I think H has or is about to put tracker on my car

[PressToChange]

I went in to Hs bedroom to put son's new Fitbit type watch on charge. Out of the cables I didn't know which but saw one had a label which said Trackisafe and a code.
I googled it. It's a mini tracking device. It needs two apps, the Trackisafe one and a V for Vodafone app.
We have Apple so I can see he has purchased both apps. I managed to get hold of his phone very briefly and he has downloaded and set up both apps. I couldn't get on there long enough to see maps.
I also found the box, opened it and the tracker isn't in the box.
I went out to the car while he was out saying I needed to get all the rubbish out if there. Lots of dc so easy to be true. I couldn't find anything.
It's half term and we are both at home.
From the date of app purchase a coupe of weeks ago, I'm guessing he either removed it before half term or will put it in after school starts again.
I cannot confront him as I don't have firm evidence. Plus I don't want him to know I can get on his phone.
Background is before Christmas in 2018 he hit me, I called police. He has a caution for assault. I now know I have been living in a controlling coercive marriage. (Not trying to down play. It's utterly shit. Just being factual to keep post as short as possible)
In Sept when I told him I was serious about divorce he cut me out of his bank account. Apparently we haven't needed a joint account I could just access his but no more.
At Christmas I told him I would endure it with him and then start divorce proceedings.
The Friday before I know he purchased the apps and most likely took delivery of the tracker I told him we have to draw this to a close. No one is happy etc. It is going to end up in divorce.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
I think he is a narcissist in the true clinical definition, I'm not just calling names.
I have a solicitor appointment booked for next week.
What do I do? What should I do? What is likely to happen to him because if I do find a tracker I won't touch it but will drive to the nearest police station. What if I never find a tracker I just strongly suspect it?
Please be kind. I know this is not right and needs to be over but because of the way he is have been doing baby steps trying to do things gently and safely rather than full on. I do not live in fear day to day but am concerned he could be volatile. He had had mental health issues too.

Watch big little lies too. Seeing Nicole Kidman sitting on her hands at times was so chilling but necessary.

Useful advice on womens aid about hiding your history online.

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Some good news. I popped into town and found an apple and phone shop. I explained what had happened and they were really kind and went through my phone to find spyware. Thankfully there's nothing there.

So it's just a tracker being put into my car that I need to be worried about.

@SalmonOfKnowledge that is just what it feels like. He sits there relaxed and chuckling at me when I'm discussing something serious like him giving me some money to do activities with the children at half term Like I'm some silly girl that he's indulging.

You are right I do know that I can leave for any reason. I'm not tied to him.

He's told me I should go on anti depressants and told the children I'm having a breakdown and have been having a breakdown for sometime.

I've been seeing a counsellor since September (he doesn't know) and in her judgment I'm not depressed, I'm not having a breakdown, I've clearly got a lot on but I'm coping well and have actively looked for ways to help such as regular counselling.

How old are your dcs @PressToChange? They sound as though they are old enough to realise what your H is like and probably recognise how manipulative he is.

I will not be splitting my children. He can see them but they will be together as a unit.

Ultimately that isn’t your choice, your children may decide not to see him, you won’t be able to force one or two to go because the third wants to visit

I’d think seriously about how far away you can make the distance between you

He's told me I should go on anti depressants and told the children I'm having a breakdown and have been having a breakdown for sometime.

Classic gaslighting. Of you AND your children.

My exh mocked that I needed anti d's. He charmed all who met him. He bought our dc to get them on side. He spent years damaging my relationship with them. At 12 +14 they found their balls and went nc with him.
He got his just desserts...
Dc are blossoming without his toxicity..
You can do this op.

