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Original poster

9 months, no ‘I love you’

101 replies

Hemsley219 · 21/02/2020 08:43

I have been with my partner now for 9 months. I have a 7 year old child, he is childless after being in a 10 year marriage.
He’d been single for a year when I met him but understandably wanted to take things slowly, scared of choosing the wrong person again and was scared of turning my son’s world upside down.
Part of taking it slow meant that I was in doubt about whether he was stringing me along, whether he could adapt to being a step parent or if it would all be too much. From June until December we were only seeing each other 2 nights a week, mostly only once a week for the first couple of months.
Fast forward 9 months, we have a lovely relationship and we communicate really well, we’re great at talking any issue through but the same issue always seems to arise, and that’s his seemingly selfish and thoughtless nature....things like not checking I’m okay after a long journey, did I get there ok, not making time for me on a Saturday because he has chores to do, not asking if I needed him when I had to take my son to a&e (we’d been together 5 months by then), not wishing me happy birthday until 5pm on the day, and more recently, agreeing to valentines cards but then turning up to my house without one on the day. Although we’ve addressed these things as they’ve happened, and he’s changed, ie he always checks in with me now after a long journey, something new always seems to happen.
He’s not completely thoughtless though, he gave me money so that I could buy a new dress for his Xmas party, and in an attempt to spend more time together, since Xmas he’s treated us to some exciting days out too. That came after we fell out because although we said we’d spend the Saturday together, when I messaged him on the Saturday morning, he said he wouldn’t be around until much later in the day because he had chores to do.
At 9 months, we’ve never said that we love each other, and although I like him, I don’t love him. I know it takes longer for some people to get there but in now have it in my head that that feeling should be there by now and since feeling let down at valentines, I can’t seem to bounce back!
Just need to hear people’s thoughts.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
SmellyBeard · 21/02/2020 13:08

I think this is who he is OP. You won't change him. He makes some of the right noises when confronted about it but overall changes birthing. You dont want to be in a relationship where you have to condition someone on how to behave. It sounds awful for everyone!

You will have to decide if it's enough for you how it is NOW and then act accordingly.

SmellyBeard · 21/02/2020 13:08

Birthing = nothing!

Notcoolmum · 21/02/2020 14:07

I felt the same way when I drove home 3 hours after seeing my date (id been near him for work) after a night of minimal sleep. I was upset he hadn't occurred to him to check if I was ok. So i understand that. My current bf would definitely check if I was ok.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 22/02/2020 08:40

@CousinKrispy I think you understand where I’m coming from, and you’re right, what works for some people might not work for others, and vice versa.

@SmellyBeard I agree with you, it’s just who he is! I’m away this weekend visiting my sister and he was coming the same way so we shared lifts. I got our suitcases, child’s car seat, coats, bags etc and put them outside my door ready for when he arrived so we could quickly get them in to the car. He pulled up and just sat there watching, waiting for me and my son to load everything in to his car ourselves. I know any one of my family would have got out to help, even if it was just one bag. My little boy even asked why wasn’t he helping us and he’s only 7 😂
As you say, it’s just the way he is! And I didn’t make a fuss or anything, didn’t even mention it, because that’s the way I am, don’t like drama, and don’t want to be a nag. So it all gets bottled up instead.

@Notcoolmum, yeah I would have been upset by that too. I think it’s when you know you’d be the other way if it was them. That’s when it hurts. You’re not talking about a 10 minute drive

OP posts:
Techway · 22/02/2020 09:19

He isn't a kind person but I suspect he knows how to act well, if it suits his mood, image or agenda.

You are not being fussy or high maintenance as at 9 months in he should be much kinder to you.
Don't settle,it will only get worse and he maybe incapable of genuine close relationships.

Sunflowernet · 22/02/2020 09:51

I agree. Not helping you with you bags is basic manners, nothing to do with 'don't know how to act in a relationship '. Which sounds like a cop out at his age.
If he doesn't know, he can easily learn. Seems like he doesn't want to.

SmellyBeard · 22/02/2020 10:49

He's one of those men who does just enough when confronted about something to appease a woman and restore the status quo. Been there myself - it's head wrecking and you are at risk of thinking it's you who has a problem.

You have certain needs which are not being met. Take them seriously and go and find a man who can meet them.

Notcoolmum · 22/02/2020 10:52

He met you struggle with bags?! I'm amazed you didn't say anything. I would have. But at least not saying anything showed you what he's really like. He's not nice. Kind and amazing as you said. You can do better.

