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Original poster

Contact with bf

116 replies

thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 08:50

Hi,

I would like some opinions, I don't know if I'm being too needy or demanding too much.

I have been with my bf for over a year and the contact has turned into me texting him and calling him most of the time and he never sends the first text. If I text he answers and if I call he answers, however yesterday I said to him to call me if he was thinking of me and I was sick of always making the first contact. This was at 9.30 in the morning yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. Do I take this as a loud and clear sign he's not interested and dump? Or am I being overly sensitive? I can't decide.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it. The other bad points are that he is never that interested in my life, when I tell him stories or what is happening he doesn't really comment or ask about it again. However the good points are we have a lot of fun when we are together and share some common interests. However the lack of contact does get me down and seems disrespectful, I mean I told him to contact me if he were thinking of me and it's been over 24 hours and nothing. Or is that being needy? What do you wise people think?

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 19/02/2020 09:03

I would be disappointed, too. If you said you wanted him to make the first contact (although, your text meant you had, really) he should've got back to you within a couple of hours IMO. Otherwise, he's playing games with you.

I agree with you too that a morning and night text are nice.

None of this takes much time/trouble to do.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 09:06

Hi, thanks for replying, yes it does feel like hebis deliberating showing me hat he doesn't care by not being in contact to be honest. I wasn't sure though if I was asking too much but yes if someone said that to me I would definitely call them within a couple of hours, Especially as he was also off work yesterday and not doing anything. Not sure if I should dump over this behaviour or not. On the one hand I think I should as it's so disrespectful but then dumping over someone not contacting you for one day? Is that a bit needy or controlling?

OP posts:
Goodmornfelds · 19/02/2020 09:07

I think he's being too chicken to end it with you so making you do it for him Sad that's the most immature and unkind thing to do

Pilot12 · 19/02/2020 09:08

My OH has never been into texting or calling, his mobile phone spends most of the week in his pocket untouched. This applies to all his family and friends, not just me.

Maybe he's not the type of person to be calling and texting all the time? Some people would rather just wait until they meet in person to talk.

Goodmornfelds · 19/02/2020 09:08

You're not being needy. You do need to raise the bar with expectations

Goodmornfelds · 19/02/2020 09:10

The point is Pilot12 you're ok with this but op isn't

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 09:12

If he had been like this with contact from the start it would be different but he used to call me 5+ times a day and text all the time. Now it's gotten to the point that he will chat or text back when I contact him but he doesn't initiate much contact anymore. Yesterday I told him I was sick of always being the one to contact him and he was to contact me when he was thinking of me, and now nothing, no contact. Feels like head games but again maybe I'm being controlling or needy.

OP posts:
eenymeenyminyme · 19/02/2020 09:15

Some people just do messaging / phoning more than others.

I've been with my bloke for over 4 years and for him the phone is a functional thing, so we use it to arrange things, share photos and news but he'll never text me 'just because' and we can go days without communicating sometimes.

It was weird for me to start with as my previous relationship had been constant small talk by text / email but once I realised that this was just his way, I got used to it, and it doesn't bother me at all.

Do you think it's something you could get used to? If not, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you as people rarely change their habits, if that's just the way they are.

FlowerArranger · 19/02/2020 09:19

Sorry...
But you are the 'she'll do until I find someone better girlfriend'.
Time to cut your losses.

wishywashy6 · 19/02/2020 09:30

It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven tbh
Nobody can tell you what the right amount of contact is - it's different for everyone but if you're feeling like the effort is all one sided in the relationship after a year, it doesn't bode well for the long term future.
You've raised your concerns with him, he's showing you his answer.
You cannot force someone to behave a certain way or treat you the way you'd like, it has to come from them & he's showing you who he is. It's your choice whether you accept it or walk away.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 09:52

Looks like you have confirmed how I was thinking, I was kind of hoping that I was being paranoid or overthinking things. But yeh it's not looking good is it? I seem to fall into relationships that are great for the first year and then go downhill quite dramatically, however I'm never sure if it's just natural to ease off a bit after a year or whether they then begin to feel safe and start treating me badly.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 19/02/2020 10:08

Don't contact him. If he contacts you, give it the same amount of time to answer that he gave you.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 10:11

Yes I'm definitely definitely not going to contact him first! However now it feels like we are playing mind games with each other? Who is going to break and contact the other first? Should you really be doing that a year into a relationship? It's quite disappointing really.