Must admit my relationship with my children is better now that he has minimal contact. DD (5) is a daddy's girl through and through. I got the usual "I want to go and live with daddy" at first because every contract was fun and exciting and he bought them toys and sweets. He's already starting to get bored after 4 months, and she out of the blue said "Daddy's a liar and he always breaks his promises" the other day. She also told me that she secretly loves me more and she likes having 2 houses because nobody shouts and mummy doesn't cry anymore.
Kids see more than you realise and definitely feel the tension.
I am a child of an abusive relationship,and my dad always thought that he smoothed things over by buying me. Let me tell you, by age 13 I knew exactly what he was doing and hated him for it. I smiled and took his money, but I so desperately wanted him gone. My DM and I saved every penny of his blood money when I was 18 I persuaded her to leave with me.
I am NC with my dad and I supported my DM 100% through their divorce.
Kids can be fickle but ultimately they know who really loves them and is there when it matters

The getting your bloods done comment, text book gaslighting from these narcs.
My x would be saying it to me now if i hadnt left him.

It paints a clear picture of what you are going through @PressToChange

I would take the anti-depressants @PressToChange
You are going to have a tough few months ahead.
I was bullied in to going on them.

Told i was crazy.
But i told the gp that being horriblly abusive to me and i was working up to leaving. She was lovely about it.
And i presume what i said to her was noted. Which was some comfort.

My x kept saying he go to court to get full custody.
If your h says this, shrug, dont respond.
None of these narcs who want custody have ever so much as defrosted a waffle two fingers and boiled up some peas.

I forgot my point. My point was, when they kicked in, for the first time in years i had clarity and strength just enough to walk away knowing i could sort it all out later. I think the anti depressants helped me value my potential future.

Sorry just saw your counsellor has not recommended ADs. Sorry!

Oh wow, I am sorry. Deffo take it to a garage to get it off. This is awful. Plan your escape!

He sits there relaxed and chuckling at me when I'm discussing something serious like him giving me some money to do activities with the children at half term Like I'm some silly girl that he's indulging
Sounds like he's working from this playbook
therationalmale.com/2012/09/14/amused-mastery/
'A presence of Amused Mastery puts you into a position of maturity while still remaining playfully approachable and forcing her to qualify to you by acknowledging your mastery of her (really all women by association). An attitude of Amused Mastery implies to a woman that by virtue of your maturity and/or authority you’ve “seen it all before”, you already know what women mean when they say or do what she is, and it’s amusing to you. You’ll play along, but only so far as to cleverly poke fun at her attempts to get you to qualify to her. It means you never take her seriously, like a bratty younger sister, but also with the presence of mind of a senior Alpha male who knows her game before she plays it'

Ok, I know this might sound stupid and far-fetched but are you sure the tracker is in the car? Just because that's where people usually hide them doesn't mean he has. Is it at all possible that you are unwittingly carrying it around in your handbag?

Apologies. I see my point has been raised before. I really should get into the habit reading the whole F*ing thread before I post.

The children are 7,13,14,16. I don't want them to be in a position to chose which parent as I don't believe he's suitable. Yes visits and stays. I want them to have a relationship I'm sure he can ruin that all by himself. I won't force anyone to go but I won't actively try to stop children who want to.

I have copies of texts to his therapist who he hadn't seen for a year until recently talking about suicidal thoughts, hyper vigilance etc. So in my mind he isn't capable of being the responsible stable parent that children need. I'm not saying I'm Mary Poppins because I'm no where near but I put them first every time.

I also know that during this time he says he's going to sort stuff out. I can't change the past but I can change the future routine he is applying for jobs either living abroad or with a huge amount of travel.

How is that rational? Either we are together and we discuss that and the implications as that means I'll be doing everything while he has the kudos of a high paid job with no doubt adoring colleagues.

Or we are separated (which we are but he's in denial) and he should stop pretending this dead relationship is going somewhere, tell me his plans and just bloody move on.

Again unilateral decisions which affect the whole family made without discussion. We/I am mere staff to serve.

