve addressed these things as they’ve happened, and he’s changed, ie he always checks in with me now after a long journey, something new always seems to happen.
He’s not completely thoughtless though, he gave me money so that I could buy a new dress for his Xmas party, and in an attempt to spend more time together, since Xmas he’s treated us to some exciting days out too. That came after we fell out because although we said we’d spend the Saturday together, when I messaged him on the Saturday morning, he said he wouldn’t be around until much later in the day because he had chores to do.
At 9 months, we’ve never said that we love each other, and although I like him, I don’t love him. I know it takes longer for some people to get there but in now have it in my head that that feeling should be there by now and since feeling let down at valentines, I can’t seem to bounce back!
Just need to hear people’s thoughts.
Thanks in advance

I think if you were going to love him you'd know by now. I'd expect I Love yous to happen about 6 months in. Maybe slow things down for a few weeks and see if you genuinely miss seeing him?

Why on earth would you want another baby with a guy who

A) you don't love
B) you keep at arm's length
C) you have to tell him how to act/behave
D) isn't a step parent to your child, merely a boyfriend to you and nothing else

You don't live with him. You have absolutely no idea how things will be if you're in a proper relationship living together. At 9 months you should be both obsessed with each other and totally in love- not complaining about him on Mumsnet.

Stop kidding yourself. It isn't working. He isn't what you want. Move on.

not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do...

Everything else in your list makes you sound slightly needy, but this does strike me as odd. What chores are so important and time-consuming that they take up all of Saturday?

More importantly, it just doesn't appear a great relationship. More of a you'll do for the moment kind of relationship - on both sides. Where is the chemistry, the real connection between the two of you?

I'm also puzzled by his stated desire to want us to live together and even have our own child when and if it’s right. Are you sure this commitment is entirely voluntary, or is he to some extent mirroring your own hopes? Particularly given the rather lukewarm nature of your relationship and his emphasising the need to wait until when and if it’s right. Whilst commendable given the short time you've been together, it nevertheless suggests that he is holding back and biding his time.

Op I also think that you having been a single parent and him never having kids puts you on different wavelengths. You will probably be more 'organised' about things like chores as you have other responsibilities on top of your work life. I imagine he doesn't have the time constraints that you do so just doesn't really get it.

@FlowerArranger not just all Saturday but all Sunday as well 😂

It’s funny as although his words, honest chats etc say he’s completely happy and it will happen etc, actions suggest he’s holding back. Being held at arms length when you’re feeling butterflies at the beginning is quite harmful I think. Whilst I wanted more at the beginning, now that we should be in a place to move forward together, I’m now holding him at arms length because I’m not sure.

It’s like @IndieTara said though, I’m very conscious of our differing lifestyle, he’s married to his work as a batchelor in effect and I’m focused on being a mum.

OP, it sounds like maybe you don't feel valued by him, as he's not spontaneously doing what you would consider a normal amount of "caring" about you? Sounds like you have to prompt him every time. Do you really think that's going to change overall?

He's not necessarily a terrible person, but maybe think about it in terms of a friend rather than a partner. If a good friend or family member knew I'd taken my child to A&E, I would expect them to express concern and ask if I needed anything. So it must feel kind of shitty that your partner, someone you're very intimate and vulnerable with, actually isn't expressing what you would expect as a basic level of concern and care for you as a fellow human being, much less a partner.

I have no idea if this is something that will change over time, but I doubt it somewhat.

when I messaged him on the Saturday morning, he said he wouldn’t be around until much later in the day because he had chores to do
Doesn't strike me as entirely unreasonable, tbh. When I've had a busy week I often find myself on the Saturday with no food in the house, clothes not washed, or having to sort out something like writing an important letter, doing paperwork ... He should have warned OP further in advance, though - he would have known the day before, unless something came up at the last minute, such as a relative needing help etc.

Cousinkrispy.....you’ve hit the nail on the head there!

It’s like others have said, it’s almost like I’ve had to condition him to be caring so I don’t know if it’ll ever come naturally.

My mum said I either have to accept that and not get upset about it, or move on

Please don't settle for someone! Cut the ties now at 9 months rather than having kids etc. He obviously has different priorities to you and that's okay but he's not the type of person you need.

