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Original poster

How to talk to partner about money?

141 replies

Tulalula · 19/02/2020 10:14

My partner usually patina in his weekly contribution on the same day each week. He's missed a few over the years but last year (when I was pregnant) I told him that if he was going to miss one I needed to know as I managed all the joint expenses. He's missed one again.... We're trying to buy a house and I keep saving as much as we can but I can't if I miss said money. I can't find the courage to confront him as I'm being fairly hormonal (and thus oversensitive) and his mother is around so I don't want to make a scene when she's around. Do I text him? I've already given him hints that I've checked my bank account (usually enough) but he hasn't and it's about to be a week from said missed payment.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 19/02/2020 11:15

Op you have got yourself a gold plated cocklodger
Congratulations

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/02/2020 11:15

Nothing shows in the bank statements he's shown you. Gamblers are liars and thieves it's part of their addiction. Even if he isn't it is still financial abuse. He's breaking your trust. He's manipulating and taking advantage of you and your money. You could be putting your money he is spending into a savings account for your child. He will end up owing you thousands which you will never see when you finally realise what a lying scam artist he is. Stop giving him money. Stop subsidising him. Stop believing a word he says.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2020 11:16

Oh come on, OP! This man is taking massive advantage of you.

So he pays for his commuting costs and 1/3 of bills. Sometimes he doesn't pay 1/3 of bills, though - so is he saying that his wages are equal to his commuting costs on those weeks?

You would have to be crazy to buy somewhere with him. If you split up (which is inevitable when you find out what he's spending his money on) then he'll be entitled to half of the house, even if he hasn't paid much towards it at all.

He's taking advantage in so many ways and this won't change. He's done it again and again.

If you stay with him, you can't complain when you end up broke.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:18

I've had access to at least 6-7 months of bank statements and there's anything out of the extraordinary.

If I were to keep track of how much he owes me it would be in the thousands. But I don't mind if genders were reversed people would bat an eyelid. What I do care is that he keeps his word. I.E. telling me the reasons why he'll miss a payment.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2020 11:19

But I don't mind if genders were reversed people would bat an eyelid.

That’s crap.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2020 11:21

You are a total mug for the way you’re letting this guy take advantage of you.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:22

No, he also pays CS, a couple of debts (one to tax credits), one sofa. His phone, car insurance, road tax and some Xbox subscription. He does pays for extra shopping (every now and then) or when we go out.
It does add up and that's why I don't begrudge him. It's more that he should tell me when he plans to miss a payment.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 19/02/2020 11:24

Does paying a third reflect the difference in your incomes? As in do you earn double?

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:24

Just his commuting costs are close to £400, and he's not making that up.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2020 11:24

If I were to keep track of how much he owes me it would be in the thousands. But I don't mind

Well crack on then and let him bleed you dry. Because he will. And you're letting him.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/02/2020 11:25

I'm pretty sure he can get part of his wages paid straight into his online betting account. Anyway financial abuse is financial abuse whatever the gender. The added danger is if you end up a single mum the vast majority of the financial burden for your child will be on you. He owes you thousands. He's sat back waiting for you to buy a house which like previous poster said he can then claim off you. You need to just stop giving him money and buy the house for you and your child only.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:25

I make 70% more than him after tax

OP posts:
NC4Now · 19/02/2020 11:27

To answer your question, I’d just say: “Is there a problem with your money this week? I need to know if you’ll be missing a payment as it leaves me short.” Either in person or by text.
But I don’t think it’s as simple as that. There are bigger issues around money dynamics causing resentment which is where the conflict comes in.

poopbear · 19/02/2020 11:27

So you’re basically providing him somewhere to live and missing out because you’re subbing him so he can make CM payments and an XBox!! XBox are you kidding me? He’s only paying a third. He doesn’t get to have an Xbox unless he’s a fully functioning self supporting adult. He sounds like a teenager. Do NOT buy a house with him. When you split he’ll be able to take half even though he hasn’t contributed half. Do NOT do this until you are legally separated so that all property is owned by you. Why should you do this? Make him live somewhere else and support himself. Tell him to come back in a few years when he’s sorted himself out. He can’t even abide by your one single simple request to let you know if it will be missed. Rude, arrogant, disrespectful. Get out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2020 11:28

He’s not going to change. You’re not going to do anything about it. He’s taking you for a mug and you’re making excuses for him. Crack on but no point complaining when you know exactly what you’ve got yourself into.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:28

My deposit and contribution to the house is protected. If we were to split I get my deposit back (plus all added costs) and any equity from that money. The rest of the equity of the house would be split 65/35. So he wouldn't get much in the short term. It's pretty much ring fenced.

OP posts:
poopbear · 19/02/2020 11:30

Pretty much ring fenced is not enforceable by law. Have you had legal advice about that or is it just a verbal agreement between you? Verbal agreements are not enforceable. You’d better get a solicitor involved.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:31

The Xbox is not used by him at all, but by the children (mine included).

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:31

Yes, the conveyancer/solicitor is on the case. That's the proposal we're working on.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 19/02/2020 11:36

How much does his phone cost? If it's more than a tenner a month he needs to switch to a cheaper contract, as any more is a luxury he can't afford.

How much is the Xbox subscription and in what way is that more important than paying for essential living costs and his child. DP on occasion pays for Xbox live and he complains if it's more than about £35-40 a year so if this thing is costing more than about £3-4 a month, it's another luxury he can't afford when he's not meeting his grown up responsibilities.

Why are his commuting costs so high because it doesn't sound like his job earns much money if he's barely able to pay a third of your living costs. Can he get a better job and/or one closer to home?

HollowTalk · 19/02/2020 11:37

Why is he paying you weekly? Does he get paid weekly? It's inevitable that the last couple of weeks of the month (if he's paid monthly) will be the months he "can't afford" to pay you.

If he paid you the moment he got paid he could manage his money better, but he doesn't do that, does he?

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:41

His phone used to be almost £40 but it's now £15? The commuting is not ideal but there aren't that many options available apart from retail which is not very flexible. This job has a certain degree of flexibility and has set working days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:43

He's paid weekly. He usually pays me as soon as he gets the money but this week he was driving around those days. There's a small chance he might have forgotten but I somehow doubt it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:51

And I've also seen his payslips so I know there's no money mysteriously disappearing.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/02/2020 11:51

Valentines and your birthday are not unexpected expenses, they happen the same time each year.

He sounds useless
Dump the cocklodger