How to talk to partner about money?

[Tulalula]

My partner usually patina in his weekly contribution on the same day each week. He's missed a few over the years but last year (when I was pregnant) I told him that if he was going to miss one I needed to know as I managed all the joint expenses. He's missed one again.... We're trying to buy a house and I keep saving as much as we can but I can't if I miss said money. I can't find the courage to confront him as I'm being fairly hormonal (and thus oversensitive) and his mother is around so I don't want to make a scene when she's around. Do I text him? I've already given him hints that I've checked my bank account (usually enough) but he hasn't and it's about to be a week from said missed payment.

I think @Shoxfordian ‘s comment shout rates a hollow laugh, not a giggle.

I would tell him that the payment to you is the priority payment in his life, and must NEVER be missed and you must NEVER have to chase it. He is taking the piss. I’m a higher earning female to the male in my relationship. I have no issue with paying more than him. But he’d never leave me having to ask for his contribution.

Is he going on the mortgage that he cant afford OP?

Big mistake if he is.

He is a liability.

When will ge ever step up when he has you catching the shortfall.

I don't see him as a liability as he does pay (chasing is not pleasant but he does). I had to chase it about 3-4 times in the past 12 months.

Once the mortgage is in place there are no major savings left (time to build them again) and will cancel all credit cards apart from one.

He claims this time was an honest mistake (which I do tend to believe as a lot happened that weekend).

We do have to reset how we do our joint finances once in the new house and I'm thinking he'll have to put in all of his salary in a joint account as Cheese suggested.

If he can’t afford to save for a house deposit how on earth is going to afford to pay the mortgage each month that would be my worry.

His contribution (with the mortgage) pays for about 40% of all our joint expenses. This % has been specified by the solicitors. So deposit and all buying expenses will always be seen as my contribution to the capital of the mortgage (and will remain the same and will gain equity within proportion). What's left will be divided 60/40. So it's all very fair and square. Once his overdraft is gone, he'll have about 100-200 left a month to do whatever he wants with it.

OP you both need to sit down and go through your finances to see what your joint incomings and outgoings are. Then make a realistic decision about what he can actually afford to contribute. It sounds like he cannot always afford the current level agreed. Then set up a DD/SO for the start of each week from him into a bills account. No excuses from him. That must happen as he cannot be relied upon to pay regularly.

I think he can afford most of it most of the times. When he gets a 5th payment in a month I get that extra contribution. It's the special occasions that he has no money left for.

Honestly? I don’t think he’s an
actual cocklodger - he works full time, just on a poor wage and with a nasty commute.

I think that this is salvageable if he’s genuinely willing to live within his means and be candid if he’s struggling. People who are adults with children of their own don’t have the luxury of being able to be “terrible with money”. They need to make every effort to get better at it.

Yes Patch I don't think he is. It's not like he stays at home while I go to work. We've discussed changing jobs (to reduce commuting costs) but his job is flexible and he quite likes it so I don't think that's necessarily the best option.

I would be very wary of sharing a joint bank account with him. He has shown that he's willing to spend your money so I wouldn't want to give him routine access to it.

My salary would not go.knto the joint account it would just be for our joint expenses (and his salary).

How did he accidentally spend £600??
You said he spent £40 on valentines day, £50 on groceries, and also some on getting his mum. What is involved in getting his mum?
His bills have to come first but it sounds like you're happy to keep subbing him. I'm just glad to hear your investment is protected because you'll be subbing him for the rest of your relationship.

No, it wasn't £600 it was £200 as it was his weekly contribution. It was a £120 (or more) to drive his mum down from up north (16-18hr return trip). He also bought a weekly shop of £100 so it does add up.

I also don't think he is taking the piss or that he is a cocklodger. In fact, apart from the business with the credit card I don't see any evidence that he is doing anything dodgy. His outgoings seem fairly normal.

I do think that he can barely afford the current outgoings however. Do you also run out of money so quickly each month? If not, then something isn't equal - what is it?

I have to ask - have you bought a house so expensive that is simply going to make money very, very difficult? Was this a good choice for both of you, and for your family needs?

No, the house is actually substantially cheaper than our current rent and I can walk to work!

I don't run out of money per se, but I save it. So whenever we need any joint expense beyond bills and the weekly shop it comes from that pot.

Buying a house should make life a lot easier in money terms anyways.

Ok that's not as bad then. But he didn't have £120 to spend on ferrying his mum around...because he hadn't paid his contribution to the bills.
He'd drive me insane.