@salmonofknowledge I agree the ads do have a purpose and are helpful. I've used them for a couple of difficult months in the past and if recommended I would again. I'm glad they gave you clarity.

@UYScuti that's it. Never taken seriously. Except when he's run up debts and I need to budget. Except when he's had problems at work and I need to speak to his union. Or when he's had a breakdown and I need to take him to the doctor.
Then I'm allowed to be a grown up, when the usually self inflicted crisis is over I can go back in my box!
I cant open the link yet but your segment says it all.

Just a thought but the fact he has alerts set to let him know when you enter/leave work may be more to do with him having an affair than him suspecting you of having an affair? Not that it matters but it's something consider! Best of luck OP

he is applying for jobs either living abroad or with a huge amount of travel.

Would there be any concern that he might take the children to another country? (Paranoid me...just watched a movie where that happened)

@Witsendagain no, I think it's his belief that it couldn't be his behaviour that makes me want divorce. I must have had my head turned. I'm convinced he thinks I'm the one having an affair.

One of the dc said that he said he thought I was meeting someone when I went to yoga. With my yoga mat and water bottle, dressed in sports wear.....

@AcrossthePond55 I think he might like to do it for lack of transparency over money. I saw a message he sent to a male friend which basically said if he didn't have the benefit of a family he wouldn't work. That he can't pay maintenance if he doesn't have any money.

Or my other theory is that it gives himself an exit strategy. That he knows this divorce will happen and he won't stick around.

He said in that same message he isn't waiting for crumbs to be dropped from my table.

My eldest asked him what he might do and he said it was his job that brought him here (whole family relocated 3hrs away from where we used to live for him. Not the first time we've done that either) now that job has finished there's nothing keeping him here.

She said she asked him specifically whether he'd see them and he wouldn't answer. Just bloody cruel.

Btw I have passports in my safe.

Hi OP.

We have that exact tracker that we give to the kids when they go to town (they know about it!).

It is about an inch wide and a centimeter or so high, black with white bits. It comes with accessories like a punch, case with keyring.

The battery lasts about 2 days.

The app is excellent in terms of telling an exact whereabouts. We followed our eldest recently (with permission! We were testing how accurate it was) and it updates every minute.

So sorry you're going through this x

Oh crikey.
I'd assume your pc and your phone and google account are are low-jacked/compromised too. If there's any way of proving this has happened to your devices, I'd be keen to retain it/copy it before factory resets/change of google passwords etc. Maybe someone reading this has done this....
Please take care. I'm glad you are putting ducks in row and appreciate it takes time but even so.

@debbs77 does it allow you to see past journeys? If it does could you please tell me which app you use the V or the Trackisafe and how you do it. I might only get minutes to view the phone and I'd like to use my phone to take a photo to prove it's actually one of my journeys?

After the initial shock has worn off it all seems so surreal. He's just carrying on as normal like his life is unaffected.

Meanwhile I've felt so so sick since I realised. I have adrenaline coursing through. Wondering what or who the hell he really is. What is he capable of. Don't rock the boat. But he's not actually doing anything odd at all!!!
I mean I've spoken to Women's Aid for goodness sake.
I'll speak to the regional domestic violence number they gave me on Monday. Earlier if possible but I doubt it.
Then DV assist.
The money worries me. I have been a (married) Sahm until 18 months ago. My wage is tiny as it's a job that fits school hours. He earns 10x my wage and is a high earner.
I have no visibility to "our" his money as it's all his bank account. He has a habit of running up debts and I'm scared he'll spend as much as possible if not doing it now but certainly when the divorce papers are circulated.
I don't want to fight anyone but I'm worried this will become a battle. I don't think his narcissist tendencies would allow him to do anything else.
If he deliberately runs up debts or makes himself deliberately unemployed is there any legal avenue to stop him. I've been living with him since 18 and married a good chunk over 25 years too

Talk to a solicitor about these financial questions, along with getting advice on when and how to separate.
Good luck 💐