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Original poster

How to talk to partner about money?

141 replies

Tulalula · 19/02/2020 10:14

My partner usually patina in his weekly contribution on the same day each week. He's missed a few over the years but last year (when I was pregnant) I told him that if he was going to miss one I needed to know as I managed all the joint expenses. He's missed one again.... We're trying to buy a house and I keep saving as much as we can but I can't if I miss said money. I can't find the courage to confront him as I'm being fairly hormonal (and thus oversensitive) and his mother is around so I don't want to make a scene when she's around. Do I text him? I've already given him hints that I've checked my bank account (usually enough) but he hasn't and it's about to be a week from said missed payment.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 19/02/2020 11:53

There should be no missing any payments, he pays you every single payment regardless.
You need to know you have a man who you can rely on especially if you are having a baby.
Tell him to set up a standing order that he cannot cancel or he needs to give you access to his account to transfer it to yourself on a weekly basis because he clearly can't be trusted to do it!

PinkMonkeyBird · 19/02/2020 11:55

Why hasn't he set up a standing order?

I was in a similar situation with my ex and it was a nightmare. I'd never do this again. Cocklodger in the making.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2020 11:56

The thing is that you know you have a problem, yet you are defending him constantly.

The fact is that he's using your credit card, not paying rent, not saving, and yet you are seriously thinking of buying a house with him. Why would you do that?

You say, "He's absolutely awful with money." You've known him a while and he's still awful with money. Do you really think this will ever change?

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:57

Strawberry he has offered to get a joint account so I get full access of his salary. I thought it was a bit extreme as I wouldn't like that happen to me but sometimes I don't think he leaves any another option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 11:59

He's not using my credit card anymore. He's not saving because he has no money left to save. Maybe he could save £100 a month but I doubt it.

OP posts:
Makegoodchoices · 19/02/2020 12:00

Does he mean a joint account where he also has full access to your money? I can see why that would appeal to him.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:01

He's been reducing his overdraft too. Which might not seem like a lot but I can see that any disposable income he puts it there. What pisses me off is that he broke his promise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:01

No, I would.keep my own account to get my salary paid there. The joint account bis just so I have full access to it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2020 12:08

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I can certainly see the attractions for him here (your relationship bar is that low so he has been able to inveigle himself into your life accordingly) but you?. Why would you at all throw in your lot with such a man at all let alone want to buy a house with someone you describe as being useless with money?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/02/2020 12:13

I agree if this was the reverse people would say it would be find to only pay a third if the woman was earning less.

However, as you both have children knowing who’s house it is, how often the children are there etc makes a difference. If yours are there full time then your share of bills should be higher etc.

I’ve taught mine to expect 50/50 regardless of gender, a partner who doesn’t pull their weight financially isn’t one I would find attractive. Putting the burden onto another i find selfish.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:14

No, both my parents were/are hard working ones.

He's wonderful this is his only flaw. I'm buying a house with his as his salary helps with the multiplier (and thus being able to buy a much better property). As mentioned before, conveyancers/solicitors have assured me that as long as marriage doesn't happen it's fairly straightforward to ring fence my deposit/investment. A mortgage payment is also cheaper than rent so it evens the playing field (what he pays in will be closer to 50/50)

OP posts:
Rayna37 · 19/02/2020 12:19

Interesting thread in that most of the time Mumsnet insists all money is family money and wouldn't tolerate one partner with £400-£700 a month to save with the other being left with next to no disposable income. You don't seem to think he's wasting his money, he just doesn't earn much. You need to decide are you willing to work as a family unit with proper joint finances, or not. If he just can't afford his contribution then maybe this is because it's set too high for his income and you will need to contribute more or make savings elsewhere. Using your credit card or missing a payment is really not much different to a SAHP, part time worker or other low earner spending money from a joint account. Clearly it should be communicated in advance so you can plan for it though, which I think is all you are asking for.

timeisnotaline · 19/02/2020 12:22

I can see how if he thinks he’s trying and he’s reducing his overdraft and it’s not his fault something came up, then not having prewarned you might seem like a small thing. My dh can be like this- I’ll say x is very much not ok and he doesn’t really take it on board until we blow up, then he’s like oh I didn’t realise. So it’s not that bad.

But, I think I remember the sons phone on your credit card. That is a major attitude problem which says you aren’t a team. Why won’t he direct debit? Then it’s his problem, this way it’s your problem. All saving is your problem currently, it seems pretty fair to make a bit of it his.
I think you should as a step to better behaviours say clearly and calmly, in front of his mum because it’s not a secret conversation, Honey you need to transfer x before bedtime tonight so I can update. You know I wish you’d tell me when it will be late so do it tonight please.
And, revisit expenditures. Ok so the kids use the Xbox. Do they need a subscription though? (I don’t really know how it works)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2020 12:23

It’s a bloody big flaw isn’t it. That over time may well overcome any love you have still for him. Sometimes love is not enough and you could be digging yourself a huge hole here.

What do you know about him in terms of his relationship history?

SuperMeerkat · 19/02/2020 12:25

Sorry but he sounds awful @Tulalula People with very different financial views will find it hard to get along in the long term. Unless he straightens up ASAP (today ideally) then I would be considering things.

TorkTorkBam · 19/02/2020 12:35

A joint account for bills is a pretty normal set up.

DH and I have our personal accounts where our salaries go.

We have a joint account for all bills, groceries, children's clubs etc. Expenditure is about the same each month, with occasional spikes. it is super easy to predict and track.

We each contribute to the joint account in proportion to our earnings. There have been times when earn more and contribute more and vice versa.

We both have standing orders to transfer the money the day after our income hits our personal accounts so it can't be spent on anything else - it is priority 1.

Joint account is not used for anything that is not a genuine household expense.

We keep our savings separate but pool them for big stuff like holidays, building work, etc.

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:39

@Rayna37 that is spot on. I see us a a family unit so.no, I don't resent him. I just want a fair notice.

@Tork that's more or less the idea sans my salary.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 19/02/2020 12:40

He has very high commuting costs and after all of the essentials are met he has zero money left.

Why is he not addressing this?

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:44

There aren't that many jobs around here Katherine . The only option is retail but I'm sure the salary would lower and shift pattern isn't ideal for family life.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 19/02/2020 12:44

Maybe you need to revisit the amount he is expected to contribute if he's struggling and he earns so much less than you. He shouldn't be using your card without your permission though. It's funny how on MN a difference is salary is only an issue when it's the man who is the lower earner. If the sexes were reversed he'd still be the one getting slated on here.

OvalCanvas · 19/02/2020 12:46

Firstly , yes , he took the piss when spending on your credit card. No question there.

I'm confused as to your actual finances though. If you earn 70k before tax and he earns 21k and he's paying a 1/3 and you 2/3 that could be off balance or unfair so I'd definitely have a proper look at your numbers. Also , you speak about your kids and him paying cm for his. I take it this means your kids live with you and his don't. This means that (if you're keeping separate finances to an extent) your kids may be more 'expensive' than his.

Obviously my numbers are rough and based on you earning 70% more than him but I do think that if he's genuinely not overspending then you really need to talk about money in great , great detail. Both produce statements , records of debt...outgoings. Get it all out there asap. Something is not right and you won't know what until you do this.

Good luck.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/02/2020 12:49

Im confused, are you asking him to contriubte more than he is able to?
You say he spends it if you dont get it at the beginning of the month.
How much does he earn and how much are you asking for?

Original poster
Tulalula · 19/02/2020 12:52

Do you count the dog as mine? On a serious note, children's expenses are kept separate. Food/meals is the joint one (and presents but we never go overboard) anything else we pay it separately (clubs, uniforms, clothes)

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 19/02/2020 12:52

OK, so if he's actually working and pulling his weight but he has just got himself in a mess this month that should be an easy one.

"Hi, your bills money hasn't reached the account. Forgetfulness? Or is there a problem?"

If his expenses are all valid and he works then it sounds like he is contributing either too high a share to to pot or is shouldering too much of the bills alone.

I wouldn't have a joint account where his wages go direct. He should have his own personal expenses and fun money separately. If you both have, say, £100 a month after bills for shits and giggles then you should each be able to save or spend as you wish without the other browsing every penny spent. Also, it makes a clear delineation between personal spends and real bills.

OvalCanvas · 19/02/2020 12:58

@Tulalula but remember that if your kids live with you then you're paying for an extra room/rooms and higher energy consumption. I'm not saying that you're in the wrong but the difference in a 1 bed house to a 2/3 bed house and the amount of energy children use etc does make a difference to a person on a low income.

Re his debts , could he contact step change for a dmp? It sounds like he genuinely has little money.

You won't know any of this until you have the big talk though , no assumptions , statements and facts only.