OP posts:
whiskersonkittenss · 19/02/2020 10:15

I agree with a pp. An ex of mine started doing this because he didn't want to be the one to break up with me. The second guessing his motives all the time was so tiring and gave me anxiety that I suffer with even now.

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2020 10:17

I think you should cut your losses.

You'll have to text him to finish is because otherwise it's just going to drift away

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 10:19

The strange thing is, I broke up with him for a couple of days just a couple of weeks ago for the exact same reason, then after a couple of days I asked him if wanted to talk? He said he'd love to talk and we got back together. So he already knows my stance on this silent treatment/deliberate no contact. So I don't actually think he wants to break up as he had the opportunity just recently. So I'm at a loss as to why he is doing again? Is it because he wants to make me feel bad? Is it because he wants to be the one in control? Or am i asking too much? Very confusing. I don't want to through away a relationship because I'm being too needy basically.

OP posts:
HopeYouStepOnALego · 19/02/2020 10:21

It is usual for things to calm down a bit after a while, but he sounds like he's gone to the opposite extreme OP. I would ignore him and go about my life, going out and having a good time with friends (no moping at home). Do you have a date in the diary when you're due to meet up again? When (if) he eventually contacts you tell him you'd rather be with someone who cares a bit more and contacts more often, so you're calling it a day.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 10:24

Hi yes we would normally be meeting up Friday night. The problem is though I don't actually want to break up, but wondering if I should anyway as I feel this is being quite disrespectful? Or should I just ignore him for s few days and see what happens?

OP posts:
Gutterton · 19/02/2020 10:48

You have told him your needs repeatedly.

You even finished the RS for this specific reason.

Your needs might not be his natural level of communication - so he can either agree to it because he cares about you, agree to a half way compromise because he cares about you or -

ignore your needs because he doesn’t care about you.

He is doing the latter - repeatedly.

You know this. Anyone deserves much more than that - respect and kindness are the core of any RS. He is not giving you either. Give yourself some respect and kindness.

Why do you think you are “needy”? Everyone has different needs - if he can’t meet yours (a specified level of communication) then you are just not compatible.

He only came back to you because you lowered your standards, you were convenient, his next RS isn’t set up yet.

Don’t waste your emotional energy on this one.

bangheadhere40 · 19/02/2020 10:55

If you have finished it before for this reason and he still hasn't 'listened' and stepped up then sadly, I think you need to do it again. I don't think you are being 'needy'. He isn't listening or respecting your needs, there is a difference.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 11:02

Oh no, sadly I think you are all right. It's such a shame, but if he can't make the very small effort it takes to make me happy then what does that tell me I guess? I hope I have the guts to finish it when he does contact me and not cave.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 19/02/2020 11:23

You need to see this as much much bigger than “such a shame” - sounds like you think he can’t help himself.

Of course he knows what he is doing - you have told him repeatedly - he is actively choosing minute by minute to cause you distress and unhappiness. That is a v big thing - know that.

Why wait for him to contact you? Make this decision yourself - be clear what you need to do to move on and have it all set up (get busy - book out your evenings and weekends ahead) - and just take control. You will feel strong and proud of yourself.

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 11:25

I know I don't know why I'm being to passive about it. I always do this in relationships wait for it to get really bad before taking action, when I should take control and do something sooner. I guess I just worry about ending things prematurely when it could be saved.

OP posts:
averythinline · 19/02/2020 11:37

Good relationships don't need to be "saved" in less than a year old...
Block him so your not tempted to contact him again and maybe think about some work on your self esteem..,
You do sound a bit needy but also that you haven't the self confidence to not put up with game playing ...
Get yourself on a better place before trying another relationship..

Original poster
thekarmabus · 19/02/2020 11:39

Oh no, that's my worst fear to be perceived as needy. It's not attractive is it? Not exactly sure what to do to improve self confidence? People talk about the freedom programme? Is it worth it? Can you do it online?

OP posts:
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