Find someone who thinks the sun shines out of your ass (and you them in return!) at 9 months it should still be fresh and exciting not disagreements and "let downs" at every corner.

@ravenmum I completely get that, and we’ve moved plans before in the week if something’s come up, work running late etc and that’s fine. We’ve both done it.
The story behind that Saturday thing was because we’d only Just (the weekend before) said that we needed to start spending days together not just evenings, so itd been planned for the week that we’d spend the day together on the Saturday and then have Sundays to ourselves so that I could do things with my son and he could do
Shopping chores etc. So when he suddenly wasn’t going to be around until 4pm on the Saturday and I wasn’t seeing him on the Sunday either, I felt upset

I don't think you sound high maintenance. He doesn't sound like he's that bothered about the relationship and of course that is going to hurt. Him only texting you happy birthday as an afterthought and not keeping up contact after a journey wouldn't be good enough for me.
If you know for sure that you don't love him by now then I don't think I would be bothered to continue. There will be men out there who will do the things you want and treat you better.

To me, the A&E thing would be what put me off. At 5 months you don't have to feel serious worry about your gf (assuming it was not something life-threatening), but it is a very basic level of polite behaviour to at least put in enough effort and act concerned.
I'd been with my bf a few weeks when he had a really bad toothache during a visit, and I made him go and get it checked out, and went with him for support!

Your mum is right.

Is he married?

The whole thing seems off to me. The not seeing each other on the weekends, seeing each other in the day, taking it really slow, only seeing each other once a week etc.

@MashedSpud no he’s definitely not married. Up until Christmas he’d not even spent the night at mine so all our evenings were spent at his house. It’s immaculate, very modern, very man like and absolutely no women’s things around. I trust him 100%

@ravenmum I’d be there for anyone if they needed to go to a&e, even if it was just to offer a lift.
It’s funny, I was talking to my friend at work the other day, her boyfriend woke up and couldn’t see but she didn’t even help him, he had to get a taxi to the hospital and sort himself out. She said “well I had to work so I couldn’t help him”.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but everyone is different

@Crystal87 thank you....that’s my gut feeling too but I have been worried that perhaps I’m nitpicking. The bigger issues, such as the lack of support with the hospital have made me more sensitive to it I think

How does he react if you say you're busy and can't see him til later? Does it work both ways?
Seems like he's got it how he wants it right now. I don't think you're being needy.
If he hasn't got kids then he won't be on the same wavelength as you and is prob quite self centred.

@sunflowernet
I’ve never bailed out on a full day planned but we both have rearranged a Wednesday for a Thursday eve at late notice. It works fine, we both understand that life / work is hectic and some days are just horrible and you want your own space.
He’ll admit that he’s self centred, and that he doesn’t really know how to act in a relationship.

You should want to see each other, surely you should be all over each other 9 months in?
Life is hard enough that you shouldn't have to tell a grown man how to behave. The road trip is a bit much but he should be ringing you at a&e and prioritising you on a sat

It boils down to that you’re not well matched, and this only works as a casual thing...

He’s sticking with it because it’s casual and it suits his bachelor lifestyle. Why are you?

@anchordowndeepbreath
I think up until now I’ve gone with the “going slow” thing but now I’m starting to question if it’s more about him clinging to the fact he likes his current lifestyle too much, and I’ve been too easy going and have been doing it all on his terms

I've been there, wondering why I didn't love my b/f at 9 mths in and the answer was simply that he wasn't right for me. The whole relationship seemed to be on his terms, I can see that now but couldn't at the time. A lot of similar issues to you. I ended it. We got back together as we missed each other but nothing really changed. I've met someone else now that gives me everything I need emotionally and it comes natural to him. I think it's better to end it now and I'll bet you'll be surprised how quickly you get over him, as he doesn't impact your life much does he.

He says he doesn't know how to act in a relationship but was married for 10 years?
That's odd.
Maybe he wants some space after a long marriage and this suits him.
If he says he's self centred and telling you how he is, how will it change?

Work out what's best for you.

He's wasting your time and you're letting him.