How to talk to partner about money?

[Tulalula]

My partner usually patina in his weekly contribution on the same day each week. He's missed a few over the years but last year (when I was pregnant) I told him that if he was going to miss one I needed to know as I managed all the joint expenses. He's missed one again.... We're trying to buy a house and I keep saving as much as we can but I can't if I miss said money. I can't find the courage to confront him as I'm being fairly hormonal (and thus oversensitive) and his mother is around so I don't want to make a scene when she's around. Do I text him? I've already given him hints that I've checked my bank account (usually enough) but he hasn't and it's about to be a week from said missed payment.

I know of previous debts, CS, and commuting is about 45% of his take home pay. His contribution is another 40% . That 15% pays for his phone, road tax, insurance and whatever extra expense he might have.

40% of his wages go on contributions , What % of your income covers your chunk?

I have one, he has two. But they share. None of the kids live with us FT, but mine spends a few extra days each month. So I think that's pretty even.

All piss taking on your cc aside (I agree that this must be dealt with seriously) , he sounds broke.

60% give or take.

Yes, the credit card has been dealt with and I know he has next to no money to shuffle around. That's why I don't resent him, i only ask for letting me know when he'll miss a payment.

I don't think the difference in wages and paying a % of earnings rather than 50/50 is problematic. What is seriously problematic is his attitude to money and his inability to see the bigger picture. The late payments, the using your credit card for frivolous purchases, the fact that you have already HAD this conversation with him and he STILL thinks not paying for his living expenses is ok, really paints him in a very different picture. He may not be a fully embedded cocklodger but he is getting there.

If he was genuinely a good guy as you say he would have set up a standing order months ago. He would go out of his way to ensure the bills were paid first and foremost and that his family was provided for to the best of his ability. He is not doing that, he has missed a weeks payment and has no intention of paying it back. Has that payment gone into savings? Or has it been spent on anything other than himself? Nope. He is a selfish, irresponsible man who is putting himself and whatever he is spending the money on before providing for his family.

Tread very carefully OP, people are giving you warnings .. take heed as this won't end pretty unless he makes SERIOUS changes to his financial situation.

I hope you can have a proper talk with him op. I can see that its tricky with such differing incomes at play. I guess the big question is whether your relationship can work or not. He will probably never earn anywhere near as much as you do , unless you're prepared to alter your arrangement and he's willing to set up a SO also , you'll be going around in circles.

Well I know that this missing payment some of it went on my Valentine's present (he probably spent around £40) almost £50 on some groceries and possibly the rest on getting his mom. So no, it wasn't anything frivolous. And maybe he still has something left and will give when I get the next one.

You are in for serious heartbreak and trouble with this man. He took total advantage of you by running up your credit card - he stole from you. How can you stay with a dishonest loser like this?

You say, "I only ask for letting me know when he'll miss a payment" but surely once he knows he just has to tell you, then he'll do this all the time? His rent and bills should be a priority, not something he can decide whether to pay or not.

So you earn 70 % more that him but still expect him to pay 40% of all household costs, know fine well he's left with absolutely nothing after paying his own expenses when you can save 700 a month. Sounds like financial abuse.

TBH if you werent together how would he pay for accommodation? If he's looking after your children i.e. A SAHD then i understanding you paying for everything, aside from that no way!

I'm sorry, but I see too many flaws

1
He has debt

2
You can't talk to him about money

3
He has not set up a DDebit to pay a set amount each month

4
He had no money for birthdays, Xmas, special occasions
He couldn't spend £1 on a bar of chocolate ?
He couldn't buy a present from a charity shop ?
He couldn't write you a poem, or cook you a meal ?
He puts zero effort in to making you feel special

5
He is not saving to buy a property
Second job or overtime

I fail to see what the attraction is

I would not buy with him

Buy on your own

Hollow o don't think you can see it that way when all other expenses are covered by me ) holidays, cars, clothes, etc).

Only he'd share a flat which I think is fairly common for single dads on lowish incomes

I'm confused as to your actual finances though. If you earn 70k before tax and he earns 21k and he's paying a 1/3 and you 2/3 that could be off balance or unfair so I'd definitely have a proper look at your numbers.

Those numbers don’t represent the op’s situation.
70% more that £21k is approx £36k.

If the op were earning £70k, he’d be on £58k.

@PurpleDaisies , fair enough
I'm exhausted after a night with a teething baby , I tried my best.

Yes, that's correct purple :)

Can you tell us then what he actually pays (when he does) and how much he has after he's paid for travel and child maintenance?

OMFG. I cannot believe you are even considering a future with this ManChild ... OP he saw you coming .. now he takes responsibility for Zero..

We don't do it that way. I know we spend around £1800 a month, he pays £600. After commuting, maintenance and some other commitments he's left with £750. The 150 left has to be used on his phone, road tax, car insurance and whatever other expense he might have.

Once we move house our expenditure will decrease dramatically to £1400. So even if still not possible to be 50/50 it won't be that far off.

The house will be in your name only right ?

No, it will be as tenants in common. But I've consulted several solicitors and I can ring fence my deposit and the % of his ownership is proportionate to his contribution.

Do you know the extent of his debt, relative to his income?

He should let you know if he is missing payments. Best to be direct.

Also try and get a plan for when his debts will be paid off..use a spreadsheet and review monthly.

Finances are a major cause of disputes so whilst it might be his only flaw it has big consequences.