FraglesRock · 22/02/2020 11:30

That's shitty behaviour. He really does not want to put himself out for you and to won't get any better.
I imagine his wife felt the same.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 22/02/2020 13:31

Yep, he just sat in his car and watched me and my son load ourselves up, without attempting to move or offer any help

OP posts:
Original poster
Hemsley219 · 22/02/2020 13:41

@FraglesRock I think you might be right about his wife! Funny how after time you work out for yourself what the previous issues might have been, and it’s normally different from the story they originally told you Smile

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 22/02/2020 13:53

To be fair to him he really doesn't see an issue with any of it though. He's just doing him.
But most people see the value and kindness of helping a partner.

rvby · 22/02/2020 15:05

He doesnt have to be deliberately trying to make you feel bad, in order to be a poorly matched partner for you.

You sound like you want someone warm, loving, attentive. He sounds like a person who finds it hard to imagine what other people need. He can be as lovely and charming as you like, but hes never going to spontaneously be the person you want him to be.

You can keep instructing him, etc but he will eventually run out of energy and become resentful and resigned. You'll be cast as the nag.

It doesnt matter whether you love him or not, that is immaterial in the face of him just not being the person you want to be with.

Groovinpeanut · 22/02/2020 15:38

I don't think you're high maintenance OP. I think you sound very laid back and easy going. You just want to know that you at the very least 'mean' something to a guy that you've invested 9 months in. There's nothing at all wrong with that! It's the whole purpose of meeting, dating, building a relationship with someone.
I do think there's a few 'tells' in why his marriage was the way it was. She probably got tired of having to ask, explain, need certain things that should have come naturally.
I would pick a time when you're feeling up to it, and he seems to be free from chores, and have 'the talk' again. You don't want to invest anymore time in a dead end relationship. Life is far too short.
I wish you well x

Potatobug · 22/02/2020 15:40

If you don’t love him after 9 months then you never will.

Ilovelala · 22/02/2020 16:01

Have you ever been to his house ? Sounds married to me

Ilovelala · 22/02/2020 16:03

Oh,sorry just found your comment answering that he definitely isn't married, didnt see it first time round

crimsonlake · 22/02/2020 16:15

I am wondering from the behaviour and lack of perhap's emotional intelligence and awareness that he is on some type of spectrum. You do seem to have to direct him alot to behave a certain way?

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/02/2020 16:46

He isn't meeting your emotional needs.

^^This. It won't get better.

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 17:19

I reckon this is exactly how he treated his wife. Won't change when he becomes a father either Suspect that child rearing will be left 200% to the mum...

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 23/02/2020 08:48

@crimsonlake I actually have wondered the same at times, I’m not sure really. He’s 100% committed to his job and he loves it, it’s his biggest passion. Seems like nothing else can match that 😂

@Groovinpeanut @RandomMess he says his wife used to nag him a lot and he could never do anything right in her eyes. Maybe she was a bit of a nag but I can imagine if I was more vocal about my bug bears then I would probably equally be a nag!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hemsley219 · 23/02/2020 08:51

@rvby you actually seem to have summed it up completely! Warm, loving and attentive and also spontaneous, that’s what I’d like in my life and that is definitely not something that is natural to him

OP posts:
WarIsPeace · 23/02/2020 08:59

A lot of what you are looking for from him, is not stuff I would want or expect tbh. However there's quite a few red flags that suggest he's only in it as much as its convenient for him. Ie he'll see you if he happens to be free but doesn't make much effort to even pretend to meet your needs, iykwim.

It doesn't sound like he's offering what you are looking for, and trying to mould him into a different man will only be a waste of your time and energy

category12 · 23/02/2020 09:29

Why are you wasting your time with this man? You're trying to mold him into someone else.

It's not kind, and it's futile, and it's wasting your own time and energy. He can't make you happy and you don't love him.

Just find someone else rather than trying to make him different.

Original poster
Hemsley219 · 23/02/2020 10:03

@category12 it’s only the realisation now, now that the going slow excuse can’t be used anymore, that it’s starting to become apparent that he’s probably isn’t the right man for me. The holding back wasn’t about going slow, he is just that way anyway. I agree, you shouldn’t try to change someone, which is why I know the issue lies with me rather than with him, to some extent anyway.

@WarIsPeace I agree, it’s wasting time and energy....there’ll be someone more suitable to what he can offer and someone else who can offer me what I seem to be craving. It’s just taken me 9 months to see the light. It’s not about anyone being a horrible or nasty person, it’s just differing personalities etc

OP posts: