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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being taken for a fool!

458 replies

keeptakingthepills · 20/02/2020 19:15

Agh am irritated and having to hold it in. But am also hormonal so probably irrational.
So two things this week have f**cked me off with my DP.
So DP lives with me and my kids. My home I pay the bills and mortgage, internet, tv etc. I also pay the food bills. He throws in some cash now and again for food. His kids (2DC) stay every other weekend and one night a week. I feed them and cook and tidy for them. So far happy to do so.
But he’s been short of money lately and I’m the higher earner so I said don’t worry I’ll pay the food shopping. Then he tells me he accidentally gave his ex extra money this month as maintenance and then told her don’t worry you keep it. Telling me she needs it as doesn’t earn much and struggles to make ends meet. I’m thinking..great! So I’m basically subbing your ex and paying for your kids to be fed etc while they’re with me. He keeps telling me to stop turning the thermostat down as the house is cold but jeez I’m watching the bills go thru the roof!
Second thing that annoyed me is I worked all day. Then picked his kids up from his ex on my way home and walked in. He’s having a beer. I start getting his kids dinner. He’s doing nothing. I then ask if someone could pass me some plates so I can dish up. Instead he puts them on the table. No big deal so I say sorry can you pass them to me instead so I can dish up. He makes this massive arm flourish action passing me the plates. I say sorry is this a problem for you? He says you said set the table like I was being demanding! In my head I’m thinking you I’m getting your children dinner (mine are at their dads) and you are doing nothing and I just ask for plates and you act like I’m some diva. So I said sorry if it’s too much trouble to which he mutters away under his breath something about me being tired etc.
I’m
Just venting but honestly this last couple of weeks I’m thinking actually what do you bloody bring to the relationship? Obvs you’re only getting my side. I realise I’m being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/02/2020 13:44

Can't believe his kids are alone in your house. There's just so many things wrong with that.

greedygutty · 21/02/2020 13:49

You sound like you had a great set up that functioned well then he moved in , I would ask yourself this
" does he enhance my life "?
Because if the answer is no what purpose does he serve ?
Hope it gets better and you sort things out

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2020 13:51

Yes you’re being taken for a fool. And you’re being a fool.

He’s using you. Wake up OP.

PurpleGhost · 21/02/2020 13:52

This man seems to bring very little positive to your life.

Imagine if he wasn't there, you wouldn't be looking after someone else's kids and you could have some 'you' time. I bet you'd feel much less tired if you had less to do.

You seem to be a clever woman with a job and a house, and you pay for everything anyway, YOU DON'T NEED HIM.

Babyg1995 · 21/02/2020 13:59

He's using you my ex was like this well not as bad actually but I ended up penniless providing for him for 3 years I could kick my own arse thinking about how stupid I was finally woke up a kicked him out that day he was devistated I was no longer giving him a free ride .
Best thing I ever done was get rid ! You need to too op he's taking the piss right out you you don't do that to someone you love .

Pinkybutterfly · 21/02/2020 14:10

I would have kill him by now.... Wtf everything that comes from his mouth is Bullocks!!!

MashedPotatoBrainz · 21/02/2020 14:12

I agree with all the other posters. He's properly taking the piss. How you've put up with this for so long, I'll never know. I'd have completely flipped by now.

DartmoorDoughnut · 21/02/2020 14:26

Seriously bag his shit up - preferably in those really cheap black bags that’ll split on him - and get someone to change the locks. Text him to say it’s over and that his stuff is outside (the only time over the last month I’d be grateful for the constant rain!) and the block him on EVRYTHING.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/02/2020 14:41

Time for him to go! If you're feeling generous give him till Sunday to get his shit out of your house.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/02/2020 14:46

I don’t know how to get him to go and maintain a relationship on a healthier more equal level without offending him

I doubt you'll be able to. He's clearly lined you up as his latest provider (even of holidays for his kids - how nice Hmm), and if that stops his attention will soon switch to the next possibility

From your comment about "not wanting sex" he may even be doing this already, especially if he's realising you're getting fed up with it

Still think he sounds like a keeper ... ?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/02/2020 14:47

Apologies - bold fail on the header there

fedup21 · 21/02/2020 14:48

How long has he lived with you? Where did he live beforehand?

