Contact with bf

[thekarmabus]

Hi,

I would like some opinions, I don't know if I'm being too needy or demanding too much.

I have been with my bf for over a year and the contact has turned into me texting him and calling him most of the time and he never sends the first text. If I text he answers and if I call he answers, however yesterday I said to him to call me if he was thinking of me and I was sick of always making the first contact. This was at 9.30 in the morning yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. Do I take this as a loud and clear sign he's not interested and dump? Or am I being overly sensitive? I can't decide.

Also he never sends a morning or night text which I find disappointing but I've got used to it. The other bad points are that he is never that interested in my life, when I tell him stories or what is happening he doesn't really comment or ask about it again. However the good points are we have a lot of fun when we are together and share some common interests. However the lack of contact does get me down and seems disrespectful, I mean I told him to contact me if he were thinking of me and it's been over 24 hours and nothing. Or is that being needy? What do you wise people think?

I definitely feel stronger and more sure of myself because of this thread so that's great. Thanks

Good for you OP.👏
He's a deliberate, controlling, prat.
He knew exactly what he is doing.

The longer you are away from him the more you will realise exactly how big a prat he is.

If he contacts you re those keys.....I'd not respond for days.....and make him wait for their return.

He's a prat......and I'm petty😏

I wouldn’t play petty games with him - however tempting - it just keeps you in the game.

Drop the rope and move on at your earliest convenience, in your timescale and to your requirements.

You will not get what you really want from playing games with him (an apology, declaration of undying love, and a personality transplant) - you will just pour more of your finite and precious headspace, time and emotional energy into a negative space that will drain and hurt you.

Be bigger than that - cut off the emotional negative energy supply to him and switch it on to a positive, motivated energy supply to nourish and develop you.

Turn your back on him defiantly, definitely, boldly and permanently. Don’t look back, look forward.

Wrap it all up this afternoon rather than playing games and being twisted in his little toxic web for another week or two where you will get stung. Be the one in the driving seat - that will knock him for six and make you feel strong.

I think you’re definitely doing the right thing going no contact but don’t do it to get back at him or to get a reaction put of him. Even if ignoring will probably get him back to chasing you, it would only keep the circle going, the minute you show interest again, he will slow contact again.

For your own sanity, you need to stop caring (i.e care as much as he does). It will be hard because for now you still care but no contact helps.

Having been in a similar situation, I know it’s soul destroying but once you’re on the up, you’ll feel so relieved from all that over thinking and empowered.
Good luck OP 💐

Had a good chat with a friend today who also advised to dump. But then I have to contact him?

Just leave it. You have told him several times and he chose to ignore it / give you bs / ignore you’re even unhappy so effectively he has implicitly dumped you. Don’t give him the importance he is not giving you. Go no contact and move on.

Three options:

1. Ghost - but this will keep you in a state of hyper vigilance - watching your phone and preoccupied for weeks - waiting for a reaction from him and then finding the strength not to respond.

1. Call him to tell him. But this is expose you to hurt - him saying something nasty and you trying to recover and dwelling on that for weeks.

1. Text. Delete. Block. One way decisive action. You are in control and can’t get hurt. Text states what you will do with his keys and stuff. Clinical - all done and dusted by this afternoon - no room for you being hurt and nothing to ruminate over. Switch on to positive.

You don't need to contact him to end it - you just drop the rope as a PP advised. Don't call or text him. Delete him from your FB and stick his keys in a box somewhere in case he wants them back at some point.

If he gets in touch, you can say that you've got his keys and does he want them posting back. If he queries this then it's a simple explanation of "it's not working so I've moved on". End of discussion.

Oh my goodness whoever recommended "women who love too much" I have started reading it and it describes all my relationships so far. It's so me it's scary. Can't wait to read on and learn how to spot things and become stronger. This book will be a life changer for me. Hopefully. Hopefully I will learn and become stronger and more sure of myself.

@the ark please also buy mr unavailable and the fallback girl, a life changer.

And has he been in touch op?

Ok I'm halfway through the first book but I'll add that to my list. Yes he's been in touch asked me for dinner tonight, I'll finish reading my self help books while continuing to not initiate contact and see what happens. I haven't got the section where it tells you how to fix yourself yet. So I'm still not fixed.

Leave it a while then reply saying "No, I have other plans for tonight."

Then don't contact him until you are ready to send the message "It's not working for me. It's over. I'll post your keys back."

Definitely message back saying that you've other plans/you're going out and leave it at that. Give him a taste of his own medicine

What's the latest OP?

Is that the Robin Needwell book - women who love to much?

Read it 35 years ago - it's brilliant.

Though it's not a one book fix and though while it pointed out problems I wasn't always able to follow through.

Loneliness and low self esteem didn't help.

You need to learn to really like and trust yourself.

Then you can put in firm boundaries and stand firm.

CBT helped me with self esteem and Julia Kristina has some fantastic free vids on YouTube- 25 ways to say NO.

don't worry if you fall down a few times. I did. You pick yourself up.

Also I'm a big fan of the RULES

Pretty much common sense - do not accept a date after Wednesday.

But with low self esteem we let people mess us about.

I notice he left it to Friday to ask you out for dinner for Friday.

You're the prize. He needs to be booking you in advance so he doesn't miss out.

Don't worry if you went.
This change of attitude takes practice and vigilance.