I would wait till his kids are gone, then bag up his stuff and tell him he’s moved oiy

fedup21 · 21/02/2020 14:48

Out

Original poster
keeptakingthepills · 21/02/2020 15:13

It gets worse!
So I text him this morning to say I’m off to work. His kids will be alone. I’ve tried to get them to get up and brush their teeth and get them lunch before I went. They didn’t move. Anyway...
I message also to say i don’t like the way he talks to me and his passive aggression and if he could maybe show understanding if I’m tired and not criticism? His reply
””I’m very disappointed about the whole week actually. You’ve pretty much slept your way through it. Very difficult to be loving and affectionate when your not even with me. Don’t see my future being fun.Don’t worry about it. I’ll plan my own evenings from now on””

We’ve been together 3 years
He “moved in” sorry cocklodged about 8 months ago. He was lodging at a friends who then sold their house and moved so he had to move. It wasn’t planned. I didn’t even ask him to move in. We never even had a conversation about it. I honestly have no idea how I let it happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
keeptakingthepills · 21/02/2020 15:16

I really wish I could have my home back tonight and just relax and get my head round all this without a houseful if people that aren’t even my family!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 21/02/2020 15:16

Don’t see my future being fun.Don’t worry about it. I’ll plan my own evenings from now on””

Right-here’s your ‘in’.

Reply now saying, fine-I think that’s for the best as well-please plan your evenings, and your days elsewhere. I’d like you to move out over the weekend.

If you don’t do this-you are showing him it’s absolutely fine to treat you like this.

fedup21 · 21/02/2020 15:17

I really wish I could have my home back tonight and just relax and get my head round all this without a houseful if people that aren’t even my family

But you can!

Ask him to leave-now.

Musti · 21/02/2020 15:20

Just tell him that you're finished and to move out this weekend. He will have to go to a friend's or see if his ex can help him. It's not your duty, especially as he's being so bloody nasty to you.

Tell him that you're tired because you're busy running your own life as well as looking after him and parenting his kids. Jobs that if he did would leave you less tired. But tell him that that is neither here nor there, as he is leaving and you're splitting up.

I'm absolutely fuming reading this thread. What a complete wanker. And how can he not have amy money when he doesn't pay for anything??

ravenmum · 21/02/2020 15:21

"What have I got to do with your future?"

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 21/02/2020 15:22

Reply now saying, fine-I think that’s for the best as well-please plan your evenings, and your days elsewhere. I’d like you to move out over the weekend.

Yep. He's gifted you a golden opportunity here OP. Rip that plaster off.

mbosnz · 21/02/2020 15:22

I agree with fed-up, this is your in.

'Yes, I think you ought to be planning your own evenings from now on. Elsewhere. This relationship is no longer working for me on any level, and you will be needing to move out this weekend.'

Anything about 'but where will I go', 'what about the kids', to be met with 'not my problem'.

fedup21 · 21/02/2020 15:23

It wasn’t planned. I didn’t even ask him to move in. We never even had a conversation about it. I honestly have no idea how I let it happen!.

He probably couldn’t believe his luck!

Original poster
keeptakingthepills · 21/02/2020 15:25

His kids are teens but stuck on their devices. I just tried to rally them into getting out of bed otherwise they’d likely still be in bed in their pjs at 5pm
And I cleared up as I didn’t have time to get them to do it as getting to work. I’m exhausted already at 3:30! Just thinking about going home is making me fume quietly. I won’t make a scene in front of kids or embarrass him or chuck them out. I’m not that mean and uncharitable. I’ll just go out all day tomorrow and once his kids have gone home I’ll tell him very quietly and calmly that the relationship has run it’s course and it’s time for him to move out

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 15:25

He has opened a door for you to give him a shove and shut it quick imo..
Actually I am happy for you to plan your evenings as you wish. I will be doing the same. You need to make arrangements tonight for your evenings to be elsewhere. Our relationship is over.

ravenmum · 21/02/2020 15:27

I'm imagining the friend he was lodging with being the previous "generous" woman he latched onto, who was so uber-polite and awkward about asking him to leave that she ended up selling her house instead.

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